


Life After Raisins

by Literary_Disaster



Series: Freedom of Speech Fanfiction Archive [1]
Category: South Park
Genre: 90's RPG inspired, 90s RPG Parody, Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Bad Spelling & Grammar, Badly translated Japanese, Character Death, Confusing Plot Line, Contains Looney Toons style humor, F/M, Gen, Original Character(s), Originally Posted Elsewhere, Originally posted in the early 2000s, Presented As Is, Psuedo Nudity, Questionable Plot Points, References to 60's 70's and 90's rock, Religious Tones, Screenplay/Script Format, Script/Prose Hybrid, prose style
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 02:01:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 27
Words: 122,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29306160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Literary_Disaster/pseuds/Literary_Disaster
Summary: After the episode Raisins, Wendy tries to assert that she's happy with Token. The act backfires, leading her to believe for ten years that she was the cause of a horrible accident. And just when she thinks she has a handle on everything, she, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman are kids again suffering through a naked "festival", a snowball massacre, Japanese foreign exchange students, Kyle's debilitating medical condition, Cartman's crush on Bebe, time resets, Satan's attempt to take over the world, and a zombie attack led by...Stan?Does this sound familiar? Please see Author's Notes inside.
Relationships: Kyle Broflovski/Original Female Character(s), Stan Marsh/Wendy Testaburger
Series: Freedom of Speech Fanfiction Archive [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2152989
Comments: 14
Kudos: 2





	1. A Thirst for Domestic Violence

**Author's Note:**

> If this sounds familiar, chances are you've read my other abandoned and unfinished fic, _The Scars of Time_. This is what came before that and what that was based on. This was originally posted on the now defunct Freedom of Speech Fanfiction archive back in the early 2000s.
> 
> While this and _The Scars of Time_ are similar in overarching concept, they are fundamentally different in many ways. One (this one) revolves around Stan and Wendy getting back together and Kyle hooking up with an original character, who then became an integral part of the overall story. The other reworks the entire story to omit the fankid altogether and focuses instead on Kyle and Wendy's relationship with Stan coming to terms with that.
> 
> I imagine that this is a no-brainer, but I feel I should mention it: This is a product of its time, and inspired heavily by things happening in the US at the time, the pop culture of the mid-to-late 1990s, the type of humor prevalent at that time, and the video games I was playing at the time (Final Fantasy VII, Tales of Symphonia, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Chrono Trigger, Chrono Cross).
> 
> This is presented as is, as I originally wrote it all those years ago. The formatting is iffy and inconsistent. The grammar and spelling is shockingly bad and inconsistent. The plot barely makes sense as it's a time-travel piece cobbled together from random ideas initially intended to be a collection of standalone stories. The only alterations have been the removal of rampant, unnecessary, floating song lyrics, and tweaking any scenes where unnecessary song had been an integral part (i.e. the boys sing a random 70s rock song during an ending scene for some head-scratchingly _random_ and _unnecessary reason_ ) .
> 
> Between two decades of hard drive crashes, computer changes, and intercontinental moving, my notes for this have become lost in the internet's clothes dryer. So this is unfinished, wholly and truly, unlike _The Scars of Time_ where I was at least able to produce an ending summary from actual notes and not memory.
> 
> **_EDIT: I've found the missing unfinished chapter, along with some of my notes. That chapter will be added to its appropriate spot._ **
> 
> I've mainly put this up here to archive my past works, at least what I have left. If you decide to continue reading, thank you, good luck, and hope you enjoy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based after the episode "Raisins," Stan tries to deal with a maniacal Wendy after the breakup.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a rewrite, released six months to a year after the original posting. The original is now lost. I mention this because of a sudden change in style in the next few chapters. This will become a common theme throughout.

[IRRELEVANT COLD OPENING]  
SCENE: Stan’s Basement  
Stan is throwing darts at an unseen dart board as Kyle comes down the stairs.

KYLE:  
[cheerfully] Hey, dude!

STAN:  
[half paying attention] Hey.

Stan lets another dart fly, just before a muffled girlish scream is heard from off screen.

KYLE:  
[awed] Wow. Kick ass dart board, dude.

Cut to Wendy bound and gagged to a chair. Blood surrounds several darts sticking out her arms and forehead. Stan walks up and pulls out all the darts causing her to flinch and let out a muffled squeal in pain.

STAN:  
[beaming] Thanks. It’s helping me cope with the break-up.

[END IRRELEVANT COLD OPENING]

  
[MUSIC CUE: “Positively Fourth Street” - Bob Dylan]  
SCENE: Stan’s House  
During the establishing shot, the music is slightly muffled giving the effect that it is coming from within the house. A cat, running from a barking dog, plows head first into the garbage cans and knocks them over with a loud metallic crash. Sharon Marsh pokes her head out of the front door to see what the commotion is about as Token Williams, slowly walking the sidewalk, enters the scene from screen left.

Cutting to Stan’s room lifts the muffled effect from the music allowing it to be heard clearly. Stan, lying on his bed, throws a dart towards the wall and then laughs after a faint thud is heard.

STAN:  
[laughing] Yes! And Stan Marsh scores another point for the boys with broken hearts everywhere! [makes a crowd cheering noise]

Cut to the dart board to reveal that a picture of Wendy holding a flower had been taped to it. At the bottom of the picture is the inscription “i love you forever - Wendy”.

STAN:  
[off screen] Dude! And the crowd is loving him! [makes the cheering noise again]

Another dart is thrown and nails the picture of Wendy in the eye.

STAN:  
[off screen] Oh! Oh! Right in the eye! Did you see that, bitch?! [snickers] Oh! Wait! You can’t now!

Stan, halting his laughter, blinks and turns his head when a knock is heard at the door.

STAN:  
It’s open, dude.

The door opens and Randy Marsh steps inside the room. He raises an eyebrow, looks at Stan for a moment, then the boom box on the dresser, Stan again, the dart board, the boom box, and then Stan one final time. Stan, all the while, gives a quizzical look.

RANDY:  
Stan, I-- I know you’re still upset about…well, what happened last week, but I think it’s time you found a new song to listen to.

STAN:  
[sitting up] What? Why? Listening to some guy put down some bitch makes me feel kinda good on the inside.

RANDY:  
Stan… You’ve been listening to this same song over and over for well over a week.

STAN:  
[shocked] Really?! It’s been that long? [picks up the remote for his boom box] Jesus.

[MUSIC CUE: End music]

STAN:  
I DO need something else to listen to.

RANDY:  
[beaming] I’m glad you’re finally coming around, son. Well, I’ll leave you to your game of darts then.

Outside the house finds Token walking up to the door as Sharon smiles warmly at him.

TOKEN:  
[nervously] Is Stan here?

Back in Stan’s room, Stan has pulled out his nightstand and is crouched down behind it.

STAN:  
[darkly, dramatically] It’s a war… War is hell… But…I can escape this hell… [peeks up over the top] I just have to— [ducks and screams] DUDE!!! [darkly, dramatically] That was a close one… The psycho-hose beast almost took my head off with her putrid gaze of hatred. I just have to time this…just…right…

Just as Stan dives out from behind his cover and whips a dart at his target, Sharon Marsh opens the door and steps into the room.

SHARON:  
[confused] Stanley Marsh! What in--

The dart hits the dart board at a funky angle causing it to ricochet off towards the boom box--

SHARON:  
\--God’s name--

\--where it ricochets again towards a mirror above Stan’s bed--

SHARON:  
\--are you--

\--that shatters to pieces upon impact.

SHARON:  
[pissed] --DOING?!

STAN:  
[looks up at her from the floor] Um…nothing?

SHARON:  
[sighs] Just go downstairs to see what your little friend wants while I clean this up.

STAN:  
[confused] Little friend?

Back outside the front door finds Token fidgeting uncomfortably until it opens and Stan stares in shock.

TOKEN:  
[nervously] Uh… Hi.

Stan blinks in confusion before the expression on his face switches to anger.

STAN:  
[calm anger] Hey, dude. What the hell do you want?

TOKEN:  
[laughs nervously] Uh. Heh. Wendy-- Uh, Wendy sent me here to get some of her things.

STAN:  
[pissed] Really? Look, pal. If the psycho-hose beast wants her crap--

TOKEN:  
[blinks] Psycho-hose beast?

STAN:  
[pissed] --she can walk her ass here and get them herself. I’m not dealing with this middle-man crap.

TOKEN:  
Look, man. If you want, I can stay here while you get her stuff.

STAN:  
[glares] Maybe you didn’t hear me, asshole. I told you to get lost.

TOKEN:  
Hey! There’s no reason to be a total shit-head about this.

STAN:  
Look, dude. I like to think of myself as a nice guy, so… [slowly takes off his gloves] You’ve got five seconds to make yourself scarce before I kick your ass.

TOKEN:  
[pissed] Whatever. I don’t need this.

After Token storms away--

STAN:  
[muttering] Asshole boy-toy.

\--Stan steps inside and slams the door.

  
SCENE: Happy Burger  
Inside, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are sitting at a booth talking amongst themselves.

KYLE:  
[excitedly] --and there’s supposed to be lots of realistic blood and gore and the chopping off with the limbs!

CARTMAN:  
[excitedly] Yes! [orgasmically] YEEEEESSSS!!! I can smell…the sweet…smell of blood!

As he laughs uncontrollably, Stan walks up and gives him a confused look.

STAN:  
[confused] What the hell are you guys talking about?

KYLE:  
[beaming] Dude! Thirst for Blood 2: Quench That Thirst!

Stan sits down next to Kyle.

STAN:  
Sweet! I could use some death and destruction to help me with my emotional problems.

CARTMAN:  
[muttering] Teh. Pansy.

KYLE:  
What’s wrong, dude?

STAN:  
That… [pauses] That bitch and her boy-toy are trying to start shit with me.

KYLE:  
That’s gay.

CARTMAN:  
Okay, Stan. I rarely do this, but here’s some free advice from me. [pauses] Just drop the bitch.

STAN:  
[blinks] What?

CARTMAN:  
Just take that bitch and drop her… [shifts his eyes side to side] …off a cliff.

STAN:  
As much as I like the idea and as much as I hate the bitch now, I don’t think I could kill her.

CARTMAN:  
[smugly] Then you are a weaker man than I.

KYLE:  
Dude, don’t listen to Cartman.

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] Ay! Shut up, Kyle!

KYLE:  
Maybe what you should do is--

Cartman huffs and focuses his attention elsewhere. After a moment, his eyes widen and he gasps audibly before bringing his head down close to the table and motioning for the others to do the same.

CARTMAN:  
[hushed] You guys! [points] Look over there!

After the boys look in the direction of Cartman’s indication, cut to Wendy and Token sitting by the soda fountain. Wendy, eating a salad, glares at Token and his burger.

WENDY:  
[irked] I thought we agreed that there wouldn’t be any more animal killing, sweetie?

TOKEN:  
[confused] What? A guy’s gotta eat meat every now and then…

As she glares at him, a vein in her forehead pops out.

CARTMAN:  
[faintly, off screen] What the hell are you doing, Jew?! Get down!

Going back to the boys reveals Kyle standing up on the booth to get a better look.

STAN:  
[hushed] Dude, get down! She’ll see you!

Kyle falls back down to a sitting position.

KYLE:  
[hushed] What?! I couldn’t see!

CARTMAN:  
[hushed] Pshh. You’re such a fag.

STAN:  
[hushed, pissed] That bitch. Of all the places for her to go with her boy-toy…she had to come HERE.

KYLE:  
[matter-of-factly] Well, this technically IS the only place for kids to hang out, dude.

CARTMAN:  
[hushed] Ooooh! Ooooh! Check this out, you guys! [loudly in a squeaky teenager voice] Attention Happy Burger patrons. We have assholes eating near the soda fountain. I repeat: “We have assholes eating near the soda fountain.” Thank you.

A silence falls over the customers in the restaurant as Wendy and Token look around in shock. The dressing laden lettuce that was perched on Wendy’s fork falls off and lands in her lap.

WENDY:  
[pauses] I just bought these PANTS!

Her outburst causes everyone to bust out laughing, even Token.

KYLE:  
[poking his head out from behind the top of the booth, laughing] God! That was awesome!

When Kyle sits down, he joins the other three boys in their hysterical fits of laughter. Stan pounds his hand on the table as his face turns beat red.

TOKEN:  
[off screen] Wendy, maybe you should calm down a little.

WENDY:  
[off screen] Shut up, asshole! I just bought these god damn pants! So I have every reason to be PISSED OFF!!!

Kenny, no longer able to keep himself upright, falls underneath the table and laughs even harder.

TOKEN:  
[off screen] I’m sure it’ll come out if you wash it…

WENDY:  
[off screen] Wash it?! WASH IT?! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THESE PANTS COST ME?!

Cartman rests his head on the table as he starts choking from laughter. Stan and Kyle, on the other hand, lean against each other to keep themselves from falling under the table. After cutting to Token and Wendy, it is seen that she had stood up and knocked her chair over.

TOKEN:  
[calmly] Wendy… Please… You’re causing a scene.

WENDY:  
YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I AM!!! [looks around to all the other people] I KNOW IT WAS YOU, STAN!!! SO FUCK OFF, ASSHOLE!!!

She storms off and shoves Dougie out of the way, sending him flying to the floor and planting his face in his food.

MAN IN THE CROWD:  
Oooh! What a bitch!

Back at the boys’ table, as they’re recovering from their fits of laughter, Kenny slowly climbs out from underneath the table as Cartman leans back and gasps for breath. Kyle straightens his hat a bit as Stan wipes tears from his eyes.

STAN:  
[snickering] Fat ass…you just made my day.

CARTMAN:  
[gasping, beaming] You’re…welcome…homo…

Cartman passes out and falls off the booth with a loud thud.

  
SCENE: Stan’s House - Night  
After Wendy approaches the door and beats on it angrily, it opens revealing Stan standing there and looking quite dumbfounded.

STAN:  
[raises an eyebrow] Uh, hi?

WENDY:  
[pissed] Don’t you “hi” me, asshole! In case you’re too stupid to figure it out, mongoloid, I’m here for my things!

STAN:  
[feigning interest] Oh, right… Your things…

WENDY:  
[pissed] Is that all you have to say, cock sucker?!

STAN:  
No. I just don’t feel like wasting my energy on your bitch ass.

WENDY:  
[pissed] I don’t have to take this from you, numb nuts! Token was right. You ARE being a total shit-head!

STAN:  
[pissed] Oh, yeah? Well, I don’t appreciate you sending your freakin’ boy-toy around here.

WENDY:  
[pissed] And I don’t appreciate what you and your fucking asshole friends did to us today at Happy Burger!

Stan laughs.

WENDY:  
[pissed] It wasn’t funny, ass monkey! As soon as I figure out who the fuck it was, I’m gonna strap both your asses to a GOD DAMN ROCKET!!!

STAN:  
[laughing] Yeah, okay. [smirks] Hold on a sec, bitch. I’ll go get your crap.

He slams the door in her face.

WENDY:  
You better not be fucking with me, cock!

In Stan’s darkened bedroom, Kyle is looking out the window.

KYLE:  
[hushed] Wow… What a bitch…

The door opens allowing a rectangle of light to fill the room, save for a Stan-shaped void.

STAN:  
[off screen] Alright, dude. I gotta give the bitch her stuff.

After Kyle nods, the scene shifts back to the front door where Wendy is still standing. She huffs in anger--

STAN:  
[off screen] Hey, cunt licker!

\--before looking up in shock. Water splashes down on her, soaking her clothes.

WENDY:  
IT’S FUCKING COLD!!!

The camera pans up to Stan’s window, where Kyle holds a bucket in one hand and covers his mouth with his other as he laughs. Stan leans against the window frame as he, too, laughs his ass off.

WENDY:  
Do you actually THINK THIS IS FUNNY, ASSHOLES?!

STAN:  
[snickering] Yes.

He reaches down, pulls up a plastic bag of miscellaneous things, and tosses it out the window. Wendy screams and tries to avoid it, but slips on the wet concrete and falls to the ground in a sitting position. The plastic bag lands on her head, knocking her down to her back.

STAN:  
[off screen, harshly] Oh, I’m sorry, Wendy. Did I break your nose?

Wendy reaches up and slowly pulls the bag off her face.

STAN:  
[off screen, harshly] Well, you broke my heart. So now…we’re even.

Wendy slowly stands, looks up, and points at Stan with a hand shaking with anger.

WENDY:  
That’s IT!!! You better be watching your back, Stan Marsh! You want an enemy?! Well, you FUCKING got one, asshole!

STAN:  
[off screen, mocking] Oh, sweet Jesus! I am so scared!

After Wendy collects her things in the bag and storms off with a mighty huff, the scene shifts back up to Stan’s room. He leans up against the wall and slides down to the floor while laughing.

STAN:  
[closes his eyes] Sweet, sweet candy.

KYLE:  
Dude, I hate to break your euphoria, but you know as well as I do that Wendy is NOT someone to be trifled with.

STAN:  
[opens an eye] Then the bitch can bring it.

  
SCENE: Token’s House  
During the establishing shot, the now iced over Wendy walks up to the door. When she enters the house, it cuts to the inside just as she storms into the living room and angrily throws the bag across the room, narrowly missing Token on the couch.

WENDY:  
That son of a BITCH!!! Dump water on me and think you can get away with it?! Over my dead body!

Token slowly gets off the couch and cautiously approaches her.

TOKEN:  
[irked] Well, would you first mind explaining why you tried to bash my face in?

WENDY:  
[screaming] That FUCKING bastard dumped water on me! I’m gonna kill him for it! How dare he do this to me?!

TOKEN:  
[irked] Whoa! Hold on here. Did it ever occur to you that you hurt him first?

WENDY:  
[freaking out] WHAT?!

TOKEN:  
[irked] Don’t you remember? You broke it off with him for me?

WENDY:  
[pissed] So?! Why the fuck should it matter?!

TOKEN:  
God… [pauses] They were right. You ARE a bitch.

WENDY:  
[grinds her teeth as a vein pops out of her head] ARE YOU actually siding with HIM?! He dumped water on me! You’re supposed to get pissed and kick his ass!

TOKEN:  
[sighs] I think we’ve gone too far with this… We don’t need to go any farther. If you want revenge on him, then consider us broken up.

WENDY:  
[starts to cry] No… No! Token!

TOKEN:  
[turns to look away from her] I’m sorry, Wendy. But…after being called an asshole several times today, I’ve realized that what we did to Stan was wrong. I’m out. I’m not dealing with this any longer.

WENDY:  
[crying] But…!

Token looks back over his shoulder to glance at her for a moment before shaking his head.

WENDY:  
[crying] Fine… Then I’ll go.

She walks off screen and slams a door behind her.

WENDY:  
[off screen] ASSHOLE!!!

Token turns around and blinks in surprise.

TOKEN:  
God… What a bitch.

A chandelier falls from the ceiling and crashes to the floor, narrowly missing him.

TOKEN:  
[eyeing the light piece in shock] God damn! That was close…

  
SCENE: Wendy’s House  
During the establishing shot, Bebe makes her way to the door and enters without knocking. Inside, Wendy is throwing a major temper tantrum and throwing various objects across the room while screaming various curses at the top of her lungs. Once Bebe enters the scene, she ducks to avoid a television thrown in her direction.

BEBE:  
[wide eyed] Jesus, girl! Calm down and tell me what’s going on!

Wendy, with a love seat held above her head, stares blankly at Bebe as she contemplates what to say.

WENDY:  
[ecstatic] Oh! Bebe! Thank God you’re here! THAT SONOVA BITCH DUMPED WATER ON ME!!! AND BECAUSE OF THAT FUCK I LOST TOKEN!!! [hysterically] I NEED TO KILL HIM!!! HE MUST DIE!!!

BEBE:  
[wide eyed] Slow the fuck down, girl! Get a grip! Who are you talking about?

Wendy’s strength suddenly falters and the couch crushes her to the floor.

WENDY:  
[muffled, pained] Ow… My pride…

  
SCENE: School Playground  
Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Tweek, and Butters are huddled together and getting ready to play a football game against Clyde, Craig, Terrence, Bill, Fosse, and Damien.

STAN:  
[to his huddle crew] Okay. Here’s the plan. I’ll say a bunch of random stuff that has nothing to do with anything and then someone throws me the ball or something.

KYLE:  
Sounds good to me.

TWEEK:  
[twitches] Gah!

Token walks up behind Stan and clears his throat.

TOKEN:  
Hey, Stan.

The six boys get out of their huddle and form a line.

BUTTERS:  
Juh-gee whiz… Whuh-why is it whenever we puh-play football someone has to talk to Stuh-Stan?

[IRRELEVANT FLASHBACK]  
The boys are again getting ready to play football, this time on Phil Collins’ Hill.

STAN:  
[to his huddle crew] Okay. Here’s the plan. I’ll say a bunch of random stuff that has nothing to do with anything and then someone throws me the ball or something.

KYLE:  
Sounds good to me.

TWEEK:  
[twitches] Gah!

Two twin girls, with long, shiny, blonde hair and fancy white dresses walk up behind Stan and giggle.

TWIN GIRLS:  
[simultaneously] Hi, Stan!

The boys get out of their huddle and form a line.

BUTTERS:  
[angrily] Whuh-why we don’t take kindly to girls who interrupt our game of fuh-football. Nuh-no, sir.

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] Yeah! Get lost, you skanks!

Just as Kyle is about to speak, Stan takes a step forward and holds out a hand to his side to stop him.

STAN:  
[intrigued] Who are you?

LEFT GIRL:  
I’m Mary--

RIGHT GIRL:  
\--and I’m Sue!

TWIN GIRLS:  
[simultaneously] And we want to be your friends, Staaaaaan!

The boys all look at Stan, who stares blankly ahead.

STAN:  
[shrugs] Eh. Okay.

He pulls out a gigantic stack of papers from nowhere and hands it to the girls.

STAN:  
If you want to be my friends, I need this form filled out in triplicate, in six different languages, and in multiple colors within one hour. Starting… [looks at his watch] …now!

MARY:  
[pouting] But our pretty dresses will get dirty if we sit on the ground…

SUE:  
[pouting] And…we don’t have a pen…

There is a pause as the boys stare the girls down.

STAN:  
[looks at the other boys] Uh, guys? Where we just talking to someone?

[END IRRELEVANT FLASHBACK]

TWEEK:  
[grabs hair and twitches] Gah! I dunno, man!

STAN:  
[irked] What’s she want now, boy-toy?

TOKEN:  
Look, I came on my own. I wanted to tell you, myself, that I dropped the bitch.

All the boys look at each other with shocked expressions.

STAN:  
[shocked] You did what?

CARTMAN:  
[points at Stan] See! I told you, asshole! The best thing ta do was drop the bitch offa cliff!

KYLE:  
But why, dude?

TOKEN:  
She’s a bitch.

KYLE:  
Oh.

CARTMAN:  
[irked] Well, there’s old news. I’ve been sayin’ that fer years. And did anyone listen? Noooooooo!

STAN:  
Why tell me this? Nothing changes between us. I still hate you, dude.

TOKEN:  
I understand that, but I still wanted to apologize for putting you through hell. I’ll understand if you want me to fuck off, but--

STAN:  
[calmly] I accept your apology, but still. [flips Token off] Right here, buddy.

Token and Stan size each other up for a moment before Token turns to walk away.

TOKEN:  
[as he walks away] I heard you were the one who pissed her off royally last night. Here’s a fair warning: [now off screen] She’ll be coming to kill you shortly.

Stan turns to the other boys.

STAN:  
Well, there’s a point for me and none for the bitch.

BUTTERS:  
Whuh-what’re ya gonna do, Stan? If Whuh-Wendy’s angry thuh-then you could be a dead man! Whuh-why that’d be terrible. Thuh-then I’d have to wear my tuxedo tuh-to your funeral and thuh-then toss a handful of duh-dirt onto yuh-your casket--

STAN:  
[raises an eyebrow] Don’t worry, Butters. No one’s going to die.

WENDY:  
[off screen] STAN!!!

The boys turn to the side to find Wendy and Bebe standing atop a snow drift.

STAN:  
[feigning happiness] Oh! Hey, bitch!

CLYDE:  
Oh, Christ! Let’s get out of here before things get ugly!

CRAIG:  
[nods] Yuh-yeah… Good idea!

Clyde and his gang run off, but not before Craig can flip a middle finger.

KYLE:  
[rolls his eyes, mutters] Teh. Pussies.

WENDY:  
[pissed] This is it, asshole! We fight! Whoever wins, keeps their pride and dignity!

CARTMAN:  
Kick ass! [cracks his knuckles] I like the four to one odds.

KYLE:  
[rolls eyes] Three to one, fat ass.

Stan steps forward and holds out a hand to signal against the other boys getting involved.

STAN:  
No. This is between me and her. You guys stay back.

Cut to a close up of Wendy’s anger filled face.

WENDY:  
[pissed] Let’s dance, cock suh--

Suddenly, a loud crack fills the air. Wendy’s eyes rolls into the back of her head and she falls forward, revealing an eyes wide Bebe. The camera pulls back as she waves a hand about in pain.

BEBE:  
[pained] God damn! That hurt!

BOYS:  
[shocked] Bebe?!

BEBE:  
[pained] Jesus! I think I just broke my hand!

Wendy painfully sits up and clutches the back of her head.

WENDY:  
[pained] Bebe…why?

BEBE:  
Why? [muttering] Oh, shit, this hurts! [normal] All you’ve done is bitch about Stan and how much of an asshole he is! God damn, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that HE was the one going behind YOUR back for several months!

This causes all the boys except Stan to gasp in surprise. Wendy hangs her head and does her best not to look at anyone.

STAN:  
[with a raised eyebrow] Wait… What?!

BEBE:  
And I wasn’t about to sit back and cheer you on for doing something horribly wrong! Especially after you nearly killed me last night! [waves her hand again, muttering] God dammit! This kills! [normal] And we all saw what just happened.

WENDY:  
[pained] But--

BEBE:  
[pissed] No more. I’m done. I’m done being the bitch’s side kick.

CARTMAN:  
[low, to Kyle] Wow… Points definitely go to Bebe for that. [with heart shaped eyes] What a babe…

STAN:  
[calmly] Bebe… What was this about going behind my back?

BEBE:  
[sighs] Several months BEFORE you two broke up, SOMEONE started seeing Token on the side… I’m sorry, Stan. I…I should have told you sooner.

TWEEK:  
[grabs hair] Gah! That is so low!

CARTMAN:  
Yup. That sure sounds like a hippie bitch to me. Keep the main course on the platter, but also get some more free lovin’ as a side dish.

BEBE:  
[pained] Oh, god… Now…if you’ll excuse me, I think I need to get my hand looked at.

As Bebe walks off muttering about her hand, Wendy reaches out to her and starts to cry.

WENDY:  
[sniffling, pained] Wait…! Bebe! Don’t leave me…by myself.

After a moment of staring, she finally breaks down into full on tears. The boys quizzically look at each other.

KYLE:  
Wow. Looks like you score another point, Stan. Even Bebe left her.

WENDY:  
[crying] Go ahead! Kick my ass! I deserve it!

CARTMAN:  
Hell yeah! This is what I want to see! Domestic violence! [laughs]

STAN:  
[glares at Wendy] No.

All the boys stare at Stan in shock.

KYLE:  
[shock] What?

STAN:  
I said “no”.

CARTMAN:  
Oh, for fuck’s sake! I have a thirst for domestic violence! Just kick her fucking ass already!

STAN:  
Shut up, Cartman.

Stan walks up to Wendy and stares down at her. She looks up for a moment, but then quickly looks away.

STAN:  
I SHOULD kick your ass, Wendy, but I’m not. Not because I care, or because I LOVE you. You’re not worth scuffing my shoes. You’re just a selfish bitch. Not once have you thought about anyone else. Oh, sure, you might preach about equality and saving the environment and all that, but have you ever actually taken action? No. Why? You’re a bitch. If you had actually thought about me and my feelings, you could’ve come to me and told me that there was a problem, but you didn’t. Why? Again…because you’re a bitch. And so we have this mess before us. You’ve gone to being the most popular girl in school to the most hated. Dude, even your best friend abandoned you. So how does it feel, Wendy? How does it feel to stand inside my shoes…and to know what a drag it is to see you?

She wipes a few tears from her eyes and still avoids eye contact.

WENDY:  
[sniffling] That’s…how you feel, huh.

Stan’s only reply is a cold hard stare.

WENDY:  
[starts crying again] Fine. Then I won’t bother you again. I’ll just…lock myself in my room…and never come out again!

She gets up to run off, but Stan stops her.

STAN:  
[softly] Dude. You didn’t answer me.

WENDY:  
[crying] It feels horrible!

He lets her go to run off screen. He sighs and turns back to the group.

BUTTERS:  
Thuh-that was a nuh-nice speech, Stan. Whuh-why, I don’t think the puh-president could do any buh-better! And he muh-must be a good speaker if HE became thuh-the president!

STAN:  
[raises an eyebrow] Uh, thanks, Butters.

KYLE:  
Yeah, dude. With that, I’d say you score about ten more points.

CARTMAN:  
[ecstatic] You guys! You guys! Did you see the look on her face?! That was frickin’ priceless!

STAN:  
[half-heartedly] Heh. Yeah.

KENNY:  
(The bitch fuckin’ deserved it.)

TWEEK:  
Gah! Luh-let’s all go to my house and have some coffee to celebrate!

The boys sans Stan shout in agreement.

STAN:  
[downcast] You guys go ahead.

KYLE:  
But, dude, you not being there would defeat the whole purpose of us celebrating!

STAN:  
[walking off, downcast] I think I need to be by myself for a while. [now off screen] Drink my fair share, okay?

CARTMAN:  
What the hell is his problem? He should be freakin’ happy as hell! I would be if I HAD just put that freakin’ bitch in her place!

KYLE:  
Well, fat ass, how would you feel after you just told off a girl that you loved?

BUTTERS:  
Whuh-why I’d feel horrible if I had to do thuh-that.

CARTMAN:  
Now, wait. I’m confused hyah. I thought he hated her.

KYLE:  
He does, but I’m sure there’s a small part of him that doesn’t.

KENNY:  
(Yeah. His dick.)

TWEEK:  
[twitches] Gah! Have you been looking in the locker room?! [screams] I KNEW IT!!! I KNEW THERE WAS SOMEONE WATCHING ME!!!

When Tweek runs away screaming, the boys glare at a bewildered Kenny.

KYLE:  
[rolls eyes, sighs] Kenny… What’d you say to him THIS time?

  
SCENE: Stark’s Pond - Sunset  
During an aerial establishing shot, Wendy can be seen walking out from underneath the bridge. The scene cross-fades to a snow covered evergreen tree near the pond’s edge. The camera pans around it to reveal Wendy sitting nearby with her knees drawn to her chin.

WENDY:  
[downcast] I’m all alone now… [sighs] Why did I do all those things? God… What was I thinking?

She lays her head on her arm as she pulls her legs in closer.

WENDY:  
[downcast] Stan was right. I am a selfish bitch. I…I never stopped to ask anyone their opinion. Not even Bebe… [sniffles] It was all about me. Me! ME! [starts crying] Well, they can hate me all they want! Because…I hate myself.

She buries her face in her arms and sobs loudly.

WENDY:  
[crying] I can’t do this by myself! Not alone! I NEED HELP!

STAN:  
[off screen] The first step to overcoming a problem, is admitting that you have a problem in the first place.

Wendy looks up with tears falling from her wide eyes. Stan, standing in the middle of the frozen pond, gives a smirk and waves. A slight smile forms on Wendy’s face as she sniffles before it disappears and is replaced by a frown.

STAN:  
Hi.

WENDY:  
[pissed] What the hell do you want? [sniffles] You want to finish the reaming you gave me earlier? Then go ahead. [crying] I don’t care. I deserve it.

STAN:  
[downcast] You deserve a reaming as much as I do.

WENDY:  
[sniffles] What?

Stan approaches her and sits down beside her.

STAN:  
[downcast] It came to me after I saw you crying. I’m as much to blame as you are.

WENDY:  
No. No! I’m the one who-- If anyone’s to blame, it’s me!

STAN:  
Dude, yes, you broke up with me, but neither one of us actually sat down to sort through the mess. We just kept piling more shit on top and…

WENDY:  
Stan…

STAN:  
You know… I’ve learned something today. Relationships are a beautiful thing, but…unless taken care of, they become nasty, even scary. Both people involved have to be willing to be truthful to each other and to help each other out. Otherwise…they’ll go through what we just did…

WENDY:  
Yeah…

STAN:  
I think that’s where we screwed up…

WENDY:  
[sniffles] I had been feeling left out, Stan. You stopped coming around and you never called me…

STAN:  
I…was feeling the same way.

WENDY:  
Then, I guess we did it to ourselves.

STAN:  
Yeah.

During a moment of silence, Stan puts his arm around Wendy’s shoulders.

WENDY:  
Do you think things will ever be the same between us, Stan?

STAN:  
Wendy…I don’t hate you anymore, but I don’t think I can get any further than that.

Wendy lays her head on Stan’s shoulder and sighs comfortably.

WENDY:  
Mm. That’s fine.

STAN:  
Cool.

From off screen there is a faint rustling of leaves.

CARTMAN:  
[off screen, faintly] God dammit! I didn’t ride my Big Wheels all the way here to NOT see freakin’ domestic VIOLENCE! There’s animosity in the air! For Christ’s sake, somebody throw a punch!

WENDY:  
[sits upright, shocked] Cartman?!

KYLE:  
[off screen, faintly] Leave ‘em alone, fat ass!

STAN:  
[shocked] Kyle?!

KYLE:  
[off screen, faintly] C’mon! We can kill each other on Okama Gamesphere!

CARTMAN:  
[off screen, faintly] That’s not domestic violence, Jew!

WENDY:  
[screaming] Don’t make whip out some domestic violence on your ASS, CARTMAN!

There are more sounds of rustling leaves until finally silence.

WENDY:  
[smirks] Now…where were we?

STAN:  
Uh, I think we were just sitting here.

WENDY:  
[disappointed] Oh…

As the camera slowly zooms out to an aerial, the sun setting in the west turns the sky from a blue to a bright reddish orange.

WENDY:  
Too bad we’re not dating. This would be a perfect time to kiss.

STAN:  
[annoyed] Don’t even try it.

KYLE:  
[off screen, shouting] Get back here, lard ass!

STAN:  
[rolls eyes] Oh, Jesus.

CARTMAN:  
[off screen, shouting] If you’re not gonna fight, then show us some other kind of action!

WENDY:  
[shouting] Up yours, fat ass!

STAN:  
[pissed] That’s it. I’m going to kick his ass.

After Stan gets up and marches off towards the forested border surrounding the pond, Wendy lets out a slight disappointed huff. After a moment, she jumps to her feet and runs off in the direction that Stan had vacated to.

WENDY:  
[shouting] Staaaaaan! Save some for me!

As the sun continues to set, various thuds are heard, along with various screams from Cartman. The camera stops its movement and settles on an aerial shot from high above. When the fighting sound effects stop, cut to Cartman, with a black eye and his hat missing, weakly standing in the middle of a thicket.

CARTMAN:  
[weakly, pained] God dammit… That was not…the kinda domestic violence I wanted to see.

He falls over face first and sends a cloud of snow into the air.

CARTMAN:  
[weakly, pained] Fuck…

  
[End A Thirst for Domestic Violence]


	2. Knockin' on Heaven's Door

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heaven's Door Arc, Part 1.
> 
> Someone visits an old friend in the South Park cemetery, and ends up having a conversation with someone she didn't expect.

It was a full moon that shone down upon the South Park cemetery. The moon’s light was reflecting off of the snow on the ground, giving the tombstone necropolis an almost tranquil look. All was quiet in this section of South Park; not even the crickets were making a sound. Truly, this church yard was a place fit for the eternal rest.

As the dead slept in their eternal beds, a lone girl slowly wandered down the dark asphalt walkway that divided the cemetery into two halves. The young woman, clad in a purple winter coat and a pink beret, looked about in no nonsense way, as if searching for a particular monolith. Her waist long jet black hair, seemed to float behind her as a slight breeze began to flow through the church yard. The dark haired girl shivered and hugged her jacket closer to her chest.

“It sure is cold out…” she mumbled out loud to no one save herself, or perhaps to any zombies that were present on this night. As she neared the mid section of the cemetery, a sign on the right handed side caught her eye. She moved her lips as she read silently, Mareck - Marten. A look of relief washed over her eyes. The particular grave that she was searching for was very near.

She altered her course to the right to browse the many monoliths and tombstones; Mareck, Mareck, Mareck-Watson. She furrowed her brow in frustration. He had to be around here. …But where? She continued down the aisle of graves and read the names of those below her feet silently to herself.

After some time, she finally found the particular grave she had been questing for. She read the epitaph aloud in an unsound voice, “Here lies Stan Marsh. Sleep well, little child, for the Lord holds thee now.” Tears flooded her eyes as she choked on a sob. “Stan, I’m here. It’s me, Wendy. After all these years, I’ve come to see you.”

Wendy sat down in the snow in front of Stan’s grave. Her head hung low and her eyes were cast downward, almost in a shameful manner. “It’s been some time, hasn’t it?” Her nose sniffled from the cold air. “It’s been seven years since I last saw you, Stan. Alive…” Wendy’s voice trailed off as she struggled to finish her words. The last words, though, were almost too painful to utter. “…or passed on…”

Wendy exhaled deeply as she eyed the sturdy monolith before her. Had it really been that long? Had it really been seven years since that fateful Christmas Eve? The day that…? She vigorously shook her head to rid herself of the thought. “I’m sorry that it’s taken so long to see you. To be honest…” Wendy looked the sky and nervously chuckled. “I’ve been afraid.”

“I’ve been afraid, not of a zombie you bent on revenge, or something, but of…my feelings.” Wendy began to trace the name on the grave marker with her index finger. “I don’t know what Kyle may have told you, but when I found out about the…accident, I was so hurt. I just wanted to jump off the nearest cliff to join you. I tried to hide it, to show everyone that I was happy with Token.” Her hand dropped, limp, to the ground.

Wendy’s eyes narrowed at her thoughts. She whispered to the stone marker, “But I wasn’t.” Again, tears began to well in her eyes. She continued, “I was sad, no, devastated. I couldn’t take him trying to tell me to forget. Being with him made me sick to my stomach. It was then I realized that I took what we had for granted.”

“When I realized that, I grew afraid. Not just of Token, but of everyone, especially Kyle. I’m sure he blames me. I blame myself, too. So, he’s not the only one.” Wendy sighed and wiped the shed tears from her cold reddened cheeks. “I broke it off with Token shortly after. I couldn’t continue with it. It felt wrong and sickening. My heart deserved to be elsewhere. It took your passing to realize that.”

“And so, here I am, after living seven years in fear of myself. Here I am, telling you of my feelings. Feelings that drove me to avoid relationships with other men or, well, anyone for that matter.” Wendy shivered violently in the frigid air, but remained steadfast in the snow. She had to be brave. Brave enough to continue. “My time alone caused me to think; to think endlessly about what you meant to me.” She exhaled slowly and watched as her breath, made visible by the low temperature, traveled skyward for a bit and then disappeared.

“I’ve thought many times over the years of just ending it, Stan. Yes, ending it; just so I could be reunited with you, to share with you my tears in Heaven.” Wendy’s sitting position slouched as the consequences of suicide came to mind. “I wouldn’t be going to Heaven if I did that, would I?” She chuckled at herself. For some reason, she found her own melancholy to be quite humorous. She sighed to herself again, something she had been doing a lot over the years. “Stan, I miss you.”

A voice from behind startled her out the one sided conversation. “Well, hot damn. I’m surprised to see you here.” The undoubtedly male voice seemed to her thick with animosity. Wendy whirled her head around meet the person that had violated her peace with her lost love.

“Kyle…” Wendy murmured. “Wh-what are you doing here?” She wasn’t overly shocked to see him. She knew about his weekly visits. Stan had been his best friend after all. Kyle had every right to be here to grieve for a friend.

Kyle sat down in front of the tombstone beside Wendy. He sighed and, without looking at her, said, “I was driving by when I saw you walk in.” He brought his eyes up to regard her warily. “I wanted to find out what you were doing here.”

Wendy started chewing her bottom lip, and was suddenly fearing the conversation she was about to have. “I-” She tore her eyesight away from the young man in the bright orange coat and found herself staring instead at the name engraved in the stone. “I came to talk to Stan. I came to…” She thought carefully about her next words. “I came to apologize.”

In Wendy’s eyes, Kyle seemed almost confused, like he didn’t understand her declaration. “Apologize?” he inquired, “Apologize for what?”

Wendy slumped forward and sighed. “I wanted to apologize for driving him to his death.” More tears formed in the corners of her eyes and threatened to fall earthward. “It’s because of me that he’s here and not out there with us.” The tear-stricken girl covered her face with her gloved hands. “Because, all because of me…”

The young man grinned slightly and shook his head. “You really think that, Wendy?” he inquired softly. “You really, honestly, think that?”

Wendy responded with a nod. “Yes,” she spoke softly, “I do think that.” She tried to hold back a sob that threatened to force its way out. “I drove him to suicide.” She suddenly felt she could no longer look anywhere near Kyle’s sitting form.

Kyle placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “Wendy,” he heartened, “it wasn’t you. Stan had accepted what had happened between the two of you.” A dark look formed over his features. “It was because of Cartman. That fat assed Cartman…”

The young Jew took a moment to compose himself. “It was Christmas Eve, seven years ago, when, on the side of the road outside Cartman’s house, we found an unmarked bottle containing a type of pill I had, at the time, never seen before. Cartman, being the asshole that he was, dared us to take a few. Kenny and I told him to screw off. Stan however…”

Wendy looked at Kyle, silently begging him to continue. The curiosity, no, the need to know the truth was eating away at her inside. She had to know.

Kyle nodded, mostly to himself and continued, with a melancholy look in his eyes. “Stan, however, took up the challenge. First, it was one, then two, then three… I lost count after that.” The young man shook his head and exhaled. “Sometime later, during a game of backyard football, Stan started to convulse.” Wendy couldn’t hide the look of shock from her face even if she had attempted to. No. Stan couldn’t have died like that. Could he? She had been the one at fault. Right? “Because of the look on your face, I’ll spare you the rest of the details. Stan died that day from an overdose due to a drug Cartman dared him to take.”

Again the sadness flowed into Wendy’s eyes. This time was different, however. All the pain. All the frustration. All the loneliness. She poured it all into her cries, into her sobs, and into her tears. She leaned over and buried her broken heart into Kyle’s shoulder. All this time she thought she had been the one responsible. All this time. However, Cartman, Eric Cartman was the one with the guilt on his shoulders.

When the crying ceased to be, Wendy unlatched herself from the young man and wiped her eyes of stray tears. “What was it, Kyle?” she dared to ask.

Kyle’s eyes were downcast. He shrugged and replied, “They never told us. Just like how no one told you. Cartman somehow managed to save his ass and made it look like a suicide. Since then, everyone’s hated him. We all refused to acknowledge him.”

“Is that why he and his mom moved to Nebraska?”

“Yes. To get away from our accusing stares…and Stan’s pissed off family.”

“But why didn’t anyone tell me the truth?”

“You refused to come out of your house. If anyone tried to talk to you, you wouldn’t acknowledge us, remember? We all thought you had gone crazy.”

And she nearly had. All this time, she had nearly drove herself to be the crazy lady that attacked children with a hatchet. Wendy let herself fall back into the snow. A slight smile grew across her face as she gazed upon the stars above. Stan wouldn’t want her to waste her life away because she thought she did something that she was, in fact, innocent of. She had to accept what God had given and taken away. She had to move on. And there seemed to be no better time than now. And no better friend to move on with than the one with her now. “Kyle?”

Kyle smiled and guided his eyes to hers. “Yes?”

“I’m ready.”

“Ready? For what?”

“To see everyone again.”

Kyle stood and offered a hand to help Wendy out of the snow. “Then let’s go, Wendy.” He gently pulled her to her feet and steadied her when she almost fell forward. “Every Christmas Eve, me, Kenny, Clyde, Tweek, Butters, Jimmy, and Bebe get together to remember him. We’ve always felt that someone was missing from our group. Please come join us tonight. Make us complete.”

For the first time in years, Wendy truly smiled. She enthusiastically nodded her head. “Kyle, I will.” She looked back at the stone marker. “I will for him…and for me.” She took a small step away from the grave. As tears of acceptance tried to fall, she whispered, “When I’m knocking on Heaven’s door… I’ll share with him…my tears in Heaven.”

As they walked away together towards the town of South Park, Kyle put his arm around her shoulders in reassurance. “Then let us not forget him, Wendy. Not ever.” If they had bothered to look back upon the grave of the one they loved so much, they would have seen the ghostly image of a sad, haggard looking ten year old boy.

“Take care of her, Kyle. Please…take care of Wendy.”


	3. Two Guys, a Girl, and a Road Trip to Nebraska

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heaven's Door Arc, Part 2.
> 
> After the events at the cemetery, Wendy hunts down Cartman to bring her fiery revenge down upon him.

SCENE: South Park Cemetery, Christmas Eve, evening  
Teenagers Kyle Broflovski and Wendy Testaburger are sitting in the snow in front of a grave.

KYLE:  
[sadly] Because of the look on your face, I'll spare you the rest of the details. Stan died that day from an overdose due to a drug Cartman dared him to take.

Wendy lets out a loud wail and buries herself in Kyle's shoulder, crying helplessly. Kyle awkwardly puts his arm around her to comfort her and says a few quiet things to help calm her down. After a few moments, Wendy regains her composure and sits upright, wiping tears from her eyes.

WENDY:  
[shaky] Wh-what was it Kyle?

KYLE:  
They never told us. Just like how no one told you. Cartman somehow managed to save his ass and made it look like a suicide. Since then, everyone's hated him. We all refused to acknowledge him.

WENDY:  
Is that why he and his mom moved to Nebraska?

KYLE:  
Yes. To get away from our accusing stares...and Stan's pissed off family.

WENDY:  
But why didn't anyone tell me the truth?

KYLE:  
Dude, you refused to come out of your house. If anyone tried to talk to you, you wouldn't acknowledge us, remember? We all thought you had gone crazy.

Wendy sighs and falls back into the snow. She looks up at the night sky with an ever growing smile on her face. They're silent for a moment.

WENDY:  
Kyle?

KYLE:  
[smiles] Yes?

WENDY:  
[determined] I'm ready.

KYLE:  
Ready? For what?

WENDY:  
[determined] To see everyone again.

Kyle stands and offers a hand to help her out of the snow.

KYLE:  
Then let's go, Wendy.

He pulls her up and catches her when she stumbles forward.

KYLE:  
Every Christmas Eve, me, Kenny, Clyde, Tweek, Butters, Jimmy, and Bebe get together to remember him. We've always felt that someone was missing from our group. Please come join us tonight. Make us complete.

Wendy smiles and eagerly nods her head.

WENDY:  
Kyle... I will.

She looks back at the grave and the smile fades.

WENDY:  
[softly] I will for him...and for me.

She takes a small step away from the grave.

WENDY:  
[crying] When I'm knocking on Heaven's door... I'll share with him...my tears in Heaven.

Kyle and Wendy walk away, with one his arms around her shoulders.

KYLE:  
Then let us not forget him, Wendy. Not ever.

The wind blows, causing the surrounding trees to waver back and forth. A somber voice sounds on the wind.

VOICE:  
Take care of her, Kyle. Please...take care of Wendy.

The scene focuses on the full moon and the surrounding bright stars before it fades out.

  
SCENE: Benny's Family Restaurant  
A montage of sorts focuses on the teenage versions of Kenny, Tweek, Butters, Clyde, Jimmy, and Bebe. Other than a somber piano and acoustic guitar, there is no audio as they sit around a table laughing and drinking coffee or a soda.

When Wendy and Kyle walk in the restaurant, Bebe is the first to notice. Her face lights up brightly.

Bebe rushes to Wendy and hugs her tightly. The two start to cry.

Kenny stands as Kyle approaches the table. The two begin talking excitedly. The others look on with grins.

Wendy breaks from Bebe and walks over to Kenny.

Wendy wraps her arms around Kenny, hugging him. Kenny looks bewildered for a moment, but then pats her gently on the back.

Wendy breaks from Kenny and smiles happily at the others, all the while, tears forming in her eyes.

They all sit down at the table, everyone seemingly bombarding Wendy with questions.

Wendy shakes her head, all the while with the teary smile on her face. The scene then dissolves to the South Park Cemetery. A ghostly ten year old Stan is sitting on his tombstone.

He looks up at the full moon in the sky.

Various scenes of Stan and Wendy happily together fade in and out around the moon.

Stan flipping off Wendy and Token fades in over the moon.

Stan sighs and hops off the tombstone.

He walks towards the wall of trees surrounding the graveyard.

Ten year old Kyle and Kenny appear. A moment later a ten year old Wendy joins them.

Stan stops walking and smiles at the apparitions.

Stan furrows his brows together when they disappear. He slumps his shoulders and continues walking, disappearing before he reaches the trees. The scene dissolves back to Benny's.

Wendy is slouched in her seat and talking, not looking up at anyone.

She stops talking in mid-sentence and looks up. Standing beside Kyle is ten year old Stan. He gives a small wave to her.

Wendy's face screws up with tears as she tries to smile at him. Kyle looks at her with concern. He says something.

Stan smiles sadly and walks through the wall near a window. Wendy rushes to that window, losing her beret in the process, and smashes her face against it.

Stan walks away towards the road and once he reaches it, stops and turns around. He smiles and gives a final wave good bye. Crying, Wendy mouths the words "Good bye." Stan turns and walks into the street, where he dissolves into a fine mist. The music ends and the normal audio returns. Wendy beats a fist on the window.

WENDY:  
[crying] He's gone.

Kyle gets up from his seat to comfort her.

WENDY:  
[crying] He's gone, Kyle.

KYLE:  
[placing a hand on her shoulder] I know.

WENDY:  
What am I gonna do now?

KYLE:  
Look, I know it's hard, but you need to move on. Hell, several years ago, I was in the same position you are. It was...tough, but you have to, Wendy. If not for you, then for Stan.

Wendy sighs and wipes a few tears from her eyes. Suddenly, she smirks evilly.

WENDY:  
[evilly] Y-you're right, I should move on.

JIMMY: Wh-wh-what?!

Kyle backs off.

KYLE:  
Wendy?

WENDY:  
[turning around] I lost Stan and seven years of life because of that fat fuck, Cartman! And I'm not about to let him get away with it!

Wendy lets out an evil giggle, which then turns into an evil laugh. All the other teens look at each other, concerned.

WENDY:  
Run for your life, Eric Cartman...

Tweek nervously jumps in his seat and spills his coffee.

WENDY:  
Because...you shouldn't...ever...fuck...with Wendy...Testaburger!

Wendy then runs out of the restaurant as the others just stare wide eyed. Tweek, however, is staring at the table.

KYLE:  
Wow.

TWEEK:  
Ah! She made me spill my coffee!

  
SCENE: Wendy's house, a few days later  
Kyle and Kenny walk up to the door and knock.

SCENE: Wendy's bedroom  
Wendy is sitting at the computer typing on some keys. Classical music is coming softly from the speakers. She is wearing a purple, translucent night gown and her long dark hair is disheveled.

WENDY:  
Ha! I finally found you!

Laughing, she spins her chair around and lets it stop on its own.

WENDY:  
Oh, my god! This is going to be great!

KYLE:  
[off screen] What's going to be great?

Wendy does a double take and falls out of her chair.

WENDY:  
[from the floor] What are you doing here?!

KENNY:  
We came to see if you were okay.

Kyle pulls her beret out of his coat pocket and tosses it on her bed.

KYLE:  
And to return this to you. You left it in the restaurant the other night when you ran out of there like a woman possessed.

WENDY:  
Thanks, guys!

Wendy stands and jumps up and down in excitement, causing the boys' eyes to get wide.

WENDY:  
[excited] I have good news! I found him! I know where he lives!

KENNY:  
[struggling] Th-that's great... Wendy? I'm gonna go use your bathroom... [turns around] ...for about ten minutes.

Kenny runs out of the room and into the hallway. Kyle calmly backs out and gently closes the door behind him.

KYLE:  
[off screen] I'll be outside rolling around in the snow...thinking about cold showers...and Janet Reno...

WENDY:  
What the hell is wrong with you guys?!

Wendy looks down at herself.

WENDY:  
Oh, god! I'm not wearing any underwear!

  
SCENE: Outside Wendy's house  
Kyle is rolling around in the snow, yelling the name Janet Reno over and over. He stops and sits up when Wendy screams.

SCENE: Wendy's bedroom, sometime later  
Wendy, fully clothed, is seated in front of her computer with Kyle, stripped of his jacket and hat, and Kenny standing on either side of her.

WENDY:  
[typing furiously] Okay, so I hacked into the Nebraska BMV database and ran a search for the name Cartman.

KYLE:  
And I take it you got a few hits, right?

WENDY:  
[still typing] Oh, few hundred, and a few dozen deceased but I didn't let that discourage me.

The computer beeps a few times.

WENDY:  
[still typing] So, I narrowed down the search to living Cartmans with the name Eric T.

There is a loud buzzer sound.

KYLE:  
[looking around] What the hell was that?

WENDY:  
[still typing] Your coat's dry. And we come up with... [taps a single key] three hits.

KENNY:  
[awestruck] Wow! Killer brains and a killer body! I think I'm falling in love with you, Wendy!

Wendy looks up at Kenny with a big smile.

WENDY:  
Thank you, Kenny! But pull what you did earlier again and I'll have to kick your teeth in.

Kenny laughs nervously and looks side to side.

KENNY:  
I don’t know what you mean. [low] Wow. Scary...

WENDY:  
[back at the screen] Anyway, our three hits are; Eric Thomas Cartman, Chadron, Nebraska; Eric Timothy Cartman, Beatrice, Nebraska; and Eric Theodore Cartman, Rensellear, Nebraska.

KENNY:  
Bingo.

KYLE:  
Rensellear? That's not far from the state line, I think. Some backwater town near Sydney.

Wendy gets an evil look on her face.

WENDY:  
Boys, if you're with me, then pack your bags with a weapon. We're taking a road trip to Rensellear, Nebraska.

SCENE: Somewhere outside Rensellear, Nebraska  
A lone white sports car, kicking up a cloud dust behind it, drives on an isolated road in the corn fields. After a minute or so of driving, it skids to a stop at an angle in the road just outside the town. Kyle steps out of the driver's side, and Wendy out of the passenger side. She moves slightly and Kenny steps out. They all have shed their normal attire. Kyle is now wearing a brown T-shirt bearing the Triforce symbol and the phrase, "Got Zelda?," tan khakis, and big brown "shit kicker" boots. No longer wearing his green hat, he has his dark red hair spiked up. And to top off the ensemble, he has black wrap around shades. Wendy is now sporting a shiny silver T-shirt that ends above her midriff, showing off her stomach, and a pair of blue jeans that fit almost too well. Gone is her beret, only to be replaced with a purple tie to hold her dark waist long hair loosely behind her back in a half-assed pony tail. Having shed the thick winter coat and hood, Kenny is now clad in a tattered yellow shirt with a swiss cheese design, complete with the words "Behold the Power of Cheese!" and faded and frayed blue jeans. His hair like always, is uncombed, and it appears that he hasn't shaved in a few days. Resting his arms on the top of the door of his car, Kyle takes his shades off with one hand, and gestures towards the town with the other.

KYLE:  
Well, there it is. The town that holds the biggest asshole of them all. Eric Cartman.

Wendy grins and cracks her knuckles.

WENDY:  
I can't wait to see the look on his face when we beat his ass to the ground!

KENNY:  
Girl, you sound so sexy when you talk about beating someone's ass.

Wendy shoots Kenny an annoyed look.

WENDY:  
I thought I told you to stop thinking with your dick?

Kenny lights up a cigarette and exhales, blowing a puff of smoke away from the others.

KENNY:  
You did, but you know how well I listen.

KYLE:  
Okay, you guys. Cartman's the common enemy here. Remember that.

Wendy nods.

KYLE:  
And as soon as Kenny's through killing his lungs, we can head into town and kill the fat ass.

Kenny merely shrugs and takes another drag off of his cig.

KENNY:  
Like sex, it's just one of the few pleasures in my life.

Wendy, with an angry look on her face, pulls a paper fan out the car and whacks Kenny on the head with it. The normal animation is then replaced with a strange, colored-pencil drawing of the scene. Wendy, now wielding a gigantic paper fan, is frozen in mid-strike, while Kenny, with an exaggerated expression of pain on his face and blood flying out his nose, is frozen in mid-flight to the ground, head first. Kyle is merely looking on with a shocked expression. When the normal animation returns, Kenny is laying on the ground in a heap, his hand twitching every so often. Wendy folds her arms across her chest with a "hmph."

WENDY:  
Pervert.

  
SCENE: Main Street, Rensellear  
The town, which is strikingly similar to South Park, is bustling with activity. People are outside mowing yards, tending to their gardens, ect. The scene focuses on one young man in particular. This teen is tall and well built. His brown hair is slicked back and seems to reflect the sun quite well. His clothes consist mainly of a dark business suit and a red and white striped tie. This young man is walking along the side walk, whistling happily, until he comes upon an elderly lady, who seems to be frustrated.

YOUTH:  
Hello, ma'am. [concerned] Is everything alright?

OLD LADY:  
Hello, there, lad. Would you help an old lady across the street?

YOUTH:  
Certainly, ma'am. Helping people is what I was put on this earth for!

OLD LADY:  
You're such a nice young man. Why can't all these kids be like you?

YOUTH:  
I don't know, ma'am. Maybe I'm just one of a kind!

The two laugh.

Elsewhere, Wendy and Kenny are standing on either side of Kyle as he marks something off a list.

KYLE:  
[sighs, disappointed] Okay, we've tried the arcade-

WENDY:  
Dud.

KYLE:  
-the mall-

KENNY:  
Sorry.

KYLE:  
-all the fast food joints-

WENDY:  
Nothing.

KYLE:  
-the grocery store-

KENNY:  
Zilch.

KYLE:  
-even the frickin' library!

WENDY/KENNY:  
And not a damn thing!

KYLE:  
God! No one here in this podunk town even knows of an Eric Cartman, let alone the one we're looking for.

YOUTH:  
[off screen] Are you looking for someone?

All three teens jump and turn around. Behind them is the young man from earlier.

KYLE:  
Uh, yeah. We're looking for a friend of ours. He moved away from our town several years ago.

YOUTH:  
I see.

He eyes up the three South Park teens. He lingers on Wendy for a moment longer than the others.

YOUTH:  
What's his name? Maybe I can help?

WENDY:  
We've already asked everyone in town and no one's heard of him. Who's to say you'll be any different?

YOUTH:  
Well, I am a business man. I know a lot of people.

KYLE:  
Alright, dude. We're looking for an Eric Theodore Cartman from South Park.

The young man's eyes widen with shock for a moment before he manages to compose himself. Kenny eyes the other teen suspiciously.

KENNY:  
Do you know him?

The young man looks around for a moment and leans in close to the others.

YOUTH:  
[whispering] I do. I'll tell you everything I know about him, but not here. Follow me to a more secluded area.

Kyle and his friends look at each other in puzzlement. Kyle shrugs his shoulders.

SCENE: A park  
A few kids are playing with a football. One tosses the ball off screen and they run after it. Kyle, Kenny, Wendy, and the young man walk in. They stop near a fountain. Again, the young man eyes Wendy. Kyle starts to get jealous.

KYLE:  
Alright, bud. What do you know about Cartman?

The young man ignores the question and walks up to Wendy. He places his hands on her shoulders.

YOUTH:  
Do you miss him?

Wendy looks at the foreign hands on her body and then up at the other's face.

WENDY:  
Not really. Let's just say we have...unfinished business.

The young man's grip gets tighter, causing Wendy to fidget uncomfortably.

YOUTH:  
That's not what I meant.

WENDY:  
[struggling] Hey!

KYLE:  
[angry] What the hell are you doing, asshole?!

YOUTH:  
[sneer] Do you miss your BOYFRIEND, Wendy?

Kyle and Wendy stare in shock, while Kenny raises a questioning eyebrow.

KYLE:  
Who the hell are you?

WENDY:  
[softly] Cartman?

CARTMAN:  
[sarcastically] No, I’m frickin’ Scott Baio.

Cartman pushes Wendy into Kyle and the two tumble to the ground.

KENNY:  
I fucking knew it.

Cartman claps his hands.

CARTMAN:  
Gentlemen?

Many armed soldiers step out from behind the fountain, bushes, trees, trashcans, ect. The kids that were playing football earlier come back in the scene. They reach up to their heads and unzip themselves, revealing soldiers in costumes. They all form a circle around the three. Kyle and Wendy stand and look around. He tries to hold her protectively. She looks at him oddly, but dismisses it. Cartman paces in front of the teens.

CARTMAN:  
Yes, I bet you did know it was me, Kenny. You always were a smart lad. And I bet you just as quickly dismissed it. You refuse to accept that things might not be what they seem.

Kenny just stares.

CARTMAN:  
That's why you were born poor, will live poor, and will die poor, you god damned poor piece of shit!

KENNY:  
[angry] What the fuck does that have to do with anything?!

Cartman nods and a soldier aims his gun at Kenny's head.

CARTMAN: I'd watch what you say an’ how you say it, Kenny. My soldiers have itchy trigger fingers.

Cartman then turns his sights to Kyle.

CARTMAN:  
[shaking his head] Kyle, Kyle, Kyle.

KYLE:  
[annoyed] What?

CARTMAN:  
Why are you here, Kyle?

KYLE:  
[angry] What the hell do you think? To kick your ass!

CARTMAN:  
Oh, but Kyle, we all know why you're here. And it's not to "kick my ass," per se.

Cartman smirks.

CARTMAN:  
By the way, Kyle. Nice Zelda shirt. I had one too. When I was five!

KYLE:  
Very funny, fat ass.

Cartman laughs. After he stops in front of Wendy, he places a finger on her chin and outlines the outside of her face. She grunts and recoils. Kyle pulls a fist back for a punch, but is stopped and restrained by a guard. Kyle struggles to get loose.

KYLE:  
Get your hands off of her, you mongoloid!

Another soldier comes up and duct-tapes his mouth shut.

CARTMAN:  
Thanks, you guys!

KYLE:  
Mmmph!

CARTMAN:  
Oh, is this making you jealous, Kyle? How do you think Stan would feel knowing that his best friend wants to score with his woman?

Wendy slugs Cartman and sends him reeling. The soldiers raise their guns at Wendy's head. Cartman holds out a hand.

CARTMAN:  
Stop, god dammit!

He stands.

CARTMAN:  
Heh heh. I like a little spunk, you know.

He nods and a soldier restrains Wendy. She makes no move to resist, other than an angry glare. Cartman walks back up to her and leans in, just inches from her face.

CARTMAN:  
[low] So, how did it feel, Wendy, when you thought you were so smart by hacking into the BMV's database to find me?

The glare remains, other than a single eyebrow raising just slightly.

CARTMAN:  
[low] Ah, yes. I figured you would try that. Well, maybe I should tell you.

Cartman backs away.

CARTMAN:  
Yes, I think I should. I figured that one day, you, Wendy, would break from your depression and, after learning the truth from the Jew, attempt to track me down. So, knowing that the easiest way of finding someone was the BMV, I bet myself that you would attempt to find my driver's license through there. Little did you know, that I had done some hacking of my own.

KENNY:  
So… You don't live here?

CARTMAN:  
Pfft! Hell, no! And I'm not telling you were, either! The last thing I need is the friggin' South Park dork squad bangin' on my front door! [to Wendy] I knew you'd come here, Wendy. I also knew that you'd bring the Jew and the pov with you. [mocking voice] We have to kill the fat ass to avenge Stan! [normal] Bah! Good riddance! That's one less hippie in my hair!

WENDY:  
So, you did kill him!

CARTMAN:  
Hell, yeah, I did! I planted the bottle and all it took was a little challenge to get him riled. He was already emotional and wishing death upon himself. He was just too much of a pussy to take the first step. All I did was just push him in the right direction.

WENDY:  
You asshole!

Cartman back hands Wendy, enraging Kyle.

CARTMAN:  
Calm down, Jew Boy. Or you'll die sooner.

KENNY:  
Stan was not emotional, shit for brains!

CARTMAN:  
Okay, yeah, I lied. Stan thought he was the shit. Always thinking he was the leader and the best! He always got the girls, god dammit!  
  
Kyle again tries to break free.

KYLE:  
[angry] Mmmph!

CARTMAN:  
Oh, speaking of you, Kyle, you were gonna be next, but fortunately, for you, I was forced to move away. By coming here, you saved me the trouble of having to march my minions down to South Park to kill you. Heh. You were the same as him! It was always about you and how you had it better than everyone else!

KENNY:  
That's what this is all about? Jealousy? What about m-

Everyone cringes when a gunshot rings out. A soldier behind Kenny falls to the ground, dead. None of the other soldiers move. Kenny looks to the ground and then at Cartman. Cartman has his suit jacket pulled away from his body with one hand and a smoking gun pointed out in the other.

CARTMAN:  
Next time I won’t miss.

KENNY:  
You're a cold bastard.

CARTMAN:  
I've been called that before, by many who met their death by my hands. Now, I'd like show you guys just how hospitable I am.

He signals to his soldiers.

CARTMAN:  
Take them to base and...show them the guest room.

As soldiers take the teens away, Wendy struggles.

WENDY:  
[off screen]  
You won't get away with this, Cartman! I'll personally kill you with my bare hands!

CARTMAN:  
Yeah. Okay! You do that!

He walks off screen, laughing.

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] You assholes don’t have a chance in hell!

[End Two Guys, a Girl, and a Road Trip to Nebraska]


	4. This Ain't No Payback Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heaven's Door Arc, Part 3.
> 
> After arriving at their destination, Wendy, Kyle, and Kenny find themselves in a cramped situation.

SCENE: Wendy's house  
Bebe walks up to Wendy's house and knocks on the door. It opens and reveals Mrs. Testaburger.

MRS. TESTABURGER:  
Oh, hello, Bebe.

BEBE:  
Hi, Mrs. Testaburger! Is Wendy home?

MRS. TESTABURGER:  
Actually, no. She went on a road trip to Nebraska with some boys.

BEBE:  
Boys?! Wow! She recovered fast!

MRS. TESTABURGER:  
Hmm... You know, she did leave a note for you.

BEBE:  
A note?

Mrs. Testaburger walks back in the house for a moment. When she returns, she hands Bebe an envelope. Bebe looks at it with mild amusement, and opens it.

BEBE:  
[reading] "Dear Bebe, by the time you get this note, I'll be in Nebraska ripping the balls off of Eric Cartman, frying them in wing sauce, and serving them to him on a taco! If I'm not back in a week, AVENGE ME! Love, Wendy. P.S. Please don't tell my mom about this."

Bebe and Mrs. Testaburger share shocked looks.

BEBE:  
Huh.

  
SCENE: Prison cell  
Concrete makes up three of the walls, while the fourth wall and the door are steel bars. Water drips slowly in one of the corners. Wendy, Kyle, and Kenny are sitting on the floor in the middle of the room, contemplating their next step.

WENDY:  
Who would've thought the fat ass had a trap waiting for us.

KYLE:  
Man, I should've been expecting this, especially after he tricked Scott Tenorman into eating his parents.

WENDY:  
[recoiling] Eww, gross! He really did that?

Kenny leans back against the wall, puts a cigarette in his mouth, and lights it.

KENNY:  
Ahhh... Sweet nic-o-tine.

KYLE:  
So, any ideas, guys?

KENNY:  
I got one. Wendy can take her shirt and bra off and-

WENDY:  
Hey!

KYLE:  
[catching on] -and get the guard to come in here so we can beat him up! Why didn't I think of that?

KENNY:  
Actually, I was gonna say that she can give me a lap dance, but your version does involve us getting outta here. So...

WENDY:  
Y'know, Kenny, that's sexual harassment.

KENNY:  
[takes another puff] It's just a joke, Wendy. Jesus. Lighten up a little.

WENDY:  
[blushing] Well, either way, I am not taking my top off.

KYLE:  
Well, it would work, unless they were all gay.

KENNY:  
And knowing Cartman, the biggest homophobe ever, he probably killed the ones that were.

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] And I did, thank you.

They all look up at the door as it opens. Cartman and a few of his cronies are standing outside the cell. He points to Wendy.

CARTMAN:  
You. Hippie bitch. You're comin' with me.

WENDY:  
Why should I listen to you, fat ass?

CARTMAN:  
Your fat insults no longer apply to me!

WENDY:  
As far as I'm concerned, once a fat ass, always a fat ass!

KYLE:  
Yeah! You fa-

Cartman pulls out his gun and levels it with Kyle's head.

CARTMAN:  
[voice cracking] Go ahead! Give me another god damn reason to blow your fuckin' Jew brains all over the wall!

WENDY:  
What?!

KYLE:  
[shock] Jesus Christ!

CARTMAN:  
[to Wendy] Listen up, hippie. Do you want this fuckin' Jew to live longer than five more seconds?

Wendy slowly nods.

CARTMAN:  
[angry] Then get your bitch ass out this door! NOW!

Wendy quickly stands and runs out, only to be grabbed by a lackey. Cartman slams the door shut and locks it. He looks back at Kyle and Kenny.

CARTMAN:  
I'll come back for you two later. Auf Wiedersehen, assholes.

WENDY:  
Kyle!

Kyle rushes to the door as Cartman and his lackeys leave with Wendy.

KYLE:  
Wendy!

Kyle grips the bars and beats his forehead on them.

KYLE:  
[synchronized with each strike] Damn! Damn! Damn! Ow!

Kyle rubs his head.

KYLE:  
Well, there goes that plan.

KENNY:  
Dude, a little off subject, but bear with me.

KYLE:  
'Kay.

KENNY:  
Do you have a boner for Wendy or something?

KYLE:  
[annoyed] Of all the off subject topics, you had to pick the most irrelevant.

  
SCENE: Torture chamber  
Wendy, in nothing but her undergarments and socks, is shackled to a wall by her arms, while Cartman holds a whip in his hands. There are three empty shackles next to her.

WENDY:  
[angry] What's the deal, fat fuck?

CARTMAN:  
It's very simple, really. I fill your last moments on this world with excruciating pain, then when you beg for it to stop, I give you death. Sounds easy, doesn't it?

WENDY:  
[mocking] Sounds kinky, fat tits.

CARTMAN:  
[rolls eyes] Right. However...

WENDY:  
[raising an eyebrow] However?

CARTMAN:  
I may be willing to spare the Jew and pov, and-

WENDY:  
And?

CARTMAN:  
Stop interrupting me, bitch! I hate it when people do that to me! I hate it! I HATE IT!!!

WENDY:  
Just spit it out, lard ass.

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] AND... I'll overlook you comin' to kill me and all your insults if...

Cartman waits for Wendy to mock him again. Her face remains passive excepting the small snicker that leaks out.

CARTMAN:  
-if you spend the evening...with me...in my bed chambers.

WENDY:  
Why would I do that?

CARTMAN:  
Look at me, Wendy. I'm the perfect man. I've got looks, I've got money, and I've got LACKEYS! Who, besides me, do you know has lackeys?

WENDY:  
[mock confusion] Ted Turner?

  
SCENE: Prison cell  
Kyle is failing to rip the door off its hinges.

KYLE:  
[frantic] Dammit! It won't come off.

KENNY:  
Calm down, Kyle.

KYLE:  
[frantic] But Cartman could have Wendy stripped naked and shackled to a wall! He could be trying to have his way with her!

Kenny gets up from his seat on the floor, slowly walks up to Kyle, and promptly slaps him in the face.

KENNY:  
I said calm down!

KYLE:  
[frantic] But-

KENNY:  
Look, Kyle, smoke a cigarette with me.

KYLE:  
[frantic] What?! Now?!

KENNY:  
Now is as good as ever. It's not like we can get outta here by shaking the door down.

The two stare at each other for a moment.

KYLE:  
[calmer] But I don't smoke.

KENNY:  
Just one.

KYLE:  
[annoyed] Fine.

  
SCENE: Torture chamber  
Cartman is pacing in front of Wendy.

CARTMAN:  
[annoyed] Alright. Since you can't seem to get the answer right, I'll ask you again. Who, besides me, do you PERSONALLY know that has lackeys?

Wendy searches for a response, and after a moment, she slumps in her shackles.

WENDY:  
[sighs, defeated] No one.

CARTMAN:  
HA!! You see?! Come on, Wendy. You know you want it. I'm a lady killer, babe. I've done things to girls you can only...imagine.

Wendy slowly raises her head, to reveal a smirk on her lips.

WENDY:  
Really? [sensually] Eric, baby. I want it.

Cartman walks closer and grins evilly.

CARTMAN:  
I thought so.

Wendy stretches out a leg to rub up against Cartman's.

WENDY:  
[sensually] Tell me, you hot stud, how DO you manage to pay for all your minions?

CARTMAN:  
[laughing] My mother got married to some rich nerd. I never really liked that asshole.

WENDY:  
[sensually] Oohh... Did you give it to him, baby?

CARTMAN:  
[getting closer, low] Oh, yeah. But, Mother saw everything. It pained me, but I had to do away with her, too.

Wendy shudders with ecstasy. Cartman looks Wendy up and down before he places his hands on the wall on either side of her head.

CARTMAN:  
[low] Has anyone told you that the years have been good to you?

WENDY:  
[low] Mmm. The years have been good to you, too.

CARTMAN:  
[low] Then why shouldn't we...?

WENDY:  
[excited] Oh, god! Just shut up and kiss me!

  
SCENE: Prison cell  
Kyle and Kenny are sitting on the floor, smoking. Kyle is shaking and glancing at the door every so often.

KENNY:  
First things first. Wendy's a bitch.

KYLE:  
[shocked] What?!

KENNY:  
Dude! Calm down. What I mean, is that she can take care of herself. So don't worry about her.

Kenny takes a drag off his cig.

KENNY:  
[while exhaling] What we need to worry about is you.

KYLE:  
Me?

KENNY:  
Yes, you. I asked you a question earlier, and you danced around it like a fairy.

KYLE:  
[not looking at Kenny] I don't remember the question.

KENNY:  
Alright. I'll ask again. Do-you-have-a-bon-er-for-Wen-dy-Test-a-bur-ger?

Kyle closes his eyes and sighs.

KYLE:  
I don't know.

KENNY:  
I'll take that as a yes.

KYLE:  
I just started having feelings towards her the other night when I found-

KENNY:  
Alright! Alright! We don't have time for the whole damn story! But I am gonna tell you this. Cartman knows and he will use it against you. Remember that!

Kyle just nods.  
  
KENNY:  
[getting up] Okay! Now that we've talked and gotten that out in the open, it's time to break out of here.

KYLE:  
You can get us out of here?

KENNY:  
[slyly] Let's just say that livin' on the wrong side of the hood can teach you a few things that one shouldn't learn.

KYLE:  
So... You're gonna pick the lock?

KENNY:  
[grins] Possibly.

KYLE:  
Sweet.

Kyle goes to put out his unsmoked cigarette. Kenny's eyes get wide.

KENNY:  
Dude! Don't do that! That's a waste of good nicotine!

  
SCENE: Torture chamber  
Cartman and Wendy kiss. It starts off slow. Both close their eyes, and seem to enjoy the moment, until Cartman's eyes pop open and a wordless scream flows from his lips. He falls over backwards, clutching his balls. Wendy holds her knee in its ball crunching position.

WENDY:  
[mocking] Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot to tell you. I don't kiss asses, let alone the hole of one.

CARTMAN:  
[nearly inaudible] You...fucking...bitch...

WENDY:  
And to think, you actually believed it! Ha! The day I have sex with you, is the day Kenny starts picking up men!

Wendy spits on Cartman as he writhes on the ground in pain.

WENDY:  
You may not be fat anymore, but you're still a fuck!

Wendy's shackles suddenly come undone. She looks at them in surprise.

WENDY:  
[sarcastically] A lot of thought definitely went into this, 'cause it certainly is a weak escape.

She rubs her wrists.

CARTMAN:  
[pained] I swear to God, I will-

Wendy kicks Cartman in the ribs several times.

WENDY:  
[angry] Shut up, fat ass!

CARTMAN:  
God dammit!

He coughs up blood.

WENDY:  
I better find Kyle and Kenny.

She spies her clothes in the corner.

WENDY:  
Getting dressed first would be wise. I'm keeping my eye on you, Cartman.

Wendy walks backwards to her clothes. Cartman just looks up at her, breathing haggardly. Wendy, without looking down, grabs her shirt. When she slips it on, Cartman reaches underneath his suit jacket. She straightens her shirt out and reaches down for her jeans. Cartman suddenly whips his gun out.

CARTMAN:  
[pained] Hey, bitch.

Wendy looks up alarmed.

CARTMAN:  
Fuck you.

Just as Cartman fires, Wendy dives out of the way. When she hits the ground in a somersault, the bullet ricochets off the wall in the direction opposite of Wendy. She rolls to her feet and bolts out the door. Immediately afterwards, a paper airplane floats into the room and hits Cartman on the head. Groaning loudly, he picks it up and unfolds it. It reads in crayon, "Nyah, nyah! You missed me, asshole! -Wendy T." And next to the message is a childish drawing of Wendy's head, sticking her tongue out mockingly. Cartman crumples the paper and throws it angrily across the room. The camera cuts in to a close up as he attempts to get up, but fails with a cry of pain.

CHILD’S VOICE:  
[off screen] Hey, fat ass.

CARTMAN:  
[eyes widen in shock] You!

  
SCENE: Hallway  
Wendy is sprinting down the hallway, still clutching her jeans in one hand.

WENDY:  
Jesus! I nearly bought the farm back there!

She rounds a corner and stops to find three Cartman lackeys with machine guns further down the hallway. They quickly spot her.

WENDY:  
Oh, shit!

She dives into a side room just as they fire. After catching her bearings, she quickly pulls her jeans on and looks around the room for a spot to hide. The room is filled with lockers. She rushes up to one and tries to open it.

WENDY:  
[low] Damn!

Wendy tries another one. It opens and just her luck, is empty. She quickly steps inside and closes the door. A centerfold of a naked woman is taped to the inside.

WENDY:  
[low] Oh, great. I get to look at a slut.

She peeks out of the vents.

WENDY:  
[low, sly] Come here, boys...

Elsewhere, Kenny and Kyle are running down a hallway, looking in the various rooms they pass.

KYLE:  
God, where the hell is she?

KENNY:  
We'll find her.

They continue their path until they run into a guard coming out of a room. Everyone tumbles to the ground. Kyle and the guard sit up at the same time. Kyle painfully rubs his head.

GUARD:  
Hey, you're those kids!

KYLE:  
[frantic] Oh, crap!

The sickening sound of a nose breaking accompanies crimson blood flying through the air, after Kyle's fist makes contact with the guard's face. He falls over backwards and never moves afterwards. Kenny crawls over to the body.

KENNY:  
Jesus, I think you killed 'im, Kyle!

KYLE:  
[freaking out] Oh, god! I killed someone!

Kenny grips Kyle's shoulders.

KENNY:  
Dude! He was just a faceless crony employed by Cartman! Don't think too much into it!

KYLE:  
[freaking out] But what if he had a family?!

Kenny slaps Kyle across the face.

KENNY:  
This is the second time I've had to slap you! Don't make me do it again!

KYLE:  
But-

KENNY:  
You wanna chance at Wendy? Then stop being a pussy and grow some fucking balls! Chicks like guys with balls!

Kyle stares at Kenny for a moment.

KYLE:  
[calmer] But what if the chicks are lesbians?

Kenny seems taken off guard for a moment.

KENNY:  
Looks like you're growin' some now as we speak! Good boy!

Kenny stands.

KENNY:  
Take his gun, Kyle. You'll need it more than I will. [cracks knuckles] Heh. It's crunch time.

  
SCENE: Torture room  
Cartman is sitting up against a wall. He seems to be talking to someone off screen.

CARTMAN:  
[one eye open, pained] So, why're you here? Shouldn't you be rotting in Hell by now?

CHILD’S VOICE:  
[off screen] I can't go to Heaven or to Hell. I'm not allowed in to either until someone who cares a lot about me, learns to let go.

CARTMAN:  
[eyes closed] Heh. That really sucks to be you, doesn't it?

CHILD’S VOICE:  
[off screen] Screw you, fat ass!

The child walks on screen. It turns out to be the haggard spirit of ten year old Stan. He grabs Cartman's shirt collar.

STAN:  
I wouldn't be here right now, if it hadn't been for you! You deserve whatever god damn revenge Wendy has planned for you! That's why I let her go!

CARTMAN:  
[weakly] Oh, I see. Help your fucking girlfriend make me suffer, huh?

STAN:  
How the fuck do you think I feel, ass wipe?! I've been stuck in limbo for seven years!

CARTMAN:  
[mocking, weak] Oh, boo hoo! I've been stuck in limbo! I can't see The Grateful Dead in concert! Go back to the graveyard with all the other dead hippies,   
and grow some god damn balls!

Stan lets go of Cartman.

STAN:  
You know what? I'm done talking to you. I thought that maybe appearing to you before Wendy kicked your ass would help bring some kind of peace between us before I had to spend an eternity with you. I guess I thought wrong.

Stan turns and walks away, leaving Cartman to look at him, confused.

STAN:  
Cartman...

Stan stops walking and looks behind him. An almost inhuman evil grin spreads across his face.

STAN:  
You'll love it in Hell...

Stan continues walking and disappears.

CARTMAN:  
[sighs] God dammit, I hate hippies.

  
SCENE: Locker room  
Wendy is still hiding in the locker, waiting for the Cartman lackeys to enter the room and tear it apart. When the sounds of gunshots fill the locker, Wendy ducks and covers her head. There are a few cries of pain, and the shooting stops. Wendy slowly stands up and peeks out the vents.  
  
KYLE:  
[off screen] Jesus! This is giving me such a rush! It's like that game we played as kids!

KENNY:  
[off screen] You mean, "Thirst for Blood?"

KYLE:  
[off screen] Yeah, that one!

Wendy slowly opens the locker and, after making sure no enemies are around, steps out.

WENDY:  
[uncertainly] Kyle?

KYLE:  
[off screen, ecstatic] Wendy?!

Kyle and Kenny run into the room. They both have guns.

KYLE:  
It is you! [relieved] Oh, thank god!

Wendy runs up and hugs Kyle, all the while laughing.

WENDY:  
Kyle, I'm so happy you're safe!

KENNY:  
What about me?

Wendy looks at Kenny with a smile.

WENDY:  
You too, Kenny!

KYLE:  
What happened to you? No, wait, where's Cartman? Did you...?

WENDY:  
No, not yet. I wanted to find you guys first. I did beat him up pretty bad, though. He's probably still in the torture room.

KYLE:  
[shocked] Torture room?!

WENDY:  
Yeah, this way!

They walk out into the hallway and find the mess that Kyle and Kenny had left. Wendy, bends down and grabs a machine gun. She cocks the barrel.

WENDY:  
[low] Give me back my Stan, Cartman!

  
SCENE: Torture chamber  
Cartman has finally gotten up and made it to the door. He steps out into the hall and walks along the wall, using his hand to support him.

CARTMAN:  
[muttering] Those assholes. I'll show them. I'll show them who's the man around here.

As he comes to a corner, he stops when shadows are seen. Cartman aims his weapon. Kenny is the first to round the corner. His eyes get wide as everything slows down.

KENNY:  
[slo mo] Fat ass!

Cartman fires. Still in slow motion, the camera follows the bullet as it flies along its trajectory. Kenny tries to get out of the way, but is too slow. The speed returns to normal just as Kenny is struck in the shoulder. He screams and falls to the floor, his gun sliding back into the passage he come from.

KYLE:  
Kenny!

Still leaning on the wall, Cartman aims his gun to the downed Kenny.

CARTMAN:  
Assholes! Come out slowly, or the pov piece of shit gets a bullet in the head! You've got five seconds!

KENNY:  
[pained] Don't do it! Don't let him win!

CARTMAN:  
Four seconds.

KYLE:  
We can't let you die, Kenny!

CARTMAN:  
Three seconds.

KENNY:  
[pained] It doesn't matter! I've lead a good life!

CARTMAN:  
How touching. Two seconds.

WENDY:  
No, Kenny, don't say that!

CARTMAN:  
One second.

KENNY:  
[pained] I've got no regrets!

CARTMAN:  
That's it. Times up, assholes.

KYLE:  
Hold it!

Kyle and Wendy slowly step into the hallway with their hands up.

KYLE:  
Alright, Cartman. Here we are.

Cartman aims his gun at Kyle.

CARTMAN:  
And down you go!

When Cartman shoots, Kyle tries to move out of the way. Meanwhile, Wendy dives towards Cartman and slides across the floor, slamming into his legs and knocking him off balance and to the floor. The bullet skims across Kyle's back and hits the wall, embedding there. Kyle falls to the floor. After regaining his composure, Cartman tries to shoot Wendy, but she grabs his hand and causes the bullet to shoot off in a harmless direction. He kicks her arm, and she retaliates with a punch to a kidney. The two struggle with the gun. Wendy manages to crawl up on top of Cartman, the whole time, keeping the gun pointed away from her.

WENDY:  
[struggling] You've got one bullet left, fat ass!

Cartman manages to get the gun in her face.

CARTMAN:  
[struggling] What makes you so sure?

Wendy struggles a little harder and the gun points away from her.

WENDY:  
[struggling] I counted!

The gun moves from one side of Wendy's head to the other.

CARTMAN:  
[struggling] Who's to say I haven't reloaded, bitch?

Wendy manages to twist the gun around in Cartman's hand.

WENDY:  
I know you didn't!

There is a gunshot. After a moment, Wendy stands and looks down at Cartman, who had been shot in the chest. He struggles for breath.

CARTMAN:  
[barely audible] I...hate you... [pause] I...fuckin'...loathe you... [pause] All...I wanted...was...for the world…to be...free of Jews and povs...and hippies...and you...took...my dream...away from me...

Cartman struggles to breathe his last and finally does. Wendy sighs and closes her eyes. Kyle, helping Kenny, walks up behind her.

KYLE:  
It's over.

WENDY:  
Yes, but I feel...nothing.

KENNY:  
[pained] Nothing?

WENDY:  
Yes, nothing. I don't feel happy. I don't even feel sad. Just empty on the inside.

KYLE:  
Cartman may be dead, but it doesn't change a thing. Stan is still gone and you're still missing seven years of your life.

The camera switches to an overhead view to show them looking down on the remains of Cartman.

KYLE:  
Revenge is just an empty gesture.

The scene fades to black.

KYLE:  
[voice over] What do you gain from it? Nothing.

  
SCENE: South Park Cemetery  
Kyle and Wendy, in their normal attire, walk through the graveyard. The sun is shining and the sky is clear. A slight breeze blows through, causing Wendy's hair to blow behind her. The two stop at a familiar grave. Kyle puts his arm around Wendy's shoulder.

KYLE:  
Hey, Stan.

WENDY:  
Hi, Stan

KYLE:  
Well, I'm sorry w-we're a week late, but...

WENDY:  
You've been avenged.

KYLE:  
Y-yeah. Kenny couldn't make it do to his shoulder, but he sends his re-regards and wishes you well in Heaven.

The two stand silent for a moment. Tears start to flow from Wendy's eyes.

WENDY:  
Stan, I know you won't mind, but, Kyle- [losing composure] Kyle asked me to go to the prom with him.

Crying, Wendy looks down and to the side.

WENDY:  
[crying] It's...it's time I moved on... And I can't think of any better person to move on with. *holds back a sob* I know you'll understand...

Wendy buries her face into Kyle's shoulder. Tears, too, are falling from Kyle's eyes.

KYLE:  
We'll share everything with you, when we're knockin' on Heaven's door. We'll miss you, Stan.

They turn away, crying.

KYLE:  
[crying] Let's not forget him, Wendy. Not ever.

As they walk off, ten year old Stan materializes on his tombstone. No longer does he look haggard, but healthy and with white feathery angel wings. He smiles brightly.

STAN:  
I do understand, Wendy. And Kyle, please, take care of her for me. Take care of Wendy.

He flaps his wings and starts to fly up. The view switches to an aerial of the cemetery, just in time for a happy looking Stan to fly into the camera.

[End This Ain't No Payback Time]


	5. As Tears Go By

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heaven's Door Arc, Part 4.
> 
> Kyle is scared awake from a bad dream and tries to figure out if it was real...or just a dream...

SCENE: Kyle's house  
The stars twinkle in the night sky. That tranquility is broken by the sound of Kyle mumbling in his sleep.

KYLE:  
[off screen, muttering] We'll...share everything with you, when we're...knockin' on Heaven's door... We'll miss you, Stan...

A fuzzy vision of teenaged Wendy and Kyle crying in front of a grave flashes for a brief moment.

  
SCENE: Kyle's room  
Kyle is tossing and turning in his bed.

KYLE:  
[muttering] ...not...forget...Not...ever..

Kyle suddenly sits up, screaming Stan’s name in one continuous note.

MALE NARRATOR:  
I can't remember how long I sat there trying to recall just what in my dream had scared the living hell out of me.

Kyle stares ahead blankly, breathing heavily. Sweat pours down his face. His clothes look wet.

MALE NARRATOR:  
All I knew was that it had to do with my best friend in the world, Stan Marsh. Stan and I, we're like two peas in a pod. Where one is, you're bound to find the other. We're damn near freakin' inseparable. And something had happened to him. What if it hadn't been a dream? What if it was real? What if something had happened to him? Oh, god! There was no way I could handle that!

Kyle shakes his head vigorously.

MALE NARRATOR:  
Normally, my dreams don't phase me, but-

KYLE:  
[low] God damn! That was one hell of dream!

SHEILA:  
[off screen] Kyle? Bubalah, are you all right?

Kyle looks up, somewhat dazed. His mother, in her pajamas, is standing in the doorway. She looks very concerned.

MALE NARRATOR:  
I didn't really know what time it was, but it had to be early if my mother wasn't dressed. Damn, had I been yelling in my sleep?

Kyle looks speechless as he thinks.

MALE NARRATOR:  
I couldn't give her a reply, because I simply didn't know if I WAS all right.

Sheila crosses the room and sits down on the bed next to Kyle.

SHEILA:  
[concerned] Kyle? You were yelling in your sleep for your little friend Stan.

MALE NARRATOR:  
Well, that certainly answers one question. Now if only she could answer my many others.

Sheila hugs Kyle.

SHEILA:  
Did you have a bad dream?

Kyle looks up at his mother angrily.

MALE NARRATOR:  
Did I have a bad dream?! What the hell do you think was going on, you crazy woman? That I won the frickin' lottery?! I wanted to rage on her then and there.

Kyle's expression softens.

MALE NARRATOR:  
My thoughts however, stayed thoughts and I replied quite differently.

KYLE:  
I-I think so.

Sheila smiles, lovingly.

MALE NARRATOR:  
I knew what was coming next. She was the last person I wanted to discuss this with.

KYLE:  
Look, ma. I don't really remember anything.

MALE NARRATOR:  
Which wasn't that far from the truth...

KYLE:  
I just want to go back to sleep.

He yawns. Sheila eyes Kyle for a moment before she rises from the bed.

SHEILA:  
Alright, Kyle. We'll discuss it in the morning.

She leans down and kisses Kyle on his forehead.

SHEILA:  
Good night, bubby.

She walks out of the room and closes the door behind her. Kyle breathes a sigh of relief. He lays down on his side, and smashes his head into the pillow.

MALE NARRATOR:  
When I closed my eyes, I tried desperately not to think. Now, that was something easier wished than granted. Images and sounds flashed through mind faster than I could grasp them.

Kyle tosses and turns, with a look of frustration.

MALE NARRATOR:  
One thing, though, did stick out. Stan's ex-girlfriend, Wendy Testaburger, was quite prominent in my mind's automated unwinding. Don't misunderstand me. I'm not crushing over her. Yeah, she's kinda cute, but that's about where my compliments for her end. Quite frankly, I think she's the type of two-faced girl that will act nice to your face, and the moment you turn your back on her, you find yourself lying in a motel bath tub full of ice and missing a few internal organs. Like my mother, she's heavy into protesting fun stuff. Let's just take the fun out of life and just be miserable, guys! Ugh. Gag unto me with a spoon. And let's not forget what she did to Stan. Going behind his back with another guy. That's the lowest of all lows. The bitch.

Kyle sighs and, giving up, lays flat on his back.

MALE NARRATOR:  
Thanks a whole lot, Wendy, you purple plague. I can't sleep right now because of you. I hope you're happy. That was the gist of what was going on in my mind.

Kyle sighs again.

MALE NARRATOR:  
Well, I guess that Wendy can't be all that bad. I mean, Stan did rekindle their friendship after Token broke up with her, heh, for being a bitch of all things. If Stan can forgive, when he was the one hurt, I guess I should be able to as well.

Kyle rolls to his side and pulls the covers up closer to his face.

MALE NARRATOR:  
Speaking of Stan, all I wanted as I tried to sleep was to see if he was all right.

  
SCENE: Kyle's house  
The front door bursts open and Kyle runs out, coatless and hatless, having forgotten them in his haste. His shirt, now visible, is dark green and bears an image of Link, with the Master Sword, and the phrase "Don't make me go Zelda on your ass!" His shoulder length red hair, still wet from a shower, follows behind him as he runs through the yard and to the street. Sheila pokes her head out of the house.

SHEILA:  
[shouting] Kyle! Get back here! Do you want pneumonia?!

Kyle ignores her and keeps running.

MALE NARRATOR:  
I ran as fast as my legs could carry me. I just had to know if Stan was all right. My mind was telling me that he was. My gut, however...

  
SCENE: Stan's house  
Kyle runs up to the door and leans against it, breathing hard.

KYLE:  
[panting] Jesus! I think I'm getting fat like Cartman!

He knocks on the door. After a moment, Stan's mother, Sharon, opens the door. She looks surprised to see Kyle.

SHARON:  
Oh, hello, Kyle.

KYLE:  
[panting] Hi, Mrs. Marsh. Is Stan here?

Again, Sharon looks surprised.

SHARON:  
[slowly] You mean, you didn't know?

A look of fear crosses Kyle's face.

MALE NARRATOR:  
After Stan's mom had said those words, a simple image came sharply into my mind. It was a tombstone, surrounded by snow, bearing the epitaph, "Here lies Stan Marsh."

KYLE:  
[yelling] Oh, god! No!

Kyle runs away, screaming.

MALE NARRATOR:  
My biggest fears had been presented to me on a silver platter and shoved right down my throat.

Randy comes up behind Sharon. He looks out the door, confused.

RANDY:  
What was that all about?

SHARON:  
That was Stan's little friend, Kyle. He asked where Stanley was and then ran off screaming.

Randy shrugs and walks back into the house.

RANDY:  
[off screen] Well, you know how that kid acts around Christmas time.

SHARON:  
Oh, you're right, Randy.

She shuts the door.

  
SCENE: Outside the South Park Cemetery  
Kyle is walking to the front gate, breathing hard and holding his left side.

MALE NARRATOR:  
I don't know how the hell I managed, but I ran all the way from Stan's house to the cemetery. God, I still shudder when I think about the pain I felt. And I don't mean my side.

Kyle opens the gate and walks in. When inside, he looks around to catch his bearings.

KYLE:  
[frantic] Where is it? Where would they put him?

Kyle walks down an aisle of graves, looking at the names engraved on them.

MALE NARRATOR:  
Just imagine how you would feel, if your best friend had left this earth, forever, and no one had said anything to you, leaving only your gut feeling and your bond of friendship to lead to where he or she was buried...to rest...for all eternity...

Kyle nearly in tears, continues walking.

KYLE:  
[frantic] Why didn't anyone tell me? [looking towards the sky] Just show me where he is! Please!

He slumps his shoulders forward and hangs his head. Several aisles up beyond Kyle's left, a girl clothed in purple is kneeling in front of a grave. He slowly picks his head up when he hears her crying.

KYLE:  
Wendy?

He slowly weaves his way through the graveyard to approach the crying girl. His face looks as though he doesn't believe reality.

KYLE:  
[disbelieving] No. No. This is just a dream, right? I'm dreaming...right?

He stops walking a few paces behind Wendy and to the side. The tombstone reads, "Here lies Stan Marsh."

KYLE:  
[disbelieving] It can't be true.

Wendy looks up in surprise, her face red with tears. She jumps up, rushes to him, and envelopes him in a hug.

WENDY:  
[crying] Oh, Kyle! Why?! Why is he gone?!

Kyle is stiff with speechlessness for a moment before he consents and hugs her back.

KYLE:  
[crying] I don't know! I don't understand this! [shouting to the sky] I don't understand!

The two continue crying together as the scene fades out.

MALE NARRATOR:  
Now take the feeling that you imagined, and multiply that by one thousand. Got it? Now, write it down on a piece of paper. [pause] Whatever you have written down, barely scratches the surface of the emotional pain I felt there in the graveyard on that Christmas day.

[End As Tears Go By]


	6. A Toute Le Monde

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heaven's Door Arc, Final.
> 
> Just when Kyle and Wendy get a grip on reality, there's a knock at the door...

SCENE: Black Screen

FEMALE NARRATOR:  
When I found the grave, bearing Stan's name, my world shattered and I was left with only a few broken pieces. My life was now a puzzle I could not put back together. After our tearful meeting at the cemetery, I returned to my house, which was closer, dragging Kyle behind me.

SCENE: Wendy's house, living room  
Kyle, shivering and sitting on a chair, is wrapped in a blanket. His feet are resting in a tub of hot water. Drops of water fall from his hair occasionally.

FEMALE NARRATOR:  
I don't understand how the hell Kyle managed stay out in the cold for as long as he did. He had passed out, leaving me to tend to his health. But I was an emotional wreck.

Kyle sneezes.

FEMALE NARRATOR:  
My parents had gone to visit friends for the holiday. Their friends didn't have children, nor were there going to be any there. I had requested to stay home. So, out they went, leaving me the house for the day. They were unavailable. I was tempted to call Kyle's house, but when he came to, he said that would just get him in trouble. The responsibility fell on to my shoulders, but I didn't want or need it at this point in time. I was ready to pull my hair out and then some.

Kyle sneezes again.

KYLE:  
[congested] Wendy?

SCENE: Bathroom  
Wendy is standing on a stool to view herself in the mirror. Her eyes are puffy and red. The pink beret is nowhere to be seen.

WENDY:  
[trying to remain calm] Okay. Get a grip, girl. Stan may be gone...[breaking down]...but, Kyle needs help. [sniffs] And he can't get it if you're distraught.

FEMALE NARRATOR:  
I was doing everything in my power to remain sane, short of mind altering drugs. Maybe, talking to Kyle would help things a little.

KYLE:  
[congested, off screen] Wendy! [sneezes] Oh, god! It's all over!

She looks off screen.

WENDY:  
Coming!

KYLE:  
[congested, off screen] And bring a towel!

Wendy makes a disgusted face.

WENDY:  
Eww!

  
SCENE: Living room  
Kyle is now lying on the couch, covered by the same blanket from earlier. His hair curled as it dried, resulting in a slight afro. Wendy, sitting by his feet, gently shakes one of his legs.

WENDY:  
Are you awake?

KYLE:  
[congested] I think so.

WENDY:  
Kyle, I think we need to talk.

KYLE:  
[congested] I was thinking the same thing.

WENDY:  
What happened to Stan?

Kyle sneezes.

KYLE:  
[congested] Ugh. I was hoping you could tell me.

WENDY:  
[shocked] Y-you don't know?

Kyle begrudgingly sits up and surrounds himself with the blanket. He shakes his head.

KYLE:  
[congested] No. No one told me a damn thing.

WENDY:  
[downcast] Oh. So, if that's the case, then how did you-

KYLE:  
[congested] This may sound kinda weird, but I had a dream last night. Well, more like a nightmare.

WENDY:  
[eyes wide] Did you wake feeling like something bad had happened to Stan?

Kyle just looks back, eyes wide. The scene fades to black.

FEMALE NARRATOR:  
That morning, I had a similar experience to Kyle's. Waking up, drenched in sweat, screaming; that was my morning. While we couldn't remember our respectful dreams, several things were common. We both saw a vision of a tombstone and had suffered feelings of dread. And somehow, we both ended up at the cemetery at the same time. To this day, neither one of us can explain it. It defied all laws of reality.

  
SCENE: Wendy's house, living room  
Wendy is sitting on the couch by herself, small tears rolling down her cheeks. Indistinct TV noise is heard.

FEMALE NARRATOR:  
Kyle and I spent a better part of two hours together, talking about Stan, and how he had made a big impression on our lives. However, at that time, we didn't expect that the new reality would come crashing down upon us.

There is a knock at the door. Wendy, still with the half-crying expression, gets off the couch and walks to the door. A toilet flushes. When she opens it, her eyes get wide and she screams. Kyle, with the blanket still wrapped around his shoulders, bounds around the corner.

KYLE:  
[concerned] Wendy?! What is i-

Kyle stops dead in his tracks, eyes wide and mouth open. The blanket falls to the ground, forgotten.

KYLE:  
[shocked] No...fucking...way!

He takes a step back.

KYLE:  
[shocked] I-

The camera whirls around to reveal who is at the door. On the doorstep stands Stan, clutching Kyle's hat and coat, Cartman, and Kenny.

STAN:  
[irked] This is one hell of a way to greet someone.

CARTMAN:  
[to Kenny, low] Ohh... I smell a double-cross a brewin'.

For a moment, Kyle and Wendy just stare open mouthed at Stan, who gets more and more agitated with each passing moment. Wendy, however, is the first to react. She leaps forward at Stan and as she locks lips with him, a look of surprise can be seen on his face before he loses his balance and the two fall over backwards.

KENNY: (So much for a double cross, huh.)

CARTMAN:  
[disappointed] Stupid hippies always bring me up, only to let me fall.

KYLE:  
I don't fucking believe it.

CARTMAN:  
No, dude, it's so true. Every day, I feel great until I see you assholes.

KYLE:  
[irked] That's not what I meant, fat ass.

Meanwhile, on the door step, a crying Wendy is showering multiple kisses on a laughing Stan, while he is playfully trying to fend her off.

WENDY:  
[ecstatic] Oh, Stan! [kiss] I'm so glad [kiss] you're alive! [kiss]

STAN:  
[laughing] Alright! Alright!

WENDY:  
[ecstatic] I'm not ever [kiss] ever gonna [kiss] let you go!

FEMALE NARRATOR:  
Never before, had I felt so happy, no, beyond happy to hold the one boy I cared so deeply about in my arms, where I could keep him safe for as long as I breathed.

Wendy proves her point by hugging him tightly.

WENDY:  
[ecstatic] If we were older, I'd make love to you right here and right now!

STAN:  
[shocked] Wait! What?!

CARTMAN:  
[low] I'd be shocked, too, if some skanky ho like Wendy said something like that to me.

KENNY:  
(Actually, you'd be lucky if the skanky ho even looked at you, fat ass.)

CARTMAN:  
[irked, low] Drink my pee, you poor piece of crap. [to Kyle] So, Jew bag, where the hell were you this morning?

KYLE:  
[confused] What do you mean?

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] Duh, dip shit! Remember? We all agreed to meet at my house early this morning to play some god damn football!

KYLE:  
[confused] What?

Cartman, frustrated, brings a hand to his head.

CARTMAN:  
[frustrated] God dammit.

Stan and Wendy get up from the floor, with her still giving him a deadly hug.

STAN:  
[strained] Yeah, dude. When you didn't show, we went to your house and- Jesus, Wendy! I need to breathe a little! -and your mom told us that you ran out in a panic.

KENNY:  
(I thought you had a case of the Christmas jitters again.)

STAN:  
Yeah, so, we went out looking for you.

KYLE:  
Y-you did?

CARTMAN:  
Durr, Kyle! We spent all of our god damn morning looking for your stupid emotional ass! What the hell have you been doing anyway, besides playing house with the hippie bitch over there?

WENDY:  
I'm in a good mood right now, so I'll pretend I didn't hear that, Cartman.

Kyle sighs and looks downcast.

KYLE:  
Well, I guess I should tell you...

As Kyle speaks, the audio fades out.

FEMALE NARRATOR:  
And so, Kyle gave his embellished account of what happened. He left out a few things, like my dream and my reason for being at the cemetery. I played along with the charade, knowing that some things were better off unsaid. Stan and Kenny seemed to understand why Kyle had reacted the way he did. Cartman, however, didn't come around until I kicked his ass. Heh. Even though reality as we knew it was back to normal, even though Stan was now safely wrapped in my arms where he belonged, one thing still remained unanswered. Who was the other Stan Marsh?

  
SCENE: Stan's house  
The five kids walk up to the door and enter.

FEMALE NARRATOR:  
Knowing that nothing would be accomplished at my house, we sought out the only person we could think of who could possibly put this puzzle back together, Stan's father, Randy Marsh.

STAN:  
[off screen] Dad? Who's Stan Marsh?

  
SCENE: Stan's house, living room  
Randy, sitting on the couch, has a confused look on his face. The five kids are standing in front of him in a semi circle. Sounds of a football game are coming from the TV.

RANDY:  
Uh, you.

KYLE:  
[shaking his head] No. No. There's another Stan Marsh! I saw his grave at the graveyard!

RANDY:  
Is that why you freaking out this morning?

KYLE:  
[embarrassed] Kinda.

WENDY:  
So, who is he? A great uncle or something?

RANDY:  
Well, as far as I know, Stan's the first, at least since the Marshes have been here in South Park.

WENDY:  
[disappointed] Oh.

RANDY:  
Now, move along, kids. I'm tryin' to watch the Bronco-

There is a loud cheer from the TV. Randy jumps up, excited, and nearly crushes Kenny in the process.

RANDY:  
[excited] Yeah! Oh, YEAH! GO BRONCOS!

Stan shrugs and the kids walk off.

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] Well, looks like you're officially dead, Stan. One hippie down, umpteen billion more.

Cartman laughs.

FEMALE NARRATOR:  
So, that idea was a strike out. We sat around in Stan's room for awhile thinking of where else we could find that information.

  
SCENE: Stan's room  
Stan and Wendy are sitting on the edge of the bed, while Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman have taken the floor.

KYLE:  
What if your dad's wrong? Your grandpa would know, wouldn't he?

STAN:  
Well, Grandpa's been out of it the past couple of days because of his new medication, so, he'd be useless.

CARTMAN:  
What about the library?

KYLE:  
Dude, they're closed on Christmas Day.

CARTMAN:  
Oh, yeah.

WENDY:  
Hmm... I guess we'll have to wait a couple days to find out then.

The kids look a little bummed out. Stan suddenly stands up on his bed.

STAN:  
Hey! Why don't we go check out the cemetery?

KYLE:  
Why? I've already been there. Nothing out of the ordinary other than a big slab of rock with your name on it.

WENDY:  
Yeah.

Stan eyes Wendy for a moment.

STAN:  
Probably, but who knows? Maybe you missed something.

KYLE:  
Yeah, I was pretty screwed up this morning.

STAN:  
Then, let's go!

CARTMAN:  
But, I thought we were playing football today?

STAN:  
Dude, we'll play when we get back.

The scene fades out.

FEMALE NARRATOR:  
And so the five of us marched onward to the cemetery. The whole way there, my heart was racing. Was it real? Was it just a figment of our imagination? Kyle seemed just nervous as I was.

  
SCENE: South Park Cemetery  
Everyone is winding through the graveyard, looking for a particular grave. Kyle is in the lead.

KYLE:  
I know it was around here somewhere.

Wendy stops and points.

WENDY:  
There it is!

Everyone rushes over to the grave. Cartman, the last one to reach it is stuck behind everyone. He stands on his tip-toes to see.

KYLE:  
[confused] What the hell?

CARTMAN:  
What's it say? I can’t see over you assholes!

STAN:  
Dude, i-it's...

WENDY:  
It's blank.

Everyone moves to let Cartman see.

CARTMAN:  
[confused] Wha-? [pissed] What the hell kinda trick is this, Jew?

KYLE:  
But I saw it! It said, "Here Lies Stan Marsh!" It's true!

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] This was just a plot to ruin my day of football, wasn't it?!

WENDY:  
Everything's a plot against you, fat ass! I saw it, too! Kyle's not lying!

STAN:  
Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second. Okay. [pinches the bridge of his nose] Let's be rational here. It's blank and nothing's changing that.

KYLE:  
Yeah, but-

KENNY:  
(Maybe you care about Stan so much, that when, after your nightmare, you couldn't find him, and stumbled in here, you saw the blank tombstone and your fucked up mind filled in the rest.)

CARTMAN:  
Heh heh. I always knew that Kyle was gay.

KYLE:  
Shut your fat mouth, Cartman!

KENNY:  
(And, Wendy, the same principle applies to you. You heard Kyle's story, saw the tombstone, and...you know the rest.)

WENDY:  
Huh.

STAN:  
Wow. Good call, Kenny.

Kenny shrugs.

KENNY:  
(Thanks.)

WENDY:  
Guys, I think I learned something today.

STAN:  
What's that?

WENDY:  
A tout le monde, a tout les amis, Je vous aime.

KYLE:  
What did you say?

WENDY:  
It's French.

STAN:  
What's it mean?

WENDY:  
I think it means "To everyone, all my friends, I love you."

All the boys smile. Wendy walks off and waves her hand at them.

WENDY:  
Except for Cartman.

Stan, Kyle, and Kenny follow suit.

STAN:  
Yeah. Cartman sucks.

KYLE/KENNY: Yeah.

Cartman stands there, fuming.

CARTMAN:  
Fine! Screw you and your French bitch! I'll go home and play with myself!

He walks off in the opposite direction.

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] Heh heh. Play with myself. Heh. I can't believe I just said that.

Cartman laughs as the scene focuses on the unknown grave.

MALE NARRATOR:  
[voice over] And still, even to this day, seven years later, no one knows to whom the grave belongs.

FEMALE NARRATOR:  
[voice over] And every Christmas since then, we've made sure to visit "the other Stan Marsh."

The scene slowly fades out as teens Kyle, Stan, and Wendy walk up to the grave. Before everything goes completely black, Wendy takes Stan's hand and smiles.

[End A Tout Le Monde]


	7. Enter: The Naked Time Festival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exploding Cows Arc, Part 1.
> 
> Back in the third grade, the kids of South Park are forced to participate in a sick and twisted festival.

SCENE:The Mayor's office, Tuesday afternoon  
Mrs. Broflovski enters, looking pissed of.

MAYOR:  
Well, well, well. If it isn't South Park's leading activist, Sheila Broflovski. What's up your ass today?

SHEILA:  
There's nothing up my ass today. I'm just concerned that the children haven't been expressing themselves very well lately.

MAYOR:  
What do you want me to do?

ASSISTANT#2:  
I do believe it's the job of the mayor to see to her supporter's children's needs.

ASSISTANT#1:  
Are you sure you're not confusing "mayor" with "parents"?

Assistant #2 takes a calculator out of his pocket and hits a few keys.

ASSISTANT#2:  
I'm eighty-nine percent positive.

SHEILA:  
Perhaps if we had some kind of festival...

MAYOR:  
Hmm...

Assistant #1 starts laughing.

MAYOR:  
What is so god damn funny?

ASSISTANT#1:  
I was just thinking of a Dana Carvey special I saw on TV.

SHEILA:  
The one where he talked about his children always wanting to be naked?

ASSISTANT#1:  
Yeah, that one!

MAYOR:  
Jesus!

ASSISTANT#2:  
Mayor! That's an excellent idea!

MAYOR:  
[puzzled] What?

ASSISTANT#2:  
What could be a better way for children to express themselves?

ASSISTANT#1:  
Casual Friday?

ASSISTANT#2:  
No! They could show off the sizes of their rods and racks!

Everyone gives Assistant #2 puzzled looks.

MAYOR:  
What the fuck are you trying to tell us, nimrod?

SHEILA:  
Yes, please. Enlighten me.

ASSISTANT#1:  
[catching on] Yes, I think I get it. A "Naked Time Festival!" Only for children!

MAYOR:  
I don't know... With perverts like Garrison running around...

SHEILA:  
Oh! It sounds like a splendid idea! My little Kyle used to beg me to run around the house without his clothes!

ASSISTANT#2:  
This can also divert everyone's attention away from the recent case of exploding cows.

SHEILA:  
Exploding cows?

MAYOR:  
Then it's settled! Starting Thursday morning, all children between the ages of four to eighteen must discard all clothing for three days!

ASSISTANT#1:  
And then on Friday we can have a dance at Jenkins' barn!

MAYOR:  
Alrighty then! [points to Assistant # 2] You go ahead and make the necessary arrangements!

ASSISTANT#2:  
Hunh? Me?

MAYOR:  
Yes, you, you fucking asshole! Now get your ass in gear!

ASSISTANT#2:  
[while leaving] Copy that.

MAYOR:  
Mrs. Broflovski, I'd like you to make sure that all the children participate in this.

SHEILA:  
Very well, Mayor! I'll do anything to make the world a better place for children! But, could you fill me in on the exploding cows?

ASSISTANT#1:  
If we did, we'd have to kill you.

SHEILA:  
Oh. Well, you do know that it's the middle of January. Do the children have to be completely naked?

  
SCENE: South Park Elementary, Wednesday  
Mr. Garrison is at the front of the room writing "Naked Time Festival" on the board.

MR. GARRISON:  
Hokay, children... [points to the board] Do any of you know what this means?

Cartman raises his hand.

MR. GARRISON:  
Yes, Eric?

CARTMAN:  
Isn't it another name for sexual intercourse?

MR. GARRISON:  
Bzzz! Wrong! Tell him what he's won, Mr. Hat! [as Mr. Hat] You've won an all expenses paid trip to hell! You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!

CARTMAN:  
[muttering] Stupid puppet.

STAN:  
[whispers to Kyle] Since when could you win something for losing?

KYLE:  
[dryly] It's called a consolation prize.

MR. GARRISON:  
Are there any other volunteers?

There are none.

MR. GARRISON:  
Hmm... Obviously, none of you li'l bastards pay attention to the school announcements! But that's okay. Mr. Hat's gonna tell us all about it! Right, Mr. Hat? [as Mr. Hat] That's right, Mr. Garrison! Yesterday, the Mayor of South Park announced that starting tomorrow morning, all you children must wear only your underpants and participate in this new three day long festival. The Mayor feels that it will be a good way for you to express yourselves!

Wendy raises her hand.

MR. GARRISON:  
Yes, Wendy?

WENDY:  
Mr. Garrison, the very idea of this "festival" is obviously the work of some sick and twisted pervert, who only wants children in their undergarments so he can break out his camcorder to make some kind of voyeuristic soft core child porno!

CARTMAN:  
[rolls eyes] There goes Wendy bitchin' about something again.

WENDY:  
Up yours, Cartman!

MR. GARRISON:  
[chuckles, low] Oh, great idea. I'll have to go out and buy a- [normal] I'll have to agree with Eric on this one, Wendy. For one thing, this is not a porno. It's a festival. Now, there's a BIG difference between a porno which is totally stupid and stars hot naked chicks, and a festival, which has lots of food and is way more fun than a porno. [as Mr. Hat] And you call yourself an honor roll student! [mutters] Little bitch!

WENDY:  
[pissed] But what about all the pedophiles that will be eyeing our tiny fragile bodies?

CARTMAN:  
Oh, for god's sake! Who the hell cares?! There's gonna be lots of food, right?

MR. GARRISON:  
Unfortunately.

CARTMAN:  
Then I don't care about some stupid fidofile or whatever the hell it is!

MR. GARRISON:  
You would say that, porky.

CARTMAN:  
Hey!

MR. GARRISON:  
Okay, children, now I hope you have your pencils ready, because Mr. Hat's gonna give a pop quiz over yesterday's lecture about exploding cows.

CLASS:  
*groans*

  
SCENE: Bus stop  
The boys are hanging out.

STAN:  
Dude, I'll bet this festival is gonna suck just like all the others we've had.

CARTMAN:  
I dunno, dude. Lotsa food! How can you go wrong with that?

KENNY:  
(Yeah! And let's not forget the high school girls in their underwear!)

STAN:  
The what?

CARTMAN:  
Yeah! Just think about how many high school girls there are in this piece of shit town!

KYLE:  
Ten?

STAN:  
What do you mean, dude?

CARTMAN:  
Think about it, you guys. Chick without clothes! Think about that!

The boys think for a second.

STAN:  
No. I'm not getting anything.

KYLE:  
I don't quite get it either, fat boy.

CARTMAN:  
Jesus! Are you guys stupid?!

KENNY:  
(Think about Wendy and her hot ass, you boobs!)

Little hearts float around Stan's head as a big dopey grin spreads across his face.

KYLE:  
I still don't get it.

CARTMAN:  
[rolls eyes, mutters] You coulda picked a better example, Kenny.

Cartman places a hand on Kyle's shoulder.

CARTMAN:  
I pity you, Kyle. I really do.

KYLE:  
No, you don't! Now tell me what the hell you guys are blabbing about!

Kyle looks angrily at Cartman's hand on his shoulder.

KYLE:  
And get your fat sweaty hand off my shoulder!

CARTMAN:  
My! My! Touchy today aren't we? [removes hand from Kyle's shoulder] I'm afraid that a Jew like you wouldn't understand.

KYLE:  
[annoyed] Understand what?

CARTMAN:  
Why, the basic principals of a partially naked girl, of course!

KYLE:  
WHAT?!

STAN:  
Dude, as much as I hate to admit it, I think Cartman may be right.

KYLE:  
Dude! How the hell is Cartman right?!

STAN:  
They did a report on SNN about Jews and their ina-bil-ity to grasp the naked female ana-atnatophy.

KYLE:  
But...

CARTMAN:  
See? Jewish people can't think of naked girls!

KENNY:  
[Kyle could be gay.]

CARTMAN:  
[laughs] Too true, Kenny!

KYLE:  
Shut up, Cartman! I'm not gay!

CARTMAN:  
Put up or shut up!

KYLE:  
Fine!

STAN:  
Okay, let's have a little test, Kyle.

KENNY:  
(Jenna Jameson.)

KYLE:  
Who's that?

Kenny merely shakes his head sadly.

STAN:  
What about Jennifer Anniston?

KYLE:  
She was in a couple of movies, right?

CARTMAN:  
[laughs] Give up, Stan. You'll be here all day with Faggy Boy Jew!

Cartman walks away laughing.

KYLE:  
[shouting] For the last time, jiggle master! I'm not gay!

  
SCENE: Stan's house  
Stan walks up to the house and enters.

SCENE: Stan's living room  
Stan walks in the room, where he finds his mom and dad on the couch, watching TV.

RANDY:  
Oh, hey, Stanley!

STAN:  
[downcast] Hey...

SHARON:  
Why the long face, Stanley?

STAN:  
It's this festival thingy. I don't really wanna go around town in my underpants.

Randy gets a faraway look on his face.

RANDY:  
[mainly to himself] Think of all the high school girls there are in this piece of shit town...

Sharon slaps her husband.

RANDY:  
Ow! What the hell was that for?!

SHARON:  
Randy! Don't encourage him!

STAN:  
[puzzled] Encourage me to do what?

  
SCENE: TV, Channel 4 news  
Newscaster Tom is seen with a caption that says, "Naked Time Festival."

TOM:  
Today's top story involves a new hair-brained scheme from the Mayor. This new three day long "festival" includes lots of partially naked children, barn dances, and food. Many question the moral of this. I, for one, am not against it. [mutters] Think of all the high school girls in this piece of *Bleep* town... [normal] Anyway, in other news, five cows were found dead at the South Park Ranch. Local authorities say the cause of death was internal explosion. We'll have more on that story during our ten o'clock segment.

SCENE: Bus stop, Thursday morning  
Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are standing in waist deep snow, in their underwear of course.

CARTMAN:  
Damn, man! I think I'm freezing my balls off!

STAN:  
Good! Then we don't have to worry about you spawning any fat bloated children!

CARTMAN:  
What?! Well, I'd just as soon not have any mini Stans running around and fucking gay homosexual dogs and "little miss prissy save the whales smarty pants!"

STAN:  
Leave Wendy out of this, fat ass!

CARTMAN:  
Ohh ho! It would seem that I've hit a weak point, eh, Kenny?

Kenny shrugs.

STAN:  
Shut up, Cartman!

Kyle walks up.

STAN:  
Hey, dude.

CARTMAN:  
Oh, hello, Mr. I've-Got-A-Small-Penis!

KYLE:  
Fuck you, Cartman!

CARTMAN:  
Jesus Christ! All I said was hello, and look what he says to me! Pull that god damn monkey outta yer ass!

STAN:  
[rolls eyes] Here we go...

KYLE:  
I've got a monkey up my ass?

CARTMAN:  
That's what I fucking said, god dammit! What, are you deaf?

KYLE:  
[eyes closed] Cartman.

CARTMAN:  
Yes?

KYLE:  
When was the last time you had a physical?

CARTMAN:  
Hmm... I dunno... Last year when I signed up for football, I think.

KYLE:  
Oh. Did they happen to find a dead elephant in your ass?

Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.

CARTMAN:  
Drink my pee, you pee drinkin' Jew!

There is a silence.

STAN:  
Dude, Cartman's right!

CARTMAN:  
What was Cartman right about?

STAN:  
[pointing at Kyle] You do have a small wee-wee! Look at how much bigger mine is compared to yours!

Stan, Kenny, and Cartman laugh.

KYLE:  
You shouldn't be laughing, Cartman! Mine's twice the size of yours!

The boys stop laughing. Cartman looks down to make a comparison.

CARTMAN:  
Sonova- Hey! It's not my fault that he's hiding right now!

STAN:  
[rolls eyes, mutters] Retard.

KYLE:  
Hey. You guys hear about those dead cows?

STAN:  
Yeah, dude. The cops think someone shoved pipe bombs up their asses.

KENNY:  
What kind of sick fuck would do that?

The boys look at Cartman. The scene changes to a cow pasture, where Cartman, decked out in black ninja clothes, backflips to a cow, and shoves a bomb in its ass. Cartman pulls out a smoke bomb and disappears. The cow explodes, allowing the scene to return to normal.

CARTMAN:  
What the hell're you lookin' at me for?

STAN:  
We're trying to picture you shoving pipe bombs up cows' asses.

CARTMAN:  
What?! Why?

KYLE:  
'Cause, fat ass! If we CAN picture you doing it, we'll turn you into the cops and get a big ass reward for your big ass!

CARTMAN:  
You guys are sick and perverted! Get the hell away from me!

There is a moment of silence.

CARTMAN:  
An' I'm not fat, god dammit!

  
SCENE: School - Hallway  
The boys are walking to class.

KYLE:  
Dude, I wonder if Rebecca came to school today.

STAN:  
Dude, she never misses school.

CARTMAN:  
She'll probably take one look and laugh her ass off!

KYLE:  
Personally, I think you should shut your fat fucking mouth, Cartman, 'cause mine's bigger than yours!

CARTMAN:  
I've told you already. He's hiding! Just you wait until he gets excited!

STAN:  
Then what?

KENNY:  
He runs in and out of Cartman's ass.

All but Cartman laugh.

CARTMAN:  
Shut up, Kenny! There’s nothing going in and out of my ass!

  
SCENE: Classroom  
All the kids, like the four boys, are clad only in their underwear. The boys are trying hard not to look at the girls and vice-versa.

CLYDE:  
This isn't quite as bad as I thought...

Cartman looks angrily at Craig.

CARTMAN:  
God dammit, Craig! Stop starin' at me! Yer givin' me the willies!

Craig flips him off.

KYLE:  
[to Cartman] What the hell is wrong with you?

CARTMAN:  
[whispers] Craig's staring at me, Kyle...

KYLE:  
Tell him to stop.

CARTMAN:  
[frantic whispering] I did! He's still staring!

KYLE:  
[impassive] I don't know what to tell you.

CARTMAN:  
[pleading] Kyle, please, help me.

KYLE:  
No.

CARTMAN:  
Puh-lease?

Kyle stares at Cartman.

KYLE:  
[annoyed] Okay! Okay! Just hit him in the balls with your science book! That's all it's good for anyway!

Cartman searches his desk as the scene shifts to Stan and Wendy.

WENDY:  
Hi, Stan!

STAN:  
[pukes on desk] Uh, hi...

Stan looks at Wendy briefly then looks away.

WENDY:  
[puzzled] What's the matter, Stan?

STAN:  
Uh, um... I- What I mean is...

KENNY:  
Hey, Stan! This is what you could call "rising to the situation." Right?

STAN:  
Shit!

Stan covers himself with a book and looks about nervously. Wendy looks down at the book and then back up. A sly, sexy look covers her face.

WENDY:  
[seductively] Are you doing anything after school today, Stan?

STAN:  
[nervously] Uh, no, not really... Maybe I'll, er, I'll- Oh, sweet Jesus...

Kenny falls to the floor laughing. The scene shifts to Kyle, who has just gotten the courage to walk up to Rebecca Cotswald.

KYLE:  
Uh, hi...Rebecca.

REBECCA:  
Hello, Kyle. Are you enjoying this festival?

Rebecca's eyes travel downwards and stay there while she taps her hands together and bites her bottom lip.

KYLE:  
[looking away] No, actually, I think it sucks. But, um, wha- [confused] What are you looking at?

REBECCA:  
I am sorry.

KYLE:  
Sorry? Sorry for what?

Rebecca indicates to Kyle that he should look down.

KYLE:  
[looking down] Rebecca? What am I looking at?

REBECCA:  
I am sorry.

KYLE:  
And again I ask, "Sorry for what?" I don't see anything.

REBECCA:  
[nervously] Exactly. Upon seeing this, my parental units will make me choose a new potential mate.

KYLE:  
[shocked] Wha-what?

REBECCA:  
I must obey them at all times.

KYLE:  
[throws arms up] Oh, for Christ's sake!

Meanwhile, back with Stan and Wendy... Wendy is kneeling on her chair and leaning over to be inches away from Stan's face. Stan looks like he's ready to pass out.

WENDY:  
[seductively] Stan, my parents won't get home until late this evening. Would you like to come over...for a... [licks lips] ...candle lit...dinner?

She sits back down in her seat, winks, and blows a kiss. Stan goes limp and slouches in his seat.

STAN:  
[weakly] Oh, god...

Suddenly, he leaps from his seat and tackles Wendy to the floor. The scene now focuses on Cartman, Kenny, and Kyle, who is just returning to his seat.

WENDY:  
[off screen, screaming] Oh, god, yes! Stan! Oh, yes! YES!!!

CARTMAN:  
[rolls eyes] This is why we need to keep hippie bitches in cages, dammit.

KYLE:  
[cheering] Hump her like Cartman would a Thanksgiving turkey!

CARTMAN:  
[cheering] Yeah! [pissed] Hey, wait a minute!

WENDY:  
[off screen] Are you going to come, Stan?

Kenny laughs.

STAN:  
[off screen] Come where?

WENDY:  
[off screen] Stan? Hello? Are you even listening to me?

The scene suddenly shows Stan slouched in his seat, eyes half closed and a big smile on his face.

WENDY:  
[confused] Stan?

CARTMAN:  
God dammit, Craig! Stop starin' at me before I shove my science book up yer ass!

Craig looks around, confused. He, then, flips Cartman off.

CLYDE:  
Ouch...

PIP:  
Oh! That sounds like jolly good fun!

Mr. Garrison enters the room.

MR. GARRISON:  
Hokay, children, I'd like to thank you all for- [pause] Uh, Stanley, why the hell do you look like you're having some kind of sexual fantasy? Stanley?

Stan awakens from his trance and looks around, dazed.

STAN:  
Hunh?

MR. GARRISON:  
I asked why the hell you looked like you were having a sexual fantasy.

STAN:  
Uh, I dunno...

MR. GARRISON:  
Uh huh. And then explain to me why you have a book covering Mr. Wiggle-Daddy.

STAN:  
Uh, my mom always says that my dad thinks with his...Wiggle-Daddy... So, I'm guessing that it, that it, uh, runs in the family...?

MR. GARRISON:  
I see... Stan, has anything happened to have risen to the occasion recently?

Kenny falls out of his seat, laughing. Stan looks around nervously.

MR. GARRISON:  
No? Well, that's good. Now, if any of you children have a question about anything, just RAISE your hands.

Stan raises his hand.

MR. GARRISON:  
Dammit, Stan! Can't you see that I'm enjoying myself right now?

STAN:  
Yeah, but I want to know why you're making fun of me.

MR. GARRISON:  
Hmm... That's a very good question. Mr. Hat? What are your comments? [as Mr. Hat] Well, Stanley, it's very obvious that you want to take a little girl from this classroom and stuff her like a god damn thanksgiving turkey! [muttering, as Mr. Garrison] Hot damn! Lord knows that I've found a few in here! Like how me and... [normally, as Mr. Hat] Now, you will tell me who that person is, before I do terrible things to...the entire class!

CLASS:  
*Gasp*

TWEEK:  
Jesus, man! You'd better tell him! Ah! I don't think I can take that kind of pressure! Auuuggghhh!

STAN:  
No way, dude!

Everyone looks at Stan.

MR. GARRISON:  
Well, we had a feeling that you wouldn't cooperate, Stanley. Now because of you, the entire class has to write a report on "Why Masturbating with a Life Sized Jar-Jar Binks Doll Is Okay!"

CLASS:  
*Groans*

CARTMAN:  
Thanks, Stan. You pussy.

  
SCENE: Kyle's house  
Gerald Broflovski exits the house with a sly smile on his face. He shiftily looks side to side as he pulls out a child's walkie-talkie.

GERALD:  
[low] Kgggt! Lawyer Boy Jew to Geo-man! Come in Geo-man! Kgggt!

RANDY:  
[walkie-talkie] This is Geo-man. Go ahead Lawyer Boy Jew.

GERALD:  
[low] Kgggt! Randy, are you in position? Kgggt!

RANDY:  
Gerry, why're you making that noise?

GERALD:  
[low] What you mean that kgggt noise?

RANDY:  
Yeah. What the hell's the point?

GERALD:  
[low] It doesn't matter! Are you in position?

RANDY:  
Yeah. The high school girls are getting ready for [dramatic pause] cheerleading practice.

GERALD:  
[low] I'll be there in ten minutes.

SHEILA:  
[off screen] Gerald, who are you talking to?

GERALD:  
[innocently] Uh, no one, honey.

SHEILA:  
[off screen] Oh. Well, are you going somewhere?

GERALD:  
Uh, yeah. I'm... I'm going to the hardware store. Yeah, the hardware store.

Gerald runs off, chanting "Cheerleaders!" over and over.

  
SCENE: Cafeteria  
All the boys are in line. Cartman is hugging himself to keep warm.

CARTMAN:  
God damn, I'm cold!

KYLE:  
Cartman, if I were you, I'd go home, get my clothes, and stuff my fat ass.

CARTMAN:  
I'm not fat! I'm big boned!

KYLE:  
There's enough ass on you to feed all of fucking Ethernopia for three years!

Cartman whistles and makes a jerk-off gesture. Kyle gives him a questioning look, while Kenny laughs.

KENNY:  
Cartman masturbates!

KYLE:  
Master Bates? Hey, isn't he that dude that runs the Karate dojo across from the high school?

STAN:  
No, dude. I think his name is Wang.

CARTMAN:  
[laughing] Yeah, he's a wang! Ha ha!

The three kids give Cartman puzzled looks.

CARTMAN:  
[nervously] Y'know, a wang? Y'know? Seriously?

They break out laughing.

CARTMAN:  
Ah, screw you guys...

STAN:  
Hey, when you guys see Wendy coming, let me know.

CARTMAN:  
Why? So you can puke on her?

STAN:  
No! So I can get the hell outta here!

Wendy, Bebe, and a few of the other girls walk up.

WENDY:  
Hi, Stan!

Stan pukes and after a moment, screams.

KYLE:  
Wendy's here, dude.

Stan rushes to hide behind Kyle.

STAN:  
You were supposed to tell me before she got here, dumb ass!

KYLE:  
[moving forward] Dude! What the hell are you doing?!

STAN:  
[cowering] Ahh!

CARTMAN:  
Dammit, Stan! Stop bein' afraid of every god damn thing like Tweek-

Cut to Tweek shaking nervously.

TWEEK:  
Ah!

Cut back to Cartman talking.

CARTMAN:  
-and be a man and-

Stan runs into the kitchen, screaming.

CARTMAN:  
[disappointed] -run into the kitchen, screaming, like a scared ass faggot pussy.

All the kids look at each other, puzzled.

WENDY:  
Did I miss something?

CARTMAN:  
I know what I'm missing. An' I'm not getting it standing out here lookin' at you assholes. Screw you guys, I'm gettin' my lunch.

Cartman vacates into the kitchen. Everyone looks at Kyle.

KYLE:  
[nervous] Um... I-I'm gonna get my lunch now... Uh, see ya.

Kyle hurriedly follows Cartman's example.

WENDY:  
Kenny?

KENNY:  
[shrugs] I think Stan might need to rub one off before he'll be reasonable again. Especially after your little show this morning. Now, if you'll excuse me, ladies...

Kenny bows and walks off. A few of the no name girls giggle.

WENDY:  
[confused] Rub one off?

GIRL#1:  
Don't worry, Wendy. I'm sure it's just a big misunderstanding.

BEBE:  
Wow! Did you see Kyle's hot ass!?

All of the girls stare at Bebe.

WENDY:  
[pauses] Oh, shut up, Bebe! You're too obsessive!

BEBE:  
[mutters] Like you should be talking... Rocket-girl.

WENDY:  
Hmmph. I'll pretend I didn't hear that. Besides, word on the playground is that Kyle likes that Cotswald girl.

BEBE:  
I know, but she's just a stupid little home school girl. I think I can take her on.

WENDY:  
Aren't you dating Clyde?

The girls walk off.

BEBE:  
[off screen] Was, girlfriend. Was dating Clyde.

GIRL#2:  
[off screen] Hey, Bebe. Did you see how much smaller Kyle's package was compared to Kenny's?

WENDY:  
[off screen] Perverts.

  
SCENE: Kitchen

CHEF:  
Hello, there, children!

BOYS:  
Hey, Chef!

CHEF:  
How're my little crackers today?

STAN:  
Some of us have problems today, Chef!

KYLE:  
Yeah! Major problems!

CARTMAN:  
Hey, Chef! You know what? You know what, Chef? Mr. Garrison thinks that Stan wants to stuff a little girl like a Thanksgiving turkey!

STAN:  
Yeah, well, you can shove that turkey down your throat!

CHEF:  
Children, you have to remember that Mr. Garrison is a sick demented pervert who gets off on saying strange things about people.

BOYS:  
Oh.

STAN:  
Well, I am having girl trouble, Chef.

CHEF:  
What kind of trouble?

STAN:  
Well, I... Uh, Wendy asked me over to her house for dinner...but I don't know what to do.

CARTMAN:  
[low] Heh. That kid is so gay.

CHEF:  
Well, children, it's like this: eat her food and give her some b.s. like it was the best you'd ever had.

STAN:  
'Kay..

CHEF:  
Then, watch a romantic movie and give her a few screwdrivers to get her good and sloshed. After that, I'm gonna put this bluntly, children. Screw her hard!

STAN:  
Wow! Thanks, Chef!

CHEF:  
Any time, children.

Stan, Cartman, and Kenny grab lunches and exit.

CHEF:  
What's your problem, Kyle?

KYLE:  
I think I lost my chance with the girl I like.

CHEF:  
And why's that?

Kyle looks down. Chef looks down as well. He nearly jumps.

CHEF:  
Whoa! I understand. I feel sorry for you, son.

KYLE:  
Is there any way to change it?

CHEF:  
Everybody's different, Kyle.

Kyle gets a downcast look.

CHEF:  
Although I do have something you can use...

KYLE:  
Really?

CHEF:  
But, you'll have to wait until you're older, children.

KYLE:  
Dammit!

As Kyle walks off, Principal Victoria peeks around the corner.

PRICIPAL VICTORIA:  
Chef? Did I just hear you tell some boys to screw young girls?

CHEF:  
Aw! Damn! Damn! Damn! The children got me busted again!

  
SCENE: Playground

KYLE:  
So, what is it you gotta get, again?

STAN:  
[reading a sheet of paper] Um, I need to go to the hardware store to get a few screwdrivers and a box of screws. Then, I need to find a romantic movie. [looks up] Any ideas?

KENNY:  
I can get you one!

STAN:  
Really? What is it?

KENNY:  
Rambone!

STAN:  
Hey, isn't it that movie with Sylvester Stallone?

Kenny shrugs.

CARTMAN:  
No! No! No! It was that cool musical with John Travolta and Elton John!

KYLE:  
That was "Alaskan Bacon", you fucking fat ass! And it starred John Candy!

CARTMAN:  
Kyle, you ass munching sonova bitch Jew! I'm gonna kick you right squarh in the nuts!

KYLE:  
Careful, Cartman! I might go get Craig!

STAN:  
What's Craig gonna do?

CARTMAN:  
What!? You...you wouldn't...

KYLE:  
Try me!

STAN:  
You are such a dumb ass, Cartman. [leaving] Come on, Kyle! Let's go check out the scenery!

KYLE:  
[leaving] Dude, we've seen the playground millions of times!

STAN:  
[off screen] No, dude! The other scenery!

KYLE:  
[off screen] You lost me.

CARTMAN:  
Oh, man... He's gonna do it! Kenny! You gotta hide me!

KENNY:  
Me?

CARTMAN:  
No, Kenny! My dick! Yes, you!

KENNY:  
I don't know of any places you'd fit!

CARTMAN:  
God, I hate you, Kenny.

Elsewhere....

STAN:  
Say, Kyle? Can you go tell Wendy that I'll be at her house at five thirty?

KYLE:  
Why the fuck can't you do it?

STAN:  
Well, you know...

KYLE:  
Alright, alright... But after I do something...

STAN:  
What?

KYLE:  
Hey, Craig!

CRAIG:  
[turns around] What? [flips off Kyle]

KYLE:  
Cartman was calling you a fucking gay-wad pansy during lunch!

CRAIG:  
[pissed] He was?

KYLE:  
[points off screen] Yeah, he's over there!

CRAIG:  
[pissed, flipping them off as he's leaving] I'll show him who's a fucking gay-wad pansy!

STAN:  
What the hell was that all about?

KYLE:  
Cartman's convinced that Craig's got a "thing" for him.

STAN:  
Well, he does now.

They laugh. Elsewhere, Cartman and Kenny are wandering around looking for a place to hide.

CARTMAN:  
Find anything yet, Kenny?

KENNY:  
No.

CARTMAN:  
*groan* I fucking hate you, Kenny.

Craig comes up behind Cartman and just stands there, fuming. Kenny looks at Craig flipping him off, then Cartman, and then Craig again.

CARTMAN:  
What the hell is your problem?

KENNY:  
I'm gonna go check out the chicks...

Kenny runs away.

CARTMAN:  
Ay! Get back here ya fuckin' gay-wad pansy! Respect my authoritah!

Cartman just stands there looking pissed off. He then turns around.

CARTMAN:  
Ah! Craig! What the hell are you doing!?

There is a silence as both stare at each other.

CARTMAN:  
Hey! I asked you a god damn question!

There is another silence. Cartman starts to get even more pissed off.

CARTMAN:  
Will you stop staring at me like that!?

Craig takes a step forward. Cartman gets scared and takes a step back.

CARTMAN:  
[pointing, hysterical] Oh my God! Look at that!

CRAIG:  
[turns around] What? What is it?

Cartman takes off running and screams. Craig turns around and flips the bird.

CRAIG:  
[pissed] I'm gonna kick your ass, fat tits!

[End Enter: The Naked Time Festival]


	8. The Great Escape Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exploding Cows Arc, Part 2.
> 
> The sick and twisted festival continues! After an evening with Wendy, Stan gives Kyle something for his "small" problem, causing him to act horribly out of character.

SCENE: Wendy's house - Thursday night  
Stan, fully clothed, walks up to the front door. In his hand is a wrapped box with a pink ribbon. He hesitantly knocks. The door opens to reveal Wendy, not fully clothed, but with a towel wrapped around her body and head.

WENDY:  
[shocked] Oh! Oh, my god! Um- [composed] Hi, Stan!

STAN:  
[pukes] Uh, hi... [quickly looks away, face reddens]

Wendy's expression is that of puzzlement. She looks down at herself and blushes as well.

WENDY:  
[excited] Oh! I'll be back in a second!

Wendy runs off as Stan enters and looks about. He clutches his chest.

STAN:  
[low] Be still my heart...

WENDY:  
[off screen] What did you say, Stan?

Wendy enters the scene wearing a tasteful glittery purple gown.

STAN:  
[startled] Gah! Jesus! You scared the hell outta me! [turns and notices the dress] Holy- [bug-eyed and drooling] Gahhhh...

Wendy giggles and twirls around.

WENDY:  
Do you like my new dress, Stan?

Stan, still bug-eyed, nods stupidly and causes some spittle to fall to the floor. Wendy starts to get agitated.

WENDY:  
[annoyed] Stan! STAN!

Wendy pulls a metal baseball bat out of thin air.

WENDY:  
Don't make me hit you, jack ass!

STAN:  
[snapping back to reality] Who-? Where'd I go just now?

The baseball bat disappears into thin air.

WENDY:  
[cutely] Don't worry about it. [pointing at the box] Is that for me, Stan?

STAN:  
[still out of touch] Uh, yeah... I think...

Wendy, barely able to contain herself, tears the gift from Stan's hand, and rips the wrapping and the ribbon off. She opens the box and suddenly frowns. She turns it upside down and a screwdriver and a few screws fall to the floor.

WENDY:  
[uncomprehending] I-is this supposed to be a joke, Stan?

STAN:  
[puzzled] No. I asked Chef for some advice and he told me to give you a screwdriver and to screw you. I think I did what he said, but I still don't really get it.

WENDY:  
[calmly] Oh. Excuse me.

Wendy calmly exits the room. After a moment, a door slams shut.

WENDY:  
[off screen, muffled, hysterically] What kind of sexy DUMBASS are YOU?! GodDAMMIT!!! JUST FUCK ME!!! FUCK ME 'TIL I CAN'T WALK!!! GAHHH!!!

Stan gives a confused look in the direction that Wendy had left.

  
SCENE: Outside Wendy's living room window  
Cartman is outside the house looking in, watching the afore mentioned events. He also happens to be dressed in his cowboy getup. In his hand, is a mini tape recorder.

CARTMAN:  
Hmm... So, it would seem that the Evil Marsh is going to perform a breaking and entering of sorts! That greasy sonova bitch needs his god damned ass kicked! But, we should probably get this tape to the proper authorities. What do you think, Atertemis Clyde Frog?

Cartman makes his stuffed frog, also dressed in cowboy getup, hop up on the window sill.

CARTMAN:  
[as Clyde Frog] Eh. I say we hang that sonova bitch by his balls around that tree about nya! [normal] Then I'm gonna cap his ass!

  
SCENE: Wendy's living room  
Stan and Wendy are sitting close together in the middle of the couch. Random dialogue is coming from the TV.

STAN:  
Man, there sure are a lot of wussy people in this movie!

WENDY:  
But, Stan! This is supposed to be a romantic movie!

STAN:  
Romantic? Dude, how can wussy people goin' on about wussy crap be considered romantic?

WENDY:  
[seductively] Oh, I don't know...

Wendy gets on Stan's lap and straddles him.

WENDY:  
[low] Maybe like this...

She licks her hand, shoves it inside her jacket, and rubs a certain area of her chest.

STAN:  
[eyes wide in shock] Dude!

WENDY:  
[eyes half closed] Kiss me, Stan...

Stan gets a lovey-dovey look on his face as Wendy's gets closer to his. Just when they're about to kiss, she mutates into a giant demon from hell.

WENDY:  
[demonic] I want to eat your pee-pee, Stan!!!

  
SCENE: Outside Wendy's house  
We hear the muffled sound of Stan screaming seconds before the front door flies open and he runs out. Cartman, still hiding in the bushes underneath the window, peeks out to see what the commotion is.

SCENE: Wendy's living room  
Wendy is sitting on the couch, quite confused.

WENDY:  
What the hell just happened?

  
SCENE: Down the street  
Stan is running down the street, screaming his ass off. After a beat, he stops to catch his breath.

STAN:  
Holy crap! That was scary!

CARTMAN:  
[faint, off screen] Hey, Stan!

STAN:  
[turning around] What? Cartman?

Cartman catches up to Stan, and stops, breathing heavily.

STAN:  
What the hell are you doing here? You live on the other side of town!

CARTMAN:  
[still breathing heavily] God...dammit! Give...me...a second!

STAN:  
You were watching, weren't you? God, that's low.

CARTMAN:  
Actually, I came to tell you something.

STAN:  
[unbelieving] Oh, yeah? What?

Cartman backs up a few steps from Stan.

CARTMAN:  
Evil Marsh, this is our first and final battle!

STAN:  
What the hell are you talking about, fat ass?

Cartman leaps into the air, performs a triple flip, and pulls out his pop guns as he lands in front of Stan.

CARTMAN:  
Draw, you greasy sonova bitch!

Stan shakes his head sadly, then kicks Cartman in the balls. Cartman screams, and grabs his crotch as he falls to the ground.

CARTMAN:  
[pained] May you rot in hell, you god damned bastard!

STAN:  
Bite me, lard-o!

WENDY:  
[off screen] What the hell is going on?

Stan looks up to see Wendy and promptly runs away screaming.

CARTMAN:  
[getting up] Oh, god damn! That hurt like a bitch in heat, Atertemis Clyde Frog!

WENDY:  
Thanks a lot, fat ass!

CARTMAN:  
[turning around] What I do?

Wendy runs up to Cartman and kicks him in the balls. The fat boy screams and falls to the ground...again.

WENDY:  
[walking away] Don't come between me and Stan again, fat ass!

CARTMAN:  
[pained] Atertemis Clyde Frog... Eh... Go get me...a...Happy Burger...to...soothe my pain... [coughs up blood] Oh, god...

  
SCENE: TV, Channel 4 News

TOM:  
-to which Miss Fisher replied, "*Bleep* Star Wars and *Bleep* George Lucas!" 

A video insert of a thermometer covered in ice appears next to him.

TOM:  
Because an all new record low temperature is expected to be reached today, the mayor of South Park is recommending to all parents to send your darling children to school with warm clothes. When asked why she decided to have the "Naked Time Festival" this time of year, the mayor simply replied, "Shut up, you *Bleep*ing asshole."

The video insert changes to an image of an inside-out cow.

TOM:  
Earlier this morning, three more cows were found blown apart from the inside at the South Park Ranch. Police are still baffled as to the cause. Now, national news. In a recent study on the effects of Spanish Fly on children-

  
SCENE: Bus stop, Friday morning  
Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are shivering in the cold, fully clothed, and ready to start day two.

KYLE:  
God, this sucks. Why the hell did they have to come up with this idea now instead of the summer? Jesus. It's gotta be twenty below.

STAN:  
I know, dude, but at least they realized that we need wear our clothes outside. Besides, bitching about it won't help.

KENNY:  
(It always does for his fucking mom.)

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] Yeah, but his mom's a bitch.

KYLE:  
[shouting] God DAMMIT, CARTMAN! CALL MY MOM THAT ONE MORE TIME AND- [shocked] Jesus, Cartman! What the hell happened to you?

Cartman walks up with a limp and stands next to Kenny. He has a very large bulge in his pants.

CARTMAN:  
Well, I've gotta keep an ice pack in my pants, 'cause last night, [points at Stan] that sonova bitch and his hippie girlfriend decided they wanted to play soccer with my balls!

The other boys laugh.

STAN:  
Serves you right. You were spying on us!

KYLE:  
Really? Dude, that's low.

CARTMAN:  
[rolls eyes] Puh. Whatever.

STAN:  
See? Look. He's guilty.

CARTMAN:  
It's better to be accused of being a bastard spy than to be a Jew with a tiny penis.

KYLE:  
Say that one more time, and I'll rip off what's left of your balls and shove 'em up your ass!

KENNY:  
(You'd never find them again, Cartman!)

Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh.

STAN:  
Yeah, Kenny's right! You'll never find them again because of all the fat in your ass!

This prompts more laughter from the three.

CARTMAN:  
Hey!

STAN:  
Dude, Kyle. I found this in my dad's underwear drawer. I overheard him talking about it last night. He said that it can fix small problems like yours.

CARTMAN:  
[laughs] That's a good one, Stan.

KYLE:  
Shut up, Cartman. [to Stan] What the hell is it?

STAN:  
It's an afro-dizzy-jack called Mexican Bugs. It's supposed to make things bigger or something.

KYLE:  
Wow! Cool! Gimme!

Kyle snatches the bottle from Stan. Then, we see a close up of Kyle's shadow on the ground. He cackles evilly. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman huddle together and back away. Back to Kyle's shadow on the ground, the empty bottle lands next to it.

STAN:  
[scared] Hey, uh, did it work?

KYLE:  
[belches] I don't know, but I've got a tingly feeling going on.

  
SCENE: School hallway  
As the boys are walking to class, in their underwear of course, Kyle is looking about franticly, with drool hanging from his mouth.

KYLE:  
Wow! Hot damn! Look at that ass!

CARTMAN:  
Uh, what the hell is your problem?

KYLE:  
Did you see it?! [grabs Cartman by the shoulders and shakes him] Did you see the ass on that girl?! [looks behind] Jesus Christ! It was the greatest thing I'd ever seen in my life!

CARTMAN:  
Kyle! [swats Kyle's hands away] Don't you ever touch me like that again, you Jewish sonova bitch!

KYLE:  
[uncomprehending] What?

CARTMAN:  
[through Kyle's eyes, wearing make up like a whore] More cushion for the pushin', big boy!

Kyle screams and runs off towards the classroom.

CARTMAN:  
Gah! Jewish people piss me off!

CRAIG:  
[off screen] Cartman!

Cartman turns around as Stan and Kenny continue walking. Cartman's eyes widen in surprise when he sees Craig flipping him off.

CARTMAN:  
Uh, hi, Craig...

CRAIG:  
I choose you for a fight, fat ass!

CARTMAN:  
Oh, really?

CRAIG:  
Oh, yeah.

CARTMAN:  
Well, bring it, bitch!

CRAIG:  
Tomorrow morning at the flag pole, ass-master!

CARTMAN:  
Why not after school?

CRAIG:  
I gotta get ready for the dance. Duh.

  
SCENE: Classroom  
All the kids are in their seats, with the exception of Kyle, who is hiding under his desk. Stan and Cartman are looking down at him. Mr. Garrison enters.

MR. GARRISON:  
Oh, sure! I can't spend my day drinking and thinking about getting it on with hot chicks because you dirty little bastards need a fucking education! [pause] Kyle, why the hell are you hiding underneath your desk?

Close up of Kyle.

KYLE:  
[quickly, low] IneedabitchIneedabitchsomuchtensionohgodsomuchtension-

MR. GARRISON:  
Kyle, I asked you a god damn question!

STAN:  
Um, Mr. Garrison, it's probably best if we ignore Kyle.

MR. GARRISON:  
What the hell's his problem?

Another close up of Kyle.

KYLE:  
[looking at Rebecca, low] Hi, Rebecca! I like what you're wearing today! [pause] Ha!

MR. GARRISON:  
Well, being since I have to be here instead of at the high school with THOSE girls, I'm gonna have you come up and sing your god damn reports on Jar-Jar Binks. How's that sound?

CLASS:  
*groans*

MR. GARRISON:  
Hmm. Who should go first, Mr. Hat? [as Mr. Hat] How about that stupid home school girl or Wendy or Bebe?

KYLE:  
[ecstatically, low] *Gasp* Yes! Bitches!

MR. GARRISON:  
Bebe! Get your whore ass up here!

Kyle jumps up on his desk.

KYLE:  
Whore? Whore?! Where's a fucking whore, god dammit?!

CARTMAN:  
Jesus!

The whole class is in shock.

STAN:  
Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here!

MR. GARRISON:  
KYLE! Sit your Jewish ass down before Mr. Hat does horrible things to it!

Kyle mumbles something about needing a bitch and sits down. In the meantime, Bebe has walked up to the front of the class.

BEBE:  
[through Kyle's eyes, seductively] Kyle...

KYLE:  
A-wuh?

BEBE:  
[through Kyle's eyes, seductively] Make love to me, Kyle...

KYLE:  
[drooling] Sweet candy.

BEBE:  
[through Kyle's eyes] Fuck me! Fuck me like a red headed step child, Kyle!

Kyle jumps up on top of his desk.

KYLE:  
[eyes closed, hands in the air] Let's fucking DO IT!!!

The entire class stares at Kyle, speechless. Mr. Garrison also stares, speechless. A moment of silence passes.

MR. GARRISON:  
Kyle? [pause] What the hell is your problem?

KYLE:  
I need a bitch!

STAN:  
Dude! You went overboard on that stuff!

KYLE:  
No way, dude! I feel fucking awesome!

Kyle smiles big and falls face first off his desk. Cartman laughs.

MR. GARRISON:  
Stuff? What stuff?

STAN:  
Well, uh, we gave him some Mexican Bugs to make his thing bigger.

MR. GARRISON:  
Mexican…? Oh! You must mean "Spanish Fly," Stanley.

STAN:  
Yeah, that!

MR. GARRISON:  
Right. How many did he just so happen to take?

CARTMAN:  
The whole freakin' bottle!

MR. GARRISON:  
A whole bottle?! Well, no wonder he's hornier than Michael Jackson in Disneyland!

  
SCENE: Outside the school  
The boys are hanging out by the flag pole. Now, they're all dressed in their normal attire. Kyle is looking about in a jittery fashion.

STAN:  
Oh, thank god! Warmth!

CARTMAN:  
I'll say.

KYLE:  
God damn. I hurt all over.

STAN:  
Well, you did fall head first off your desk.

KYLE:  
[shakes head] I'm having trouble seeing straight.

KENNY:  
(Did you play with yourself and get it in your eyes?)

KYLE:  
What?

CARTMAN:  
Heh heh. [pause] Uh, what's that mean again, Kenny?

Kenny whispers something to Cartman.

CARTMAN:  
Oh! I get it!

Kyle leans back against the flag pole, looking exhausted.

KYLE:  
[hushed] I feel fucked up...

STAN:  
What?

KYLE:  
[pointing off screen] I said hot ass and Wendy are coming.

Stan gives Kyle a confused look as Wendy and Bebe walk up to them.

WENDY:  
[nervous] Uh, hi guys.

BOYS:  
Hi, Wendy.

CARTMAN:  
[under his breath] Bitch.

WENDY:  
Stan? Can we talk?

STAN:  
Uh, 'kay.

Wendy pulls Stan aside.

WENDY:  
Stan, about last night...

STAN:  
What about it?

Pan over to the others.

KYLE:  
[excited] Holy hell! I'd have my way with that ass!

KENNY:  
(Yessir!)

The two give each other high fives. Bebe gives Kyle a jealous look. Cartman rolls his eyes.

WENDY:  
Why did you run out my house screaming like Cartman getting the fat liposuctioned out of his ass?

Cartman walks on screen.

CARTMAN:  
Okay! Now I fucking resent that!

STAN:  
Shut up, Cartman. [to Wendy] Dude, you were gonna eat my best friend in the whole world!

CARTMAN:  
Hey! Don't ignore me!

WENDY:  
Shut up, Cartman. [to Stan, puzzled] Who? Kyle?

CARTMAN:  
Who-? What?! [exasperated] You were gonna eat Kyle? Wow! I didn't know you had it in ya, babe! Maybe you should and rid this town of a bastard Jew!

Wendy punches Cartman in the face, causing him to fall over backwards into the snow.

CARTMAN:  
Ow!

WENDY:  
Don't you EVER call me "babe," fat fuck! Or else I'll kick you in the balls again!

CARTMAN:  
[pained] Y-yes, ma'am!

The other three kids walk over to join the conversation.

KYLE:  
Now, wait! Who's eating me? Some chick with a hot ass?

Kenny laughs. Bebe rolls her eyes.

STAN:  
[intimidated] No one's eating Kyle! God damn. I'm talking about my other best friend!

WENDY:  
Oh. [pause] Oh! I get it! Stan, I never said anything like that. You fell asleep halfway through the movie.

Cartman gets back up, painfully. Now he has a black eye.

CARTMAN:  
[mutters] God dammit.

STAN:  
Oh. I must be having some heavy emotional problems then.

WENDY:  
[blinks a few times] What? [shakes head] No, nevermind. It's probably better that I don't know.

STAN:  
[confused] Um, okay.

WENDY:  
Anyway! Stan, I was wondering if you were gonna escort me to the dance at Mr. Jenkins' barn this evening.

Stan is about to throw up when Kyle interjects.

KYLE:  
Wait for it...

Stan, with his cheeks puffed out, looks back and forth between Kyle and Wendy.

KYLE:  
Wait for it...

There is a pause as Stan's face turns purple.

KYLE:  
Okay! Now!

Stan throws up and pants heavily.

STAN:  
Damn. [to Wendy] Sure, dude. I mean, what other girl am I gonna take?

WENDY:  
[excited] Great! Kyle? Do you have a date for this evening?

KYLE:  
[ala Golem] Dateses? We has nots a dateses. Geh.

Bebe sidesteps real close to Kyle, who is still twitching.

BEBE:  
[seductively] Would you escort me this evening, Kyle?

KYLE:  
[ala Golem] Yesss. Kyle will shows you the ways. [pause] My precious...

STAN:  
[hand on forehead] Oh, Jesus.

CARTMAN:  
[aside] Would someone PLEASE put the Jew out of my misery?

Wendy and Bebe wave as they leave.

WENDY:  
Alright then! Be sure to pick us up on time, boys!

STAN:  
Wow! A date with Wendy Testaburger!

Stan throws up and promptly falls over.

STAN:  
I am so nervous.

KYLE:  
You? I'm going with Bebe. Bebe! [dreamy] Damn! What a sweet ass.

CARTMAN:  
God, I am so getting away from these gay vibes. C'mon, Kenny. We can watch Terrance and Phillip.

KENNY:  
(I still have to find a girl.)

CARTMAN:  
[shocked] You what?

KENNY:  
(Well, I'm off! See ya later, guys.)

Stan gets up as Kenny walks away.

STAN/KYLE:  
Bye, Kenny.

KYLE:  
So are you gonna be at Jenkins' barn tonight, Cartman?

STAN:  
Oh, wait. Cartman won't be able to get a girl to go with him.

They laugh.

CARTMAN:  
Up yours, hippie lover! I'll be there. I'll be there to publicly humiliate you two! [pause] And to see the high school girls of course.

Cartman walks off.

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] I shall see you on the evening, gentlemen.

KYLE:  
Humiliate us? What's he gonna do?

STAN:  
Dude, you have to remember that Cartman's idea of humiliating someone is to eat all the free food before anyone else.

KYLE:  
Oh, yeah.

SCENE: Wendy's house  
Stan and Kyle, dressed in their normal attire, walk up to the front door and stop.

STAN:  
Okay, um... You knock, Kyle.

KYLE:  
What?! Wh-why don't you knock?

STAN:  
Because, um, I'm not all jacked up on Mexican Bugs!

KYLE:  
What makes you think I still have that stuff in my system?

STAN:  
You're all nervous and stuff.

KYLE:  
Like you're any calmer than I am!

STAN:  
Dude, just, just knock on the door.

KYLE:  
*sigh* Fine.

Kyle knocks on the door and steps back to hide behind Stan.

STAN:  
What the hell are you doing?!

KYLE:  
I'm hiding from the girls!

STAN:  
Why?

KYLE:  
[frightened whisper] I scared!

STAN:  
"I scared?"

Kyle simply nods. Stan sighs and rolls his eyes.

STAN:  
[trying to act brave] W-well, I'm not s-scared. I mean, th-they're just girls.

The door opens revealing Wendy, who is dressed in the same glittery purple dress from earlier, and Bebe, who is dressed in a similar dress only blue.

GIRLS:  
Hi, boys!

Stan and Kyle stare bug-eyed for a second before falling head first into the bushes. The girls are quiet as they contemplate what just happened.

BEBE:  
[shrugs] Maybe they don't like our dresses.

  
SCENE: Jenkins' Barn  
Loud country and dance music is heard as Stan, Wendy, Kyle, and Bebe walk up to the large wooden doors. As the others enter, Kyle stops and leans heavily on the side of the building. He clutches his chest.

KYLE:  
God damn. My heart is racing. [wipes brow] Oh god! I'm breaking out in a sweat! What's wrong with me?

The other three kids come back outside.

STAN:  
Dude, you okay?

KYLE:  
I, I'm fine...

WENDY:  
[concerned] You don't look fine, Kyle.

KYLE:  
[sternly] I, I s-said I'm f-fine.

Bebe takes Kyle by the arm and pulls him closer to the door.

BEBE:  
C'mon, Kyle. We can go inside and sit at the table until you feel better.

Kyle turns around and throws up.

STAN:  
[shocked] Dude!

Wendy and Bebe share a look. Kyle, shaking uncontrollably, sits down and leans back against the wall.

KYLE:  
[weakly] Oh god...

STAN:  
You guys go ahead, I'll talk to Kyle.

WENDY:  
You sure?

STAN:  
Boy talk.

WENDY:  
Oh. [to Bebe] C'mon, girl! Let's go find a table with the best view!

As Bebe is dragged into the barn, she looks worriedly at Kyle. Stan sits down next to the sick boy.

STAN:  
Wanna talk?

KYLE:  
[weakly] I actually feel better now.

STAN:  
That's cool. You nervous?

KYLE:  
[eyes closed] I think so.

STAN:  
I'm nervous, too. So don't think about it.

KYLE:  
[one eye half open] I'll try.

STAN:  
Then let's go have fun.

Stan gets up, but Kyle stops him.

KYLE:  
Dude, you do realize that as soon as we enter that barn, the "Naked Time" fun begins?

STAN:  
[downcast] Yeah, I know.

KYLE:  
My mom's the mediator, so there's no talking our way outta this.

STAN:  
Okay. Then let's TRY to have fun.

Stan gets up and walks to the door.

KYLE:  
[weakly] Hey, Stan?

Stan stops and turns around.

STAN:  
Yeah?

KYLE:  
[weakly] Could you help me in, please?

  
SCENE: Inside the barn  
All the kids are sitting stone faced at various tables. Stan enters, holding Kyle upright. Mrs. Broflovski sees them enter and rushes over.

SHEILA:  
Oh my god! Kyle, are you all right?

KYLE:  
[weakly] Yeah. I'm just nervous.

SHEILA:  
What's making you nervous, bubby? Is it some pervert out there?

STAN:  
No.

KYLE:  
[weakly] Look, mom. I'll talk about it later. I just want to sit down somewhere.

SHEILA:  
Alright, bubby. Just check your clothes in and you can go.

STAN:  
[to Kyle] Hearing your mom say that is so wrong.

Elsewhere, Wendy and Bebe, minus their fancy gowns, are sitting at a table.

WENDY:  
[fuming] This is so wrong!

BEBE:  
What? You mean that we have to be naked?

WENDY:  
Well, that wasn't what I meant, but yeah, this is morally wrong, too.

BEBE:  
Oh. Well, what you talking about?

WENDY:  
We spent all that money on dresses to impress the boys and we can't wear them! THAT is what's wrong!

BEBE:  
Hmm. I agree with that. But, at least I can now see Kyle's hot ass with almost nothing obstructing my view of it.  
  
Wendy brings a hand to her forehead.

WENDY:  
Oh, Jesus.

Bebe jumps as Stan and Kyle, clad in just their underpants, sit down at the table.

BEBE:  
Oh! Hi, guys. Hi, Kyle.

KYLE:  
[nervous] Uh, h-hi.

STAN:  
Dude, when are our parents gonna come to their senses and realize that this is the craziest thing they've made us do?

WENDY:  
I'm actually surprised that Kyle's mom is here and not bitching out the mayor.

KYLE:  
Well, actually, my mom was in on the whole thing...

STAN:  
Dude, that sucks. You better hope that no one finds out about that.

KYLE:  
I know. I'll get my ass kicked to next Tuesday.

BEBE:  
What if we run away?

STAN:  
No. That'd be too easy.

WENDY:  
Hmm. What if we beat up Kyle's mom and get our clothes back?

BEBE:  
Yeah! Then we can dance!

KYLE:  
What? No! I'm not gonna let you beat up my mom! Even if it means sitting here without any dignity!

STAN:  
Yeah, and besides, that would be too cliché.

WENDY:  
How so?

STAN:  
It'd be like in all those eighties' teen movies, where they're all at those school dances and there's always a fight...

WENDY:  
But, this is different! In those movies, someone's fighting over a dumb blonde girl with huge knockers!

BEBE:  
Yeah! We'd be fighting for our clothes! [pause] Hey, wait a second...!

KYLE:  
So? It's the same thing. We'd be fighting someone for something.

STAN:  
Yeah!

  
SCENE: Outside the barn  
A dark figure is looking in on the "festivities" going on inside, Stan and company in particular. He laughs menacingly.

DARK FIGURE:  
Heh, I'll show you, Stan and Kyle! I'll show you up good! My revenge will be very sweet!

He laughs again.

SCENE: Inside  
Stan, Wendy, Kyle, and Bebe are still arguing about some kind of plan. Stan beats his head on the table.

WENDY:  
Okay. How about this?

In Wendy's imagination, we see Kyle approach his mom at the front door.

WENDY:  
[voice over] Kyle distracts his mom, while the rest of us sneak past her.

Kyle starts dancing as the others sneak past behind his mom.

KYLE:  
Hey, Mom! Look at me! It's Kyle! I'm bein' entertaining! I'm not a distraction! Hey ho!

He stops when the others get past safely. He looks bored and angry.

KYLE:  
Alright. That's it. I'm tired. Show's over.

WENDY:  
[voice over] And then we get our clothes back!

KYLE:  
[crosses arms] I see two flaws in this plan. One: how am I gonna distract my mom? I can't just walk up to her and start singing and dancing. And two: we'll just get caught later on with our clothes.

WENDY:  
[voice over] But I already thought about that, Kyle. You AND Bebe will be the decoys.

Bebe appears out of thin air next to Kyle. Little hearts float above his head.

BEBE:  
Hi, Kyle!

WENDY:  
[voice over] You show your mom your girlfriend-

The hearts above Kyle's head disappear with puffs of smoke.

KYLE:  
[shocked] Girlfriend?!

STAN:  
[voice over] It's pretend, Kyle.

Bebe looks a little disappointed.

WENDY:  
[voice over] Okay. You and Bebe distract your mom-

Kyle and Bebe walk up to Sheila. This time, hearts are floating above both their heads.

KYLE:  
[nervous] M-mom, th-this is my g-girlfriend, B-Bebe.

BEBE:  
[nervous] H-hello, M-m-Mrs. Broflovski. It's a p-pleasure to meet you.

SHEILA:  
Oh, don't you two look precious.

WENDY:  
[voice over] -and in the meantime, Stan and I will steal our clothes back.

Stan and Wendy sneak past and grab a pile of clothes. They throw them in the air and do a victory dance.

WENDY:  
[voice over, low, dreamy] Then Stan romantically kisses me. *sigh*

Stan then leans Wendy back and kisses her deeply, causing her to let out a muffled noise of pleasure. With a wave effect, Wendy's imagination is replaced with the four kids sitting at the table. Wendy, with a dreamy look on her face, has her head leaning on one hand, while she makes circles on the table with the index finger on her other.

STAN:  
Isn't the word "steal" a little negative for our cause?

WENDY:  
[agitated] Alright. We'll spirit our clothes away.

STAN:  
"Spirit?" That sounds kind of-

WENDY:  
Who the hell cares?!

STAN:  
[taken aback] Uh, nevermind.

KYLE:  
Okay. I get that. But what about afterwards?

WENDY:  
We simply sneak out and go have fun elsewhere.

KYLE:  
Huh. That sounds foolproof.

BEBE:  
Let's do it!

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] Stan and Kyle!

Everyone, except Stan, turns to see Cartman standing in the middle of the dance floor with his arm around the waist of a cute blond haired girl, dressed in a white gown.

STAN:  
Oh, look. It's the fat ass. I wonder what kind of dastardly deed he has in store for us.

WENDY:  
Wow. Cartman has pretty girlfriend.

BEBE:  
Yeah. She's real pretty.

STAN:  
[shocked, turns around] What?!

KYLE:  
Dude, how the hell did that tub of lard get a girl? Let alone a freakin' gorgeous one?

Bebe shoots Kyle a dirty look.

CARTMAN:  
Do you like her, guys?

As Cartman and the mysterious girl walk over to the table, the outsides of the screen get fuzzy and warm melodic music plays. The others just stare, dumbfounded. Clyde, Craig, Token, Tweek, and Butters, all in the background, stare with their tongues hanging out.

CLYDE:  
Wow. She's pretty.

TOKEN:  
All I can say is, "Hot damn!"

CRAIG:  
If it weren't for the fact the he has a hot girl with him, I'd go over there and kick his ass.

Craig flips the bird.

TWEEK:  
[nervously] Ah!

Cartman lets out a sly laugh.

CARTMAN:  
We met yesterday at the park. Michelle, these are my friends, Stan and Kyle, and their skanky hippie bitches, Wendy and Bebe.

GIRL:  
[cheerleader giggle] Wow! It is sooo great to meet you! Eric has told me so much about you!

STAN:  
[uncertain] I'm sure he has.

WENDY:  
Hmm... I don't think I've ever seen you around here.

GIRL:  
[cheerleader giggle] I'm from Denver! I'm here visiting one of my friends!

The girl does a cheer, all the while Cartman's arm still around her waist.

GIRL:  
[cheering] Gooooo Denver!

WENDY:  
[unbelieving] Riiiight. If you'll excuse me for a moment.

As Wendy gets up from her chair, she grabs a nearby fork. She nonchalantly walks up to the girl and stops right in front of her.

WENDY:  
You live in Denver, huh?

GIRL:  
[cheerleader giggle, bats eyelashes] That's right!

WENDY:  
Really?

STAN:  
Uh, Wendy?

With a smug look, Wendy gently pokes the girl with the fork. The girl suddenly explodes and flies across the room with the whooshing of air. Cartman watches the remains fly with a horrified look on his face. After a second, the plastic doll lands on Cartman's head, causing all the kids to laugh.

CARTMAN:  
[angry] Shut up! Screw you guys!

WENDY:  
I thought that voice sounded familiar. It was you all along! It was a puppet!

KYLE:  
I bet you got it from your mom's sex toy catalogue.

All the kids laugh.

CARTMAN:  
[muttering] I'm so gonna fucking kill you.

Wendy does a little victory pose.

BEBE:  
You go girl!

A few other girls shout out similar comments. Wendy looks triumphantly at Cartman. He, however, looks like he's about to blow a blood vessel.

WENDY:  
[smugly] Looks like your girl went to pieces when she met a real woman!

Cartman gets in her face.

CARTMAN:  
[shouting] You wanna fight, hippie?

WENDY:  
[shouting] Kind of a one sided fight, fat fuck! I'll mop the floor with your ass!

Stan looks off to the side, gets up, and walks off screen.

KYLE:  
Stan?

CARTMAN:  
[shouting] Oh, yeah?! Well, I'll put nuclear warheads in yer balls and blow 'em all over communist soil!

WENDY:  
[shouting] I'm a girl, dumb ass! Girls don't have balls!

Stan returns with a bucket of popcorn.

STAN:  
[to Kyle and Bebe] Want some?

KYLE:  
Sure.

BEBE:  
Yeah, what the hell.

Cartman backs away from Wendy and sticks his tongue out.

CARTMAN:  
Well, maybe you should get some. Then you won't be so bitchy all the time.

Wendy looks at Cartman for a moment, dumbfounded. Her upper lip twitches.

WENDY:  
[slowly] Cartman. You're so god damned stupid, it's unbelievable.

STAN:  
[off screen, loudly] Thank you!

Cartman backs away a few more steps.

CARTMAN:  
I will get my revenge on you, bitch! Oh, yes. And it will be...sweet.

The fat boy takes off running before any more words can be said. His muffled laughter can be heard after he exits the barn.

WENDY:  
[still dumbfounded] What the hell did Cartman think he could accomplish with that?

KYLE:  
Dude, it's Cartman, the biggest, fattest, dumbest fuck to ever walk the face of the planet.

SHEILA:  
[off screen] Would someone mind telling me why we're shouting obscenities at the top of our lungs?

All the scared kids turn around to find Kyle's mom looking at them disappointingly.

KYLE:  
Uh oh.

[End The Great Escape Plans]


	9. Fat Ass Beatin' Club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exploding Cows Arc, Final.
> 
> Stan, Kyle, Wendy, and Bebe are kicked out of the dance and end up spending the evening together. In the morning, a minor fight begins.

STAN:  
[voice over] Previously, on South Park...

Suspenseful, dramatic soap opera music begins to play as a motorcycle, bearing Tweek with a broadsword three times his size strapped to his back, crashes out of a window on the third floor of a building. The motorcycle, lands on its wheels and Tweek takes off after a light blue pick-up truck bearing Token and a bright red Sparky in the bed. Cut to Stan and Wendy, standing in the school playground.

WENDY:  
[forlorn] Stan, I think I'm pregnant.

STAN:  
[shocked] What?!

Cut to Kyle, in military garb, tinkering with a bomb. The countdown is seven seconds and dropping.

CARTMAN:  
[over a headset] Make sure you cut the green wire!

KYLE:  
[frantic] There is no green wire!

CARTMAN:  
[over headset] Oh, shit!

Cut to Kenny, dressed in a black suit and tie and a martini in hand, sitting in a doctor's examining room.

DR. DOCTOR:  
Mr. Bond, I'm afraid you have nine STD's, all of which are incurable.

KENNY:  
[pissed] Damn! [stands and shouts to the ceiling] OCTOPUSSY!!!

CLYDE:  
[voice over] See this?

Cut to Clyde, on the street, surrounded by zombies. He cocks his shot gun and aims at zombie Pip's head.

CLYDE:  
This is my BOOMSTICK!

Cut to Butters, in a Jason mask, hacking up Tweek and the Red Haired Girl with a chainsaw.

BUTTERS:  
[menacingly] T-take my cookies, w-will you?! B-by golly! Th-this is y-your punishment!

Cut to Cartman, in a straight-jacket, strapped to a dolly. Clyde and Craig, in CIA uniforms, stand behind him. Wendy, in a blouse and mini skirt, takes a step back in fear.

CARTMAN:  
Hello, Wendy... You look delicious...

Cartman licks his lips. Cut to Stan, Pip, and Ike, in black jackets and tan khakis, fighting an army of robotic Butters, karate style. Ike scissor kicks one in the head, knocking it into the one behind it.

IKE:  
Cookie Monster!

Cut to Kenny, in a black leather jacket, walking down a city street away from a parked car. The car explodes in a ball of fire.

KENNY:  
[low] Give me back my money...

Cut to Tweek, dressed in a long red trench coat, dodging bullets rather comically.

WENDY:  
[voice over] Silly little blonde girl likes to play with Samurai swords...

Cut to Bebe, dressed in a yellow jumpsuit and wielding a Samurai sword. She looks back and forth as she sizes up her dozens upon dozens of opponents surrounding her. Wendy, in a white kimono, stands on the floor above.

CARTMAN:  
[voice over] Why the fuck do I have to be Mr. Pink?

Cut to Mr. Garrison, clad in black, standing near a chalkboard. Mr. Hat is clad in a pink shirt with a blue collar.

MR. GARRISON:  
Because you're a faggot!

Cut to an aerial of Kyle crying over a dead Cartman. Rain falls from the dark sky, and lightening flashes.

KYLE:  
[shouting to the sky] NOOOO!!!

It cuts to black and the music stops. Heavy breathing can be heard. After a beat, a match is lit, revealing the profiles of the faces of a frightened Wendy and a visitor. Wendy screams and the match goes out. Cut to the inside of Jenkins' barn where Stan, Kyle, Wendy, and Bebe are standing in the middle of the floor, looking dumbfounded. Cartman's faint, muffled laughter can be heard.

WENDY:  
[dumbfounded] What the hell did Cartman think he could accomplish with that "prank?"

KYLE:  
Dude, it's Cartman, the biggest, fattest, dumbest fuck to ever walk the face of the planet.

SHEILA:  
[off screen] Would someone mind telling me why we're shouting obscenities at the top of our lungs?

The camera quickly zooms in on Kyle's face.

KYLE:  
Oh fuck.

  
SCENE: Jenkins' Barn, inside - Friday night  
Sheila is escorting the four kids to the front doors.

SHEILA:  
I'm very disappointed in all of you. Especially you, Kyle.

KYLE:  
But, mom-

SHEILA:  
No buts, Bubalah. Now, I have a dance to chaperone, so you march yourself back home and have a talk with your father.

KYLE:  
But, dad's not home!

STAN:  
Yeah. We saw him, my dad, and few of the other guys heading down to the woods to watch the high school seniors make out.

SHEILA:  
Very funny, boys. I highly doubt your fathers would stoop down to such a level.

  
SCENE: Wooded area  
A group of teenagers, consisting of three guys and five girls, are in a clearing, making out. A fire crackles nearby.

TEEN BOY#1:  
[looking at the odd girls out] Whoa! I know they had a lot of beer, but damn!

TEEN BOY#2:  
Yeah! This is hot!

The camera pans out until Randy, Gerald, Stuart McCormick, Chris Stotch, Mr. Tweak, Jimbo, and Ned hiding behind some bushes, come into view.

GERALD:  
[low] Wow! This is great! Lesbians!

RANDY:  
[low] You getting all this, Chris?

Chris, videotaping the scene with a digital camcorder, gives a thumbs up.

JIMBO:  
[low] Dammit, Ned! Don't jack it in front of us!

  
SCENE: Jenkins' barn, outside  
Sheila kicks the four out.

SHEILA:  
And as for the rest of you, I'll be sure to call and tell your parents about your potty mouths!

WENDY:  
Aw, weak.

The door slams shut.

BEBE:  
[concerned] Wh-what are we supposed to do now? It's cold out.

STAN:  
Yeah, she could've at least given us our clothes back!

WENDY:  
[pissed] Grrr... I planned on having a fun time this evening, and even if I have to become the Diablos herself, I will not let my night out be ruined by that egomaniac!

KYLE:  
Dude, Wendy! That's my mom you're talking about!

WENDY:  
[pissed] Oh! Get with the program, Kyle!

Wendy starts pounding on the door.

WENDY:  
[shouting] Give us our god damn clothes back, you fucking bi-

The door opens and a pile of clothes fly out and hit Wendy in the face, knocking her to the ground with a grunt. Kyle and Bebe laugh, while Stan tries to hide his laughter.

KYLE:  
That was funny.

WENDY:  
[muffled] Laugh it up, assholes!

She sits up, grabs the pair of pants on her head, and throws them at Kyle, hitting him in the face.

WENDY:  
That bitch.

  
SCENE: Cow pasture  
Stan, chewing on a piece of straw, and Wendy are lying in the snow looking up at the stars. Kyle and Bebe are sitting together, further back. The four kids are all in their normal attire. Crickets are chirping and cows are mooing in the background.

WENDY:  
It sure is romantic out here, isn't it, Stan?

STAN:  
[chewing] Yup.

WENDY:  
Doesn't it make you want to just hug someone special and just kiss them all over? *sigh*

STAN:  
[chewing] Yup.

Wendy looks at Stan for a moment.

WENDY:  
Stan?

STAN:  
[chewing] Yup.

WENDY:  
Would you like to kiss...?

When Stan doesn't reply, she gives him an annoyed look.

WENDY:  
Would you like to kiss Kyle?

Laughing, Stan sits up and points at Wendy.

STAN:  
Ahhh-ha! You thought I wasn't paying attention, didn't you?

Wendy smiles big and closes her eyes. She moves her arms and legs to create a snow angel.

WENDY:  
Look, Stan! I'm a snow angel!

STAN:  
[nervous] Y-you know, you don't need s-snow to look like an angel...

Wendy stops her movement and slowly sits up.

WENDY:  
Did you just...call me an angel?

The scene then focuses on Kyle and Bebe, sitting together a yard or so from Stan and Wendy.

BEBE:  
Look at them. *dreamy sigh* They look like they're sharing a romantic moment.

KYLE:  
It's kinda funny how some things seem to happen that way.

BEBE:  
Kyle...

Stan, beet red, nods his head.

STAN:  
[nervous] Y-yeah, I did.

WENDY:  
[low] Why?

KYLE:  
[voice over] You can't just make something romantic, by saying the "right words" or by trying to make everything perfect.

STAN:  
[nervous] Be-because y-you're my angel.

Wendy crawls over to Stan and stops when her face is inches from his.

WENDY:  
[low] It sure is romantic out here, isn't it, Stan?

STAN:  
[low] Y-yeah.

KYLE:  
[voice over] That's not just what it is. It's also the moment. The now, that causes those feelings. The light of the full moon reflecting off the snow on the ground, the sound of the music that mother nature herself has created. And...

WENDY:  
[low] Doesn't it make you want to just hug someone special and just kiss them all over?

STAN:  
[low] *gulps* Oh, yeah.

Bebe leans a little closer towards Kyle, a look of pure ecstasy on her face.

BEBE:  
[dreamily] And...?

Stan and Wendy have come to the point where their noses are touching. Both of them look at each other with half-closed eyes.

WENDY:  
[low] Stan?

STAN:  
[low] Wendy?

KYLE:  
[voice over] ...and...the beauty of the company you keep...

WENDY:  
[low] Would...you like to...kiss...?

STAN:  
[low] ...Kyle?

WENDY:  
[low] No, silly... Me.

STAN:  
[low] 'Kay...

When they kiss, the scene focuses on Kyle and Bebe. She kneels in front of Kyle and takes his head in her hands.

BEBE:  
[low] You know how to turn a girl on, don't you?

KYLE:  
[confused] What?

BEBE:  
[low] Just shut up and kiss me.

She doesn't give Kyle a chance to respond. It lasts no more than a moment, before Kyle jumps up and steps back.

KYLE:  
[freaking out] Oh, god! I kissed a girl! I kissed a girl!

A faraway look crosses his face as Bebe looks on with mild amusement.

KYLE:  
[low] And it was fucking great...

The scene focuses on the stars in the sky.

STAN:  
[off screen] Wendy...? Did we just make love?

WENDY:  
[off screen] I'm not sure. I think so...

STAN:  
[off screen] Wow... L-let's do it again.

WENDY:  
[off screen] I'm game.

A shooting star flies across the sky and vanishes near the full moon. The camera pans down. Stan and Wendy are asleep together in the snow. She's on her side with an arm on his chest and head on his shoulder, while he has that arm around her shoulders. Kyle and Bebe aren't too far away, in a very similar position. After a moment, a moo is heard.

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] C'mon, Bessie. Come get the nice celery stick.

Cartman walks on screen, backwards, decked out in full on ninja garb. When the cow is in between Stan and Wendy and Kyle and Bebe, Cartman gives up the piece of celery to it. As he walks towards the rear end of the animal, he pats its side.

CARTMAN:  
Good, Bessie. Heh heh.

Cartman takes a stick of dynamite, seemingly out of thin air, jumps up, and shoves it into the cow's ass.

CARTMAN:  
Heh. I'd like to thank Jimbo Kern for being a drunk redneck who doesn't lock up his explosives!

He strikes a match, jumps up, and lights the fuse. When he lands, he takes off running.

CARTMAN:  
[off screen, laughing] This is gonna be so totally tits!

The cow moos, waking Kyle. He sits up and yawns. After scratching his head, he looks at the cow, confused.

KYLE:  
Since when did cows have glowing asses...? [realizes] Oh, shit!

Kyle shakes Bebe awake.

BEBE:  
[groggily] Wha...?

KYLE:  
[shouting] Exploding cow!

Stan and Wendy, startled awake, look behind them.

STAN/WENDY:  
Shit!

STAN:  
[shouting] Run for it!

Stan grabs Wendy's hand and pulls her up with him. They all take off running in opposite directions. Just when Kyle and Bebe take refuge behind a huge rock, the cow explodes with a moo, spewing blood and chunks of internal organs every which way. Stan and Wendy fall to the ground and get hit with insane amounts of gore.

STAN:  
[weakly] God dammit.

He sits up and looks at Wendy, who is still face first in the snow.

STAN:  
Wendy?

She rolls over onto her back.

WENDY:  
I'm gonna be spending the whole night getting this crap out of my hair. Ewww!

Stan laughs. Kyle and Bebe walk over, both looking concerned.

BEBE:  
You guys alright?

Wendy sits up.

WENDY:  
I'm still alive.

STAN:  
Yeah, me, too.

Kyle looks around, nervously.

KYLE:  
We should get the hell outta here before Mr. Jenkins comes out here with his gun and thinks we did this.

STAN:  
Good call, dude.

As they're picking themselves up to leave, the camera pans over and zooms into a bush, not too far away. Cartman peeks out with a disposable camera.

CARTMAN:  
And now I have just what I need to make Stan and Wendy the laughing stock of the school. Heh. Shame that Kyle wasn't covered in hamburger. It would've been so much cooler! [confused] What the hell?

Back where the other kids had been, Mr. Garrison, clad only in boxer briefs and Mr. Hat, walks into the scene looking about wildly.

MR. GARRISON:  
[awestruck] Wow, Mr. Hat. Looks like I'm not the only one screwin' cows 'til they explode!

CARTMAN:  
[disgusted] Awww... [mutters] That's it. Screw this. I'm goin' home.

  
SCENE: South Park Elementary - Saturday morning  
Craig and a huge crowd of kids are waiting by the flag pole. Clyde walks up to Craig.

CLYDE:  
Where the hell is Cartman?

CRAIG:  
He probably got his ass stuck again.

Quick cut to Cartman in the bath tub. He tries to get out, but can't.

CARTMAN:  
[shouting] Moooom! Get the Jaws of Life in hya!

LIANE:  
[off screen] Why, hun?

CARTMAN:  
[shouting] I'm stuck in the god damn bath tub again!

Quick cut back to the school. As the nearby kids laugh, Stan and Wendy, hand in hand, walk up.

STAN:  
Hey, what's going on, guys?

CRAIG:  
That fat ass, Cartman, is supposed to fight me today! You haven't seen him, have you?

Stan and Wendy share a look.

STAN:  
He could be stuck in the bath tub again.

Quick cut back to Cartman's bathroom. Liane puts on a pair of goggles and picks up a chainsaw.

CARTMAN:  
We did this bit already, god dammit!

Liane revs up the "Jaws of Life." Quick cut back to the school.

CRAIG:  
Yeah, we covered that already.

STAN:  
Oh.

KYLE:  
[shouting, off screen] No! I'm not going to the god damn mall with you!

BEBE:  
[shouting, off screen] But I can't spend all your hard earned money that you made working eighty hours a week, unless you're there with me!

Kyle and Bebe walk up next to Stan and Wendy.

STAN:  
Uh, guys.

KYLE:  
I can't spend money I don't have! I don't even have a job to make said money!

BEBE:  
But you're my boyfriend! Boyfriends are supposed to spend all their money on their girlfriends!

STAN:  
Guys!

KYLE:  
What the hell kinda crap is that?! What makes you think I'm gonna spend money, I don't even have, on some skanky bitch who claims to be my girlfriend?

CROWD:  
Ooohhh...

Bebe slaps Kyle across the face. After a moment the two start laughing. Stan looks at Wendy.

STAN:  
Okay. It's obvious that they've been taken over by visitors. [pulls out two pills] Wendy, I've got two cyanide pills. This way we can die together.

Wendy knocks the pills out of his hand.

STAN:  
Hey! Those were Flintstones fruit flavored chewables!

WENDY:  
Stan, although it's a sweet thought, I don't plan on either of us dying any time soon.

STAN:  
Oh.

KYLE:  
[pointing at Stan] We got you guys good!

WENDY:  
What?

BEBE:  
It was all just an act!

KYLE:  
Yeah! We decided to screw with everyone's heads after we broke up this morning.

Quick cut to Kyle's front yard. He and Bebe are arguing quite heatedly.

KYLE:  
No! I'm not going to the god damn mall with you!

BEBE:  
But I can't spend all your hard earned money that you made working eighty hours a week, unless you're there with me!

KYLE:  
I can't spend money I don't have! I don't even have a job to make said money!

BEBE:  
But you're my boyfriend! Boyfriends are supposed to spend all their money on their girlfriends!

KYLE:  
What the hell kinda crap is that?! What makes you think I'm gonna spend money, I don't even have, on some skanky bitch who claims to be my girlfriend?

Bebe slaps Kyle across the face.

KYLE:  
That's it, bitch.

He picks up a lead pipe and proceeds to beat her on the head with it even after she falls and blood starts flying.

KYLE:  
[pissed] How do you like spending my nonexistent money NOW?!

Quick cut back to the school.

WENDY:  
[shocked] You broke up?

BEBE:  
Yeah. We decided that we should just be friends.

KYLE:  
Hey, where's Cartman?

BEBE:  
Did he get stuck in-

CLYDE:  
Dude, we did that already.

BEBE:  
Oh.

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] You guys!

CRAIG:  
It's about god damn time.

They all turn around to find Cartman standing on top of a nearby parked car. In his hand he has a manila folder.

KYLE:  
What the hell is he up to now?

CARTMAN:  
You guys, before I kick Craig's ass-

CRAIG:  
[flips him off] Fat chance, man titties!

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] Suck my balls, you fuckin' gay-wad pansy! [annoyed] As I was saying... Before I kick Craig's ass, there's a few things I think you should know...

He opens up the folder and pulls out a picture.

CARTMAN:  
Come one, come all! Gather 'round to see the picture of a life time!

Cartman holds out the picture for all to see. After a moment, all the kids start laughing.

CARTMAN:  
How do ya like them apples, Stan and Wendy?

The only reply Stan and Wendy give is one of laughter. Cartman, confused, looks at the picture.

CARTMAN:  
Oh, god dammit, Mom! I understand motor oil, but why the apple pie? [crying] Why the apple pie?!

CRAIG:  
Are you done, lard ass? Saturday morning cartoons are on!

Cartman tosses the folder and pulls a tape recorder out of his coat.

CARTMAN:  
[mutters] Plan two. [normal] Soon, my dear Craig. Soon. Everyone! Wendy Testaburger is, not only a hippie bitch, but a whore!

CROWD:  
*Gasp*

WENDY:  
[pissed] What the hell did you just call me?

CARTMAN:  
Heh. I know all about your li'l Mexican boyfriend, Eugenio.

Most of the kids look at Wendy in utter shock.

KYLE:  
[disbelieving] No way.

WENDY:  
[pissed] Where's your proof, fat ass?

CARTMAN:  
Right here.

He pushes the play button.

WENDY:  
[on tape recorder] GodDAMMIT!!! JUST FUCK ME!!! FUCK ME 'TIL I CAN'T WALK!!!

SECONDARY VOICE:  
[on tape recorder, obviously Cartman faking a Spanish accent] Wendy, I want to! But first, I must finish my tacos and burritos!

All the kids stare blankly at Cartman. Wendy's face goes red, while Kyle holds back Stan.

STAN:  
[calm anger] Let me kill him, Kyle.

KYLE:  
Don't do it, dude.

STAN:  
[calm anger] That asshole must suffer the consequences.

WENDY:  
[embarrassed] I admit it. I did say that.

CROWD:  
*Gasp*

BEBE:  
What?!

CARTMAN:  
[smug] So, you admit to being a whore?

WENDY:  
[pissed] You added that last part, lard for brains!

STAN:  
[pissed] Yeah! Wendy screamed that at me the other night!

WENDY:  
Staaaannnn!

STAN:  
What? They already know you said it. Why bother trying to hide it?

KYLE:  
This only proves that you're a spying bastard, Cartman.

CARTMAN:  
Like I said, "It's better to be a spying bastard than a Jew with a tiny penis!"

TWEEK:  
Gah! That's low, man!

CROWD:  
[chanting] Fight! Fight! Fight!

STAN:  
[pointing at Cartman] I hope you're prepared to have your ass kicked by more of us than just Craig, Captain Jiggles!

Cartman looks around, panicking.

CARTMAN:  
I believe this is the point where I turn tail like a pussy and run.

He jumps off the car and hightails it down the street, screaming.

WENDY:  
[shouting] After him! Don't let the fat fuck get away!

All the kids give shouts of agreement and run after Cartman.

CARTMAN:  
[off screen, screaming] God dammit!

  
SCENE: TV, Channel 4 News

NEWSCASTER TOM:  
This just in! We've received word that a minor fight has broken out in the streets of South Park! We now go live to a man dressed in drag!

Cut to Main Street, where behind the reporter in drag, a huge crowd of kids are kicking Cartman's ass.

MAN IN DRAG:  
Thanks, Tom! As you can see, it's a mess here in South Park, Colorado. Word on the street is the minors are pissed off because of this fat little boy.

Cartman's picture appears in the top right corner.

CARTMAN:  
[faint] I'm not fat, god dammit!

MAN IN DRAG:  
Apparently, he said something very bad about another little boy's girlfriend-

In the background, Cartman makes an attempt to run away, until Wendy comes from around a building and throws a couch at him.

MAN IN DRAG:  
-and that just pissed them all off. We'll bring you more on this story as it develops.

  
SCENE: Main Street  
All the kids have formed a circle around the fight. It's now mostly Wendy and Craig beating Cartman to a pulp. The fight is focused on for a few moments before the camera pans over to Stan and Kyle, cheering for Wendy and Craig.

KYLE:  
Man, Kenny's missing all the fun!

STAN:  
Yeah! Y'know, I haven't seen him since we left school yesterday.

KYLE:  
Think he found himself a nice girl?

Quick cut a basement, Kenny is chained to a wall in nothing but his underpants. Cut to an extreme close up of a little girl's torso, who seems to be dressed in dominatrix leather. The girl puts a leather glove on one hand and then the other. She walks over to the table and picks up a black leather whip. The camera zooms out to reveal that the girl is Rebecca. She cracks the whip once.

REBECCA:  
A-are you ready for some pain, man-bitch?

KENNY:  
[excited] Woo-hoo!

Quick cut back to Stan and Kyle.

STAN/KYLE:  
Nahhhh...

Butters and Tweek run into the scene.

BUTTERS:  
F-fellahs! I got the b-baseball bat!

TWEEK:  
Ah! And I found a board with a nail poking out it! Geh!

STAN:  
Great! Let's do this! Clyde, help us out here. Ready, Kyle?

Stan and Clyde pick Kyle up by his feet and hold him up above the rest kids.

KYLE:  
Children of South Park! This is a once in a lifetime offer! Has Eric Cartman made fun of you? Has he played a horrible prank on you? Now's your chance for revenge! That's right, people! Get your revenge on the fattest fuck in town! Only two bucks a pop! Please, in an orderly fashion, form a line here in front of Tweek!

TWEEK:  
[twitches] AH! Too much pressure!

KYLE:  
And remember! The first and only rule about Fat Ass Beatin' Club: We don't talk about Fat Ass Beatin' Club!

Wendy and Craig stop kicking Cartman's ass and lean up against the building behind them. Cartman falls to the ground, near unconsciousness.

CARTMAN:  
[weak] As soon as I can move again, I swear, I'm gonna kick everyone in the nuts! One by one!

Pip, with the baseball bat, walks up to the downed Cartman.

Pip:  
Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry, Eric, but this was an offer I just couldn't refuse!

As he starts beating Cartman, the camera pans out.

STAN:  
[off screen] Hey, Kyle.

Pip gets his hits in and switches with Butters.

STAN:  
[off screen] Why did you break up with Bebe?

Butters gets in his hits and switches with Dog Poo.

KYLE:  
[off screen] I didn't think I was ready for a full blown relationship.

The scene dissolves to the town sign.

STAN:  
[off screen] That's cool. She seems to have taken it well.

KYLE:  
[off screen] Well, actually, I did have to do some persuading.

STAN:  
[off screen] Oh? You talked your way out of it, huh.

KYLE:  
[off screen] No. I beat her with a lead pipe.

STAN:  
[off screen] You what?!

KYLE:  
[off screen] Hey! Check it out! Ike's kicking Cartman's ass!

[End Fat Ass Beatin' Club]

SCENE: Main Street - Saturday night  
Cartman is lying in the street, bruised and bloody, his clothes torn. He rolls on to his side and coughs up blood.

CARTMAN:  
[weakly] I fucking hate Stan and Kyle...


	10. Valentine’s Day Snowball Massacre

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyle discovers at the last minute that a Japanese exchange student will be living with him and his family during her stay. Meanwhile, Stan deals with Wendy yet again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a rewrite, written roughly a year after it was originally posted. Again, I mention this because of a sudden change in style compared to surrounding chapters.

[Irrelevant Cold Opening]  
[SCENE: South Park Elementary Playground  
Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are standing around Cartman, who is wielding an envelope reading “VALENTINE”.]

STAN:  
What’s it say, dude?

KYLE:  
Yeah. C’mon, fat ass. Don’t leave us in the dark here.

KENNY:  
(I can’t fuckin’ believe that someone actually wants to be boned by the fat ass and his tiny dick.)

CARTMAN:  
[annoyed] Shut the hell up, Kenny. [reading] “Dear Eric, Words cannot express how much I love you.”

[The other three boys start to snicker.]

CARTMAN:  
[reading] “I’m always watching you from afar, waiting for the moment that you will be mine.”

[Kenny falls over backwards into the snow in a fit of laughter.]

CARTMAN:  
[ecstatic] Wow, you guys! Some chick really likes me! [flicks them off] Eat that, assholes!

[Stan and Kyle lean on each other to stay upright as they laugh their asses off. Cartman looks at them dumbfoundedly for a moment before continuing.]

CARTMAN:  
[reading] “I want your hot sexy ass so frickin’ bad I can taste it.”

[Stan and Kyle finally fall over to the snowy ground with loud hoots of laughter before Cartman looks down angrily at them.]

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] What the hell is so god damn funny? [reading] “By the way… This has been a joke, fat ass. Love…” [angrily] “Stan…and…Kyle…”

[The fat boy rips up his Valentine and storms off screen right.]

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] I fuckin’ hate you guys.

[Kenny starts choking from laughing so hard.]  
[End Irrelevant Cold Opening]

  
[SCENE: South Park Elementary  
During the establishing shot, a few late comers rush through the double doors and into the building. Once the doors slam shut, cut to a hallway where Stan is grabbing some of his books from within his locker. Wendy, carrying a pink and red backpack over her shoulder, slowly sneaks up behind him where she stands perfectly still. Cut to a camera inside the open locker as Stan stops grabbing books and gets a confused faraway look in his eyes. When he looks over his right shoulder, Wendy appears behind his left with a look of constrained amusement on her face. She lets out a hushed giggle causing Stan to turn his head to look over his left shoulder. The purple clad girl quickly side steps and appears on the other side of the screen. Upon finding no one, Stan shrugs and returns to his books. After returning to a proper shot of the scene, Wendy silently giggles and leans in close to his ear.]

WENDY:  
[loudly and cheerfully] Hi, Stan!

[Stan, being startled witless, jumps to the side and whangs his head on the metal locker door. He catches his balance by grabbing on to said door and rubs his damaged head with his free hand.]

STAN:  
[pained] Jesus Christ…

[Wendy giggles and bashfully tries to avoid making eye contact.]

WENDY:  
[bashfully] I’m sorry, Stan.

STAN:  
[still rubbing his head] Nah. Don’t worry about it, Wendy.

[He closes the locker door with a metallic slam and leads the girl off screen, presumably to class. Elsewhere in the hallway, Butters is slowly meandering along and minding his own business with a song sung to himself.]

BUTTERS:  
[singing] Wuh-well, hee-here I ah-am. Ruh-rocked you like a huh-hurricane.

[Craig and Cartman appear out of nowhere, run up behind the hapless boy, and pick him up rather forcefully.]

BUTTERS:  
Well, huh-hiya, fellahs. Is this some kinda guh-game we’re playin’?

CARTMAN:  
You better believe it, Butters!

BUTTERS:  
[excited] Oh, buh-boy! I love games!

CRAIG:  
Say, fat ass. What game are we playing?

CARTMAN:  
Why, the “Shove the Pussy Melvin into a Locker” game, Craig!

BUTTERS:  
Wuh-wait a kuh-cotton pickin’ minute! That duh-doesn’t sound fuh-fun at all!

CARTMAN:  
Just take it like a man, pussy!

CRAIG:  
Yeah!

[After arriving at a nearby open locker, they shove Butters inside, spray the inside with shaving cream that appeared out of nowhere, and slam it shut.]

BUTTERS:  
[inside the locker] Aw-aww… It’s all gooey…

WENDY:  
[off screen] So… Have you found a Valentine’s date yet, Stan?

[Cartman and Craig share looks of distress.]

STAN:  
[off screen] No.

CRAIG:  
Someone’s coming!

CARTMAN:  
Quick! Cheese it!

[The boys run off as Stan and Wendy walk into the scene.]

WENDY:  
[cutely bats eyelashes] You know… I’m available.

STAN:  
[sighs] Look. We already had this discussion, but I’ll say it again. You’re a great friend, Wendy, and I consider you tied for tenth and last place with Cartman on my list.

WENDY:  
[shocked] I’m tied with Cartman?! In last place?!

STAN:  
Hey, you blew it with me, sister. I don’t want to be double-crossed like that again.

[Wendy stops walking to stare at Stan with a quivering bottom lip and sad puppy dog eyes, which of course means that her eyes increase to three times their normal size, her pupils gain blue irises, and light is reflected off the top corners of the eye whites.]

WENDY:  
[pouting] But, Staaaaaaaaan…

[Stan stops walking and turns around with a sigh.]

STAN:  
[rolls eyes] But if it makes you happy, I’ll make sure to get you a Valentine’s Day card.

[Wendy squeals and bounces up and down with delight.]

WENDY:  
[excited] Oh, my god! Stan! You’re the best!

[Stan continues walking down the hallway with Wendy and brings his head down to pinch the bridge of his nose.]

STAN:  
[mutters] I swear... Every day since Kyle found my grave, I find myself spending more and more time with Wendy…

[After he softly groans, a gentle tapping grabs their attention and brings them to a halt.]

BUTTERS:  
[inside the locker] Huh-hello? Is-- Is suh-somebody out there?

STAN:  
[puzzled] Butters?

BUTTERS:  
[inside the locker] Suh-Stan? Oh, buh-boy! I shuh-sure am glad you came along!

WENDY:  
[puzzled] What are you doing inside a locker?

BUTTERS:  
[inside the locker] Guh-gee whiz, Suh-Stan! You sounded a lot like Wendy there fuh-for a second!

STAN:  
[annoyed] That’s because it was Wendy, Butters.

BUTTERS:  
[inside the locker] Oh! Wuh-well I was juh-just goin’ to class, muh-mindin’ my own buh-business, when Eric and Kuh-Craig--

STAN:  
[low] Cartman!

BUTTERS:  
[inside the locker] --came up behind me and stuh-stuffed me in here with shuh-shaving cream…

WENDY:  
[disgusted] Ew… Shaving cream?

BUTTERS:  
[inside the locker] Kuh-could ya let me out? Whuh-why, it’s awfully gooey in here…

STAN:  
Do you know the combination, Butters?

BUTTERS:  
[inside the locker] Uh… Nuh-no, I don’t, buh-but there’s no way I could reach the duh-dial from in here anyway…

[Stan and Wendy share annoyed looks until he sighs and she rolls her eyes.]

STAN:  
[annoyed] Hold on, dude. We’ll go get someone to get you out.

[Wendy holds out a hand to stop Stan from moving.]

WENDY:  
Wait, Stan. I think I might be able to get him out.

BUTTERS:  
[inside the locker] Really? Juh-gee whiz, that shuh-sure is awfully nice of you, Wendy.

[The girl sets her pack on the floor with a crazed smile and begins rummaging through it, tossing the unwanted objects to the floor around her. Stan quickly ducks with a cry to avoid a few CDs flying towards his head. Found amongst the objects on the floor are a pair of headphones, a DVD of Dawson’s Creek, a picture of Stan and Wendy holding hands and surrounded by little red crayon hearts, a metal baseball bat, an entire encyclopedia set, a hockey mask, an extra long crowbar, a book entitled “How to Win Back Your Man by Becoming a Sexy Bitch For Dummies”, a katana blade, a Chewbacca plushie, a set of nuclear missiles, and a make-up kit. Stan leans over Wendy’s shoulder to take a peek inside her backpack.]

STAN:  
[awestruck] Jesus Christ! How the hell do you fit all that crap in there and still manage to carry it?

[Wendy stops her searching to wink at Stan.]

WENDY:  
It’s my little secret. [squeals] Here it is!

[She pulls an extra large chainsaw from her pack and holds it up high as a comical triumphant fanfare sounds. After laughing maniacally for a moment, she grabs the nearby hockey mask and places it on her face.]

STAN:  
[puzzled] Uh… Wendy? You’re really starting to scare me…

WENDY:  
Shut up, Stan. Butters? You might want to squeeze as far away from the door as you possibly can.

BUTTERS:  
[inside the locker] Oh-okay…

STAN:  
[puzzled] I should back up, shouldn’t I?

[Wendy’s only reply is a tug on the pull chord on the chainsaw and more maniacal laughter.]

WENDY:  
[crazed] Tell me to control myself, will they?! I’ll show them!

[She brings the blade to the metal door of the locker to send sparks flying in the air with metallic screeching.]

WENDY:  
[crazed] I am woman! Here my chainsaw roar, fuckers! [laughs maniacally]

[SCENE: Fourth Grade Classroom  
All of the kids are seated in their seats and staring blankly ahead. Butters can be seen bearing bloody bandages and shaving cream all over his body.]

MR. GARRISON:  
[off screen] Okay, children--

[The camera angle changes to reveal Mr. Garrison writing the words “The Rolling Stones are big fat bitches” on the chalk board.]

MR. GARRISON:  
\--before we begin today’s lecture about Mick Jagger and how he’s an ugly, ugly son of a bitch with lips like a baboon’s ass, I have an announcement to make.

[When Mr. Garrison sets his chalk down, Cartman raises his hand.]

MR. GARRISON:  
Yes, Eric?

CARTMAN:  
Does it have anything to with the fact that Kyle is a dirty, dirty Jew and needs his balls kicked in?

KYLE:  
[pissed] Screw you, fat ass!

MR. GARRISON:  
[annoyed] For Christ’s sake, Eric, this has nothing to do with your little boyfriend!

KYLE/CARTMAN:  
[pissed] I’m not gay, god dammit! Especially with that fag!

MR. GARRISON:  
Anyway, we have a new student joining us tomorrow.

[The kids in the class all display various negative facial outtakes and groan loudly as well.]

KYLE:  
[annoyed] Another freakin’ new student? God! What the hell?!

CLYDE:  
Yeah!

MR. GARRISON:  
I know! I know! It seems like every week we get a new Gary-Stu Bluejeans or a Mary-Sue Hotpants. Like that girl who was savagely beaten with the ugly stick--

[Flashback]  
[Cut to the playground where Wendy is savagely beating a girl with a large oak branch. When she strikes the cowering girl, blood flies through the air.]

WENDY:  
[crazed] I’m the cute one! I’M THE CUTE ONE, GOD DAMMIT!!!

[End Flashback]

MR. GARRISON:  
\--that odd half-cat/half-human kid--

[Cut to a red humanoid feline in the back of the class.]

STIMPY:  
Dah… Would you like to see my nose goblins?

[He pulls out a mini coffee table and hugs it close to his chest.]

STIMPY:  
[beaming] I picked them myself…

[Mr. Garrison sighs and rolls his eyes.]

MR. GARRISON:  
\--and let’s not forget that pompous little anti-Christ from Rhode Island.

[Cut to a little kid with a football shaped head as he blows on his nails and wipes them on his coveralls.]

STEWIE:  
Yes. Well, how about you and your hand puppet blow me?

MR. GARRISON:  
So you see, children, I’m no more happier about it than you are.

[The kids groan.]

MR. GARRISON:  
We’re just gonna have to bite the penis and move on with our lives. Besides, she’s an exchange student, so she’ll only be around for a few months.

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] Aw! The new student’s a girl?! That’s just what we need around here; another god damned hippie bitch!

  
[SCENE: South Park Elementary Playground  
During the establishing shot, Craig and Terrence Mephisto are seen beating up Pip near the jungle gym. There is a close up of Stan on a swing as he writes something down in a pad of paper. Kyle and Cartman approach the scene, bickering and arguing as usual, with Kenny right on their heels.]

CARTMAN:  
Shut the hell up, Jew. You don’t know jack shit.

KYLE:  
Up yours, fat ass. [looks towards Stan] Hey, dude.

STAN:  
[continues writing] Hm.

CARTMAN:  
What the hell kinda faggy ass somethin’ you workin’ on now?

STAN:  
I’m making a list of all my friends.

[Irrelevant Cut Scene]  
[Cut to a grassy field where Stan is surrounded by a circle of kids.]

STAN:  
[beaming] My friends…

[He looks puzzled for a moment and approaches a kid with blonde hair.]

STAN:  
[puzzled] Who the hell are you, kid?

KID:  
[looks up] I’m Gary…the Mormon kid.

[There is a moment of silence before the information finally clicks in Stan’s brain.]

STAN:  
[pissed] Dude! You’re not my friend! Get the fuck outta here!

[End Irrelevant Cut Scene]

KYLE:  
A list of all your friends? Why?

STAN:  
‘Cause I’m bored and have nothing better to do.

CARTMAN:  
Ha! This proves it!

KYLE:  
[raises an eyebrow] Proves what, bitch tits?

[Cartman stares angrily at Kyle for a moment.]

CARTMAN:  
You know… Your god damn “bitch tits” remark just made me forget, asshole…

STAN:  
Sucks to be you, doesn’t it, bitch tits?

CARTMAN:  
Eat me, nut sack.

STAN:  
No, thanks. I’m on a no fat diet.

[As Stan, Kyle, and Kenny laugh, Cartman folds his arms across his chest and stares angrily at them.]

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] I’m not fat! I’m--

KYLE:  
“--big boned.” Yeah, yeah. We’ve heard you say it enough times already, tubby tummy.

[The three boys burst into laughter yet again.]

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] Tubby tum--?! Tubby tum--?! Geh…

[The fat boy turns around, screams loudly in frustration, and then walks off.]

STAN:  
Where’re you going, Cartman?

CARTMAN:  
I’m going to find-- [now off screen] --something beautiful and destroy it.

STAN:  
[rolls eyes] Whatever.

KYLE:  
So what’re you doing tomorrow on Valentine’s Day?

STAN:  
I haven’t decided yet. I may stay home and watch a “romantic” movie.

[Irrelevant Cut Scene]  
[Cut to Stan’s living room where he is sitting on the couch, watching television.]

FEMALE VOICE:  
[on the TV] Oh, Jack… I’m ready for you to draw me…

[Stan’s eyes get wide when the sounds of fabric moving are heard.]

MALE VOICE:  
[on the TV] Jesus, Rose… I know it’s the early 1900’s, but… GODDAMN!!! You’ve got some big ass titties! [meekly] Can I touch them?

STAN:  
[shocked] Dude!

FEMALE VOICE:  
[on the TV] Yes! Yes! Play with my boobs, Jack!

STAN:  
[shocked, higher in pitch] DUDE!

[End Irrelevant Cut Scene]

STAN:  
[thoughtful] On second thought, maybe not…

KYLE:  
[disturbed] ‘Kay… [normal] Well, being since we dislike girls--

KENNY:  
(Except me!)

KYLE:  
Except Kenny. --the rest of us boys agreed that after school we should throw snowballs at all of them. Y’know, the old tried and true standard. Cartman wants it to be like a Valentine’s Day massacre or something.

STAN:  
Sounds cool! Count me in!

KENNY:  
(And after you hurt the girls with snowballs, I’ll go in, pretending that I’m actually concerned for their well being, and make my move!)

KYLE:  
[disinterested] Yeah… You do that, Kenny.

WENDY:  
[off screen, screaming] What the fuck did I tell you about calling me “babe”, fat ass?!

[Cartman quickly comes running on screen with a frightened cry followed closely by Wendy and her gleaming metal baseball bat. While the boys watch with much amusement, she attempts to take a swing at the fat boy causing him to duck.]

CARTMAN:  
[frightened] Gah! Sonova bitch! Stan! Call off your fuckin’ hippie girlfriend!

STAN:  
[pissed] She’s NOT my girlfriend, fat ass.

[Cartman runs to the brick walled perimeter of the playground and tries to quickly climb over with a few grunts.]

WENDY:  
[screaming] Call me beautiful and threaten to kill me in the same sentence, will you, fat ass?!

[She cocks back and throws the bat like a boomerang. Cut briefly to the three boys’ eyes following it as it soars through the air--]

STAN:  
[low] Oh, shit…

KYLE:  
[low] Cartman’s fucked…

[--before finally striking Cartman in the back of the head just before he is about to make it over the wall. He flips over the brick fence and lands on the ground on the other side with a loud thud. Little birdies fly around his head as his eyes roll around their sockets in circles.]

CARTMAN:  
[dazed, stupidly] Daaaahhh… Wow, you gahs… Waaahhh, look at duh leetle birdies…

[Cutting to Cartman’s point of view reveals upside-down Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Wendy peeking over the wall to look down at him.]

STAN:  
Jesus tap dancing Christ, Wendy! I think you killed him!

KENNY:  
[pointing] (You bitch!)

WENDY:  
But--

KYLE:  
Cartman, you okay?

CARTMAN:  
[dazed] Are you Sarah Michelle Gellar?

KYLE:  
[holds up two fingers] How many fingers am I holding up, Cartman?

CARTMAN:  
[dazed] Daaaahhh… You stupid sexy bitch! What thuuhh hell were you thinkin’ when you agreed to do Scooby-Doo? That movie sucked balls!

KYLE:  
[raises an eyebrow, confused] Uh…

STAN:  
[beaming] Aw, dude, he’s okay!

WENDY:  
What makes you say that?

STAN:  
[pissed] Scooby-Doo did suck balls!

KENNY:  
(That chick can suck my balls any day!)

[The other kids groan and hop down from the wall.]

KENNY:  
(What?)

  
[SCENE: Wal-Mark Discount Greeting Cards Super Center  
The four boys stop at the entrance where a hanging sign reads “New! Ren and Stimpy themed Valentine’s Day cards now in! Show her how much you love her with ‘I LOVE YOU’ spelled out with hairballs!” Cartman looks around confused before giving Stan an annoyed look.]

CARTMAN:  
[annoyed] This… This is the “fun ass” place you were tellin’ me about? What the hell is this debauchery?!

STAN:  
Dude, I’ll just be a second.

CARTMAN:  
“Just a second” my tubby ass! [pauses] Heh heh. I called myself “tubby”.

STAN:  
Look, dude. It’s real simple. I’m gonna go in, get Wendy a Valentine’s Day card, and come right back out.

KYLE:  
[shocked] You’re gonna get who a what?! I thought you said it was over?

STAN:  
It is.

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] Then why’re you bending over backwards for that dumb bitch?

STAN:  
Because we’re--

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] You’re what? Just friends? Oh, wait! I’m sorry, stupid ass. The correct answer is: because you-- [imitates quotation marks] --“love” her.

[Stan looks to Kyle for support.]

STAN:  
Kyle…

KYLE:  
Dude, I think I’m with Cartman on this one.

STAN:  
But we’re just friends!

CARTMAN:  
[laughs] Oh ho! Keep telling yerself that, dude. But I saw what you were doing with her at Stark’s Pond after you told her off, asshole!

STAN:  
Oh, yeah? What’d I do, fat ass?

[Irrelevant Flashback]  
[Cut to a snowy and frozen over Stark’s Pond.]

WENDY:  
[off screen, gasps] Oh, Stan…

STAN:  
[off screen, sighs] Wendy… Are you ready?

WENDY:  
[off screen, gasping] Oh, yes… Yes!

STAN:  
[off screen] Okay… Don’t move.

[There is silence for a moment.]

WENDY:  
[off screen, giggles] Hee! It tickles!

[After cutting to where Stan and Wendy are, he steps back away from her as a squirrel crawls around her body.]

WENDY:  
[giggling] Oh, my god! This feels so weird!

[The squirrel crawls down to her pants and squeezes beneath them causing Wendy to go wide eyed and start squirming around.]

WENDY:  
[freaking out] Oh, god! It’s in my pants! [screaming] It’s in my pants! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT!!!

[End Irrelevant Flashback]  
[Stan gives Cartman an annoyed look.]

STAN:  
You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, dude.

CARTMAN:  
[grins] Okay, okay. Maybe I exaggerated the truth a little. But that’s why we have Kyle here! [hugs Kyle with one arm] Right, Kyle?

KYLE:  
[blankly stares at Cartman] Don’t touch me.

CARTMAN:  
[winks] Why don’t you tell our little friend Stan what we saw at Stark’s Pond?

KYLE:  
[guiltily, sighs] You put her arm around her and held her hand. [low] Sorry, dude.

STAN:  
But she needed someone to talk to. She was confused and needed someone to help her out!

CARTMAN:  
See? You tell us “we just talked”, but me ‘n Kyle saw different! We were there, ass monkey!

STAN:  
[pissed] Yeah! Spying!

KENNY:  
[puzzled] (Wait… Stan and Wendy got intimate at Stark’s Pond?! Where the hell was I?!)

KYLE:  
You were too busy watching two dogs have sex behind Tom’s Rhinoplasty. It seemed like a better use of your time.

KENNY:  
(Fuck!)

STAN:  
I’m telling you, assholes! There’s nothing between us! It’s over!

CARTMAN:  
[calmly] So…who are you tryin’ to convince? Us? [points at Stan] Or you?

[The other three boys blink in surprise and stare at Cartman with awe.]

STAN:  
[low] Me… [normal] Jesus… I’ve been in denial this whole time!

[Stan places his hands on Cartman’s shoulders and smiles brightly.]

STAN:  
Cartman, I hate to say this, but…thank you.

CARTMAN:  
For what? Showin’ you the light? [laughs] I don’t give a rat’s ass about you or your pussy feelings for some stupid bitch.

STAN:  
[pissed] What?

CARTMAN:  
I just wanted to see the look on your face when you realized that you were bein’ a lyin’ little bitch about the whole thing. [laughs] And it was priceless!

[The other three kids adopt annoyed looks as Stan takes a step backwards towards the store’s doors.]

STAN:  
That’s it. I’m out. I no longer care about what you think, fat ass.

[When Stan enters the building, the remaining two glare at Cartman.]

CARTMAN:  
What the hell are you assholes lookin’ at?

KYLE:  
[annoyed] You’re such a cold hearted bastard, Cartman.

CARTMAN:  
[beaming] I know! Isn’t it great?

  
[SCENE: Inside Wal-Mark  
Stan has wandered into an overstocked Valentine’s section. Overwhelmed by the vast amount of choices, he stares, frustrated.]

STAN:  
[muttering] Dammit. I’m gonna be here all night.

[The others walk up and adopt looks of awe, with the exception of Cartman who looks around and yawns.]

KYLE:  
Jesus! Look at all this crap!

CARTMAN:  
Yeah, such a waste of perfectly good wood…

KYLE:  
[raises an eyebrow] Since when did you care about the environment?

CARTMAN:  
Who said I give a rat’s ass about that? All this Valentine’s crap could’ve been used to make freakin’ toilet paper!

STAN:  
[annoyed] Do we even want to know about that?

CARTMAN:  
Depends on whether or not you guys decide to have tacos the next time someone has a sleep-over.

KYLE:  
[disgusted] Dude!

STAN:  
Well, let’s get started.

CARTMAN:  
Who said I’m helping?

STAN:  
C’mon, dude! It’ll take me forever to find the perfect card for her.

[There is a pause before Cartman extends a hand, palm side up, towards Stan.]

CARTMAN:  
Five bucks.

[Stan looks at Cartman’s hand for a moment.]

STAN:  
I’ll let you put rocks in a snowball and throw it at me.

[There is a pause as Cartman retracts his hand and stares at Stan.]

CARTMAN:  
[excited] Okay!

[He pulls a giant snow covered rock from nowhere and throws it at Stan who is crushed to the floor by its immense size.]

CARTMAN:  
[smugly] I was gonna do that anyway, but I’ll call it a deal.

[Cutting to some time later, finds the exhausted looking boys weakly searching the racks for the perfect Valentine’s Day card. Suddenly, Kenny squeals like a little girl and begins jumping up and down in excitement.]

KENNY:  
[excitedly] (Guys! GUYS!!! I think I found a good one!)

[The other boys drop whatever it is they have in their hands to the floor, with Cartman’s heart shaped glass vase shattering with a loud crash, and rush over to the hooded boy.]

STAN:  
[eagerly] Let’s hear it, Ken.

KENNY:  
[reading] (“Girl, every time I think of you, I think of the one thing I care about the most…”)

[He opens up the card to the camera revealing a scantily clad young girl with impossibly large breasts.]

KENNY:  
(“Tits!”)

[The other boys blink in shock for a moment before Stan adopts an annoyed expression, Kyle’s jaw drops in shock, and Cartman slowly pulls his hands over his groin area.]

CARTMAN:  
[low] You guys… I think my fireman’s excited again…

STAN:  
Uh, Kenny? I don’t think I’m gonna get Wendy that card. Ever.

[Kenny, dejected, puts the card back with a sigh of disappointment. Kyle shakes his head and turns back to the card rack to resume his search. After a moment, he looks up when the door chimes, signifying that someone had either entered or exited the store.]

YOUNG GIRL:  
[off screen, faintly] Konnichiha!

[After Kyle raises an eyebrow and peaks around the corner, the camera cuts to his point of view to show a young Japanese girl, clad in a light blue kimono tied tight around her with a pink bowed ribbon nestled at the small of her back, conversing with the clerk. Kyle looks confused for a moment and cocks his head to the side.]

KYLE:  
[low, puzzled] How the hell does she get her hair to stay up in a spiky ponytail like that with just pencils?

[The girl turns her head to look when the clerk points in Kyle’s direction. The two make eye contact for a moment before the he quickly darts his head back around behind the card rack.]

KYLE:  
[low] Wow… She’s pretty. [raises an eyebrow in confusion] Did I just say that?

[There is a whooshing of air sound effect and the camera zooms out a bit to reveal the girl standing directly next to Kyle. He stares at her, confused out of his mind, until she speaks.]

YOUNG GIRL:  
[nervously] Oyamaa… Kuh-Kyle Broflovski-kun?

[Kyle’s eyes roll to the back of his head and he falls forward with the clattering of metal pans on a concrete floor. She brings a hand to her mouth in shock and stares down until Kyle stands back up and grins awkwardly. She grins a large anime like smile before looking confused. She pulls a large and thick blue book from mid-air and opens it. She skims though the pages before she finds what it is that she is looking for.]

YOUNG GIRL:  
[reading] My sink is hard and I need you to beat it, gingerly, with a plastic sheep.

KYLE:  
[puzzled] Say, what?

[Elsewhere, Stan puts a card back in its proper place and then turns to look at Cartman and Kenny.]

STAN:  
I think I’ll take the cheap and more romantic way out and just make a card out of construction paper.

CARTMAN:  
[scoffs] If you were my boyfriend, I’d SO kick you in the nuts for that.

KENNY:  
(You dream about cocks at night, don’t you, Cartman?)

[After cutting back to Kyle and his new friend, the girl’s puzzled expression grows broader before she consults her book once again.]

YOUNG GIRL:  
[reading] Eeto… My cigars taste like a business spider, you big poofter. Where can I eat metal and find a man to cut the infection off my…penis?

KYLE:  
[shocked, puzzled] I’m really sorry, but I have no idea what you just said.

[The girl glares at her possession for a brief moment before tossing it over her shoulder.]

YOUNG GIRL:  
[pissed] Kami shimatta!

[There is a thud and a screeching cat.]

YOUNG GIRL:  
[pissed] That is the last time I buy a translation book from the airport!

[As Kyle raises an eyebrow in confusion, the scene catches the attention of the other three boys.]

CARTMAN:  
[shocked] Holy shit! It’s a real live chink!

STAN:  
Dude! That’s not cool!

KENNY:  
(Yeah! She’s frickin’ hot!)

[The girl looks over at the boys with a nonchalant look until she quickly draws one of the twin short swords strapped to her back, runs up to Cartman, grabs him by the back of the head, and poises said sword directly near his throat.]

STAN/KENNY:  
Hey, cool!

YOUNG GIRL:  
[pissed] I am not of the Chinese, baka! Use that American’s insult once more and I will end your life.

KYLE:  
[blinking in surprise] You DO speak English! And quite well, too!

[Cartman gives the tempered steel of the sword a frightened glance before looking angrily towards Kyle.]

CARTMAN:  
[frantically] My precious life is being threatened here and all you frickin’ care about is whether or not this bitch can talk?! What the hell is wrong with you?!

[The girl jerks his head back to expose more of his throat.]

STAN:  
[low, to Kenny] Heh. Now this is entertainment.

CARTMAN:  
[voice cracking] All right! I’m sorry! I won’t say it ever again!

YOUNG GIRL:  
What won’t you say, himanshita oshiri?

CARTMAN:  
[voice cracking] Eeee! I won’t call you a chink!

YOUNG GIRL:  
How often will you call me that?

CARTMAN:  
[extremely high pitched] Nuh-never!

[The girl removes her hand and sword from Cartman’s person. As her sword returns to its sheath, her lips scrunch up to one side of her face in an odd frown.]

YOUNG GIRL:  
Watashi wa ureshii desu. I will hold you to your word, himanshita oshiri.

[Cartman opens his mouth as if to speak, but quickly shuts it to instead opt to rub his neck.]

STAN:  
Wow! You kick ass! Are you the new exchange student?

[The girl flushes bright red and quickly bows respectfully.]

YOUNG GIRL:  
[bashfully] I am. Hee! [smiles anime-ishly] If I may, I am seeking Kyle Broflovski-kun.

KYLE:  
[bashfully raises a hand] That’s me.

YOUNG GIRL:  
[bashfully] Oyamaa… Your parents sent me to find you, so that you may escort me around South Park. [flushes red] Hee! I almost lost my way trying to find you…

CARTMAN:  
[rolls eyes, mutters] Oh, boo hoo hoo, bitch.

KYLE:  
[puzzled] Wait… What do my parents have to do with anything?

[The girl bashfully turns her head to avoid eye contact.]

YOUNG GIRL:  
[bashfully] I… I am to be living with you and your ichizoku for the duration of my learning here.

KENNY:  
[stunned] (You lucky bastard…)

KYLE:  
[stunned] Who…what?!

YOUNG GIRL:  
Oyamaa… They did not tell you?

[Kyle adopts a thinking expression as the entire screen starts to waver like ripples on water’s surface.]

KYLE:  
[puzzled] Uh…

[Flashback]  
[Kyle is sitting on the couch in his living room and playing a video game of some sort. Catchy orchestral music is heard coming from the TV.]

TV:  
Hey!

KYLE:  
[pissed] God dammit! Shut up, you stupid fairy!

[His mother Sheila enters the room and stands off to the side.]

SHEILA:  
Kyle, bubulah, we just got a call from your school counselor. He wants us to be the host family for a foreign exchange student from Japan!

KYLE:  
[not paying attention] Yeah, that’s cool, mom.

[She stares at him for a moment before shrugging and walking off.]

TV:  
Look! Listen!

KYLE:  
[pissed] Will you do something other than piss me off?! God damn, I HATE fairies!

[End Flashback]  
[Kyle blinks in confusion and then shrugs.]

KYLE:  
No, I guess they didn’t.

STAN:  
What’s your name?

YOUNG GIRL:  
[blushing] Oyamaa! I am sorry. I should introduce myself. [bows] Watashi wa Kisaragi Eiko desu.

[The four boys give each other confused looks.]

KYLE:  
[confused] ‘Kay… I DIDN’T understand that…

STAN:  
[blinks] Uh… I’m Stan Marsh. [points to Kenny] This is Kenny McCormick--

KENNY:  
[dreamily] (You can just call me yours…)

STAN:  
[points to Cartman] --and this is the fat ass.

CARTMAN:  
[scoffs] Ay! Eric Cartman, god dammit! I do have a name, asshole!

  
[SCENE: Outside Kyle’s House - Night  
As the stars twinkle in the sky up above, Kyle and his new friend Eiko stop at the front door and turn to regard each other.]

KYLE:  
Annnnd…that’s the town. Any questions?

EIKO:  
[smiles anime-ishly] It seems so lovely at night here.

KYLE:  
[shrugs] Eh. South Park ain’t so bad. [mutters] That is until someone or something tries to wipe us off the face of the Earth…

EIKO:  
[puzzled] Nani?

KYLE:  
[confused] What?

EIKO:  
Hai.

KYLE:  
[confused] Wha…?

EIKO:  
That is what I asked…

KYLE:  
You asked what now?

EIKO:  
Hai.

KYLE:  
I’m confused…

EIKO:  
[giggles] It is not important, Kairu.

[She bows deeply and then enters the house, leaving Kyle staring at the open doorway.]

KYLE:  
[raises an eyebrow, voiceover] Wow… That ribbon sure does make her look downright cute. [grins dreamily] And the way she said my name… I’d so like to have my way with her… [speaking, shocked] Oh, god! I’m starting to sound like Kenny!

EIKO:  
[off screen] Kairu-kun! What are you doing?

[Cutting to the living room finds Sheila and Gerald watching TV as Kyle and Eiko enter.]

TV:  
Shut up, you fat bloated eediot! Dah…okay, Ren…

SHEILA:  
Oh, there you two are.

IKE:  
[off screen] Kyle!

SHEILA:  
What do you think of our little town, Eiko?

EIKO:  
[bows] Oyamaa! It is wonderful, Mrs. Broflovski-chan! I am glad that I came here instead of Denver! It is like I never left my grandfather’s temple in the mountains!

SHEILA:  
Oh, is that a fact? Could you tell us about it, dear?

EIKO:  
[excitedly] Hai, obasan! It is a small old temple made of wood and stone, surrounded entirely by trees and enzan! And in the spring time, the trees bloom with many pink flowers! [hugs herself] Oyamaa…

SHEILA:  
Oh, it sounds lovely! Gerald, we must visit Japan sometime.

GERALD:  
[not paying attention] Mmm hmm.

[When Eiko kneels down in front of the couch Kyle sits down next to her.]

KYLE:  
What are your parents like, Eiko?

EIKO:  
[downcast, sighs] I do not know… They died when I was younger.

KYLE:  
I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have asked…

EIKO:  
It is all right. I have my grandfather. [grins] That is enough for me to be happy.

[There is a slight silence for a moment.]

TV:  
Dah… Ren, I just want everyone to know the greatness of MY nipples!

[When Gerald points and laughs at the television, the other three look at him for a moment before returning back to their conversation.]

SHEILA:  
Tell us more about your homeland, Eiko.

EIKO:  
[eagerly] Hai, obasan!

  
[SCENE: Stan’s House - Night  
During the establishing shot, a satellite labeled “Cingular Wireless” falls from the sky and crushes the car in the driveway, causing the car alarm to go off loudly.]

SHARON:  
[voiceover] Good night, Stanley!

[Randy sticks his head out of one of the windows, points a remote at the crushed car, and turns off the alarm with a “bip boop” noise.]

STAN:  
[voiceover] Good night, Mom.

[Cutting to Stan’s dark room reveals him tossing and turning in his bed.]

STAN:  
[mumbles] Ugh. I can’t believe that Cartman was right. [rolls over] But, still, I can’t just take her back. What if…? What if it happens all over again?

[Irrelevant Cut Scene]  
[Once again, Stan is standing outside Wendy’s house and blaring Peter Gabriel’s “Shock the Monkey” from the boombox held over his head. Wendy, looking out of her bedroom window, looks down at him guiltily until Cartman shoves her out of the way, gives Stan the finger, and roughly closes the curtain. Stan drops the boombox and stares up at the window in shock.]

STAN:  
[shocked] What the fuck? Cartman?!

[End Irrelevant Cut Scene]  
[*Tink* Stan quickly sits up to find the source of the noise.]

STAN:  
What the hell was that? *Tink* There it is again!

[Outside below Stan’s bedroom window, Wendy is throwing pebbles up at the glass. When he opens the window to look down, he gets whacked in the forehead with a decently sized rock and is sent back into the room and presumably to the floor.]

STAN:  
[off screen, faintly] Ow! Shit!

WENDY:  
Oh, god! I’m sorry, Stan!

[Stan sticks his head out of the window again and gingerly rubs the smarting area.]

STAN:  
[hushed] Shhhh! You wake my sister and we’ll both be paying for it!

WENDY:  
[hushed] Sorry…

STAN:  
[hushed] S’okay… What’s up?

WENDY:  
[hushed] We need to talk.

STAN:  
[hushed] Now? It’s the middle of the night.

WENDY:  
[hushed] Yes, now, Stan.

STAN:  
[hushed] Alright. Hold on.

[After Stan disappears into the darkness of his room for a moment, he reappears with his coat unbuttoned and his hat crooked.]

STAN:  
[hushed] I’m coming down.

WENDY:  
[hushed] Be careful.

[Stan climbs out of his window and attempts to scale down the side of the house. About halfway down, he slips off and screams as he falls into a conveniently placed snow drift. Wendy screams his name and quickly runs to said snow drift to dig him out. A moment later, she jumps back in surprise when a hatless Stan pokes his head out of the drift and spits out snow.]

STAN:  
[hushed] Jesus!

[A light in one of the other windows turns on moments before Randy sticks his head out into the cold air.]

RANDY:  
Stanley, use the front door the next time you sneak out of the house to have freaky sex with your ex-girlfriend.

[Stan and Wendy share a shocked glance to each other.]

STAN:  
[high pitched] Dude!

  
[SCENE: Hallway in Kyle’s House  
A sleepy Kyle opens the door to his bedroom and yawns. Sheila comes up behind and prevents him from entering.]

SHEILA:  
Oh, no, bubby! You’re sleeping in Ike’s room tonight!

IKE:  
[off screen, loudly] Kukenshane!

KYLE:  
What?! Why?

SHEILA:  
Eiko is going to sleep in your room until we can come up with better sleeping arrangements.

KYLE:  
But I can sleep on the floor, Ma! I’ve done it at Stan’s lots of times!

SHEILA:  
[miffed] Kyle, little girls need their privacy.

KYLE:  
Aww! But don’t you remember the last time I had to sleep in Ike’s room?

[Irrelevant Cut Scene]  
[Kyle and Ike are sleeping soundly in the bed.]

IKE:  
[sleep-talking, loudly] And today the prices of real estate in Park County rose two thousand dollars.

KYLE:  
[opens an eye, tiredly] Ike, go to sleep.

IKE:  
[sleep-talking, loudly] Park County hasn’t seen real estate inflation like that in over sixty years.

KYLE:  
[tiredly, pissed] I said go to sleep, Ike!

[Ike reaches over, grabs a large book, and smashes Kyle in the face with it. When Ike tosses the book to the floor, Kyle smiles a dazed and goofy grin and loses several of his teeth with a breaking of glass sound effect.]  
[End Irrelevant Cut Scene]

SHEILA:  
Oh, you’ll be fine, bubulah.

[When Eiko steps in front of Kyle and bows to Sheila, his eyes travel downwards to stare.]

EIKO:  
Obasan, it is my first night in a new place. I would be honored if you would allow Kairu-kun and I to share the same room.

SHEILA:  
I don’t know… Kyle can be a little bastard when he wants to-- Kyle!

[Kyle jumps and flushes red.]

KYLE:  
I promise I’ll be good, Mom!

EIKO:  
Hai! And if you are not, I will cut your hands off and beat you with them.

[Kyle takes a frightened step back into his room.]

EIKO:  
Oyamaa! We are going to have so much fun! Ii desu ne, Kairu-kun!

  
[SCENE: Main Street - Night  
A silhouette of Wendy runs down the dark snowy street until she skids to a halt with a screeching of tires sound effect and turns to look back.]

WENDY:  
[waving, hushed] Come on, Stan!

[When she runs off screen, a slow moving Stan silhouette walks on.]

STAN:  
[hushed] Wendy! Wait up! I think I hurt my leg when I fell!

[He trips over his own feet and falls roughly to the ground.]

STAN:  
[pained] Ow! God dammit! Wendy!

  
[SCENE: Kyle’s Bedroom  
In the darkened room, Eiko is sleeping soundly on the bed while a restless Kyle rolls around in a Terrance and Phillip sleeping bag. The screen wavers with the stereotypical dream sequence marker.]

[Dream Sequence]  
[Kyle and Eiko are now getting ready for bed. Kyle pulls off his jacket, neatly folds it, and jumps up to place it on his dresser. Eiko, with her back to Kyle and the camera, undoes the ribbon around her waist with a simple tug and allows the kimono to slide off her shoulders and to the floor. As Kyle stares with bugged out eyes, she looks at him over her shoulder, winks, and takes the pencils out of her hair, allowing it to fall past the small of her back.]

EIKO:  
[seductively] Do you like what you see, Kyle?

[Kyle only nods stupidly.]

EIKO:  
[winks, seductively] Would you like to see more?

[Again, Kyle nods stupidly, but this time with a drop of spittle falling from his mouth. Eiko crouches down and retrieves some items from the floor. When she turns around, she is holding two large Nerf balls over her chest and stuffed beaver plushie below her belly button.]

EIKO:  
[sensually] Happy Valentine’s Day, Kyle…

[Just as she is about to toss the items, the dream sequence ends with Kyle sitting up in his sleeping bag.]  
[End Dream Sequence]

[Kyle wipes his brow and sighs.]

KYLE:  
[hushed] Christ! That was frea--

[Puzzled, he gingerly lifts up the top half of his sleeping bag to look under.]

KYLE:  
[hushed] What the hell is this goo on my pajamas?

  
[SCENE: Stark’s Pond  
Stan and Wendy, sitting together on a snow covered log, stare out at the frozen pond. Stan picks a rock up off the ground and throws it towards the large sheet of ice. The frozen water cracks where it was struck as the rock continues bouncing along to the pond’s other bank.]

STAN:  
So…what did you want to talk about?

[He throws another rock towards the crack in the ice, but misses entirely and creates another crack nearby. He looks to Wendy when she doesn’t respond.]

STAN:  
Wendy?

WENDY:  
[downcast] Stan, I know you don’t feel strongly for me anymore, but…I have to tell you something…because I’ll go crazy if I don’t.

[Stan cocks his arm back and throws another rock, this time striking the first crack he created and puncturing a hole in the ice.]

STAN:  
You’re back with Token?

WENDY:  
What? No!

STAN:  
You have a crush on Kyle?

WENDY:  
Stan…

STAN:  
Heh. I actually was wondering when that would happen. I mean, you guys have so much in common…

WENDY:  
Just… Stan, just stop.

STAN:  
I’m sorry… I’ll stop being stupid.

[Wendy leans over and hugs Stan tightly.]

WENDY:  
Stan, I… I love you…

[He stares at her with a sad look for a moment before sighing and shaking his head.]

STAN:  
I’m sorry, Wendy, but…

[Wendy, with tears in her eyes, puts a hand to her mouth.]

WENDY:  
No… Stan… Don’t say that.

[He turns away and wipes his own tears from his eyes. He cocks his arm back and throws yet another rock at the pond, this time striking an area between the two cracks he had already made.]

STAN:  
I’m sorry, Wendy, but…I need some more time. You betrayed me. I can’t just take you back like nothing happened.

[He cocks his arm back one final time and throws a decently sized rock at the now weak sheet of ice. After being struck, the ice shatters to pieces and mini icebergs begin floating on the water’s rippling surface.]

[She grabs his arm and lightly shakes him.]

WENDY:  
[crying] But-- Stan!

[He smiles sadly at her and reaches into his coat to produce a red envelope, simply labeled with blue crayon “To Wendy”.]

STAN:  
I was gonna wait until tomorrow to give it to you, but… Here. Maybe it’ll help you understand.

[As Wendy takes the envelope from Stan, the dark clouds up above open and allow the snow to slowly fall upon the two, the pond, and everything around. She cradles her valentine close to her heart.]

STAN:  
I have to go now, Wendy.

[He gets up and takes a few steps away but then stops and turns to look back.]

STAN:  
Please… Understand my feelings on this.

[As Stan slowly walks out of the scene, Wendy sniffles and wipes her tears on her purple coat sleeve. She takes her valentine and gingerly opens it to only pull out a single piece of folded construction paper. Not finding anything at first, she unfolds it to find a drawing of two stick figures, one blue and the other purple, holding hands, and surrounded by little red hearts. Below the drawing, written in alternating blue and purple letters, are the words “I STILL LOVE YOU”. A mixed look of crazed happiness and extreme sadness crosses Wendy’s face before she drops the card, covers her face with her hands, and cries.]

  
[SCENE: Kyle’s House - Morning of Valentine’s Day  
When Kyle and Eiko enter the kitchen, he grabs a chair from the table and drags it over to the nearby counter. He uses the chair to climb up on the counter and peer into the cupboards above. Inside, several kinds of cereal can be seen; “Terrance and Phillip Farty-o’s”, “Link’s Lucky Charms - Comes with a free replica of the Master Sword!”, “Generic Puffs”, “Powdered Toast”, and lastly “Sugar Frosted Sugar Lumps”.]

KYLE:  
So what kind of cereal do you want?

EIKO:  
[puzzled] You mean…I may choose what I eat for breakfast?

KYLE:  
Well, yeah. Uh, I mean, isn’t that what you do in Japan?

EIKO:  
My grandfather usually prepares for me a few different kinds of fruit and a glass of milk.

KYLE:  
Huh. Well, today you can have whatever you want!

EIKO:  
[eagerly] Really, Kairu?

KYLE:  
[beaming] Sure! You name it, you got it! I’ll even make it for you!

EIKO:  
[dreamily] Today, I would like…frozen waffles…with lots of maple syrup…and a cup of saki!

KYLE:  
Well, I dunno about this…sahkee stuff, but we got lots of waffles!

[After grabbing a box of “Terrance and Phillip Farty-o’s” and setting it on the counter, he jumps down off the counter and pushes the chair up to the refrigerator. He climbs the chair once again, puts his hand on the freezer door, but hesitates in opening it.]

EIKO:  
[concerned] What is the matter, Kairu?

KYLE:  
It’s just that after last time, I’m a little cautious when opening the freezer.

EIKO:  
[concerned] Did…something bad happen?

[Flashback]  
[Kyle is standing on a chair with his hand poised over the freezer door’s handle.]

KYLE:  
[licking his lips] Neapolitan ice cream…prepare yourself…for my stomach!

[Suddenly, the freezer door flies open and a big green pulsating tentacle latches itself to Kyle’s face.]

FREEZER CREATURE:  
C’mon, Kyle! Feed me!

KYLE:  
[screaming] Daaaad! Aunt Marsha’s fruit cake is trying to EAT ME!!!

[Gerald runs in wielding an ice pick and proceeds to repeatedly stab the tentacle with the sharp end.]

GERALD:  
Let go of my son, you bastard!

[End Flashback]

  
[SCENE: The Fourth Grade Classroom  
All the kids sans Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman are seated at their desks. Hearts, Cupids, bows and heart arrows, and red, pink, and white streamers cover nearly every inch of the wall and ceiling. A worried looking Wendy leans over, pokes a reading Bebe--]

WENDY:  
[hushed] Bebe.

[--gets agitated when she is ignored--]

WENDY:  
[pokes again, pissed] Bebe!

[--and finally pulls out a plastic wiffle bat to strike the other girl in the back of the head for not paying attention.]

BEBE:  
[squeals in pain] Ow! Wendy!

WENDY:  
[pissed] Pay attention, Bebe!

[The blonde rubs the back of her head where she was struck and warily eyes the other girl.]

BEBE:  
[pained] I am! I am! What’s the matter?

WENDY:  
Bebe, I couldn’t stop thinking last night… What if…

[Wendy grabs Bebe by her collar and slowly leans across the aisle until her nose is touching the other’s.]

WENDY:  
[wide eyed] What if this foreign exchange student tries to take Stan away from me?

[Bebe blinks in surprise before breaking her friend’s grip and sitting back properly in her seat.]

BEBE:  
Technically, Wendy, she wouldn’t be taking him away from you.

WENDY:  
[whining] Yes, she would!

BEBE:  
[rolls eyes, sighs] You need to stop being high strung about this Stan business, girl. If he seriously wants you back, he’d have taken you back by now.

WENDY:  
[downcast] I know…

[After a lighted lightbulb appears over Bebe’s head, she reaches up and pulls its chain to turn it off and send it disappearing in a puff of smoke.]

BEBE:  
[brightly] I know! If she does anything to Stan, we can do to her what we did to the last foreign exchange student.

[Irrelevant Cut Scene]  
[A dark figure runs quickly through a large sewer pipe. Sounds of running and splashing water fill the confined air space.]

WENDY:  
[off screen, shouting] There he is! Get him!

[The running figure stops at the end of the pipe and nearly falls out to the rocky water several hundred feet below. A spotlight shines on him revealing the figure to be a shackled Christoph the Mole. He looks at the camera with a bewildered expression and then looks back towards the pipe opening.]

WENDY:  
[off screen, menacingly] We got you now, Christoph.

[Wendy and Bebe, each armed with a pistol, step in front of the camera.]

THE MOLE:  
[pissed] Back off, mon ami! I deed nozeeng wrong!

[Bebe pulls out a manila folder and waves it at him.]

BEBE:  
On the contrary, we have photographic proof of you trying to steal MY Kyle away, attempting to beat Stan with a shovel--

WENDY:  
\--killing Kenny unmercifully--

BEBE:  
[hateful] You bastard.

WENDY:  
\--tricking Cartman into thinking that a stick of dynamite was a sausage--

BEBE:  
\--and do we even have to mention what you did to poor Butters?

[Wendy shakingly aims her pistol at the Mole.]

WENDY:  
I should drop you right here, righ--

[The Mole quickly spins around and leaps out of the pipe.]

THE MOLE:  
[shouting] You weell nevair catch ze Mole, beetches!

[After cutting to a camera positioned underneath the protruding pipe, the boy screams and plummets downwards. His scream silences after a squishy thud is heard and blood flies across the screen. Wendy and Bebe lean over the edge of the pipe to look down.]

BEBE:  
Wow… Impaled on a rock. What a way to go…

WENDY:  
[spits over the edge] Serves him right…that godless French bastard.

BEBE:  
I just had a thought. What if it really wasn’t him?

[End Irrelevant Cut Scene]

WENDY:  
[grins brightly] I like the soun--

[The two look up when a girlish squeal is heard along with Cartman’s harsh laughter. The camera changes angles to the door where Cartman clutches an empty bucket and dances victoriously around a wet Eiko.]

CARTMAN:  
[laughing] Aha! Take that, chink!

[The shocked Eiko slings water off her arms and hands and glares at the fat boy.]

EIKO:  
[pissed] Hiretsuken.

[Cartman turns around, wiggles his behind at her, and then flips her the finger.]

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] Yer not welcome here, chink-bitch! So kiss my ass, go fuck yerself, and then get the hell outta my country.

[Stan walks in the room, stops next to Cartman, and smacks him in the back of the head to send him doubling over in pain.]

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] Ow! Don’t hit me for expressin’ my opinions!

STAN:  
[shrugs] I just hit you ‘cause you’re a fat ass. Your opinions had nothing to do with it.

[Kenny appears on the other side of Cartman and smacks him on the back of the head.]

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] Gah! What the hell was that for, asshole?!

KENNY:  
[shrugs] (I just felt like smacking you.)

[Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave enter the room and shoo the kids to their seats.]

MR. GARRISON:  
All right, boys. If you want to keep smackin’ each other, then I can have Mr. Slave pull his hot pants down and you can take turns smackin’ his ass.

MR. SLAVE:  
[orgasmically] Ooohhh! That sounds like fun! Jesus Christ!

[Stan and Kenny, now seated, glance briefly at each other.]

STAN:  
Uh, no thanks. We’d rather smack Cartman.

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] Ay!

MR. GARRISON:  
You know, that doesn’t sound like that bad of an idea.

[Mr. Garrison walks up to Cartman’s desk and smacks the boy on the back of the head.]

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] Ow! God dammit! Why the hell is everyone smacking me?!

MR. GARRISON:  
Because you’re a little faggot wannabe, Eric.

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] Ay!

MR. GARRISON:  
Now, children, before we-- [blinks] Where the hell is Kyle?

STAN:  
[raises his hand] Cartman covered him in pig’s blood at the bus stop--

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] Ay! I told ‘im not to stand there!

STAN:  
\--so he had to go home to change clothes.

MR. GARRISON:  
Eric, how many times have we told you to NOT cover the Jewish community of South Park with pig’s blood?

CARTMAN:  
Ay! He stood under the bucket! I told ‘im not to, but the dumb Jew did it anyway!

EIKO:  
Erikku, you are a ketsunoana. [huffs]

CARTMAN:  
[confused] What in the living hell is that? Speak American, bitch!

[The classroom door opens and in walks an angry looking Kyle. On his way to his seat next to Eiko and Stan, he hands a note to Mr. Garrison, who takes the paper and silently reads it.]

KYLE:  
[pissed] I should kick your ass, Cartman.

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] For the last god damn time, I told your dumb ass not to stand there.

MR. GARRISON:  
Alright, boys. Stop your bickering before I have to whup Mr. Slave’s ass!

[The scene cuts briefly to Mr. Slave, who is seated at his desk and reading Vogue Magazine.]

MR. SLAVE:  
Jesus Christ!

MR. GARRISON:  
Anyway, children, today we’re gonna learn about how, in the 1970’s, Valentine’s Day was invented by George W. Bush and his army of beer bong people.

[As Mr. Garrison drones on, Eiko leans over and pokes Kyle in the shoulder.]

EIKO:  
[hushed] Are you okay, Kairu-kun?

KYLE:  
[hushed] No. My mom had to wash me with a steel wool scratch pad, degreaser, and a power washer so I could remain kosher.

MR. GARRISON:  
[off screen] Kyle!

[The two kids look up with shocked expressions.]

MR. GARRISON:  
[now on screen] Stop hitting on the foreign exchange student and pay attention!

KYLE:  
I was paying attention!

MR. GARRISON:  
Then what did I just say, Mr. Smart Mouth?

KYLE:  
You said that “Dubya” had a vision from God; a vision of a flaming cherry pie telling him that it would be Valentine’s Day with an apostrophe.

MR. GARRISON:  
Well, it’s nice to know that you know your history, Kyle, but I said that I wanted the little Japanese girl to come up here and tell us about herself. If you weren’t so god damned concerned about pleasing your little circumcised penis, you would’ve heard that.

[The class laughs. As Eiko gives Kyle a concerned look, his head sinks down to his desktop.]

KYLE:  
[downcast] God dammit…

[Wendy leans over and taps an angry Bebe on the shoulder.]

WENDY:  
[hushed] See that look, Bebe? I don’t think she wants Stan at all!

BEBE:  
[hushed, pissed] I can see that…

  
[SCENE: South Park Elementary Playground  
Near the jungle gym Pip has been cornered by a bucket wielding Cartman.]

CARTMAN:  
Hold still, you limey little French frog! It’s just entertainment!

PIP:  
Oh, bother! I don’t think that covering me in pig’s blood is quite entertaining, Eric.

KYLE:  
[off screen] Stan, I need to talk to you.

CARTMAN:  
It is to me!

STAN:  
[off screen] About what, dude?

[After Cartman dumps the contents of his bucket on Pip, the camera follows Stan and Kyle as they walk past.]

KYLE:  
Dude! I… I think I like like someone.

STAN:  
Like like? Who? Bebe? I thought you guys broke up the day after that stupid Naked Time Festival Dance.

KYLE:  
What? No! Not her!

STAN:  
Oh… [confused] Then who is it?

[The scene changes to elsewhere as Eiko stands in the middle of a circle of girls.]

BEBE:  
[glares] So…how do you like South Park so far…Eiko?

WENDY:  
[hushed] Bebe!

EIKO:  
I think it is lovely! [bows] Doumo arigatou! Everyone here is so nice! [grins anime-ishly] And Kairu-kun made sure to show me everything!

RED:  
[puzzled] “Kieeryoo-koon”? Who’s that?

EIKO:  
[sweatdrops] It is what I call Kyle, the boy in the green hat.

BEBE:  
[glares] Oh, so HE’S the one who showed you around town…

WENDY:  
[hushed] Bebe! Remember the classroom speech! [grins nervously] You seem to speak English quite well, Eiko.

EIKO:  
[turns bright red] Arigatou! You flatter me.

WENDY:  
No, seriously! You make some of us look illiterate!

[The girls take a moment to glare at Wendy.]

JORDAN:  
[hushed] Illiterate my ass.

EIKO:  
[bows] Although my grandfather’s son was Japanese, my mother was from America. Before she died, she made my grandfather swear that I would not be ignorant of half my ancestry.

WENDY:  
That is so sad…

EIKO:  
Hai, but it is what I have been given. My grandfather made me study English and Japanese, nonetheless, and because of that I am here now. Oyamaa… I feel so honored to be here with all of you!

[The girls smile at each other until Red squeals loudly.]

RED:  
I just had a thought! [dreamily] Two people from different countries coming together and finding love! How romantic!

[As the girls sigh, Stan and Kyle meander past. Wendy, who sees the boys first, smiles sadly and gives a small wave. Soon after, Eiko turns her head to see what is behind her and, consequently, squeals loudly and waves eagerly.]

EIKO:  
[ecstatically] Koniichiha, Kairu!

[Both boys turn red, wave back, and continue walking past.]

STAN:  
Okay… I don’t think I need to keep guessing who it is now.

KYLE:  
Dude, not only has she given me a nickname, but last night she practically begged my mom to let me sleep in the same room as her.

STAN:  
Dude, it’s obvious that she at least likes you.

KYLE:  
Yeah, but this soon?! This is like something out of a poorly written romance story that you’d find on the internet!

STAN:  
Dude, Kyle, you can’t help how you feel about certain things.

KYLE:  
[sighs] Yeah, good point, but… I don’t know how to move on from here…

STAN:  
Well, take her out on the town. Have fun. See where it takes you.

KYLE:  
But… She hasn’t even been here a day… Shouldn’t I, like, wait a week?

STAN:  
[blinks] Look, dude. You asked me for advice and I gave it to you.  
  
KYLE:  
You’re right, Stan. I’ll try it! Thanks, dude!

[Kyle starts to walk away.]

STAN:  
Hey, Kyle, remember one thing though. She’s not staying here forever. She WILL go back to Japan and, when she does, it’ll be me with you at Happy Burger AGAIN trying to steer you away from going nuts.

[Irrelevant Flashback]  
[The main four boys are sitting at a table in Happy Burger. Kyle lets out a tearful wail and drops his head to the table.]

STAN:  
Dude… So Rebecca Cotzwald turned out to be a whore. Big deal!

CARTMAN:  
Yeah, forget that skank!

KYLE:  
[crying] I can’t…

KENNY:  
(She’s one fine slut! And she’s handy with a whip! I’ll give her that!)

[Kyle slowly raises his head and glares at Kenny with deadly rage in his eyes.]

KYLE:  
[low, gruffly] She’s mine! [shouting] And you can’t have her!

[He leaps over the table and impales a fork into Kenny’s face multiple times.]

KYLE:  
[shouting] You can’t HAVE HER!!!

STAN:  
[shocked] Oh, my god! Kyle killed Kenny!

CARTMAN:  
[shocked] Yer damn right he did!

[Kyle leaps off the dead Kenny--]

KYLE:  
[shouting] She’s mine! She’s mine!

[--and runs out the door, the whole time mutating into a big hulking green beast.]

KYLE:  
[off screen, deeply pitched] KYLE ANGRY!

STAN:  
[frantically] Oh, shit! It’s happening again!

CARTMAN:  
[eagerly] I’ll call animal control!

[End Irrelevant Flashback]

KYLE:  
[shrugs] I’ve gotta give it a shot.

STAN:  
Good luck, dude.

[As Kyle exits the scene a downcast Wendy enters. She looks back at him after he passes, shrugs, and continues up to Stan.]

STAN:  
Hey, Wendy. You okay?

WENDY:  
[downcast] Yeah… Look, I’ll make this quick, okay?

[She kisses Stan on the cheek and then gives him an empty smile.]

WENDY:  
[downcast] Happy Valentine’s Day, Stan.

[As she turns to leave, the camera changes angles so that she is located in the fuzzy foreground and Stan in the focused background.]

STAN:  
[slowly] You wanna go up to Phil Collins’ Hill later and throw rocks at cars?

[As the girl smiles, the focus shifts to her, leaving Stan fuzzy.]

WENDY:  
Oh, Stan… I’d love to.

  
[SCENE: South Park Elementary - Outside  
Sometime later finds Cartman and Kenny hiding in a tree with a triangular mound of snowballs at their disposal.]

CARTMAN:  
Where the hell are Stan and Kyle?

KENNY:  
[swinging his legs] (Kyle said that he had some “business” to attend to and Stan… Well, I think you get the idea.)

CARTMAN:  
[irked] Pfft. It figures. Stupid asses think with their god damn cocks and not their heads. [sighs] Well, regardless, we carry on with the plan, Kenny. Throw the snowballs at the girls and make the fuckin’ bitches cry!

KENNY:  
[shocked] (What?!)

CARTMAN:  
Duh, dipshit! We throw these round balls of snow at the girls and make their sweet tears spill to the ground. We do this and the day will forever be known as… [dramatically] …The Valentine’s Day Snowball Massacre.

KENNY:  
(Why the fuck do we want to make them cry?)

CARTMAN:  
[irked] Jesus Christ, Kenny! Because it’s frickin’ hilarious! That an’ you can make yer moves on ‘em to get some hot action.

KENNY:  
[perks up] (Oh, yeah! I nearly forgot myself!)

[The fat boy grabs a snowball from the pile and leans forward.]

CARTMAN:  
[hushed] Get ready, Kenny. The bell’s about to ring.

[As if on cue, the bell rings loudly and echoes across the front yard. As soon as kids start pouring out of the front doors, Cartman gives Kenny a hand signal.]

CARTMAN:  
Now, Kenny!

[Kenny brings a water whistle to the inside edge of his hood and attempts to blow into it, resulting in nothing but a forced air sound effect.]

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] God dammit, Kenny!

KENNY:  
(It’s frozen!)

CARTMAN:  
Jesus mud wrestling Christ! I’ll do it!

[Cartman brings two fingers to his lips, blows a loud and shrill whistle and points to the crowd of children below him.]

CARTMAN:  
[shouting] SCHNEEBALLSCHLACHT, KINDER!!!

[Out amongst the crowd, Craig and Clyde give each other devious looks.]

CLYDE:  
There’s the signal!

CRAIG:  
Let’s do this!

[They, and a few other boys in the shot, arm themselves with frozen ammunition and fire at their nearest female targets. Elsewhere, Stan and Wendy stare shocked at the chaos that has broken out around them.]

STAN:  
Aw, crap! I forgot all about the big snowball fight!

WENDY:  
We won’t lose to that fat ass Cartman! [shouting] Formation time, girls!

GIRLS:  
Ja, Frau Testaburger!

[All the nearby girls ready themselves with snowballs and form a straight line behind Wendy. She points to the tree housing Cartman and Kenny.]

CARTMAN:  
[off screen, faintly] I’m not fat, you crack smokin’ bitch!

WENDY:  
[shouting] Fuck you, fat ass! [normal] Cartman may be a dumb ass, but he’s not stupid. Bebe!

[Bebe takes a step forward and stands stiffly at attention.]

WENDY:  
Your mission is to distract Cartman’s bodyguard, Kenny!

BEBE:  
[darkly] I will not fail.

[When Bebe quickly and stealthily runs off, Wendy turns to address the remaining girls.]

WENDY:  
I’ll take on the fat tub of lard myself. So that leaves… [points] Red!

RED:  
Ja, Frau Testaburger!

WENDY:  
You and the remaining girls are to take down the enemy! [points] Stan will be your distraction!

STAN:  
[shocked] I will?!

WENDY:  
Go! And make me proud, meinen kinder!

GIRLS:  
[saluting] Ja, mein führer!

WENDY:  
[shouting] Leave no boy standing!

[Stan weakly coughs and meekly holds up a hand.]

STAN:  
[meekly] Uh… Except me…

WENDY:  
Oh, right!

[She hugs him and rubs his cheek with hers.]

WENDY:  
[dreamily] Except him…

[Back at the tree, Cartman has spied Bebe and lobs a snowball at her.]

CARTMAN:  
[hushed] Kenny. You know what to do.

KENNY:  
[hushed] (Right.)

[A moment after Kenny jumps down from his perch, Cartman fires a few rounds of snowballs into the crowd below him and is rewarded with a few female cries.]

CARTMAN:  
[ecstatic] Yes! Eat my frozen pee, you fuckin’ broads!

[After Kenny lands at the base of the tree in a crouching position, he looks up and points to Bebe.]

KENNY:  
(Bebe!) [stands] (Your ass is mine!)

BEBE:  
Bring it, bitch!

[As the two stand there sizing each other up, the wind picks up and blows a small snow cloud between them. The two opponents ready themselves for battle.]

BEBE:  
You ready, big boy?

[Kenny leaps forward and cocks his loaded arm back.]

KENNY:  
[shouting] (Let’s ROCK AND ROLL!)

[Just as he lets his weapon fly, the scene cuts to Clyde aiming up a shot at a running Wendy.]

CLYDE:  
I’ve got you now!

[Suddenly, he is pegged in the side of the head and sent to the ground in a daze. Stan skids on screen and halts just before Clyde’s downed body.]

STAN:  
I guess you don’t, ass--

[He leans back--]

STAN:  
[shocked] Holy shit!

[--just as a trio of frozen balls fly past his face. He looks off screen to discover the perpetrators to be Craig and Token.]

CRAIG:  
[pointing, shouting] Hey, everyone! Aim for the faggy traitor!

TOKEN:  
Yeah! Die, asshole!

[Butters, Pip, and Tweek, with snowballs at the ready, pop up from behind a nearby snow drift.]

PIP:  
[shouting] Tally-ho, archers! Ready?

STAN:  
You want a fight, butt-huggers?!

PIP:  
[shouting] Aim!

STAN:  
[shouting] Then you got a fucking fight!

PIP:  
[shouting] FIRE!!!

[Just when Stan finds himself the target of multiple projectiles and starts to dive out of the way, the scene cuts to Kenny as, he too, dives into the snow to avoid being creamed in the crotch.]

KENNY:  
(Watch where you’re fucking aiming, you bitch!)

BEBE:  
Eh. Whatever.

[She throws another frozen projectile causing Kenny to roll to the side and jump to his feet. Once completely up, he fires a weapon of frozen destruction and pegs her on the shoulder. Bebe grips the struck area and bares her teeth in anger.]

BEBE:  
Ow! You asshole!

[Kenny laughs and chucks another one. Bebe dodges and retaliates, striking the boy in the stomach and sending him doubling over in pain.]

KENNY:  
[pained] (Mother fucker!)

[As Bebe laughs, an out of focus Wendy can be seen approaching the tree in the background.]

WENDY:  
[faintly, shouting] Fat ass!

[The camera cuts to another directly behind Wendy. Cartman stands up on his branch and looks down.]

CARTMAN:  
[faintly] What?

WENDY:  
You and me, asshole!

CARTMAN:  
[faintly] Okay!

[As the camera zooms in on Cartman and the motion speed slows down, the he leaps from his perch--]

CARTMAN:  
[slow mo] Tree hugger!

[--and chucks a large snowball at Wendy. Changing angles to Cartman’s point of view reveals Wendy letting a weapon of her own fly. After returning to normal speed and cutting elsewhere, Stan screams at the top of his lungs as he is chased across the field by Clyde, Craig, Token, Pip, Tweek, Butters, Jimmy, and Timmy. Once he passes a nearby snow drift, Red and her posse of girls pop up from behind it; all of the girls armed with snowballs.]

RED:  
[shouting] Alright, girls! Let’s kick some boy ass!

GIRLS:  
[shouting] Yeah!

[The boys skid to a halt with tire screeching sound effects.]

TWEEK:  
[grabs his hair] Gah! Crap!

JIMMY:  
[shouting] Ch-ch-charge!

TIMMY:  
[angrily] Livinalie Timmah!

[Just as the two groups lob frozen projectiles at each other, the scene cuts to a close up of two snowballs, one white and the other yellow, striking each other and exploding to pieces. As the camera follows the snow chunks and dust to the ground, an out of focus Cartman lands on the ground a yard or so away from the nearby and out of focused Wendy. After Cartman speaks, the focus of the scene shifts to whomever is talking.]

CARTMAN:  
Wendy.

WENDY:  
Cartman.

CARTMAN:  
Look. Let’s just cut the pleasantries and get to it.

WENDY:  
You took the words right out of my mouth, fat ass!

[She quickly fires a snowball in Cartman’s direction, however, it ends up broadsiding the tree. Cartman, still in mid-slide from his dodge, throws a yellow projectile and pegs Wendy in the face. As the motion speed slows down, she lifts up off the ground and Stan runs in from screen left.]

STAN:  
[slow mo] Wendy!  
  
[As he skids to a halt, she falls to her back and bounces a few times before finally becoming still. As the speed returns to normal, Stan falls to his knees beside her. He takes her hand in his and lovingly caresses it.]

STAN:  
[hushed] Wendy, it’s going to be okay.

[She smiles weakly and strokes his cheek--]

WENDY:  
[coughing] Stan…my…love…avenge me…

[--before going limp. Stan stands and points angrily at Cartman.]

STAN:  
[shouting] You’re mine, fat ass!

[Cartman looks up from cleaning his fingernails and frowns.]

CARTMAN:  
Stan, I’ll give you one last chance to realize just how much of a dip-shit you are and let you live to fight along with me and my elite squadron another day.

STAN:  
Elite squadron? Ha! Dream on! Wendy’s “Gestapo soldiers” and your “elite squadron” took each other out! It’s just you and me, fat boy!

CARTMAN:  
I see how it is. If that is the way things must be…

[The two stare each other down for a moment before reaching earthward to grab a handful of snow.]

CARTMAN:  
Then I guess there’s no other choice.

[They glare at each other for a moment before letting their snowballs fly and striking each other at the same time.]

CARTMAN:  
[pained] Eh…

[As Cartman falls to the ground--]

CARTMAN:  
[pained] Et tu…Stan?

[--Stan smirks and breathes a sigh of relief.]

STAN:  
[weakly] I won…

[He wobbles on his feet before falling to the ground. He weakly props himself up with his arms to look at Wendy.]

STAN:  
[weakly] Wendy… I did it. I avenged…you.

[He slowly puts his head on her chest and closes his eyes. As the scene fades out--]

WENDY:  
[faintly] Stan?

STAN:  
[faintly] Yeah?

WENDY:  
[faintly] You have your hand in my crotch.

STAN:  
[faintly] Oh… Sorry.

  
[SCENE: South Park Elementary - Hallway  
Kyle and Eiko each walk out of the library with an arm load of books.]

EIKO:  
Oyamaa… Kairu, my favorite stories about America are the ones with rugged cowboys!

KYLE:  
[raises an eyebrow] Really? The wild west?

EIKO:  
[grins anime-ishly] Hai! I especially like the big hats the cowboys wear.

KYLE:  
[laughs] There’s nothing special about the wild west. It was just a bunch of gay guys sitting around and eating pudding.

EIKO:  
No, it was not! It was about gun slinging outlaws and their escape from the law!

[Eiko drops her books with loud thudding noises when she clasps her hands together to make a pretend gun.]

EIKO:  
[gruffly] Reach for the sky, hiretsuken!

[She sweatdrops when she realizes that Kyle is staring at her with a bewildered look his face.]

EIKO:  
[excitedly] And there were horses and sand and saloons and bar fights!

[Kyle blinks before laughing.]

KYLE:  
Right. A bunch of gay guys eating pudding.

[Eiko giggles and bends down to retrieve her books.]

EIKO:  
[sticks her tongue out] Hee! Kairu, you are funny.

KYLE:  
[sheepishly] Gee, thanks.

[The two continue walking.]

KYLE:  
Say, just out of curiosity, why do you call me “Kaeeryoo” instead of my name?

EIKO:  
[blushes] It is your name in Japanese. [bashfully] Would you prefer that I did not call you “Kairu”?

KYLE:  
[low] You could call me “jack ass” for all I cared… I’d still like it.

[She turns her head to the side to avoid eye contact.]

EIKO:  
[low, bashfully] Oyamaa… Surely, you do not mean that.

KYLE:  
It’s the truth. I swear.

[She giggles, but still refuses to look directly at him.]

KYLE:  
Eiko, let me take you around the town again.

EIKO:  
[bashfully] Your friends will not be with us again?

KYLE:  
Do you want them around?

EIKO:  
[bashfully] No.

KYLE:  
[low] Then they don’t have to know.

[The two walk in silence until they reach the double doors leading to the outside. Kyle cracks the door open, but then immediately shuts it.]

KYLE:  
[nervously] Look, if you don’t want to…

EIKO:  
[bashfully] I want to, Kairu… So much that it hurts…

[She drops her books to the floor once again with loud thuds, takes Kyle’s free hand, and places it on her heart.]

EIKO:  
[low] …right here.

[Kyle, looking quite nauseous, calmly places his arm load of books on the floor--]

KYLE:  
[calmly] Excuse me for a moment.

[--and walks into the conveniently placed washroom. After puking sounds are heard, he groans loudly.]

KYLE:  
[off screen, faintly] Christ… Now I know how Stan felt all the time.

[He emerges from the washroom wiping his mouth on his sleeve. He reacquires his books and gives Eiko a smile.]

KYLE:  
Shall we?

EIKO:  
[grins anime-ishly] Hai. Let us.

[After Eiko picks her books off the floor, the two exit the building. Once outside, the two find the aftermath of the snowball fight. Children all sprawled on the ground; some on their backs, some on their stomachs, and others in odd positions.]

KYLE:  
[shocked] Jesus Christ…

[He starts to do a Hail Mary--]

KYLE:  
Wait a second! I’m Jewish!

[--before halting mid-hail.]

EIKO:  
[shocked] Kami chikushou! This looks like…

KYLE:  
…either mass suicide or a freakin’ massacre.

[The two slowly make their way across the field of still bodies.]

KYLE:  
So this is what it’s like to be a lone soldier after a battle.

[They look down as they pass an unconscious Jordan lying face down in the snow.]

KYLE:  
[slowly] Freaky…

[After sometime walking, they find Clyde half buried in a snow drift; his eyes and mouth frozen wide open in horror.]

EIKO:  
[disturbed] Kairu…

KYLE:  
[disturbed] Let’s just keep walking.

EIKO:  
Oyamaa…

[They finally come upon Stan and Wendy; him lying on top of her as if he is protecting her. Eiko points to Cartman who is lying face down not too far away.]

KYLE:  
[slowly] Valentine’s Day Snowball Massacre. Huh. Cartman actually got it… Wow.

CARTMAN:  
[weakly, muffled] Kyle?

KYLE:  
[shocked] Cartman?

[The two walk over to the downed Cartman, who has his head turned to the side.]

EIKO:  
Erikku… Are you alright?

CARTMAN:  
[weakly, sarcastically] Oh, I’m just peachy. How the hell are you?

EIKO:  
[scoffs] I only asked if you were in good health, himanshita oshiri.

CARTMAN:  
[weakly] Well, thank you, Miss Japan.

EIKO:  
[low] Hiretsuken.

CARTMAN:  
[weakly] Eh… What does it look like, Kyle?

KYLE:  
[low] Like something out of a war movie… You got your Valentine’s massacre, dude.

CARTMAN:  
[weakly] Let me see it… [coughs] Just once before I…

KYLE:  
[low] Sure.

[Kyle rolls Cartman to his back and helps him sit up. He smiles weakly as he takes in the sight of still bodies littering the front yard of the school.]

CARTMAN:  
[weakly] It’s so beautiful… Now I can…sleep…a happy…eh…man…

[Cartman’s eyes slam shut before he falls back into the snow. After Kyle stands and looks down sadly, he performs a Hail Mary. He and Eiko stand silent for a moment before he looks up with a bright grin on his face.]

KYLE:  
[ecstatically] Well, we’re done here! Let’s get going, Eiko!

EIKO:  
[shocked] Nani?! But what about--

KYLE:  
Pfft. Don’t worry about them. In about fifteen minutes they’ll be up and about.

[Irrelevant Cut Scene]  
[Cartman, lying naked in the snow, sits up and shakes his head.]

CARTMAN:  
[groggily] Oh, man… What the hell happened?

[He looks to the side to find Christoph the Mole lying nude next to him and calmly smoking a cigarette.]

THE MOLE:  
I do not know, mon ami, but whatevaire eet was had you screaming like ze leetle beetch you are.

[After the Mole winks, Cartman’s expression drops.]

CARTMAN:  
[frantically] Oh, god… Oh, god… I WAS NOT just raped by a French faggot!

THE MOLE:  
[exhales a puff of smoke] Eet ees not rape eef ze ozer party eez weelling, non?

[Cartman screams.]  
[End Irrelevant Cut Scene]

KYLE:  
[thoughtful] Well, maybe not like THAT, but you get the idea. When South Park Elementary has a snowball fight, we have a snowball fight!

[As the two walk slowly into the sunset, their voices get fainter.]

EIKO:  
What are we doing this evening, Kairu?

KYLE:  
I think there’s a cowboy movie playing at the dollar theater tonight.

EIKO:  
[ecstatic] Oyamaa! Really?! Are the cowboys eating pudding?

KYLE:  
More than likely.

EIKO:  
[ecstatic] Yatta!

KYLE:  
[laughing] And then afterwards we can go to the ice cream store.

EIKO:  
[bashfully] May I get any kind that I want?

KYLE:  
Sure! Anything!

EIKO:  
[dreamily] I think I will have three scoops of strawberry ice cream…with sprinkles!

KYLE:  
In a waffle cone?

EIKO:  
[shocked] Waffle cone?! I can have my ice cream on a waffle?! [ecstatic] Kawairashii!

  
[SCENE: Wooded Area  
Bebe and Kenny are breathing heavily as they size each other up.]

KENNY:  
[panting] (You’re pretty good at snowballing.)

BEBE:  
[panting] You’re not so bad yourself.

KENNY:  
[looks around] (We’re nowhere near the school.)

BEBE:  
Wow! We fought long and hard, didn’t we?

KENNY:  
[laughs] (Sure!)

BEBE:  
Hey! Let’s go to Benny’s and get some hot chocolate!

KENNY:  
(I’m game!)

[The two walk off screen right.]

KENNY:  
[off screen] (So… What else are we gonna do that’s long and hard?)

BEBE:  
[off screen] Lon-- What?! Oh, my god! You are such a PERVERT!

[End Valentine’s Day Snowball Massacre]


	11. I Think I'm Turning Japanese

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Eiko falls for another guy, Kyle attempts to fix the situation by...becoming Japanese...

[SCENE: South Park Dollar Movie Theater – night  
CAPTION: A week after Valentine's Day...  
Kyle and Eiko walk out of the theater, hand in hand. Other people turn to look at them as they walk by.]

EIKO:  
Hee! That movie was funny, Kairu-kun.

KYLE:  
Yeah. Who'd have thought that Rob Schneider as a stapler would actually be humorous...

EIKO:  
[slyly] My favorite part was when the stapler and the hot sexy college girl kissed for the first time...

KYLE:  
Why's that?

[She moves to give Kyle a kiss on the cheek, however, at the same time, he turns his head to look at her and they end up kissing on the lips. Their eyes widen, but they make no movement to back away. A few passersby watch the scene with interest.]

MAN:  
Yeah! Go kid! Go!

WOMAN:  
You go, girl!

[Kyle, looking shocked, takes a step back. Eiko, blushing, smiles and turns her head.]

EIKO:  
[bashfully] That's why, my suiitohaato...

[Kyle, trying to compose himself, slowly takes Eiko's hands in his.]

KYLE:  
[nervous] Wh-what does that mean?

EIKO:  
[slyly] Guess.

KYLE:  
[nervous] Uh... It kinda sounds like...um...swe-sweetheart?

EIKO:  
[sensually] Hai. You win a prize, my suiitohaato...

KYLE:  
[coolly] Wh-what's the prize?

[She thinks for a moment.]

EIKO:  
A strawberry milkshake!

KYLE: [disappointed] What?

[They continue to walk down the street.]

EIKO:  
[bashful] Baka... We ask for two straws and share a...romantic moment...

KYLE:  
[perks up] R-really? Wow. I didn't think of it like that!

[When Eiko snuggles up to Kyle and puts her head on his shoulder, the camera stops following and watches them walk away.]

EIKO:  
My Kairu-kun... [in Japanese] {I am falling in love with you.}

KYLE:  
What did you say, Eiko?

EIKO:  
Hm... I'll tell you in time, my suiitohaato. In time...

  
[SCENE: Kyle's house  
Stan walks up to the door and knocks.]

[SCENE: Gerald's office  
Kyle is sitting at the computer, looking quite frustrated.]

KYLE:  
[mutters] Jesus! There's over fifty entries for the word "you"?! [beats his head on the desk] Gah! Why can't the Japanese language be any easier?!

[Stan enters the room.]

STAN:  
Hey, dude! Your dad said you were in here. What're you doing?

KYLE:  
[angrily] I'm trying to learn Japanese on my own to impress Eiko.

STAN:  
How's it going?

KYLE:  
Bad. The only word I've picked up is "megami."

STAN:  
"Maegamee?" What's that?

KYLE:  
It means... [a goofy grins spreads across his face] goddess...

STAN:  
Oh. Well, just call her that.

KYLE:  
Dude! I can't just call her a goddess all the time!

STAN:  
Dude, I'll bet you five bucks she'll love it.

KYLE:  
Yeah, but--

[Stan grabs Kyle's arm and drags him away from the computer.]

STAN:  
C'mon, dude! You need to unplug from the computer for a while.

KYLE:  
Well, what's the plan today, oh-fearless leader?

STAN:  
We're meeting Cartman and Kenny at the video store.

[They walk out of the room and down the hallway.]

KYLE:  
What's at the video store?

STAN:  
Dude! We talked about it yesterday after school! Remember? We all agreed that we'd take some time off today and just watch movies.

KYLE:  
[one eyebrow raised] We did? I don't remember this.

[They walk into the living room, where Ike is watching TV.]

TV:  
\--and after the inspection, forty-five beer bongs were found in The President's possession--

STAN:  
You were probably too busy staring at Eiko's ass.

KYLE:  
Who are you to say anything? I've caught you staring at Wendy's ass multiple times!

STAN:  
Dude! I didn't say there was anything wrong with it!

[The two exit the house. Ike looks in the direction they walked off.]

IKE:  
Ako hot ass!

  
[SCENE: Two Towers Video Store  
Wendy, Bebe, and Eiko, who is carrying a homemade Kyle plushie, enter the store. The door buzzes.]

WENDY:  
Isn't this just awesome? The three of us, just spending the day watching movies!

BEBE:  
I'm psyched!

[Eiko just smiles and hugs her Kyle doll. They wander over to the drama section. Wendy picks up a Russell Crowe movie titled, "Gladiator 2: The Crowe's Revenge." She smiles dreamily.]

WENDY:  
[sighs] Sometimes, I like to imagine Stan's head on Russell's body...

EIKO:  
But, if you love Stan-kun, why do you have this infatuation with a movie actor?

WENDY:  
Don't get me wrong. I love Stan, but... [smirks] I wouldn't mind riding Russell Crowe.

[Cut to a rodeo ring. Wendy, decked out in cowgirl gear, can be seen sitting up high behind a wooden gate.]

ANNOUNCER:  
And now, number fifty-seven, Wendy Testaburger!

[When the gate flies open, Russell Crowe runs out on all fours, with Wendy straddling his back. When he tries to buck her off, she waves her ten-gallon hat in the air.]

WENDY:  
[screaming ecstatically] Oh! Russell! Yes! Oh, god! Yes! Do it!

[Cut back to Eiko giving Wendy a puzzled look.]

EIKO:  
[slowly] That is very disturbing.

BEBE:  
Well, isn't there a famous actor you dream about?

EIKO:  
No... But there is someone I dream about every night...

[Wendy and Bebe squeal in excitement.]

WENDY:  
[excited] Who is it?!

BEBE:  
[excited] You have to tell us!

EIKO:  
[blushing] Oh, I can't!

WENDY:  
At least give us a hint?

[Eiko just smiles dreamily and hugs her Kyle doll. Bebe and Wendy stare, puzzled.]

WENDY:  
[slowly] What does that mean?

BEBE:  
[slowly] I'm not quite sure...

[They shrug and look upon the wall of movies before them.]

WENDY:  
We're definitely getting a Russell Crowe movie!

BEBE:  
Well, I think we also need to get a movie with Jet Li!

WENDY:  
[squeals] Oh, my god! He can kick so much ass!

BEBE:  
Eiko? Is there a movie you'd like to get?

[Eiko blinks her eyes a few times.]

EIKO:  
I'm sorry. I wasn't paying attention.

BEBE:  
[raises an eyebrow] I asked if there was a movie you'd like to get.

EIKO:  
[blushes] Oh, no. Anything you choose will be fine!

[The door buzzes.]

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] And that Kenny, is why you'll be a poor piece of crap for the rest of your unnatural life.

KENNY:  
[off screen] (Fuck you, you cum guzzling gutter slut.)

CARTMAN:  
[off screen, laughs] You suck, Kenny.

[Wendy and Bebe roll their eyes.]

WENDY:  
C'mon, girls. Let's get out of here before--

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] Uh oh! Look out, Kenny! It's the girls of the South Park Dork Squad!

WENDY:  
[downcast] --Cartman spots us...

[Cartman and Kenny round a wall of movies.]

KENNY:  
[waves] (Hey, girls!)

EIKO:  
[bows] Konnichiha, Kenny-kun!

CARTMAN:  
[high pitched mocking] Koneecheeka, Kenny-koon!

EIKO:  
[annoyed] Kutabare!

WENDY:  
[annoyed] What do you want, Cartman?

CARTMAN:  
What else? To piss you bitches off!

[Kenny punches Cartman.]

KENNY:  
(Actually, we're meeting Stan and Kyle here.)

WENDY:  
[dreamily] My Stan is coming here?

EIKO:  
[dreamily] --and my suiitohaato, Kairu-kun?

[Both girls hug each other and sigh. Bebe looks at the two lovesick girls for a moment, before diverting her attention to Kenny and Cartman.]

BEBE:  
Thanks a lot, assholes! Now it's gonna take me hours to get them to talk about anything else!

KENNY:  
[taken aback] (What did I do?)

CARTMAN:  
You know, Bebe, your problem is you don't hang around with cool people like me. You need to ditch the hippie and the chin--

[Cut to the outside of the building. Eiko storms out, rudely pushing between a man and his wife.]

Man:  
Hey! Watch it!

[Wendy and Bebe follow shortly after, each with an armload of videos.]

WENDY:  
[to the couple] Sorry! Excuse us! [shouting] Eiko! Eiko, wait up!

BEBE:  
[shouting] Jesus, girl! Don't leave us behind like that!

[When they run off screen after Eiko, Stan and Kyle walk up to the video store.]

KYLE:  
So what movies are we gonna rent?

STAN:  
I dunno. I heard that "Pirates of the Caribbean" was pretty good.

[They enter the store and find Kenny standing next to Cartman, who looks like he just had his ass handed to him.]

KYLE:  
Holy shit! What the hell happened to you, Cartman?!

CARTMAN:  
[weakly] What the hell's it look like, Jew? Your god damn girlfriend felt that she needed to go samurai on my ass...

KYLE:  
She's really not my girlfriend...

CARTMAN:  
[weakly] Right. An' I'm a Chinese railroad worker.

STAN:  
You called her a "chink" again. Didn't you, Cartman?

KYLE:  
Well?

CARTMAN:  
[weakly] I'm goin' home to care for my bleedin' liver and to get an ice pack for my tender tushie.

[Cartman makes to exit.]

STAN:  
You want us to get you a specific movie, dude?

CARTMAN:  
[weakly] Yeah. Something anti-Jap.

[Cartman limps out the door and immediately trips.]

CARTMAN:  
Ow, god dammit!

[The remaining three boys shrug their shoulders.]

KYLE:  
[matter-of-factly] He did.

STAN:  
C'mon, you guys. Let's find some kick ass movies to help us forget about reality for a while.

KYLE:  
Hey, let's rent one of those Ja-pan-ime movies.

STAN:  
Dude, I heard that most of those are total crap.

KYLE:  
Well, we'll never know until we see one!

KENNY:  
(You just wanna see one because the girl you supposedly don't fuck on a nightly basis is Japanese. God, if I was you, I'd be singing to the world about how lucky I was to be scoring with such a fine woman!)

KYLE:  
Kenny, I'm going to ask you nicely to drop the subject.

KENNY:  
(What? Dude, I'm just saying, you like her and she likes you! Stop dancin' around the subject like a fuckin' fairy and admit it! Sing your heart out!)

STAN:  
Yeah, dude. I mean, don't be in denial like I was last week. Just admit it. She's your girlfriend. Even Cartman said so...in his own strange way.

KYLE:  
[raises an eyebrow] Is this one of those spur of the moment intervention thingies?

KENNY:  
(I think so.)

STAN:  
Yeah, and I have every right, especially after you guys intervented me the other day.

[Flashback to the school playground. Stan, on his knees crying, is surrounded by Kyle and Kenny. Both of whom have hand guns directed at Stan's head.]

KYLE:  
[forcefully] Just say it, asshole! Say what we want to hear!

STAN:  
[sobbing] I...I...

KENNY:  
[pissed] (That's it! I'm fuckin' doin' him in right now!)

STAN:  
[sobbing] No!

KYLE:  
[forcefully] Then tell us what we want to hear! Now, maggot!

[Kenny cocks his gun.]

STAN:  
[screaming] ALL RIGHT! I FUCKING LOVE WENDY TESTABURGER!!!

[Kenny pulls the trigger and sprays water in Stan's face. The boys toss their water guns aside.]

KYLE:  
[beaming] There. That wasn't so hard. Was it, Stan?

  
[SCENE: Wendy's house  
The three girls are sitting on the couch, watching a movie. Wendy and Bebe are watching intently, while Eiko is staring off into space. She sighs and squeezes her Kyle plushie, which catches the attentions of the other girls.]

BEBE:  
[knowingly] Uh oh... You're thinking of HIM, aren't you?

EIKO:  
[blushing] What? No, I'm not!

WENDY:  
Hee hee! You're tuning red!

BEBE:  
[teasing] You have to be! You're acting just like Wendy did when she and Stan first started dating!

WENDY:  
[excited] Oh! The part where Jet Li starts kicking ass is coming up!

[Bebe squeals and they all fall silent, eyes intently on the TV. Cut to what the girls are watching. Jet Li, in martial art ceremonial robes, approaches Mel Gibson and Danny Glover. He bows to them.]

JET LI:  
It certainly is a pleasure to meet you. However, I must now kick your ass for no reason whatsoever!

MEL GIBSON:  
[to Danny Glover] Oi! Looks loik we got ourselves a bloody sheila in our midst!

[A stylized fight scene then occurs with Jet Li literally kicking the crap out of the both of them. Eiko watches the scene with an increasing amount of hearts appearing above her head. After a moment, she finally drops down to the floor, on her hands and knees, and crawls up to the TV until her face is nearly pressed against it. Wendy and Bebe both try to look around her.]

WENDY:  
Hey, uh, Eiko? You okay?

EIKO:  
Hee...

BEBE:  
Uh oh. I think we broke her...

  
[SCENE: Kyle's bedroom - night  
Eiko, with a big grin on her face, is lying on Kyle's bed, sideways, so her head is hanging upside down over the side.]

EIKO:  
[dreamily] Jet Li...

[Kyle enters the room, holding a bouquet of flowers in one hand.]

KYLE:  
[excited] Hey, Eiko! I know much you like flowers, so I bought you some!

EIKO:  
[dreamily] That's nice...

[Kyle looks at her, confused, for a moment.]

KYLE:  
Eiko? [pause] Eiko? [shouts] Hey, chink!

[Eiko falls off the bed, giggles, and then mumbles something in Japanese. Kyle rushes to her side.]

KYLE:  
Dude! You okay?

EIKO:  
[dreamily] Kyle, I saw the most amazing man today!

KYLE:  
Really? What did he do that was so amazing?

EIKO:  
[dreamily] I had never met anyone as skilled in the ways of the martial arts as him...

KYLE:  
[realizing] I-is that so...

EIKO:  
[dreamily] Kyle, I want you to be the first to know... I love Jet Li...

KYLE:  
Who's that?

EIKO:  
[dreamily] Hmm... Jet Li...

KYLE:  
I see. [stands] Eiko, where's that doll I made for you?

EIKO:  
[dreamily] Hmm...

[Cut to Wendy's house. The doll is lying on the couch in plain sight.]

WENDY:  
[walking on screen] I'm so glad you agreed to spend the evening with me, Stan!

Stan, carrying a duffel bag, and Wendy walk past the couch, oblivious to its occupant.

STAN:  
Hey. Anything for you, Wendy.

WENDY:  
[walking off screen, seductively] Good... 'Cause I have something fun planned to keep us occupied all evening and well into the morning...

STAN:  
[off screen] Ooohh... Kinky...

[Cut back to Kyle's room. He sets the flowers on the bed and walks back to the door.]

KYLE:  
If you need me, I'll be sleeping in Ike's room tonight.

[He calmly exits the room and closes the door behind him. All the while the camera is in the room, Kyle can be heard crying. After a few moments of hyperventilating, he starts screaming.]

  
[SCENE: Living room  
A door slams shut off screen. Sheila, on the couch with Gerald, looks up from her book.]

SHEILA:  
[taking off reading glasses] Gerald? Did I just hear our little Kyle screaming?

GERALD:  
Well, he's stopped, so whatever it was must be out of his system.

[Sheila shrugs and goes back to her book.]

[SCENE: Ike's room  
Kyle is lying on the bed, with Ike cuddled up next to his big brother.]

KYLE:  
I just don't understand... I... I thought we were...

IKE:  
Cookie monsta!

KYLE:  
What?

IKE:  
Kyle baba maba fusha Ako?

KYLE:  
Yeah... I do, Ike. So much, that right now, I want to run out in front of the nearest moving vehicle!

IKE:  
[angry] Ah tahn da nur!

KYLE:  
[touched] Dude! I would never, ever leave my little brother!

[The two hug.]

IKE:  
Kuken shane!

KYLE:  
Really?

IKE:  
Two, three, four, five.

KYLE:  
Hey! That's a great idea, Ike! I'll win her back by [dramatic pause] becoming Japanese!

  
[SCENE: Kyle's house, hallway - morning  
Eiko, rubbing sleep from one eye and clutching the bouquet of flowers in the other, steps out of Kyle's room.]

EIKO:  
Kairu? Kairu? Kairu-kun? Where could he be?

[]She makes her way to the kitchen. Sheila, Gerald, and Ike are already there preparing breakfast, reading the paper, and throwing cereal all over, respectfully.]

IKE:  
Ako!

SHEILA:  
Oh, morning, sweetie!

EIKO:  
Good morning, obasan.

SHEILA:  
Where did you get those pretty flowers?

EIKO:  
I think Kairu-kun gave them to me last night. Where is he? I have not seen him this morning.

SHEILA:  
He said he had some things to do before he started today, so he left early.

  
[SCENE: Main Street  
Kyle, panting his little lungs out, is running down the street. Cut to a closed door in a hallway. The sounds of a bed rhythmically squeaking and Wendy moaning are heard.]

WENDY:  
[off screen, moaning] Oh... Stan... Please... Be gentle...

[Cut back to Kyle running down the street. He accidentally runs head first into Bebe and they both tumble to the ground. Cut back to the closed door. The squeaking has gotten faster and Wendy's moaning is more frequent.]

WENDY:  
[off screen, moaning] Ah! Stan! Stan! This isn't gentle!

[Cut back to Kyle and Bebe. He has picked himself up and run off.]

KYLE:  
[off screen, shouting] Sorry, Bebe!

BEBE:  
[puzzled] Where's he off to in such a hurry?

[Cut back to the closed door. The squeaking is now even faster. At this point, Wendy is practically screaming.]

WENDY:  
[off screen, screaming] Oh! Jesus Christ! Oh, Stan! I think I'm going to--

STAN:  
[off screen] Dude! [louder] Dude!

[Wendy's mom walks up to the door and beats on it.]

MRS. TESTABURGER:  
What the hell are you two doing in there?!

[The squeaking stops.]

STAN:  
[off screen] Uh... Nothing...

MRS. TESTABURGER:  
You two have been doing this all night! The next time I have to come up here, I'm putting chastity belts on the both of you!

[Wendy's mom walks off in a huff. After a moment, Wendy giggles and the rhythmic squeaking starts again.]

WENDY:  
[off screen] Jumping on the bed is fun!

STAN:  
[off screen] Hey, Wendy? What’s a chastity belt?

  
[SCENE: Mr. Garrison's house  
Kyle limps up to the door and rings the bell. After a moment, Mr. Garrison opens the door.]

MR. GARRISON:  
Well, this certainly is a surprise! What brings you to my humble home, Kyle?

KYLE:  
Mr. Garrison, I need a makeover!

MR. GARRISON:  
[taken aback] What in the name of Elton John makes you think I know anything about makeovers?

KYLE:  
Well, I hate to say this...but you're gay?

MR. GARRISON:  
Well, Kyle, while I'm flattered that you'd come to me for advice, I should pound your little tushie to the ground for thinking such a thing.

[Kyle lowers his head, dejected.]

MR. GARRISON:  
But I won't for two reasons: one; you realized that it's wrong to think such stereotypical nonsense, and two; it just so happens that Mr. Slave has a masters degree in Makeoverology.

KYLE:  
[perking up] So... That means...

MR. GARRISON:  
Yes. We'll give you a makeover! Now, you come inside and tell us everything.

[When Kyle enters Mr. Garrison's house, a montage of sorts begins complete with 1960’s sounding music.]

[Kyle is seen sitting on a couch, talking animatedly to Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave, who nods every so often. Cut to Kyle, standing in front of a mirror, with his arms spread wide. Mr. Slave comes up behind him and removes the green hat. He shakes his head sadly, causing Kyle to look up, confused. Cut to Mr. Slave, sitting at a drafter's table, drawing up some kind of blueprint. He stops and admires it for a moment.]

[Cut to the South Park mall. Mr. Slave is pulling both Mr. Garrison and Kyle into a trendy Japanese clothes store. Cut to Kyle standing in front of a mirror, wearing a shirt with Japanese writing. His clothes change in time with the music from a black kimono with red sandals, a gray business suit, red and black samurai garb, a Godzilla costume, and eventually to Link's Kokiri outfit, a floppy green hat, a green tunic with white tights, and brown adventurer's boots.]

[Cut to Mr. Slave pulling Kyle into a hair salon. After a moment, Mr. Garrison slowly walks up, shaking his head. Cut to Kyle, sitting in a chair, getting his hair soaked in chemicals. Mr. Slave stands off to the side, smiling and tapping his toes. Cut to Kyle in the mirror. His hair changes to the following colors [in time with the music] in no particular order; purple, brown, blonde, silver, black, blue, and pink.]

[Cut a grassy field. During a guitar “solo”, Kyle and Cartman are "dueling" on their guitars. On a nearby beach, Stan, in Hawaiian clothes, is standing behind Wendy, who is in a black two piece bikini. With a forced smile, he holds out one of her arms, and pretends that she is a guitar. Wendy rolls her eyes in annoyance and sighs.]

[Cut to Kyle practicing karate in a dojo. The instructor seems pleased with Kyle's progress and holds out a block of wood. Kyle leans back and then swiftly brings his head forward to break the block. However, he only ends up knocking himself unconscious.]

  
[SCENE: Wendy's house, living room  
Stan and Wendy walk into the room.]

STAN:  
Well, that certainly was an interesting morning.

WENDY:  
Oh, hey...

She picks up Eiko's Kyle doll.

WENDY:  
Eiko left her doll here... Now that I look at it, it kinda looks like Kyle.

STAN:  
Dude, I bet she's lost without it.

WENDY:  
Well, actually, she kind of left here in a daze yesterday.

STAN:  
Why? Oh no... You didn't play that one game again, did you?

[Flashback to Wendy's room. Wendy and a few of the other girls, all wearing night gowns, are sitting around a board game. Bebe moves her piece around the board.]

BEBE:  
I landed on best friend...

RED:  
[drawing a card] Okay. The card says... "Look your best friend in the eyes and tell her you love her. Then give her a kiss...on the lips."

[Bebe stares at Red for a moment. She then looks at Wendy, who just shrugs.]

WENDY:  
It's just a game...albeit a strange one.

BEBE:  
[nervous] Wendy... I love you...

WENDY:  
[nervous] I know...

[They slowly move in and give each other a quick peck on the lips.]

WENDY:  
Huh. That wasn't so bad... Let's do it again.

[They move in again. Cut to Red and the other girls watching with wide eyes. The sounds of Wendy and Bebe kissing heatedly can be heard.]

RED:  
Wow...

[Suddenly, they all jump up in excitement.]

RED:  
[shouting] Yeah! Grope her, Bebe!

STAN:  
[off screen] Hey, girls! I need to talk to-- Dude, what the hell are you guys doing in there?

[Cut back to the present.]

WENDY:  
[low] I burned that fucking game...

STAN:  
Oh. Then, what did happen?

  
[SCENE: Mr. Garrison's house  
The front door opens and Kyle steps out backwards.]

KYLE:  
Thanks again, Mr. Garrison, Mr. Slave!

[He turns around and we see that his eyes have been taped back to make him look Asian.]

KYLE:  
This is gonna be so sweet... She is so gonna love me again for sure!

[He walks to the street where he bumps into Stan.]

KYLE:  
Oh, sorr-- Stan?

STAN:  
Kyle?! Oh, thank god I-- [rubs his eyes] Dude! Doesn't that hurt?

KYLE:  
A little. But if it gets Eiko loving me again, then it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make!

STAN:  
Uh... Dude, we need to talk... And take that crap off your eyes before Cartman sees you!

KYLE:  
What do you need to talk to me about?

STAN:  
Kyle, do you know who Jet Li is?

KYLE:  
You know that son of a bitch?! Tell me where he is so I can kick his ass!

STAN:  
He's an actor.

KYLE:  
[dumbfounded] What?

STAN:  
Does "The One" ring any bells?

KYLE:  
That's...?! Oh, shit... Now I feel like such an ass...

  
[SCENE: Kyle's house  
Kyle walks up to the door and is about to open it, when suddenly it flies open. Eiko runs out and tackles Kyle to the ground.]

EIKO:  
[crying] Kairu-kun!

[She hugs him tightly. Kyle looks shocked for a second, but then relishes the moment.]

EIKO:  
[crying] You baka! You had me so worried about you! Don't ever leave without me!

KYLE:  
[slowly] I just went to get your doll for you...

EIKO:  
You did that...for me?

KYLE:  
[quickly, hushed] That and I nearly made an ass outta myself...

EIKO:  
Nani?

KYLE:  
[puzzled] What?

EIKO:  
That's what I asked.

KYLE:  
What?

EIKO:  
Yes.

KYLE:  
No, you asked "Nani?"

EIKO:  
That means what. 

KYLE:  
Oh... Wait. What? I'm confused.

[Eiko giggles.]

  
[SCENE: South Park Dollar Movie Theater - night  
Eiko and Kyle are standing outside the theater.]

KYLE:  
So, what movie do you wanna watch tonight?

EIKO:  
I don't know...

[She suddenly squeals and points to a poster of Jet Li.]

KYLE:  
"Jet Li Fights A Million Gangsters"? Jesus. They really lack originality on titles for these martial arts movies.

EIKO:  
[dreamily] Oyamaa! Let's see it anyway!

KYLE:  
Hmm... Alright... My megami...

EIKO:  
What did you just call me?

KYLE:  
Uh... Megami?

EIKO:  
[blushes] Say it again...

KYLE:  
What? Megami?

EIKO:  
[excited] Again!

KYLE:  
[grinning] You're my megami!

[She screams in excitement and tackles him to the ground. The same couple from the opening scene happen to walk past.]

MAN:  
Wow! This place must be magical!

WOMAN:  
Hey, if those kids can find love here, maybe we can, too...

MAN:  
Alright! [runs up to the ticketer, now off screen] Two for any movie!

[After a moment of hearing them kiss, Eiko finally stands and adjusts her clothes. She walks up to the ticketer.]

EIKO:  
Konnichiha! I would like two tickets for "Jet Li Fights A Million Gangsters", please.

[In the background, Kyle makes an attempt to stand, but falls back to the ground.]

KYLE:  
[dazed] Oh, god! My legs feel like rubber...

[Eiko pays the man and receives the tickets.]

EIKO:  
Thank you! Kairu-kun let's go see the movie!

KYLE:  
[dazed] God does love me...

  
[SCENE: Inside  
Eiko and Kyle are sitting together watching the movie. Various fighting and screaming can be heard. Eiko reaches over and takes his hand in hers. Kyle looks at her from the corner of his eye and smiles. She leans back and watches the movie with half-closed eyes. Cut to the movie as she sees it. Jet Li, who is surrounded by hundreds of gangsters, suddenly transforms into Kyle.]

KYLE:  
[looking back and forth, smugly] You wish to fight me? Then prepare to be standing at Hell's gates!

[Then, he leaps into the air and roundhouse kicks the nearest gangster. At that, they all charge at him. Back in the audience, Cartman suddenly pops up between the two.]

KYLE:  
What the fu-- Cartman?

CARTMAN:  
What the hell?! The only time I got in this involved me getting my ass kicked by a chink-girl?! What the fuck is wrong with you people?! [pauses] Wait! That better not be what I think it is!

[End I Think I'm Turning Japanese]

CARTMAN:  
[screaming] Oh! God dammit!


	12. Wendy, I Resurrected the Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Chrono Trigger Saga, Part 1.
> 
> After suffering a tragic loss, Stan finds a book that would allow him to revive a lost loved-one. However, things go horribly wrong...and something that was best forgotten rears its head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This a rewrite posted roughly six to eight months after the original. Again, this is only mentioned due to a sudden change in style between surrounding chapters.

This can't be happening. This CAN'T be happening. Something bad has happened. I know it. Why else would we be driving to the hospital in silence? I know she has health problems, but-- If-- If something happened, I-- I don't think I'll be able to handle it. Oh, God! Please... Please just let her be safe. If not for me, then for her.

As I stared out the car window at the trees flying by, I felt a hand touch my shoulder from behind and a melodic voice say my name with concern. Please, not now. I don't want to talk. I'll start talking in past tense. Now is not the time for that. Later. Yeah, later. Then we can talk about this ordeal happily in the past tense. Yeah. Yeah! Everything's gonna work out just fine. Just fine... Oh, God... I hope...

________________________________________

[SCENE: Road in the Woods - Night  
Rain falls quietly amongst the autumn stricken deciduous trees as a slight breeze causes the leaves of said trees to dance about to an unheard song. A church bell echoes sadly in the distance. *dong...* An acorn falls almost soundlessly from a nearby oak tree as the faint scraping sounds of shoes running on pavement and uncontrollable male sobbing is softly heard. The church bell echoes sadly again; this time slightly louder than the last. *dong...*]

[FUZZY FLASHBACK]  
[Cut to Dr. Doctor as he talks to the camera over various background hospital sounds.]

DR. DOCTOR:  
[echoes, sadly] I'm sorry... I'm afraid-- *dong* --has a rather advanced case of an ovarian cancer. It is unfortunate, but the cancer has spread to the surrounding areas of her body. If she had sought help sooner, something could have been done.

[When the sounds of a young man crying are heard, the doctor tries to smile comfortingly.]

DR. DOCTOR:  
[echoes, sadly] I'm sorry...but I'm afraid that-- *dong* --does not have much longer to live...

[END FUZZY FLASHBACK]

[Cut to the running feet. The black boots hit the wet pavement quickly. Lightning flashes briefly, illuminating the blurred background for but a mere few moments, and is soon followed by loud rumbling thunder.

TEEN BOY:  
[voiceover, crying] No! It-- It can't be true!

[FLASHBACK]  
[Cut to a hospital room, where we see the back of a young man, shoulders and down, as he stands over an occupied hospital bed. A heart monitor, standing guard nearby, beeps in a steadily decreasing rhythmic fashion. Once again, the echoing church bell is heard. *Dong*]

TEEN GIRL:  
[voiceover, softly] Stan, please don't cry...

[After a moment of hearing only the decreasing heart monitor, the boy starts to softly cry. After thunder rumbles into a crescendo, the running boy is heard tripping and crying out. *Dong*]  
[END FLASHBACK]

[Cut back to the black boots, once again moving quickly across the wet pavement.]

TEEN BOY:  
[voiceover, crying] I re-- I refuse to believe it!

TEEN GIRL:  
[voiceover, softly] I'll always be here for you...

[FLASHBACK]  
[Cut back to the hospital room and the boy's back. As he softly cries, the church bell is, again, heard echoing in the forest. *Dong*]

TEEN BOY:  
[voiceover, hoarse whisper] I-- I love you...

[The heart monitor suddenly announces to all that the one it was watching over is no longer among the living. When the teen boy falls to his knees and cries into the bed sheet, thunder rumbles once again; this time louder than before. Cut to the South Park Cemetery *DONG* where the whole town is gathered around a freshly made grave. While the heart monitor's eulogy continues to inform of the horrendous news, Father Maxi preaches soundlessly near the grave stone.]

TEEN BOY 2:  
[voiceover, crying] Come on, Stan...

[When the electronic eulogy stops in an echo, cut to black.]

TEEN BOY 2:  
[voiceover, crying] There's nothing more we can do here...

[END FLASHBACK]

[Cut back to the running boots. After hearing the teen boy scream in distress, the camera pulls back to reveal that it is hat-less teenager Stan Marsh who is running. His dark hair, soaked with rain water, falls into his eyes when he closes them. *DONG*]

STAN:  
[crying] Thi-- This isn't real!

[When the scene cuts to a close up of his face, his eyes suddenly open wide and the fear hidden within them is plainly seen.]

STAN:  
[screaming] This isn't real!

[FLASHBACK]  
[Cut back to the cemetery, where only Stan stands before the marble monolith. He falls to his knees as the scene fades to black.]  
[END FLASHBACK]

[The church bell rings loudly one final time--]

STAN:  
[voiceover, screaming] THIS ISN'T REAL!!!

  
[SCENE: Stan's Room - Dark and Stormy Night  
[--and it and Stan's voice echo into the next scene. Although the room is dark with only a digital alarm clock to faintly light it, Stan can be seen lying on the bed, watching the rain outside pelt his window. When his face is seen, it looks hollow, empty and his eyes red; blood shot as if stricken with an illness.]

CAPTION:  
Two weeks later...

[When there is a knock on the door, Stan does not acknowledge; not even a rolling of his eyes or a change in his breathing pattern.]

RANDY:  
[off screen, timidly] Stan?

STAN:  
[hoarsely] Go away...

[Despite that, the door slowly opens. Randy peeks into the room and gives a sad, empty smile.]

RANDY:  
[timidly] Son, someone's here to see you...

STAN:  
[hoarsely] Tell them to go away. I don't want to see anyone...

[When Randy develops a melancholy expression, he pulls his head back out of the room and soundlessly pulls the door shut. As Stan continues his rain watching, tears start to fall from his bloodshot eyes. Cut to the living room as Randy descends the stairs and regards the teen boy with a green hat standing at the door.]

RANDY:  
I'm sorry, Kyle, but he-- He says that he doesn't want to see anyone.

KYLE:  
[off screen] It's okay. I'll come back later.

[The camera cuts to Kyle as he opens the door. Before he steps out, he turns and gives an empty smile to Randy.]

KYLE:  
[false cheerfulness] Mr. Marsh? Could you at least tell him that his friends miss him?

  
[SCENE: Main Street - Dusk  
[As Stan slowly walks down the street with his hands in his pockets, the rain still falls, as if the skies themselves were mourning for the exact reason he was. When several townspeople try to console him, he coldly keeps on walking, all the while with a forlorn look on his face. When he reaches the Post Office, he runs into Kyle.]

KYLE:  
[downcast] Stan...

[Stan tightly hugs his friend as tears build up in his eyes.]

STAN:  
[crying, hoarse whisper] Kyle... She's gone...

KYLE:  
[soothingly pats Stan on the back] I know, dude... I know...

STAN:  
[attempts to hold back sobs] I-- I feel like a part of me...has guh-gone away to never re-return...

KYLE:  
[tears up] Stan... I know. It's hard, but... Think of things like this; life is similar to a line graph. It has ups, downs, and plateaus and a beginning and an end. There are many things which we have no control over; such as the death of one we know, care about, or...even love. How that affects our line of life, our life graph, whether it being going downhill or staying straight, is entirely up to us. [pats Stan on the back again, whispers] I-- I can only imagine what it must feel like...

[Stan lets out a loud wail of distress, pain, and sadness and buries his face into Kyle's shoulder.]

KYLE:  
[crying] Dude... Me, Kenny, even Cartman... We talked it over. We-- We've got your back on this one, Stan. Day, night. You need us... We'll be there to see you through this...

[Stan lets out another tearful wail and tightly grips Kyle's coat.]

STAN:  
[sobbing loudly] Kyle-- I love you, man...

KYLE:  
[crying] Me too, dude. Me...too...

________________________________________

I had to see her again. I HAD to. I-- I can't function without her. She was my reason, my purpose in life...and she's gone; taken from me in a wink of an eye; almost no warning. I've spent the last two weeks contemplating seeing her again and how I'd go about it. But... I'm scared. What will she say? Will she be happy? Or sad? I don't know what to do... I feel so alone. Since she left me here to fend for myself, all I've felt is this empty feeling, this feeling of...being alone.

It's been two weeks and I've only visited her once. And that was...the day after...she was laid to rest. I want to see her, to see her as she was when she was alive and with me. I want to be able to hold her, feel her warmth and softly beating heart against mine, to smell the violet perfume she always wore. I want to hear her sweet voice telling me that everything will be okay; telling me that she'll be there to help me through this. But now... Now, all I have of her is her beret, her favorite flower, and a big stone tablet in a graveyard...that bears her name...

________________________________________

[SCENE: South Park Cemetery - Dusk  
[The rain may have stopped, but the cloudy skies still remain and threaten the little town with another downpour. Stan sighs as he slowly walks past the many gravestones and puts his hands in his pockets.]

[FLASHBACK]  
[Kyle and Stan are walking down a very wet Main Street.]

KYLE:  
[echoes] Dude, Cartman invited us over to his house to work out on his equipment to blow off some steam. You in?

STAN:  
[echoes] No, dude... There's-- There's someplace I have to be right now...

[END FLASHBACK]

[When the scene returns to the graveyard, Stan has stopped in front of the fresh grave. During a moment of silence, his face contorts from sadness to extreme tearful melancholy.]

STAN:  
[crying] It's only been two weeks, but it feels like...you've been gone for an eternity... I-- I miss you...

TEEN GIRL:  
[off screen] Stan, please don't be sad.

[After Stan quickly looks up in shock, cut to a close up of his hand as another tightly grips it.]

STAN:  
[voiceover, shocked] Wendy...? What-- What are you doing here?

[The feminine hand squeezes the masculine one.]

WENDY:  
[voiceover, softly] I came to comfort you.

[The camera cuts back to the previous shot just as Stan envelopes Wendy in a tight hug.]

STAN:  
[crying] But-- I saw you...with my own eyes--

WENDY:  
[softly] Stan... Please, don't cry. You said goodbye, right?

[FLASHBACK]  
[Cut to a hospital room where Stan is seen standing over a bed and a steadily decreasing beep is heard in the background.]

WENDY:  
[off screen, softly] Stan, please don't cry...

[When the camera circles around to the foot of the bed, not only are crying Kyle and Bebe seen standing on the opposite side of the bed, but the person lying in it and hooked up to the various machines is revealed to be Wendy Testaburger. When she weakly smiles lovingly up at him, Stan starts to cry.]

WENDY:  
[softly] I'll always be here for you...

STAN:  
[hoarse whisper] Wendy, I-- I love you.

[When Wendy weakly raises a hand to caress Stan's cheek, he closes his eyes and attempts to hold back his sobs. After her eyes slowly close, her hand limply falls back to the bed and the heart monitor announces to all her departure from the world of the living. As Stan falls to his knees and cries into the limp hand of his beloved, Bebe lets out a loud tearful wail and buries herself into a crying Kyle.]

KYLE:  
[crying] Come on, Stan... There's nothing more we can do here...

[END FLASHBACK]

[Back at the graveyard, Stan and Wendy, now holding hands, look down upon the grave that is her own.]

STAN:  
[low] I did. I did say goodbye...

WENDY:  
[softly] And she said goodbye to you. No longer...is she suffering.

STAN:  
[low] I know, but...it...still hurts. I feel...like an empty shell.

WENDY:  
[softly] Be strong, Stan. Be strong.

STAN:  
[downcast] I-- I don't know if I can.

[She lightly kisses him on the forehead.]

BEBE:  
[off screen] Stan? Are you alright?

[As Bebe slowly approaches him, Stan nods his head and wipes a few tears from his eyes.]

BEBE:  
Who were you talking to?

[He looks over at Wendy only to find that she is longer there.]

STAN:  
[confused] Wendy?

________________________________________

We were all worried about him; me, Cartman, and Kenny. Granted Stan had gone through depressing stages in his life before, but this time...we seriously had our doubts about him making it through. We did what we could to help him, but Cartman was actually beginning to wonder if Stan really wanted help at all. At the time, I called that fat tub of lard a stupid asshole, but now, I'm beginning to see that he may have been right. Stan was going all out to avoid us, spending a lot of time alone in his room and staring out the window or the ceiling. I understand that the loss was devastating, but...there's only so much that can be done. He needs to let go and accept reality...for what it is. The only question is: how do you help someone who is this emotionally scarred?

________________________________________

[SCENE: Cartman's Basement  
Strategically placed around the large room are various workout equipment; weight lifting machines, a punching bag, a bench press, and even a mini boxing ring, while posters of movies, such as "Fight Club", "Pulp Fiction", and "Reservoir Dogs" litter the walls. An expensive looking stereo system, located in a far corner of the basement, blares AC/DC's "What Do You Do For Money Honey" as a sweating and swearing Cartman beats the hell out of the afore mentioned punching bag. Kenny, on the afore mentioned bench press, lifts weights while Kyle acts as his spotter.]

KYLE:  
I saw Stan today.

CARTMAN:  
[panting] Really? That asshole actually came out of his house? Ha! There's a shock.

KYLE:  
[annoyed] Hm.

CARTMAN:  
[panting] Well? Is he comin' over to release those pent up emotions?

[He punches the bag with an extra surge of power and then turns to regard Kyle. The bag, still in motion from the hit, swings back and knocks Cartman face down to the ground.]

CARTMAN:  
[muffled] Sonova bitch!

KYLE:  
[laughing] Ha! That's classic!

[Cartman flips Kyle the bird while he picks himself up off the floor.]

CARTMAN:  
[low] Asshole.

KYLE:  
[snickering] To answer your question: No, I don't think he is.

KENNY:  
[grunting] Where was he going?

KYLE:  
[looks down at Kenny] Well, he said something about having to be somewhere, so I assumed he was talking about the cemetery. I wanted to go with him, but...

CARTMAN:  
[raises an eyebrow in curiosity] But?

KYLE:  
He... He said he wanted to be alone.

[Kenny sets the weights on their pedestals and sits up.]

KENNY:  
And you let him go? By himself?

KYLE:  
Relax, dude. I gave Bebe a call and informed her of the situation, so...

CARTMAN:  
Good call, Jew.

KENNY:  
As long as someone is with him, he should be all right.

CARTMAN:  
I hope.

KYLE:  
Y'know, Cartman, for someone who's racist, foul mouthed, and just basically could give a rat's ass about anyone save himself, you've been pretty civil about this.

CARTMAN:  
[defensively] Hey, I may be an asshole, but I'm certainly not a major asshole! The guy just lost his girlfriend of nine years for Christ's sake! Did you really think I'm that cold hearted?

KYLE/KENNY:  
[perfect unison] Yes.

CARTMAN:  
[annoyed] Bite me. Hell, if I was in his shoes and it was MY girlfriend that was six feet under, I probably would've either taken my own life or taken down the entire town in a bad ass killing spree.

KENNY:  
Huh.

CARTMAN:  
"Huh" what?

KENNY:  
You can be compassionate after all.

CARTMAN:  
Go fornicate yourself with a cattle prod, asshole.

KENNY:  
[annoyed] I'd like to have my last remark stricken from the record.

KYLE:  
Whew! What a relief! And here I was, thinking that you had been abducted by evil mole people and replaced with a compassionate information seeking robot duplicate.

CARTMAN:  
[sarcastically] Ha ha! That is so funny, Kyle! Shouldn't you be on your god damn computer talkin' to yer frickin' girlfriend right about now?

KYLE:  
I can't talk to her when she's flying over the ocean.

CARTMAN:  
[comically shocked] A-wha?! Fuh-flying? [pissed] Oh, god! That bitch is comin' here, ain't she?

[Kyle, with a big grin on his face, nods.]

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] God dammit, Kyle! Please tell me she's only stayin' for a week and then yer gonna stuff her in a cardboard box and ship 'er chink ass back ta Japan or China or where ever the fuck she's from!

KYLE:  
Actually, tubby, once she gets her citizenship and we graduate from high school next month, she and I are gonna buy a house outside town with what little money we have saved up.

[Kenny stares shocked at Kyle while Cartman, with his eyes bugged out, silently moves his mouth in an attempt to speak.]

KYLE:  
Spit it out, Cartman.

CARTMAN:  
Okay, okay... Let me get this straight. She's coming here...and...she's staying?

KYLE:  
My god! His brain works after all!

CARTMAN:  
Sonova-- [pissed] Ay!

KENNY:  
Wow.

KYLE:  
I haven't told my parents yet, but tomorrow, the exact moment she gets off the plane, I'm asking her to marry me!

KENNY:  
Double wow!

CARTMAN:  
[crosses his arms] Kyle, I may hate you, yer god damn Vietnamese prostitute, and everythin' that the two of you stand for, but...congrats.

KYLE:  
Heh. I'd be offended if I didn't already know for a fact that you actually care about me, fat ass. And, dude, if Bebe heard you say that, she'd so kick your ass.

CARTMAN:  
[annoyed] What she doesn't know, won't hurt her, Jew. [low] Oh, and, uh, nobody heard me say that...

[The three look up when the basement door bursts open. Cut to said door, where Bebe stands, doubled over and breathing heavily.]

BEBE:  
[breathing heavily] Guys... We need to talk...

[SCENE: Stan's Room  
Stan is lying on his bed in a fetal position, with a look of absolute fright covering his face.]

STAN:  
[softly] Wendy... Please... Come back to me...

[He closes his eyes and cries softly.]

STAN:  
[softly] I-- I miss you...

________________________________________

[SCENE: Denver Airport - Waiting Area  
While Sheila and Gerald sit in chairs, looking quite amused, Kyle paces back and forth nearby, muttering mostly to himself.]

KYLE:  
[muttering] The plane's late! What if-- [eyes wide] What if the pla--

GERALD:  
Now, Kyle, don't get yourself so worked up over it. I'm sure it's just running late.

SHEILA:  
That's right, bubby. The planes are almost running late for some reason or another.

INTERCOM:  
Flight number one-one-three-eight, Denver bound from Tokyo, has now arrived.

Kyle bounces excitedly.

KYLE:  
[ecstatic] She's here! She's here! I didn't doubt it for a moment!

[When he bounds off screen, his parents grin at each other.]

KYLE:  
[off screen, shouting] HEY!!!

TEEN GIRL 2:  
[off screen, shouting] Kairu-kun!

________________________________________

I parked my car in an empty space and turned off the ignition. I saw her. Lord, I saw her. I saw Wendy and...I held her hand. I stepped out into the cold morning air and made my way to the school. I had felt her touch and the beating of her heart through that touch. I miss that touch, that feeling. But, she had left again, much in the same way that she appeared. I was alone again. Am-- Am I destined to be alone? God? Please give me your answer. I-- I don't want to be alone. I want to be...with her, but I don't want to die. Lord, please, give her back to me. I'm on my knees, begging you. I hesitated just outside the building, fearing the vast amount of faces that I'd see. Please, I'll do anything. Just-- Just give Wendy back to me.

________________________________________

[SCENE: South Park High School - Hallway  
Stan closes his locker and leans heavily upon it.]

STAN:  
[sighs] I do not want to be here. Wendy...

[As all the other kids pass on by, their mixed chattering becomes louder, distorted, and echoes so much that it is difficult to discern anything from it. Stan's face screws up in extreme pain as he brings his hands up to his ears to drown out the noise. Blood oozes out from underneath his hands and runs down his arms, staining his clothes.]

STAN:  
Make it stop! [screaming] MAKE IT STOP!!!

[As he slowly slides down the locker into a crouching position, the background turns a shade of dark red and twists and turns like a rag being wrung free of water. Stan closes his tearing eyes tightly and then screams.]

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] Stan?!

[When the background ceases its movement and returns to its normal colors and the blood disappears from Stan's person, the loud chattering comes to a halt. All the kids have formed a semicircle around Stan and look upon him with either pity or confusion. A few kids are roughly shoved aside when Cartman and Kenny squeeze their way through the crowd.]

CARTMAN:  
[shouting] Get the FUCK outta my way, assholes!

[After the two rush up to the whacked out boy, Cartman grips Stan by the shoulders and shakes him.]

CARTMAN:  
[concerned] Dude! Dude! You okay?!

[Stan slowly opens his eyes and looks around like a newly born baby in a new environment.]

STAN:  
[slowly] Wendy?

KENNY:  
[slowly] Stan?

STAN:  
[frightened] Wuh-Wendy, where are you?

CARTMAN:  
[taken aback] You're not okay, are you?

STAN:  
[frantically] Wendy, why can't I see you?! Why?!

KENNY:  
[eyes wide] I-- I think he's delusional...

[As the scene fades to black, Stan breaks free of Cartman's grip and runs, screaming, down the hall.]

STAN:  
[frantically] Wendy?! [now a voiceover, screaming] Weeeeennndyyyyy!!!

[There are a few moments of silence, before the sound of a running car engine is heard.]

TEEN GIRL 2:  
[voiceover] So, I take it that Stan-san is not doing too well...

[SCENE: The Broflovski's Car  
After fading in, Kyle takes off his hat, closes his eyes, and leans his head back against the rear seat backing. Eiko merely sits beside him with a look of concern on her face.]

KYLE:  
[downcast, sighs] Not too well at all. He-- He's actually been trying to avoid all of us since the incident. While I understand his conundrum, I'm still troubled. Now even more so.

[Cut to Stan, frantically running down Main Street and constantly looking back and forth, as if searching for something or someone.]

KYLE:  
[voiceover] Bebe told us that he's been seeing visions...of Wendy.

When Stan comes up to the Library, he stops and stares at the building in wonderment.

STAN:  
[hopefully] Wendy? Wendy, you-- You're in the library, right? [nods] Yeah! You have to be! It was your favorite hangout spot!

[He roughly opens the double doors and rushes inside.]

EIKO:  
[voiceover] Oyamaa... Poor Stan...

[SCENE: Inside the Library  
The double doors burst open and Stan rushes inside.]

STAN:  
Wendy?!

[The librarian gives him a look of annoyance.]

LIBRARIAN:  
Young man, this is a library, not a rock concert.

STAN:  
[sheepishly] Uh, sorry...

[In the background, Wendy pops out between two large bookcases and waves to Stan excitedly. A look of relief washes over his face before he quickly makes his way over to where she was seen. However, he finds the area devoid of a human presence other than his own.]

STAN:  
[confused, hushed] Wendy?

WENDY:  
[off screen, giggles] Hi, Stan!

[Stan peeks out from around the wall of books to see Wendy standing near a different set of bookcases on the far side of the gargantuan room. She smiles and bounces up and down in excitement.]

WENDY:  
Over here!

STAN:  
[hushed] Wendy!

[He rushes up to her and envelopes her in a tight hug, all the while crying tears of joy.]

STAN:  
[hushed] Oh, god! Wendy! You-- You won't believe how much I've wanted hold you; to feel your warmth, to look upon your eyes, to see your beautiful smile...

WENDY:  
[sadly] Stan... Wendy's dead.

STAN:  
[shocked] What?! [hushed] Wha-- What are you saying? What's with this third person stuff?

[She kisses him briefly on the forehead and then takes both his hands in hers.]

WENDY:  
[sadly] Stan, please. Stop trying to fight reality. You won't win.

STAN:  
[hushed] But, I--

WENDY:  
[sadly] Stan, I'm not Wendy. I'm just your rational side talking to you through a form that you'd most likely listen to.

[She suddenly disappears, leaving Stan to hang his head in sadness and to attempt to stifle his crying.]

WENDY:  
[voiceover] Stan, if you continue down this path, it will only lead you to ruin. For her sake and your own, let it go.

[Cut to Main Street where Cartman, Bebe, and Kenny are hurrying along in a search for Stan.]

CARTMAN:  
God dammit! When I find that whacked out dipshit, I'm gonna beat his ass to the god damn ground!

BEBE:  
[smacks Cartman upside the head] Cartman! He's grieving! Not properly, mind you! But it's grieving none the less!

CARTMAN:  
[sighs] All right. I'll wait a month, then kick his hippie ass. But before I can do that, we need to find him. So... Where the hell is he?

KENNY:  
We could be going about this all wrong. Stan obviously thinks that Wendy is alive. So, if you were Stan, where would you go to find her?

[When the three stop walking and form a loose circle, cut to a shot looking up at their faces from a camera positioned at their knees.]

CARTMAN:  
Well, if I was Stan, first, I'd go to her house, and if she wasn't there...

BEBE:  
Then, I'd try my own house...but if that was a no-go...

KENNY:  
Then, I'd go to the school, but since he was already there to begin with...

BEBE:  
[wide eyed] Then that leaves--

ALL:  
[shouting] --THE LIBRARY!!!

[Cut back to Stan as he slowly walks down a dark aisle in the library.]

WENDY:  
[voiceover, softly] I'll always be here for you...but for her sake and your own, let it go.

[Stan stops walking and cries into his hands.]

STAN:  
[crying] I want to, but-- But I can't...

[After he raises his head and looks around, his jaw drops. He wipes the tears from his eyes and plucks a very old book from a shelf. He stares at it, mesmerized by its magic.]

STAN:  
[reading] "The Black Art of Resurrection"...? [looks to the camera, shocked] Dude!

[Cut, once again, back to Main Street where Kyle and Eiko are treading, hand in hand.]

KYLE:  
Dude! Everyone is so gonna be happy to see you!

EIKO:  
[blandly] Except for Cartman-kun...

KYLE:  
Right! Hey, wait... Who the hell cares what he thinks? Maybe seeing you will bring Stan outta this.

EIKO:  
Oyamaa, Kairu-kun, I do not think that will happen.

KYLE:  
Hey. I'm trying to be positive here.

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] Stupid Jew!

KYLE:  
Huh? [looks around] Cartman?

[When Cartman, Kenny, and Bebe run up to Kyle and Eiko, the larger boy grips the Jewish boy by his shoulders.]

KYLE:  
What the hell's going on?

CARTMAN:  
[concerned] It's Stan!

EIKO:  
[shocked] Stan-kun? Wha-- What is wrong?

KENNY:  
No time to explain! [runs off] C'mon!

BEBE:  
[grabs Eiko's hand and quickly leads her off] We'll fill you in on the way to the library!

Kyle stares at Cartman, who hasn't moved an inch.

KYLE:  
Something bad happened. Didn't it?

CARTMAN:  
[softly] Yeah.

[Cut back to the library as Stan, with a book tucked under his arm, is about to make an exit. He jumps back in shock when the doors suddenly burst open in his face.]

STAN:  
[shocked] Holy crap! [meekly] Guys...?

KENNY:  
[sighs] Oh, thank you, Jesus.

CARTMAN:  
Christ, Stan! You damn near scared the livin' shit outta us!

Stan looks at everyone for a moment or two.

STAN:  
[slowly] I... I guess I did, huh. You... You guys really care that much about me? To-- To follow me here?

KYLE:  
Dude, if we didn't, what the hell kinda friends would we be?

BEBE:  
Yeah!

EIKO:  
Stan-kun... Be strong.

[Stan's eyes open wide for a moment before he hangs his head and starts crying.]

STAN:  
[crying, low] Guys, I-- I think I'll finally come to terms with it... Just...give me more time.

[Kyle walks up to Stan and hugs him.]

KYLE:  
C'mon, dude. We'll all see you home. 'Kay?

STAN:  
[slowly nods] Yeah.

[As they all leave, the camera follows them out to the street.]

CARTMAN:  
Well, now that that's been taken care of, there's one thing I need to address.

BEBE:  
What's that, my little creampuff?

KYLE:  
[laughing] Little creampuff...

KENNY:  
I'd say he's more like the Staypuft Marshmallow Man.

CARTMAN:  
[muttering] Shut up, Kenny. [normal] Well, Jap-bitch, I see you made it here in one piece.

[Bebe smacks Cartman in the back of the head.]

CARTMAN:  
Gah! Sonova bitch!

BEBE:  
What did I tell you, fat ass?

EIKO:  
[excitedly] Medetashi! [pissed] Serves you right, himanshita oshiri!

[Stan gives a small laugh.]

STAN:  
[softly] Wow. Even your own girlfriend calls you a fat ass.

KYLE:  
[laughing] That sucks!

EIKO:  
[shocked] Bebe-chan? You're dating...Cartman-kun?

[Bebe hugs one of Cartman's arms and sighs.]

CARTMAN:  
Yeah. We started dating a few years a-- Wait a minute! Why the hell am I telling you this?!

EIKO:  
You do not have to tell me, chipatama. I was asking Bebe-chan.

CARTMAN:  
Why don't you just go back to China and yer rice pickin', bitch?

[Bebe smacks Cartman again.]

CARTMAN:  
[rubs his head] Ow! God dammit...

BEBE:  
What did I tell you?!

CARTMAN:  
[points to Eiko] Well, she started it!

EIKO:  
Keep tempting me, chipatama, and you will find yourself with two hundred pounds of rice in your ketsu!

CARTMAN:  
[hides behind Bebe, frightened] Eeep! Save me!

BEBE:  
[rolls her eyes] You only brought it upon yourself, fat ass.

[As Stan smiles sadly, the scene fades out.]

STAN:  
[voiceover] Wendy... I need to see you, to hold you again. Is what I intend to do the right thing? Wendy? ...Is it?

________________________________________

I had the tools, now, I just needed to find the right time to do it. The others had been watching me, like hawks would their prey, but sooner or later they would walk away and when they did, I made my move. I snuck out of my house and made my way into the night, back in the black. I had to see her. I had to hold her, even if it was just for a few moments. Even if I had to summon the Anti-Christ/Devil-Child himself, I will see her again! I will hold her again! But...something kept nagging me in the back of mind. What if I fail? My hopes would have been raised for what? For me to fall, and my heart to shatter once again? Despite the fact that I was unsure if I wanted to continue this abomination unto the Lord, I suddenly found myself standing outside the front gate of her resting place. The South Park Cemetery. Wendy... Don't you struggle. Don't you fight. Don't you worry, because I'm here on this dark night. I slowly opened the gate and caused a sharp creaking to fill the sound voided night. I cringed and nervously looked around. Lord, please, let me put my love on the line. For her, for Wendy.

________________________________________

[SCENE: South Park Graveyard - Night  
As the moon shines brightly in the western sky, rain threatening clouds loom directly above and in the eastern part of the sky. Fog covers the land and seems to glow a dull white in the pale moonlight. Despite it all, Stan slowly walks through the tombstone dotted landscape. As he passes by a few, the moonlight illuminates the engraved names, allowing them to be read, with the exception of one that bears no engraving at all. After he passes a few more, he stops at his destination.]

STAN:  
[low] Wendy, I'm ready to do this.

[He pulls the book from the library out from under his arm and opens it.]

STAN:  
[reading] "Thank you for purchasing 'The Black Art of Resurrection'. Remember, when raising the dead, to follow our instructions exact or your town will be attacked by zombies." [looks at the camera in shock] Jesus tap dancing Christ! I'm not sure if I want to do this now! [determined] No! I can't pussy out!

[He frantically starts flipping through the book.]

STAN:  
[low] Where is it? [muttering] Toad resurrection? No. Deer resurrection? No. Resurrect Milli Vanilli? [disgusted] No! [muttering] Penis resurrection for the elderly? [shocked] Dude! [low] Oh! Here it is. Lost Love resurrection. [reading] "Hold one hand above your head and then shout aloud, 'Spirits from above! Allow me to see...' then say the name of the one you love."

[He closes the book and tosses it over his shoulder.]

STAN:  
Huh. That sounds almost TOO easy... [sighs] Alright! Let's do this!

[He holds one hand above his head and shouts to the sky.]

STAN:  
[shouting] Spirits from above! Allow me to see then say the name of the one you love! [blinks] Oh, wait...

[Stan looks around as fear begins to creep into his mind.]

STAN:  
[low, frightened] Aw, crap. I think...I just fucked up.

CHILD:  
[off screen] Actually, dude, you just did me a big favor.

[Cut to a close up of half of Stan's fear filled face. Behind him, his nine year old self walks up, all the while smirking happily.]

CHILD:  
Hi, Dead Stan.

[Stan quickly whirls around as the child wipes some dirt from his hat.]

STAN:  
[frightened] Who-- Who are you?

CHILD:  
[puzzled] Me? Dude, don't you recognize yourself when you see you?

STAN:  
You-- You look like I did...and sound like I did, but--

CHILD:  
[grins] --it's impossible, right? Oh, no. This is very real. I'm you, dude.

STAN:  
I-- I don't understand.

CHILD:  
Dude! You know that nameless grave that Wendy and Kyle've been draggin' you to every Christmas?

[Stan only nods.]

CHILD:  
That's me. I'm the other Stan Marsh. Well, actually, I'm the real Stan. You're the other.

STAN:  
[frightened] Wuh-what?

DEAD STAN:  
Dude, don't fret. I'm not expecting you to fully understand the situation here. So, I'll explain it to you. "Stan Marsh" is supposed to be dead because of that asshole Cartman's jealousy. But...God felt pity for Kyle and Wendy and decided that he'd unmake that decision.

[When he raises an arm to point to Stan, dirt and earthworms fall from his glove and coat.]

DEAD STAN:  
That's how "you" came about, dude.

[Stan looks down at the worms writhing on the ground and then back up at Dead Stan.]

STAN:  
[frightened] But that's--

DEAD STAN:  
\--impossible? Again, it's very real. You see, God can screw up at times. Not very often, but it has been known to happen. Remember that movie "Muholland Drive"?

[Stan nods.]

DEAD STAN:  
That was his first mistake. And as proof to the testament of his second mistake, I'm still here and so is my grave... And thanks to your existence, I was kicked out of Heaven. We can't have two of me up there, can we? But thanks to you, I'm free again! [happily] Who'd a thought that I'd save myself from eternal damnation? Thanks, Self!

STAN:  
[shocked] Uh... You're welcome...Self?

DEAD STAN:  
There is one thing though. In this world, there can be only one "Stan Marsh"!

[The child raises his hands to the sky and an uncountable number of zombies begin crawling out of the graves. One in particular catches Stan's eyes, causing him to take a step back out of fear and shock.]

STAN:  
[eyes wide] Wuh-Wendy?

ZOMBIE WENDY:  
[guttural] Hiiii, Ssssssstaaannn...

DEAD STAN:  
[ecstatic] Wow! And I thought Wendy was hot when we were kids! Holy hell! She's even hotter now that she's dead!

[Stan, in utter fear, attempts to turn and run away, but finds himself surrounded entirely by the undead.]

DEAD STAN:  
[pissed] Give it up, “Stan”. You took my life away from me. You took my girl away from me. You EVEN took my rights into Heaven away from me. Now, I'm taking those things back!

[Stan screams out of fear and punches a nearby zombie in the face, shattering the jaw, and sending rotten blood, skin, bone, and muscle flying through the air. He shoves his way through the crowd of the undead and makes his way for the cemetery gate.]

DEAD STAN:  
[shouting] I know where "you" live, asshole! [normal] Hmm... Fighting myself... [laughs] That's actually kinda funny.

[Zombie Wendy walks up to the child Stan and stands beside him, looking at the spot where teenaged Stan had vacated.]

ZOMBIE WENDY:  
[guttural] Sssssstaaannn...

Dead Stan claps his hands together, causing more dirt and earthworms to fall from his clothes.

DEAD STAN:  
Alright, everyone! It's our time, now! Let's go get those living bastards!

[When all of the zombies moan, groan, or screech in agreement, child Stan closes his eyes and holds out his arms as he listens to the unworldly sounds.]

DEAD STAN:  
[giggles] Music to my decomposing ears...

[As the zombies march army-like to the front gate, more and more crawl out of the wet ground. As Zombie Wendy stares blankly ahead and Dead Stan laughs maniacally, cut to black.]

STAN:  
[voiceover, frantically] Wendy... I-- I've done something bad.

  
[SCENE: Road in the Woods - Night  
Rain falls quietly amongst the autumn stricken deciduous trees as a slight breeze causes the leaves of said trees to dance about to a song. A church bell echoes sadly in the distance. *dong...* An acorn falls almost soundlessly from a nearby oak tree as the faint scraping sounds of shoes running on pavement and uncontrollable male sobbing is softly heard. The church bell echoes sadly again; this time slightly louder than the last. *dong...*]

STAN:  
[voiceover, crying] I set out to do something good, but...

[When the sounds of a young man crying are heard, the camera begins to slowly move forward.]

STAN:  
[voiceover, crying] I messed up.

[Cut to black boots as they hit the wet pavement quickly. Lightning flashes briefly, illuminating the blurred background for but a mere few moments, and is soon followed by loud rumbling thunder.]

STAN:  
[voiceover, crying] No! It-- It can't be true!

[Once again, the echoing church bell is heard. *Dong* Water splashes as the boots stomp down in a puddle.]

STAN:  
[voiceover, crying] There's no way!

ZOMBIE WENDY:  
[voiceover, guttural] Hiiiiii, Ssssstaaaannn...

[After thunder rumbles into a crescendo, Stan trips over a broken tree branch that had been lying on the ground and falls to the pavement, losing his hat in the process. *Dong* On his face is a look of utter desperation.]

STAN:  
[crying] Wendy--

[He gets back up and once again moves quickly across the wet pavement.]

STAN:  
[crying] I re-- I refuse to believe it!

WENDY:  
[voiceover, softly] I'll always be here for you...

[After the church bell is, again, heard echoing in the forest, *Dong* Stan reaches up, pulls on his hair, and screams in utter desperation. Lightning flashes once more and is followed by rolling thunder. His dark hair, soaked with rain water, falls into his eyes when he closes them. *DONG*]

STAN:  
[crying] Thi-- This isn't real!

[When the scene cuts to a close up of his face, his eyes suddenly open wide and the fear hidden within them is plainly seen.]

STAN:  
[screaming] This isn't real!

[The church bell rings loudly one final time.]

STAN:  
[screaming] THIS ISN'T REAL!!!

[The scene cuts to black.]

STAN:  
[voiceover, sobbing] Please, forgive me... Wendy! I-- I resurrected the dead.

________________________________________

The rain fell in a near raging torrent, but the shadowy figure didn't care. It had other things to be concerned about. It sniffed the air. Yes, it recognized that scent. It was his scent. He had been this way and...he was near; near enough it could taste him. Stealthily and quickly, it made its way down the wet pavement to its destination. The trees blurred by on either side as the figure ran. Yes. He was near. But something else made its way into its thoughts. Hunger. Burning hunger that needed to be satiated, but with what?

A picket fence suddenly appeared near the road the figure was stalking. Lightning flashed and booming thunder soon followed. HE was near. The figure stopped to sniff the air again. Food was near as well. If HE was found, so would be food. The figure grinned a pearly white grin and headed off towards its destination, a house a ways down the road. Using the rain and fog as cover, it quickly made its way through the many backyards. It couldn't wait to eat. It couldn't wait...to see...HIM.

________________________________________

[SCENE: Cartman's House  
As the teens stand about in the living room, the TV drones on in the background. Ms. Cartman pokes her head out from around a corner and smiles sweetly at them.]

LIANE:  
Does anyone need anything?

CARTMAN:  
No, ma. I think we're all set.

LIANE:  
Alrighty! If you need mommy, sweetie, she’ll be in the kitchen preparing dinner. Okay?

CARTMAN:  
[rolls eyes] Yeah, cool, ma.

EIKO:  
How could such a nice woman give birth to such a fat racist bakayarou like you?

CARTMAN:  
Actually, if I remember correctly, I believe I didn't invite you to this little pow-wow, Chink.

[When the two look ready to kill each other, Kyle steps between them.]

KYLE:  
Guys! Seriously! Give it a rest already! Eiko's just as much Stan's friend as any of the rest of us.

CARTMAN:  
[mutters] Bitch.

EIKO:  
[scoffs] Hiretsukan.

KENNY:  
Anyway, I'm guessing that you guys might feel the same way, but I think we should all keep a closer eye on Stan for a while.

BEBE:  
I agree. He was acting a little strange when we dropped him off at his house.

CARTMAN:  
Yeah. I got that feelin' too. Almost like he--

[The kids all whirl around when Stan bursts in through the front door and slams it shut behind him. He sheepishly grins when the others look at him, confused.]

KYLE:  
[raises an eyebrow] Stan?

STAN:  
[timidly] Uh, guys? Do you know how to get rid of zombies?

CARTMAN:  
[folds his arms across his chest] I don't like where this is going.

EIKO:  
Stan-san, what exactly do you mean by zombies?

STAN:  
[timidly] I, uh, found a book in the library today and--

BEBE:  
[eyes wide in shock] You didn't!

KYLE:  
[narrows his eyes] Does this book involve the black arts?

STAN:  
[timidly] Maybe...

CARTMAN:  
[turns and walks away] That's it! I'm out!

EIKO:  
Oyamaa... I agree with Cartman-kun on something for once. I don't like where this is going...

CARTMAN:  
[off screen, slowly] You guys? Um, come into the kitchen for a moment...

[The teens all look at each other in confusion.]

KYLE:  
[slowly] Why?

CARTMAN:  
[off screen, slowly] Um, I'm not quite familiar with what I'm seeing.

[Cut to the kitchen where the window above the sink has been left open, allowing the wind and the rain into the house. As a pot of water boils on the nearby stove, the sounds of animal-like eating can be heard. The teens halt themselves behind Cartman at the kitchen entrance and stare with their mouths wide open. The two girls scream, while the boys blink in shock. The camera cuts to their point of view revealing Zombie Wendy, sitting on top of Ms. Cartman and tearing the flesh away from her neck like a hungry wolf goes about eating a rabbit. Once her meal is clamped in her jaws, she vigorously shakes her head back and forth and sends droplets of blood in all directions.]

CARTMAN:  
[shocked] Mom... I--

BEBE:  
[hand over her mouth] Oh my god...

TV:  
[off screen] This just in! It seems that the small and quaint mountain town of South Park is being overrun by zom-- [screams]

KYLE:  
[slowly] Let's just back away, nice and quietly...

[As they all take a step back, Bebe pulls Cartman along with her.]

KYLE:  
[low] God dammit, Stan! What the hell were you hoping to accomplish by raising the dead?!

STAN:  
I-- I wanted to see Wendy...

BEBE:  
[low] Stan, Wendy was my best friend! I miss her just as much as you, if not more so! But you didn't see me going around like some kind of fucking idiot and bringing--

ZOMBIE WENDY:  
[off screen, guttural] Ssssssstaaaaannn...

[Cut to Zombie Wendy as she looks up at everyone and grins a bloody grin. Shreds of bloody skin hang out from the corners of her mouth and blood covers the whole front of her dirt covered clothes.]

EIKO:  
[frightened] Oyamaa... I think now would be a good time vacate to a safer location.

KENNY:  
Don't think about it! Do it!

[Cut to the outside of the house as the teens burst out of the front door, screaming and one by one. Bebe, who is bringing up the rear, is soon tackled to the ground by Dead Stan.]

DEAD STAN:  
[grins evilly] Jesus, Bebe! And I thought you had big boobs before! Holy crap! You stuff your bra with watermelons or something?

BEBE:  
[screams] CARTMAN!!!

[All the teens whirl around.]

CARTMAN:  
[shocked] Bebe?!

KYLE:  
[shocked] Holy shit!

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] Go!

KENNY:  
What?!

CARTMAN:  
[shouting] I said, "Go!", god dammit!

[After several zombies crawl their way out of the ground to separate the teens from Bebe and Dead Stan, Kenny and the others look at each other for a moment.]

KENNY:  
Okay. Your funeral!

KYLE:  
Dude!

[After Kenny drags them off, Cartman meets the group of zombies head on to butt heads with them.]

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] Outta my way, assholes!

[After punching the nearest one in the face and sending it to the ground, he picks it up by its feet and, after spinning around a few times, lets it fly at another. The two conk heads with a comical percussion beat and collapse to the ground in a heap.]

CARTMAN:  
[cheering] I so kick ass!

[Bebe makes an attempt to rise to her hands and knees, but Dead Stan, with his hands on her shoulders and a foot on her back, pins her to the ground.]

DEAD STAN:  
[pissed] Hey! Stay down, bitch!

CARTMAN:  
[off screen, pissed] Hey, dickhole!

[Cut to Cartman just as he sidesteps a zombie aiming to tackle him--]

CARTMAN:  
[pissed, slowly] Get off my girlfriend.

[--only to step into the waiting arms of another.]

CARTMAN:  
God dammit!

DEAD STAN:  
[puzzled] Cartman? Bebe's your girlfriend?! [normal] Ha! Now there's something to laugh about!

[Cut to Cartman as he headbutts his assailant with the back of his head and shoves it away.]

BEBE:  
Cartman! Don't worry about me!

DEAD STAN:  
But damn! You sure got lucky to be with a girl with boobs like those! Holy shit!

[Dead Stan's eyes flash in anger as he makes a gesture with a free hand, which, in turn, causes the ground around Cartman to erupt with the undead.]

CARTMAN:  
[shocked] Oh, fuck...

DEAD STAN:  
It's a shame that I have to kill her. Oh, well.

CARTMAN:  
[shouting] No, wait!

DEAD STAN:  
[grins] Such is life.

BEBE:  
[struggling, screaming] CARTMAN!!!

[Just when Dead Stan makes to bite Bebe in the shoulder, cut to Cartman performing a backhand roundhouse punch, in slow motion, on three zombies at once and shattering their faces in a shower of rotten gore. Black blood flies in all directions and spatters on Cartman's clothes. Return to normal speed just as zombified Mr. Mackey stalks up behind our tubby hero and attempts to grab his head. Cartman ducks just in the nick of time and leaves Mr. Mackey holding only the yellow and sky blue stocking cap.]

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] Fuck!

[Just as Dead Stan sinks his teeth into Bebe's shoulder and she screams a long continuous note, Cartman punches one zombie in the chest, deflating it--]

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] Fuck!

[--stomps the toes of the one next to it--]

CARTMAN:  
[shouting] FUCK!!!

[--and then grabs the head of his next victim and rips it off with ease. Bebe's scream suddenly dies and Cartman gets tackled to the ground.]

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] You fuckin' bastards!

  
[SCENE: Main Street  
As Cartman's last line echoes throughout the town, the other teens run down the puddle filled street. Lightning flashes, illuminating all the various zombified South Park citizens as they moan and sway back and forth, attempting to make their way to the fleeing teens. Thunder rolls overhead.]

KYLE:  
[frantic] Oh, shit! What're we gonna do now?!

KENNY:  
We need weapons!

STAN:  
My uncle Jimbo's gun shop! Let's go there!

EIKO:  
Kenny-kun! We shouldn't have abandoned them!

STAN:  
Dude! This isn't the proper area for this discussion!

KYLE:  
[frantic] Who the FUCK cares?! Let's just do SOMETHING!

KENNY:  
We have to keep moving! If we had stayed to help them, or if we turn around and go back, it'll mean our deaths!

EIKO:  
But we cannot just abandon them!

KENNY:  
We just have to assume that Cartman can take care of himself!

[Kyle screams and points at whatever is forming a shadow that is looming over them--]

STAN:  
[frightened] Shuh-Chef?

[--which happens to be a zombified Chef, who also happens to be missing one of his arms.]

ZOMBIE CHEF:  
[guttural] Chhhiiiiillllldreeeennnn...

[After the teens all scream and hug each other in fear, cut back to Cartman, now on his feet and fighting, as he grabs a zombie by the shoulders and, at the same time that he throws it to the ground, he brings his knee up. The zombie's head explodes from the impact, covering Cartman in even more gore and tearing his clothes. Dead Stan now sitting on the dead Bebe, laughs heartily at Cartman's antics.]

DEAD STAN:  
You know, fat ass, in my reality, you killed me. Dude! It's kinda ironic that I'll be the one to kill you!

CARTMAN:  
What the hell are you talking about?!

[Cartman ducks to avoid a blow aimed at his head--]

CARTMAN:  
Gimme that!

[--grabs the arm and rips it off his assailant's torso in another shower of black and rotten gore.]

DEAD STAN:  
Oops. I forgot, dude. You don't know the story. Sorry! I'm not telling it again!

[Cartman whips the arm about like a flail, beaning one zombie in the head and sending it recoiling into a group that had been rushing up to him. After performing several fancy tricks with his new weapon, he flings it across the battlefield like a boomerang and pegs an opponent in the stomach.]

DEAD STAN:  
Hey, Cartman. Turn around! Someone wants to say "hi"!

[When Cartman turns his head and screams at what he sees, cut to the zombies Wendy and Bebe as they stare at him, blankly. The blank stares soon disappear when Bebe develops a slight evil smirk and Wendy bares her blood stained teeth.]

CARTMAN:  
[shocked] You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!

[When Cartman backs away in shock, Dead Stan comes up beside his zombie minions and makes a slight gesture with his eyes. The ground around Cartman's house soon erupts with the bodies of the undead. Like ants from an ant hill heading for food, they swarm behind Dead Stan, Wendy, and Bebe.]

DEAD STAN:  
Face it. You can't defeat my army of darkness.

  
[SCENE: Main Street - Outside Jimbo's Guns  
When the teens run up to the door, Stan frantically pounds on it.]

STAN:  
[shouting] Uncle Jimbo! Uncle Jimbo!

[The door suddenly opens, revealing not Jimbo, but Clyde.]

KYLE:  
[frantic] Clyde?!

CLYDE:  
Hurry up and get in here!

[After the door is slammed shut, cut to the inside where a nervous Tweek is huddled in a corner and clutching a lead pipe close to his chest.]

TWEEK:  
[low, quickly] Oh, Jesus! They're gonna get me!

STAN:  
[looks around] Where is everyone?

CLYDE:  
[sadly] I dunno. I was with Craig when he was...

KYLE:  
[downcast] Dude...

CLYDE:  
I met up with Tweek near the Post Office.

TWEEK:  
[shaking] Argh! They-- They got Butters! [grabs hair] Oh, sweet Jesus! I'm next! I'm next! [screams]

KENNY:  
Dude! Don't say that!

KYLE:  
We need weapons to fight these assholes!

CLYDE:  
Well, we are in a gun shop...

[Cut to sometime later as Stan and Kyle both load matching shot guns. Kenny, brandishing a chainsaw, walks up to them and holds it up for everyone to see.]

KENNY:  
[grins] Look at what I found!

[Clyde, standing nearby, taps a metal baseball bat into his free hand.]

CLYDE:  
What now?

EIKO:  
We-- We must flee to some place safer. Oyamaa... These thin walls will not prote--

[When quick pounding is heard coming from the door, everyone gasps silently.]

TWEEK:  
[hushed] Oh, god! What if-- What if it's a zombie coming to kill us?!

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] God dammit! Jimbo! Open this god damn door!

KYLE:  
[shocked] Holy shit!

STAN:  
[shocked] Cartman?!

[When Clyde opens the door, Cartman rushes in, slams the door behind him, and leans up against it to catch his breath. His condition looks worse since he was last seen; his clothes torn almost to the point of being mere threads, his gloves, now torn in several places, reveal his bleeding knuckles, and bloodletting cuts litter his face.]

CARTMAN:  
[panting, relieved] Jesus H. Christ!

KYLE:  
Thank god! Cartman!

CARTMAN:  
[panting] You guys? Remember how we used to make fun of our fourth grade teacher before she died? Well, I just saw her...and she's really pissed off.

[As if on cue, a Ms. Choksondik like screech fills the air. When Cartman lowers his head, tears can be seen falling to the floor.]

EIKO:  
[concerned] Are you okay, Cartman-kun?

[Eiko takes a step forward and reaches a hand out to comfort him, but Cartman slaps it away.]

CARTMAN:  
[shouting] Okay? OKAY?! I've been fighting these god damn zombie pricks ever since you guys left me! And to fucking top it off, I saw Bebe get killed and zombified right before my very own eyes! [looks up in anger] How THE FUCK do you think I feel?!

[Eiko takes a step back and looks away from him.]

EIKO:  
[softly] I am sorry...

[When Cartman pounds a fist on the door, everyone shirks back, not knowing what to say.]

CARTMAN:  
[shouting] God DAMMIT, Stan! If you hadn't decided to be a god damn selfish bastard, none of this would be happening right now!

STAN:  
[low] I know that...

KENNY:  
Cartman, Stan may be at fault here, but pointing an accusing finger won't solve anything. If we're gonna survive this, we need to do it together.

[Cartman opens his mouth to shout something, but then decides against it.]

CARTMAN:  
[slowly] Yeah... You're right, Kenny...

[When the door starts rattling behind him, he spins away from it and stops in a fighting stance. The others ready their weapons when zombies start moaning and appear in the window. Eiko crosses her twin swords in front of her as she adopts a defensive stance.]

EIKO:  
Che! If anyone has a suggestion, I think now would be the time for it!

STAN:  
I'll jump out the window and be a decoy. You guys escape out the back entrance!

CLYDE:  
[shocked] Are you crazy?!

CARTMAN:  
God dammit! You assholes are always the heroes! Let me play the hero role for once!

[Cut to a close up of Tweek's worried face.]

TWEEK:  
[low] Argh! If-- If you go out there, you'll be killed!

[Cut to a close up of Cartman's determined face.]

CARTMAN:  
[determined] But I'll be enough of a distraction for you guys to get to safer ground...

[Cut to a close up of Kyle's concerned face.]

KYLE:  
[shouting] No! Cartman! [normal] I'll go!

[Quickly pan over to Kenny, who is looking at Kyle with a raised eyebrow.]

KENNY:  
You're the crazy one...

CARTMAN:  
Don't be stupid, Jew! You've got a girl that you plan to build a family with! Don't throw it all away for me!

[When a sad look crosses her face, Eiko lowers her swords.]

EIKO:  
[softly] Cartman-kun...

TWEEK:  
[off screen] I-- I'll go!

[Everyone turns to Tweek, surprised.]

KENNY:  
Dude...

TWEEK:  
[stands] I-- I'm a faster runner and-- Ack! --I've got a lead pipe! I'll take few of them down with me!

[When the door starts coming off its hinges, zombies screech and moan in excitement.]

KYLE:  
Dude, don't do this.

[Tweek slowly, and calmly, walks up to the door.]

KYLE:  
[off screen] There has to be another way!

TWEEK:  
[softly] I don't know if I can handle this kuh-kind of pressure, but I'm gonna try!

[He readies his pipe as he tightly grips the doorknob.]

CLYDE:  
[off screen] Tweek-- No!

TWEEK:  
[determined] Go! Get away!

[The other teens run to the rear of the building just as Tweek flings the door open to face Ms. Choksondik, Stuart McCormick, and a few other familiar faces. When the zombies screech in the sudden change in environment, Tweek dives into the sea of the undead with a screaming war cry.]

  
[SCENE: Main Street - Elsewhere  
The camera focuses on the cloudy sky as lightning flashes, illuminating the sky.]

TWEEK:  
[echoing voiceover] Argh! Too much pressure! [screams]

[When thunder rumbles loudly as an answer to Tweek's screams, cut to the teens as they, once again, run frantically down the street, their boots causing the water in the puddles to splash up and outwards. Eiko stumbles, but Kyle catches her and the two rush to keep up with the group.]

CLYDE:  
Where're we going again?

STAN:  
I don't know! Any suggestions?

KYLE:  
Bennigan's!

CARTMAN:  
What?!

[Cartman raises an arm and clotheslines a nearby zombie.]

CARTMAN:  
Now's not the time to be thinking with your god damn stomach, Jew!

KYLE:  
Hey! It was just a suggestion, fat ass! I don't hear you giving any!

KENNY:  
Fran's Bank! Banks are built to withstand breaking and enterings! At least from dumb asses!

EIKO:  
Hai, Kenny-san! And these zombies don't appear to be very intell--

[She screams when a zombie leaps out of a nearby alley and tackles her to the ground.]

KYLE:  
[frantic] Oh, god! Eiko! No!

[Kyle pelts the zombie in the head with the butt of his shotgun, but not before it tears away a large chunk of her shoulder. The zombie gets up to attack Kyle before it's suddenly distracted by Stan, who has it lined up with the barrel of his gun.]

STAN:  
Hey, asshole!

[The zombie snarls and, after a flash and a loud gunshot, falls over with a large gaping hole in its head. Kyle, in a panic, drops his gun, and kneels before Eiko.]

KYLE:  
[crying] Eiko!

[She smiles weakly and caresses his face.]

KYLE:  
[crying] You-- You're gonna be alright! We'll get you to a hospital and--

CARTMAN:  
[sadly] Kyle... She's gonna become a limey zombie, too. This... [breaks into tears] This's what happened to--

KYLE:  
[turns angrily to Cartman, crying] No, she's not!

STAN:  
[low] Kyle...

CARTMAN:  
[sadly] Kyle, we have to kill her.

KYLE:  
[crying] No!

EIKO:  
[weakly] Kyle... You must...sever my head from my body...

KYLE:  
[crying] No... I--

EIKO:  
[weakly, crying] I've dealt with zombies before... It...is the only way...

KYLE:  
[crying] Please...don't make me do this...

EIKO:  
[weakly, crying] You must... If not for you...then for me...

KYLE:  
[crying] I--

[Kyle slowly grips the twin swords lying on the ground beside her. Cut to Stan's face, as he watches on with extreme pity, as if he can relate to the situation.]

EIKO:  
[off screen, weakly, crying] Kairu-kun...

[Cut to Kenny's face as twin trails of tears fall from his eyes.]

KYLE:  
[off screen, crying] Eiko... We were...

[Cut to Clyde, whose face is screwed up with melancholy.]

EIKO:  
[off screen, barely audible] I...lo...

[As Kyle screams in agony, cut to one of the blades pointing straight up into the air. Just when it starts to come down in a deadly arc, cut to Cartman. He looks away in a grimace, just as the sound of tempered steel cutting through soft flesh is head. Lightning flashes and after a moment, thunder answers its call.]

KENNY:  
[downcast] God damn...

CLYDE:  
[low] One by one...

KYLE:  
[crying] These bastards...are going down.

[He rips his hat off and tosses it into the dark, wet street. After untying the pink ribbon from around Eiko's waist, he wraps it around his head, creating a make-shift bandana. He stands and grips the twin swords in his hands.]

STAN:  
Kyle...

KYLE:  
[crying, pissed] Guys... I'm finding the fuck behind this--

[Cut to a close up of Kyle's left hand as his grip tightens on the sword.]

KYLE:  
[voiceover, crying, pissed] --and I'm gonna fuck his shit up!

CARTMAN:  
[riled] Yeah! Let's kick his god damn zombie ass!

[As the others run off, Stan pulls a pink beret his pocket, looks at it for a moment, then tenderly kisses it.]

STAN:  
[softly] Wendy... We're gonna fix this mess. Please... See us through this.

[Before he runs off to join the others, "spirit" Wendy steps out of the shadows beside him and smiles sadly.]

WENDY:  
[softly] Good luck, Stan.

  
[SCENE: Main Street  
Dead Stan and all his zombie minions are gathered in the center square. Dead Stan, held in the air by zombies Wendy and Bebe, gestures excitedly to his followers.]

DEAD STAN:  
Kick ass, dude! The entire town is now ours! [flips off the sky, pissed] In your face, God! Kick me out of Heaven? Ha! Look at what I did!

[He laughs, but is cut short by another voice.]

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] Hey, cock sucker!

[After Dead Stan looks off to the side in shock, cut to the empty opposite side of the square.]

[The camera pans along the empty side of the street until it comes across the five boys standing in a perfect straight line; Stan, wearing Wendy's pink beret and casually brandishing a shotgun in both hands; Kyle, with the pink ribbon wrapped around his head and the twin swords pointing downwards to form a "V"; Cartman, breathing heavily as his disheveled hair dances about in the wind and his blood drips from his damaged knuckles; Kenny, staring angrily ahead and casually holding the chainsaw in one hand; and Clyde, angrily tapping the metal bat into his free hand.]

DEAD STAN:  
[shocked] Dude! What the hell?!

[He makes a gesture with a hand and all the zombies prepare for battle. The boys do the same.]

KYLE:  
[eyes narrowed] Ready, guys?

[Kenny starts the chainsaw up with a quick tug on the pull chord.]

BOYS:  
[in perfect unison] Ready!

STAN:  
All right. [cocks his shotgun with one hand] I've got my boom stick...

[Teenaged Stan, with one hand, points his weapon at the undead crowd, just as child Stan points a decaying finger at the boys.]

STAN/DEAD STAN:  
[shouting] Let's rock!

[Just as the song picks up into a fast paced rock n' roll beat, the two groups rush in for the kill. Kyle, running ahead of the other boys, lets the swords trail behind him, while Kenny, coming out from behind a maniacally grinning Cartman, holds the chainsaw above his head as he runs.]

KENNY:  
[shouting] It's time to play zombie lumberjack!

[Zombie Bebe rushes along with now zombified Tweek, snarling and growling at the boys. Behind them, zombies Craig, Jordan, and the Red Haired Girl screech loudly with excitement as they, too, rush forward.]

KENNY:  
[voiceover, shouting] And I'm the lumberjack!

[Just as the two groups are about to run head long into each other, Cartman leaps into the fray with a wild battle cry. Cut to Kyle as he steps up onto a diving zombie's back, jumps off towards the camera, and after achieving the peak of his jump, brings the swords down in a double cross-slash. The screen splits into four equal triangles and falls apart, revealing a nearby Stan using his shotgun as a staff. As he hits Chef in the face with the barrel, in the background, as Mr. Garrison falls apart into many different pieces, Kyle lands on his feet and bounds into the fray, the swords glinting from the light of a nearby post lamp. Stan twirls the gun around in his hands like a baton and brings the butt down on Chef's head, causing zombie gore to explode in all directions. He cocks his weapon with one hand, catches the butt with his other, aims, and blows a hole in Ms. Crabtree's chest after he pulls the trigger. Through the hole in Ms. Crabtree's chest, Cartman is seen leaping over a diving Randy Marsh. When Ms. Crabtree falls forward, Cartman brings his fist up, and during his fall, punches the nearby Mr. Mackey in the face, causing his head to implode. Cartman lands to the ground on his side, screams in shock, and quickly rolls out of the way when Mr. Slave lands in the spot he had just been laying.]

STAN:  
[voiceover, echoes] Guys? What are we fighting this asshole for?

[Cut to Clyde as he punts zombie Butters in the stomach and then brings the bat around in an upwards golf swing to strike the head of Mayor McDaniels. In slow motion, her head disconnects from her neck with a sickening sound and flies over the crowd.]

[WASHED OUT FLASHBACK]  
[Cut to Stan standing where the boys had started out before the battle.]

STAN:  
[echoes] I'm...fighting for Wendy.

[END FLASHBACK]

[Cut to an aerial view of the battle field as the head slowly peaks in its flight very near the camera. Cartman, straight below, looks up. Just as everything returns to normal speed--]

CARTMAN:  
[from slow mo to normal] Heads up, Jew!

[--cut to a camera following the head's flight with Kyle as its destination. Kyle, performing his attacks like a dance of some kind, spears his own mother in the throat, then abandoning that sword, whips himself around at the last possible second and slices the airborne projectile into two halves with a vertical slash. When he quickly turns back to retrieve his other sword, Kenny makes himself known in the background by laughing maniacally and swinging the running chainsaw in a horizontal circle, causing the upper halves of any nearby zombies to fly into the air.]

KENNY:  
[singing] I'm a lumberjack and it's okay!

[WASHED OUT FLASHBACK]  
[Cut to Kyle, who is standing next to Stan.]

KYLE:  
[echoes] ...for the future with Eiko that was taken from me.

KENNY:  
[voiceover, singing] I sleep all night and I work all day!

[END FLASHBACK]

[When the zombie torsos land to the ground, Kenny brings his weapon down in a vertical strike and, sending zombie gore all over himself and everything else, splits Shelly Marsh in two.]

KENNY:  
[shouting] Tiiiiimmmberrrrr!

[When Shelly's two halves fall to the ground, opposite of each other, Kenny, while laughing maniacally again, runs off screen right and reveals Dead Stan standing with zombie Wendy in a battle free area in the background. He smirks and looks up at Wendy, who only stares blankly ahead.]

DEAD STAN:  
Soon, my little butterfly... Soon...

[Cut to zombie Bebe as she weaves her way through the battle field, seemingly with some dastardly intent on her non-functioning mind. After she passes out of the shot, Clyde is seen in the background having trouble fighting his foes.]

[WASHED OUT FLASHBACK]  
[Cut to Cartman, who is standing beside Kyle.]

CARTMAN:  
[echoes] ...for the one girl who gave me a chance.

CLYDE:  
[voiceover, pissed] Hold still, asshole!

[END FLASHBACK]

[Clyde swings his bat at the torso of the Red Haired Girl and scores a direct hit, causing a large gaping hole in her side to spew forth black innards. Clyde pulls his weapon free with a quick jerk and ends up smashing the face of an assailant that had been sneaking up behind him with his elbow. He quickly turns and with the bat outstretched to strike, cracks the zombie in the side and sends it flying into a nearby crowd that collapses, revealing Stan as he again uses his shotgun as a staff instead of its intended use. He smacks Gerald in the groin with the butt of the gun, flips it over his shoulder, and then slaps the zombie in the face with the barrel, stunning him. After a screech is heard, Stan quickly looks over his shoulder and just as quickly sidesteps to avoid a diving zombie, who misses its target entirely and ends up smashing into Gerald.]

STAN:  
Dude! This is pretty fucked up right here!

[He quickly turns screen left when Kenny is heard cursing up a storm. A zombie screeches in delight and causes Stan to turn to the camera, scream, and then duck to avoid an attack on his face. When he starts beating the camera with the butt of his shotgun, the screen cracks into spiderwebs and then shatters, revealing Kenny as he struggles to get his chainsaw running again.]

KENNY:  
[shouting] Motherfuckingoddamnpieceofshitpaininmyass--

[When several zombies leap on his back and cause him scream out in terror--]

[WASHED OUT FLASHBACK]  
[Cut to Kenny, who is standing right next to Cartman.]

KENNY:  
[echoes] ...for our friends and loved ones.

STAN:  
[off screen, shouting] Kenny!

[END FLASHBACK]

[--he goes down under all the weight and is then hidden from view. Nearby, Stan tries to make his way to Kenny's aid, but is halted by a hissing Principal Victoria. Stan cocks his weapon--]

STAN:  
[pissed, low] Get out of my way.

[--and shoots her point blank in the face, totally wiping that part of her body off the map. When her headless body falls prone to the ground, Stan leans to the left to dodge a flying chainsaw with an arm attached heading his way. He stumbles to the ground when he tries to dodge a zombie leaping at him while being unbalanced.]

STAN:  
[shouting] Oh my god! They killed Kenny!

[When he scrambles to his feet and to safety, cut to Kyle as he chops the arms off of one zombie, thus creating dual blood fountains--]

KYLE:  
[shouting] You bastards!

[--and then turns to his right to decapitate another and send its head spinning into the air with another fountain of rotten blood.]

[WASHED OUT FLASHBACK]  
[Cut to Clyde, who is the last in line.]

CLYDE:  
[echoes] ...for our lives.

KYLE:  
[voiceover, screaming] YOU BASTAAARDS!!!

[END FLASHBACK]

[Cut to Cartman as he grabs Officer Barbrady by the head with one hand and Tweek's mother's head with his other. After they hiss and screech at him, he brings the two together with enough force to make them explode in a bloody and brainy shower on impact. When he turns to fling the gore on his hands in the eyes of a nearby attacking zombie and a figure shrouded in darkness appears behind him, cut to zombie Craig as he dives into Clyde's legs, knocking him off balance and to the ground, whereupon Jordan, Mrs. McCormick, and the City Wok Guy leap in to join the dog pile. When a now hidden Clyde screams in bloody terror, cut back to Cartman as he punches Sharon Marsh in the chest and then follows up with his other fist and breaks her nose.]

STAN/KYLE:  
[off screen, shouting] CLYDE!!!

[The shrouded figure behind Cartman shrieks in delight and strikes him in the back of the head, causing him to fall off screen to the ground. The shroud disappears revealing zombie Bebe as she grins hungrily. Cut to Stan, who has made his way to Wendy and the other Stan Marsh. Wendy, standing obediently by child Stan's side, snarls when she sees teenaged Stan.]

[WASHED OUT FLASHBACK]  
[Cut to a shot of the five boys' backs as they stare down the large zombie crowd. Child Stan, who is still held aloft by Wendy and Bebe, laughs at them.]

CARTMAN:  
[voiceover, shocked] Bebe?!

DEAD STAN:  
[echoes, mockingly] Wow! I'm really touched, you guys! Who needs self-help books on tape when we got you?

[When child Stan makes a gesture with a hand, all the zombies prepare for battle and, at the same time, the boys do the same.]

KYLE:  
[echoes] Ready, guys?

[Cut to a close up of Stan, with an angry grin spread across his face, as he single handedly extends his gun towards the opposition.]

[END FLASHBACK]

DEAD STAN:  
[mockingly grins] Hey, dude. You ready to fight to see which "Stan Marsh" remains in the world?

[Stan angrily stares at his child counterpart for a moment before raising a middle finger.]

STAN:  
Eat me.

DEAD STAN:  
[smirks] Dude! I think that's Wendy's plan. Isn't it, babe?

[After Wendy snarls again and bares her bloody teeth, cut back to Kyle as he spears Chris Stotch in the abdomen with both his swords, lifts him up above his head--]

CARTMAN:  
[voiceover, frightened] Bebe! Eh-it's me, Eric!

[--and tosses him into a nearby crowd, sending them all to the ground in a heap. Bebe's screeching and Cartman's gut wrenching shrieks of terror are heard as voiceovers when the scene cuts back to Stan as he squares off with his zombie child counterpart. Stan grimaces when Cartman's screams come a halt.]

STAN:  
[downcast] Cartman...

[Cut to Kyle as he tearfully tears down Mayor McDaniels' assistants.]

KYLE:  
[screaming] FAT ASS!!!

[Cut back to Stan as he openly and angrily weeps.]

STAN:  
[pissed] You-- You son of a bitch!

DEAD STAN:  
Yeah, dude, you are. If you think about it, you're technically the one who brought this upon everyone.

STAN:  
[pissed] But you're the one pulling the strings!

DEAD STAN:  
I'm you. So, logically, you're the one doing the string pulling around here.

[When Stan brings up his gun and cocks it--]

STAN:  
[pissed] I'm through with your god damn LOGIC!

[--cut back to Kyle who is suddenly overwhelmed by the opposition. When Tweek grabs him from behind and forces him to drop his swords, Kyle cries out in surprise and looks about in a panic.]

STAN:  
[voiceover] I just wanted to see Wendy one last time.

[The remaining zombies swarm up to Kyle like vultures on a starving rabbit and reach through his coat and shirt and into his stomach, causing him to let out a blood curdling scream and thrash about violently. Cut to a close up of zombie Wendy's face as her lips twitch and her eyes look down and screen left.]

DEAD STAN:  
[voiceover] Well, if that's the case, then I guess I'll just have to kill myself.

[Her eyes widen.]

DEAD STAN:  
[voiceover] Wendy, kill him.

[Cut to a wide shot as child Stan points to his teenage counterpart.]

DEAD STAN:  
Kill the imposter Stan.

[Wendy snarls and then grabs the child Stan by his shoulders.]

DEAD STAN:  
[struggling] Dude! What the hell are you doing?! Get him! Not me!

KYLE:  
[off screen, screaming] STAN! PULL THE TRIGGER!!!

ZOMBIE WENDY:  
[guttural] Ssstaannn...

[Spirit Wendy appears next to her zombie counterpart, bows her head, and folds her hands together over her heart.]

WENDY:  
[softly] Stan. Pull the trigger. [looks up quickly] Do it now!

STAN:  
[crying, pissed] I stole your life? Well, by your logic, you stole mine, therefore, meaning that I stole my own life. I have no one to blame...but MYSELF!!!

[Stan's hands and the gun start to shake in anger.]

STAN:  
[crying, pissed] Because I hate myself so much for bringing this upon myself and everyone else, I see only one option.

DEAD STAN:  
[shouting] Dude! Do you think you have the balls to kill yourself?!

STAN:  
[crying, low] Let's find out.

[When Stan closes his eyes, the scene fades to white.]

STAN:  
[voiceover, calmly] Wendy, I resurrected the dead...but it's all right now.

[A violet butterfly suddenly flutters in from screen left. As it flies about, the camera follows it, revealing it to be in a pine tree filled area. As snow flutters from the sky and nestles itself onto the ground, two children, a boy clothed in blue and brown and a girl in purple and yellow, run into the scene throwing snowballs at each other and laughing as they do. Cross-fade to the next scene--]

[SCENE: Main Street  
\--where an older, dark haired man, with his head hung low and shoulders slouched forward, slowly walks down the cracked and abandoned streets of South Park. He looks up when the violet butterfly flutters in front of him and settles itself on his fore arm. It spreads and closes its wings a few times before it flutters off to skies unknown. The middle aged man pulls a blue stocking cap with a red puffball from his coat pocket and slips it on his head with a depressed sigh.]

MAN:  
[sadly] I'm home...

[He stops in the center square and looks upon it, as if remembering something tragic that had happened there. He holds a hand out as if pointing something at another something and then openly cries. He puts his hands in his pockets and continues walking.]

MAN:  
[sadly] Everyone...

[Cut back to the boy and girl as she gets pegged in the head and is sent to the ground.]  
  
MAN:  
[voiceover, sadly] I'm sorry...

[The boy rushes over to the girl to help her up--]

MAN:  
[voiceover, sadly] I'm sorry for taking so long...

[--and then finds himself with a face full of snow. When the girl laughs and pulls the boy down into the snow with her, cross-fade to the South Park Cemetery where the man has stopped at the main gate. He gently pushes on it and cringes when it loudly creaks.]

CARTMAN:  
[voiceover] What took so long, Stan?

[The man closes his eyes, sighs, and then bravely steps inside.]

STAN:  
[voiceover] I had paper monsters to take care of.

[As he walks down the main walkway, the wind picks up and blows the snow around him, almost like a whirlwind.]

STAN:  
[voiceover] But it's all right.

[The whirlwind dies down as quickly as it started up, returning visibility to normal and allowing the familiar names upon the gravestones to be read.]

STAN:  
[voiceover] They've gone away now.

[He turns down an aisle leading to the very back of the graveyard and passes by a gravestone with the crudely engraved epitaph, "May I Rest In Peace." He stops just beyond it for a moment before he continues on his way. After the camera centers on the gravestone for a moment, cut to the man as he slowly weaves his way between the grave markers.]

STAN:  
[voiceover] They've gone away, so now, I can be here with you, my friends--

[He stops at a special section nestled in a far back corner, where a large naked deciduous tree stands guard over six snow covered grave stones.]

STAN:  
[softly, to each gravestone] Kyle, Eiko, Cartman, Bebe, Kenny... and Wendy... I'm finally here. After all these years... I-- I've finally come to see you--

[He wipes the tears from his eyes and sniffles.]

STAN:  
[softly, crying] --and say my final farewell...to you.

KENNY:  
[voiceover] But you just got here.

EIKO:  
[voiceover] Hai. Please stay, Stan-san.

TEENAGED STAN:  
[voiceover] I need to see you, to hold you again. Is what I intend to do the right thing? ...Is it?

STAN:  
[softly, crying] No, dude... There's-- There's someplace I have to be right now...

KYLE:  
[voiceover] You've said that before...and in almost the exact same way.

STAN:  
[softly, crying] I did. Didn't I?

BEBE:  
[voiceover] Stan, please be safe.

[Stan smiles and pulls a hidden object from his coat.]

STAN:  
[crying] I will.

[He turns to the final gravestone in the bunch.]

TEENAGED STAN:  
[voiceover] I just wanted to see Wendy one last time.

[Spirit Wendy appears before the gravestone and smiles happily.]

WENDY:  
Hi, Stan.

STAN:  
[crying] Wendy.

[He lets go of the hidden object when she holds out her hands to accept it. Her pink beret falls into her awaiting hands and also falls to the ground. She puts the "spirit beret" on her head and giggles.]

WENDY:  
Thank you, Stan.

[Stan smiles happily and turns to walk away.]

STAN:  
[crying] Good bye, Wendy.

[When he takes his first step away, she vanishes as if she had never been there.]

STAN:  
[voiceover] The voices I heard in the graveyard that day, were not those of my friends, but of my own imagination designed, by my own mind, to help me with my troubles. Despite that, I still feel empty inside.

[As he slowly makes his way to the front gate, the wind picks up again and snow begins to whirl around, hiding Stan from view.]

STAN:  
[voiceover] But I've made a promise, sworn on her name, that I'd never take my own life again. Wendy... You asked me to let go...and I have...

[As quickly as it started, the wind dies down and the snow dissipates revealing that Stan is nowhere to be found. Cross-fade to Wendy's tattered beret, lying in the snow above her grave, just as the violet butterfly from earlier settles on the pink material. It spreads and folds its wings once and then disappears.]

STAN:  
[voiceover] But I'll share my love again with you, when I'm knockin' on Heaven's door.

[End Wendy, I Resurrected the Dead]


	13. Ironing Board Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Bebe spends an evening with the group, Cartman develops feelings for her. In the meantime, Wendy gives rise to an idea to be a politically correct superhero.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of this chapter originally made a direct reference to the original draft of the previous chapter. Because of the rewrite and the original draft now lost to the ether, the reference no longer matches up one hundred percent.
> 
> Fun fact: The comments made about the ficticious movie were actual comments left on the original draft of the previous chapter.

[SCENE: A Run Down Ghost Town]  
[An older man wearing a red and blue stocking cap walks slowly down the street with his head hung and his shoulders slouched. As he walks down the cracked and buckled street, it dissolves to show him walking through a run down cemetery. On the various stones, we see the names engraved on them. He stops before a special section consisting of only six graves.]

MAN:  
Lyle, Kiyone, Hartman, Karrie, Lenny... Sandy...

[He wipes tears from his eyes.]

MAN:  
Guys, I'm here... It's me, Dan... After all these years, I've come to see you...

[As Dan kneels down before the graves of his friends, the camera pulls back to show more of the area.]

DAN:  
[crying] It's been a long time, hasn't it?

[The camera continues to pull away even farther as Dan smiles tearfully and places an old and tattered pink beret on one of the tombstones. He stands and walks away.]

DAN:  
[voice over] Sandy... You asked me to let go...and I have...

[Finally, the camera pulls back even farther to reveal that the scene is actually a movie being projected on a screen in a theater. The camera turns around and we see that (seated in this order) Stan, Wendy, who is close to crying, Kyle, whose face is screwed up with emotion, Kenny, Bebe, who is crying, and Cartman are watching the movie. Wendy hugs Stan.]

WENDY:  
[hushed] Stan... You have no idea how close I am to crying here...

STAN:  
[puts his arm around her, hushed] It's okay, Wendy. I'm here for you.

CARTMAN:  
[hushed] When're the zombies gonna come and kill this frickin' pussy, already?!

KENNY:  
[hushed] (Shh!)

DAN:  
[voice over] But I'll share my love again with you...when I'm knockin' on Heaven's door.

[Wendy's tears finally break free as she lets out a loud wail. Bebe follows suit and cries into Cartman's shoulder. A look of absolute fright covers his face. There is flash of white and suddenly, two Cartmans, one dressed as the devil and the other dressed as an angel, are sitting in the seats behind him. Cartman's eyes move back and forth as they talk.]

DEVIL CARTMAN:  
[pissed] Who the hell does that bitch think she is?! I'm not some kinda fuckin' pillow to cry on!

ANGEL CARTMAN:  
[rolls eyes] Must you always be like this? The cute girl is distraught. I think I should put my arm around her to comfort her.

DEVIL CARTMAN:  
[pissed, stands on his seat] The hell I will, asshole!

ANGEL CARTMAN:  
Jesus! Mellow out, buddy!

[Angel Cartman pulls a wooden mallet from thin air and whacks Devil Cartman on head with it. A deranged, almost comical, happy look crosses his face as he falls face first off the seat. Angel Cartman leans forward and taps Cartman on the shoulder.]

ANGEL CARTMAN:  
[hushed] Go ahead, dude. And remember! Be polite!

[Cartman smiles, eagerly nods his head, and puts an arm around her. As the house lights come up, Bebe sits up and wipes a few tears from her eyes. She laughs nervously when she notices Cartman staring at her.]

BEBE:  
[nervously] Oh, s-sorry, Cartman. I didn't mean to intrude on your personal space.

[Cartman smiles just as nervously as Bebe.]

CARTMAN:  
[nervously] No, no... 'Sokay... I, uh, I thought about doin' the same thing myself.

[He laughs nervously as Angel Cartman leans in one more time.]

ANGEL CARTMAN:  
[annoyed] Way to impress her, fat ass...

[Stan, Wendy, Kyle, and Kenny are watching the afore mentioned events with some confusion.]

KYLE:  
[low] Uh, did I miss something?

STAN:  
[low] I'm not sure...

KENNY:  
[low] (I'm just gonna pretend that I didn't see anything...)

  
[SCENE: Outside the Theater - Dusk  
The kids exit the theater and gather around near a poster for "Those Who Hunt Elves: The Movie - Elf Hunting Is Back In Season!"]

STAN:  
So... What'd you guys think of "Sandy, I Brought Back the Dead"? Personally, I think that it really wasn't worth all the hype they gave it.

KYLE:  
I thought the whole "other Dan Karsh" thing was kinda cool... It was a nice little call back to the "Poundin' on the Undead's Door" trilogy they released last year.

KENNY:  
(Eh. I've seen better plots in pornos.)

STAN:  
Yeah, that Dan guy was pissing me off.

CARTMAN:  
[mocking] Oh! My god! My dead girlfriend is dead! I think I'll wake the undead so I can see her again!

STAN:  
Dude, what the hell was up with that? If he missed his girl and friends so much, why didn't he take that book and just bring everybody back to life at the end?

BEBE:  
But that would've destroyed the message conveyed at the end.

WENDY/KYLE:  
Yeah!

CARTMAN:  
[rolls eyes] Meh. All I know is that Dan guy-

KENNY:  
(David Ducovney, jack ass.)

CARTMAN:  
[annoyed] -couldn't act his way outta a nutsack.

WENDY:  
How can you guys say that? It was touching! Granted, David Ducovney can't act to save his life, but still!  
CARTMAN:  
Is that the best argument you can come up with? That it was "touching"? Go watch your X-Files DVDs, you David Ducovney lovin' skank!

STAN:  
[pissed] Dude!

KYLE:  
I liked it.

CARTMAN:  
You would like it, Kyle. Your chink-ass girlfriend's been turnin' you into a li'l bitch.

[Kyle opens his mouth, but Bebe beats him to it.]

BEBE:  
You're just jealous that Kyle has a girlfriend and you don't, fat ass!

[As Cartman thinks about what she said, the camera zooms in on one of his eyes. As the camera goes inside of his head, we see four Cartmans, in business suits, sitting at a conference table.]

CARTMAN 1:  
Okay. What the hell's goin' on hyah?

CARTMAN 2:  
Well, I think she just said that I'm jealous that the Jew has a girlfriend.

CARTMAN 3:  
She did, dude.

CARTMAN 4:  
Am I? Is that what it is?

CARTMAN 1:  
Well, I can think of only one way to find out.

CARTMAN 4:  
What's that?

CARTMAN 1:  
Ice cream!

CARTMAN 2/3/4:  
Kick ass!

[Cut back to the street. Cartman smiles and claps his hands together.]

CARTMAN:  
Let's get ice cream, you guys!

WENDY:  
[to Bebe, annoyed] Was he even listening?

BEBE:  
[to Wendy, annoyed] The fat ass? Listen to a girl? Yeah, right.

STAN:  
Hey, that sounds cool.

KYLE:  
I'm game. I'll have to go home and get Eiko, though. She'll...punish me if I went and got ice cream without her.

[Cut to Kyle's room, where he is tied to the bed and wearing nothing but his underwear and socks.]

KYLE:  
Eiko? Eiko, c'mon! Untie me! I said I was sorry!

[The door opens with a creak and Kyle's eyes get wide.]

KYLE:  
[low] Oh, god...

EIKO:  
[off screen] You must be punished, Kairu-kun.

[Suddenly, a bucket of water hits Kyle. He writhes about on the bed as he screams.]

KYLE:  
[screaming] Oh, god! It's cold! It's fucking cold!

  
[SCENE: Ice Cream Shop  
All seven kids are sitting around a table. Stan and Wendy share a milkshake, Kyle and Eiko appear to be sharing a double dip on a waffle cone, Kenny has a glass of water, and Bebe and Cartman both have the same kind of ice cream.]

WENDY:  
You sure you don't want anything, Kenny? My treat!

KENNY:  
[nurses his water] (Nah, I'm cool.)

WENDY:  
[shrugs] Okay. Your loss, buddy.

STAN:  
Hey, Eiko. So, tell us why you didn't want to see the movie.

EIKO:  
[nervous] Oh, uh...

KYLE:  
Hey, yeah. You never did give me a reason.

EIKO:  
[nervous] Well, I don't like zombies...

[Everyone looks at Cartman for some kind of smart-ass comment. He, however, is preoccupied with his own thoughts.]

KYLE:  
[slowly] Cartman, you fat ass... Uh... Don't belittle my...girlfriend...? Cartman?

[Cut to the four Cartmans at the conference table with a projector placed in the middle. Cartman 1 is standing near a screen with a picture of Bebe projected on it. He points to Bebe with a gloved hand that has an extra long index finger to act as a pointer.]

CARTMAN 1:  
Gentlemen, here's the scenario. After I went and offered to buy Bebe her ice cream, [slaps the screen with the funky pointer] she asked for whatever I was having. Okay. Now, I'm friggin' clueless as to what's goin' on hyah! What're your thoughts?  
CARTMAN 3:  
[raises a hand] Maybe she likes double fudge nut swirl?

CARTMAN 2:  
[excited] I know, you guys! She thinks I'm cool! I mean, she did play "Lambs" with me that one time!

CARTMAN 4:  
Wait a minute... Think, you guys! The movie theater, her jealousy comment, and now the ice cream! What if...she likes likes me?

[The four Cartmans gasp in unison.]

CARTMAN 1:  
God dammit, asshole! It's too early to make those kinda assumptions!

[Suddenly, the door opens and a fifth Cartman, dressed like a female secretary, pokes his head into the room.]

CARTMAN 5:  
[timidly] Uh, sir... The workers in the subconscious department've just reported that I missed a chance to rip that Jap-girl a new asshole.

CARTMAN 1:  
[shakes his fists] God dammit!

[Cut back to reality. The other kids are looking at Cartman, a little concerned.]

KYLE:  
Cartman?

STAN:  
Wow. I haven't seen him like this since we tricked him into eating all my mom's Vikading pills.

KENNY:  
(Hey, somebody poke him.)

[Bebe leans over and slugs Cartman in the face, causing him to fall off his chair. A moment passes and Cartman doesn't get up. The kids all shrug and go back to their conversation.]

BEBE:  
So, what do you have against zombies, Eiko?

[After the camera focuses on Eiko's frowning face for a moment, flashback to the three year-old girl, with twin daggers drawn, fighting multiple zombies.]

EIKO:  
[crying] Mommy! Otousan!

[A zombie dives at her legs and pins her to the ground.]

EIKO:  
[crying] Hiretsukan!

[The zombie screeches with delight as it stares her in the eyes.]

EIKO:  
[crying, gasps] Father! Otousan! No! Please!

[Just as he brings his head down to feast and Eiko screams, cut back to the present.]

EIKO:  
[cutely] Nothing.

  
[SCENE: Cartman's House - Night  
As the camera focuses on the house, we hear Cartman moaning in his sleep.]

CARTMAN:  
[voice over, mumbles] Yes! Oh, god, Bebe... Yeah, smash framble bunjov...

[Cut to Cartman's room, where he is on his bed, sleep talking.]

CARTMAN:  
[mumbles] Do that thing I love so much...

[As he tosses and turns in his sleep, cut to his dream. Cartman is sitting at a large banquet table, wearing a bib that says "Kiss Me! I'm the Taste Tester!" Bebe walks on scene in a black two piece bikini and sets a cheesecake topped with strawberries in front of him.]

CARTMAN:  
[drooling] Oh god...

[Bebe grins suggestively and pulls a knife from underneath her top. She dances seductively behind him, waving the knife about the entire time. When she reaches the other side of the table, she cuts a triangular piece from the cheesecake and puts it on an empty plate. She, then, sits on his lap facing him and wraps her arms around him.]

BEBE:  
[seductively] Would you like to try some of MY cheesecake, big boy?

[Return to reality as Cartman quickly sits up in his bed and wipes his brow.]

CARTMAN:  
[determined] I'm not falling for Bebe... [quicker] I'm not falling for Bebe! Not with her... [dreamy] ...beautiful curly blonde hair...and her big jasmine shaded eyes...and let's not forget...her wonderful "come squeeze me" sweater cows...

[He falls back to his bed as he groans loudly.]

CARTMAN:  
[low] God dammit! [pause] I almost had that cheesecake, too...

  
[SCENE: Main Street, Morning  
The sun is shining as the various townspeople go merrily about their business. In contrast to that, Cartman, with his backpack slung over one shoulder, slowly walks down the street, his head low and shoulders forward. As he passes by Tom's Rinoplasty, Tom steps out, breathes deep and shouts to the sky.]

TOM:  
[shouting] Goooood morrrrrrning, South Park, Colorado!

[Cartman, oblivious to the event, keeps on walking. As he approaches the toy store, the CLERK: steps out holding a large box labeled "Okama Gamesphere".]

CLERK:  
Hey, kid! We're giving away free Okama Gamespheres with free copies of "Generic 8-bit Adventure – Boating on the Ocean Edition" and "Final Fantasy 9000 – It Just Never Ends!"

[Again, Cartman is oblivious to what is around him and just keeps on walking.]

CLERK:  
Hey, kid? C'mon! It's all free! This is a once in a lifetime offer! [frantic] My boss'll kill me if I don't get rid of this stuff!

[The downcast boy walks off screen.]

CLERK:  
[frantic] I'll even throw in a copy of "Tales of Nymphomania!" C'mon! Everyone likes RPGs with big breasted pre-teen chicks, right?

  
[SCENE: South Park Elementary - Hallway  
As Cartman walks somberly down the hallway, Craig runs up to him.]

CRAIG:  
Hey, fat ass!

[Cartman stops walking and looks blankly at Craig, but doesn't give a response.]

CRAIG:  
We're gonna give Pip and Butters swirlies before class. You in?

[Cartman blinks a few times before he shakes his head.]

CARTMAN:  
[downcast] Nah. I... I don't feel up to it today.

[He walks off, leaving Craig looking confused.]

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] Give 'em a good one for me, 'kay?

CRAIG:  
[shakes his head] Wow. What's up with that guy?

[Cut to elsewhere and sometime later in the halls as Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are walking towards class.]

STAN:  
Dude, I wonder why Cartman wasn't at the bus stop?

KYLE:  
I dunno. Maybe it has something to do with his odd behavior over the past few days.

KENNY:  
(Or maybe his ass got so big, it collapsed upon itself!)

[The three laugh.]

KYLE:  
Good one, Kenny!

[As they walk past the restrooms, Pip and Butters can be heard talking with Craig and Terrence.]

PIP:  
[off screen] But, gentlemen, I fail to see why you wished to speak with us in here.

CRAIG:  
[off screen] Take a good look in that stall and you'll understand. [snickers]

BUTTERS: [off screen] G-gee whiz, f-fellahs. I don't see anything except f-for some poo that didn't get flushed.

TERRENCE:  
[off screen, slyly] Well, we'd better do something about that, shouldn't we?

PIP:  
[off screen, frightened] Now, gentlemen, please, I urge you to reconsider this...

[Sounds of a struggle ensue until the sounds of multiple toilets flushing can be heard. Pip and Butters both scream as Wendy and the other girls walk on screen.]

BEBE:  
Oh my god! What was that?

[The two boys scream again as toilets are flushed. Wendy pulls her metal bat out of her backpack.]

WENDY:  
[dramatically] It looks like the bitch has to save the day again!

[She runs into the boys restroom, leaving Red and Eiko to exchange looks.]

CRAIG:  
[off screen] Shit! It's Wendy!

PIP:  
[off screen, relieved] Wendy?! Oh, God bless you!

WENDY:  
[off screen, dramatically] Unhand those melvins, assholes!

TERRENCE:  
[off screen] You'll have to kill us first, bitch!

WENDY:  
[off screen] Okay, then!

[The girls cringe as sounds of metal hitting metal, metal hitting something soft, and Terrence and Craig's screams fill the hallway. Cut to the classroom, where the three boys enter, talking amongst themselves. They stop and do a double take.]

STAN:  
Cartman?!

[Cartman, seated at his desk with his head resting on a hand, is the only one in the classroom. He blinks in surprise and shakes his head. Cut back to the girls outside the restrooms. Craig is now the only one screaming as the sounds of fighting still come from within. The beaten boy flies into the hallway and lands on his face.]

WENDY:  
[off screen] Get back here, asshole!

[Wendy comes out a moment later, with the bat resting on her shoulder. She grabs one of his legs and pulls him back into the lavatory.]

CRAIG:  
[pleading] Help me...

[The girls merely look upon the scene, aghast. Cut back to the classroom.]

CARTMAN:  
Oh, hey, guys.

KYLE:  
Dude, how the hell did you get here before us?

CARTMAN:  
I decided to walk today.

STAN/KYLE/KENNY:  
What?!

KYLE:  
You not only show up to school early, but you WALKED?

STAN:  
Dude, you okay?

CARTMAN:  
[nervously] Y-yeah. Just peachy...

[Cut back to the restrooms. All is silent as Wendy strolls triumphantly out into the hallway, followed closely by Pip and Butters, who both have wet heads and shoulders.]

PIP:  
[excited] By god! That was a smashing good performance, Miss Wendy!

WENDY:  
[blushing] Oh, it was nothing...

PIP:  
But did you really have go to such extreme measures?

[Cut to the inside of the stall, where Craig and Terrence both have their heads shoved into the same toilet.]

TERRENCE:  
[muffled] I blame you for this, plebeian.

[Cut back to the others as Wendy merely shrugs.]

WENDY:  
You call that extreme?

BUTTERS:  
B-boy! You c-could b-be a superhero and s-save k-kids in trouble!

WENDY:  
Really?

[A deranged look crosses Wendy's eyes.]

WENDY:  
I could be...Bat Girl!

BEBE:  
Uh, Wendy, that name was already taken.

WENDY:  
Oh... Okay. How about Wonder Girl?

EIKO:  
[bows] Please, Wendy, don't think ill of me for this, but you don't exactly have [cups imaginary boobs] the right physique for such a title.

WENDY:  
[exasperated] Am I really that flat?!

[She pulls out her jacket and looks down through the neck hole.]

WENDY:  
[dejectedly] Oh, god! You might as well call me "Ironing Board Girl"! No, wait... [thoughtfully] Most super heroines have huge knockers, but I don't! [eyes wide] I'll be the world's first real life politically correct super heroine! [ecstatic] It's perfect!

BUTTERS:  
"Ironing B-board Girl?"

WENDY:  
Yes! Pip! Butters! Being since you guys gave me the idea, I'll give you the honor of helping me!

PIP:  
Really, Miss Wendy? You're not going to spit on us or call us bad names?

BUTTERS:  
Or g-give us swirlies?

WENDY:  
[excited] No! It's all legitimate! I swear!

[She grabs the two by the arms and pulls them off screen.]

WENDY:  
[off screen] C'mon! We have planning to do and enemies to foil!

PIP:  
[off screen, uncertainly] Um, right-o...

[Bebe rolls her eyes and sighs.]

BEBE:  
I swear... That girl is losing her mind.

  
[SCENE: Playground  
The four boys are hanging out near the slide. Cartman, however, has a faraway look in his eyes.]

STAN:  
Dude, where the hell is Wendy? We were gonna spend recess together.

KYLE:  
What? As opposed to spending recess with us?

STAN:  
Well, I don't have the luck of living with my girlfriend and seeing her all the time like someone else does... [quickly raises a fist] Points go to me on that one.

KYLE:  
Okay, okay. Rub it in, dude.

KENNY:  
(You know, I haven't seen Pip or Butters at all today.)

STAN:  
So?

KENNY:  
(Well, yours truly heard a few of the girls talking about Wendy leaving school WITH Pip AND Butters.)

KYLE:  
[eyes wide] Dude!

STAN:  
So?

KENNY:  
(Whattya mean "so?" Isn't it obvious?!)

STAN:  
No.

KENNY:  
(Dude! I smell the flames of a double cross.)

STAN:  
No way. There's no way that's gonna happen.

KYLE:  
Sure, dude. You say that now, but don't forget what happened the last time she cheated on you.

[Flashback to the overpass above Stark's Pond, where a crying Stan is standing on the railing.]

STAN:  
[crying] She d-dumped me...for Token... [looks to the sky] I...I can't live without her... God, please... Guide my fall!

[With a cry, he leaps off the overpass and falls off screen. After a moment, we hear his body hit a hard surface.]

STAN:  
[off screen, pained, sarcastically] Thank you, God...for making me miss the pond... [coughs] Oh, shit...

[Return to the present.]

STAN:  
Well, dude. There's only one way to find out what's going on.

KYLE:  
What's that?

STAN:  
I ask Bebe.

[Cartman suddenly stirs to life.]

CARTMAN:  
[dazed] What's this about Bebe?

[The other three boys share a look.]

STAN:  
Cartman, are you sure you're okay?

CARTMAN:  
[nervous] I said I'm fine! God dammit! What is this, the friggin' Spanish Inquisition?!

KYLE:  
Well, dude, it's just that the past couple of days you've been a complete vegetable, only coming out of your "shell" when someone mentions Bebe.

CARTMAN:  
[nervously] Wh-what are you tryin' to say, Jew-face?

KENNY:  
(Jew-face? You're really reaching right now, Cartman...)

CARTMAN:  
[nervously] Sh-shut up, Kenny!

KYLE:  
What're you hiding, Cartman?

CARTMAN:  
Nothing!

STAN:  
We're not stupid, Cartman. A pre-schooler could see that you're hiding something.

KENNY:  
(Just tell us. ...Although, I think I have an idea...)

CARTMAN:  
[sighs] All right... You win... [pause] Guys...

[They all lean in closer to Cartman-]

CARTMAN:  
[bashfully] ...I...have a crush on Bebe...

[-and fall over with a comical percussion beat upon hearing the news.]

STAN:  
[on the ground] Is that what's been going on?

KYLE:  
[standing up] Wow. I never would've thought that you would ever like a girl. And hear it straight from your mouth!

CARTMAN:  
[annoyed] What?

KYLE:  
Well, to be honest...I always thought that you were...well, gay...

[Cartman, with a blood vessel popping out of his forehead, struggles to remain calm. Cut to the four shocked Cartmans inside his head.]

CARTMAN 1:  
[pissed] They thought I was a friggin' queer-bag?! That's it! Now I'm all pissed off!

CARTMAN 3:  
[shocked] Wait! I'm not gay?! [pissed] God dammit!

  
[SCENE: Wendy's Attic  
Light filters in from a nearby window, illuminating the various dust particles in the air and a bat that screeches and flies off screen. Three lines of light suddenly appear on the floor. Those lines expand, creating a box, as the door to the attic is pulled open.]

PIP:  
[off screen] Are you sure you can find a smashing outfit 'ere, Miss Wendy?

[Wendy pokes her head up into the scene, and promptly coughs from the dusty atmosphere.]

WENDY:  
God! It sure is dusty up here! [to Pip] I dunno. It wouldn't hurt to look.

[She looks around the room and then squeals.]

WENDY:  
[excited] Oh, my god! I don't believe it! I thought my parents got rid of this thing a long time ago!

PIP:  
[off screen] What thing?

[Flashback to a close up of four year-old Wendy, who is wearing a Sailor Moon T-shirt and sitting at the dinner table eating pizza.]

MRS. TESTABURGER:  
[off screen] So, Wendy, what did you do at school today?

WENDY:  
[off screen, excited] I swinged on the swings wif my new fwiend Stan, Mommy!

[At this point, the camera has zoomed out to reveal the real Wendy, wearing an identical Sailor Moon T-shirt and sitting next to the Wendy previously established. The Wendy twin narrows her eyes in annoyance.]

WENDY:  
[excited] And we builded stuff wif wegos and we dwawed pic-tures of wainbows-

WENDY TWIN:  
[pissed] Stan's my fwiend, Wendy! He wikes me bestest!

WENDY:  
[crying] Nah-unh, Mandy! He's my fwiend!

MRS. TESTABURGER:  
Girls!

WENDY TWIN:  
[pissed] You better stay away fwom my man, bitch!

MR. TESTABURGER:  
[sternly] Girls!

WENDY: [crying] You jus' wanna be his fwiend 'cause he wikes me!

WENDY TWIN:  
Don' fuck wif Mandy Tes'aburger, slut!

MR. TESTABURGER:  
[sternly] Girls, if you don't stop this, one of you is going to be spending time in the attic!

[A teary eyed Wendy screams with rage and leaps at her identical twin sister. As the two fall to the floor, throwing punches and screaming obscenities, their parents rush up and separate the two. Both girls look apologetic and rub tears from their eyes.]

MR. TESTABURGER:  
Alright, Mandy, being since you were the instigator you're going on a trip to the attic. [confused] Now, which one of you is Mandy?

[Both girls point to each other.]

BOTH:  
She is! No, you are! You are!

[The girl near Mrs. Testaburger suddenly bursts into tears.]

WENDY 1:  
[crying] Why's my sis so mean to me?!

[She hugs her mother's leg and cries into her dress. Both parents look angrily at the other girl, who simply looks at her sister in shock.]

MR. TESTABURGER:  
[sternly] Come on, Mandy. Time for you to start your punishment.

[As he drags the girl away, she bursts into tears.]

WENDY 2:  
[crying] But I'm Wendy!

MR. TESTABURGER:  
That trick won't work on me again! Not after last time!

[Mrs. Testaburger crouches down and hugs her crying daughter.]

MRS. TESTABURGER:  
Don't worry, Wendy. Your meanie sister won't bother you ever again.

[Wendy stops crying long enough to allow an evil smile to form on her face.]

WENDY:  
[hushed, slyly] Yes, that's right... I'm "Wendy"...

[Cut back to the present day attic, where Wendy has rushed over to a large chest. Pip pops his head into the scene.]

BUTTERS:  
[off screen] Wh-what's goin' on up th-there?

WENDY:  
[awed] Wow...

[Pip walks up behind her.]

PIP:  
What's in the chest, Miss Wendy?

WENDY:  
[slyly] Something that could blow your mind...

She slowly opens the chest with a look of amazement. Bright green light begins to filter out from underneath the lid. She suddenly whips out the item, which turns out to be a snow white leotard, holds it triumphantly above her head, and then freezes.

CAPTION:  
You found the "Whitey Tighties"! When you wear this pretty leotard, you feel like dancing up a storm...but what's with the boys staring at your butt and drooling?

[Wendy hugs the article of clothing.]

WENDY:  
Wow! I can't believe they didn't throw this out! I used to have so much fun playing with this!

[Cut to four year-old Wendy wearing the oversized leotard with what appear to be pillows stuffed inside to make it fit. She poses in front of the mirror.]

WENDY:  
[excited] Wook at me! I'm a pwetty and skinny Wosie O'Donnel!

[Return to the attic, where Butters has finally made his way up the ladder.]

WENDY:  
Since I found this, I can use it as part of my costume!

PIP:  
Oh, I know! Since you chose a rather eccentric name, we can find a patch and sew it on to the chest!

[Butters wanders over to a cardboard box and picks up a photo album lying on top. He sits down and begins to leaf through it.]

WENDY:  
[off screen] Good idea! I think I saw one down at the dollar store!

PIP:  
[off screen] And just my personal opinion, but I think we should dye the leotard black.

[Butters' face suddenly turns to one of confusion.]

WENDY:  
[off screen] Why? So I can blend in with the night?

PIP:  
[off screen] No. You want to look your best, right? Black will enhance your figure!

WENDY:  
[off screen, irked] What? Are you saying I don't have an attractive body...?

PIP:  
[off screen] N-no! Not a-at a-all!

BUTTERS:  
H-hey, Wendy? Who's this o-other girl that looks like you in this p-picture?

[Wendy, with a huge smile on her face, walks up to Butters and snatches the photo album out of his hands.]

WENDY:  
[cheerfully] Oh, Butters! You say the darnedest things!

  
[SCENE: Playground  
Stan walks up to Bebe, Eiko, and the other girls. Eiko is the first to see him and waves energetically.]

EIKO:  
Konnichiha, Sutanrii-kun!

STAN:  
What did you just call me?

EIKO:  
Oh. I said, "Hi, Stan"!

BEBE:  
Hey, Stan.

RED:  
Insert generic background character greeting here, Stan!

STAN:  
Right... Look, Wendy's not here, and I've been hearing rumors that she might be cheating on me...again. I need some answers here.

BEBE:  
What do you want to know?

STAN:  
Well, for starters, did she really leave school with Pip and Butters?

EIKO:  
Stan-kun, it was more like she dragged them out against their will...

STAN:  
[panicking] Oh, god... I turned her into a whore didn't I...? Dammit! I always had nightmares, but I never thought it would ha-happen!

BEBE:  
[annoyed] Stan, she's playing "super hero" with them...

STAN:  
Oh. Really? [blinks] By the way, since I'm asking questions... Does Wendy really suck her thumb and make chipmunk sounds when she watches a Russell Crowe movie?

[Meanwhile, on the other side of the playground, Kyle and Kenny are still by the slide, while a troubled Cartman listens to them talk.]

KYLE:  
-and that's why I highly doubt Bebe will go for a guy like you.

KENNY:  
(Yeah. You're fat, racist-)

CARTMAN:  
[irked] Okay.

KYLE:  
-stupid, irresponsible-

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] Okay, guys.

KENNY: (-foul mouthed, and you lack proper personal hygiene.)

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] Listen, assholes. Do you think I want these feelings for a girl?

KYLE:  
Oh, so you are gay?

CARTMAN:  
[shouting] God dammit, Kyle! Shut the hell up! [pissed] No, I'm not gay! And no, I don't want these pussy feelings!

[Cartman sits down on the ground and starts crying. Kyle looks at Kenny, who shrugs.]

CARTMAN:  
[crying] I've been so confused outta my mind, I, I don't know what to do! Part of me wants to find Bebe and rip 'er god damn head off! ...But another part of me wants to...take her in my arms...and whisper touchy-feely crap in her ear...

KENNY:  
(My god... I never thought I'd live to see this day...)

KYLE:  
[pissed] Dude!

KENNY:  
(What?)

[Kyle sits down next to the troubled boy and puts a hand on his shoulder.]

KYLE:  
Alright, dude. Here's the deal. I dated Bebe briefly, so I can safely say that your chances with her are slim.

CARTMAN:  
[wiping tears from his eyes] Way to make me feel better, Jew.

KYLE:  
Dude, I said "slim" not "none"! Jesus Christ! You're making me feel like I'm giving advice to a brick wall!

KENNY:  
(Cartman, just ask her out. If she says no, alright then. Find the nearest something and beat the shit outta it with a tire iron.)

CARTMAN:  
And if she says yes...?

KYLE:  
Dude, do you even have to ask?

KENNY:  
(I'll tell you what happens; sweet sweet kisses and blow jobs!)

[Cartman stands triumphantly.]

CARTMAN:  
[ecstatic] Yeah! I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna ask that slut to go out with me and give me all the sweet sweet kisses and blow jobs I deserve!

KYLE:  
Good for you, fat ass. If you getting a girlfriend means a kinder and gentler Eric Cartman, then I'm all about it.

CARTMAN: Thanks, you guys! But, uh, what the hell is a blow job?

STAN:  
[off screen] Dude, I just found out what the hell is going on!

KENNY:  
(What? Is she getting it on in a steamy three-way?)

[Stan walks on screen and stops in front of Kenny.]

STAN:  
Dude, I should kick your ass for getting me all worked up over nothing!

KENNY:  
[taking a step back] (Wh-what?)

STAN:  
But I'm not, only because you're my friend.

KENNY:  
[wipes brow] (That's a relief...)

KYLE:  
So, what's the deal?

STAN:  
The girls sa-

CARTMAN:  
[excited] Did Bebe ask about me?

STAN:  
Sorry, Cartman. Anyway, the girls told me-

CARTMAN:  
She didn't say anythin' about me at all?

STAN:  
[irked] Jesus tap dancing Christ, fat ass! Wait about five seconds! I'm trying to talk here!

CARTMAN:  
So, I take that to mean that she didn't?

[Stan brings a hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose.]

KYLE:  
[rolls his eyes] Just when I was starting to think higher of you, Cartman...

  
[SCENE: Main Street  
The various people of South Park are going about their business, as usual.]

ANNOUNCER:  
Just like any other small town, the people of South Park think they're safe at all times of the day.

[A loud siren from the bank sends everyone running about in a panic. Butters, in his Professor Chaos costume and holding several bags of money, steps out into the chaos.]

ANNOUNCER:  
That is until the super villain decides to rob the bank...

BUTTERS:  
Ahhhhh! I love the smell of chaos in the morning! [laughs hysterically]

WENDY:  
[off screen, dramatically] Professor Chaos!

[Butters looks up to at the top of the nearest building.]

ANNOUNCER:  
Look out, super villains! A new super hero has her sights on your lawbreaking asses!

BUTTERS:  
[shocked] Ironing Board Girl!

[Cut to Wendy striking a heroic pose on top of the Post Office. She is now wearing a tight all black leotard, with a picture of an ironing board sewn to her chest, white gloves, black and white leather boots, and a black beret. To top off the ensemble, she has her trusty metal baseball bat strapped to her back.]

ANNOUNCER:  
She's not just a super heroine, she's a politically correct super heroine! And can she kick some serious booty!

WENDY:  
[to the camera] I represent the powerful, yet oppressed, small breasted female community! [to Butters, dramatically] Your days of robbing banks and creating chaos are over!

BUTTERS:  
[smiles evilly] I think not... Go forth, my minions!

[Two very large and very humanoid hamsters clad in very heavy metal armor and brandishing very large war hammers bust out of the bank.]

BUTTERS:  
[shouting] Destroy the girl! And wreak...chaos!

[Cut to Wendy, now on the ground, as she dodges a blow to the head from one hamster and punts the other in the balls with her bat. The word "CRUNCH!" appears on screen along with a disjarring brass chord ala the original Batman show. Wendy leaps on to the back of the hunched over hamster she just neutered.]

WENDY:  
Come and get me, you bastard hamster!

[The other hamster rushes in for the kill, but at the last minute, Wendy jumps out of the way, and the two humanoids crash into each other. Cut to Wendy, breathing heavily as she watches Butters run off.]

BUTTERS:  
[faintly] You haven't seen the last of me! I'll get my chaotic revenge, you Ironing Board Bitch! Just you wait and see!

[Cut to Wendy's determined face. She brings a walkie-talkie to her mouth.]

WENDY:  
Sir Charles, this is Ironing Board Girl. Over.

PIP:  
[walkie-talkie] Oh! This is Sir Charles. Reading you loud and clear, miss!

WENDY:  
Pip, I'm positioned in front of the school. How much longer until the final bell rings?

PIP:  
I estimate in about ten seconds.

WENDY:  
Roger. Agent Margarine? Do you read me? [pause] Agent Margarine, do you read me? [pause] Butters!

BUTTERS:  
[walkie-talkie] O-oh! I- I copy, Wendy!

WENDY:  
Are you in position with the camera, Butters?

BUTTERS:  
Y-yes, ma'am!

WENDY:  
Remember, Butters! When I start kickin' ass, make sure to get a lot of pictures for my scrap book!

[When a loud echoing bell chime fills the air, the camera zooms out to reveal Wendy in a shoddier version of the costume she was wearing in the previous scene. The leotard has been poorly dyed, her shoes are plain looking, her gloves are big, bulky, yellow working gloves, and her beret is still pink. A photo of an ironing board has been safety pinned to her chest. She smirks as she places the walkie-talkie in her backpack and pulls out her baseball bat.]

WENDY:  
You bullies better hope that I don't see you picking on the less fortunate! Hee! [low] Ironing Board Girl is ready for business!

[As she runs off into the trees bordering the school, cut to the four main boys exiting the building.]

STAN:  
Okay, so here's the plan for this evening. I'm gonna find Wendy and maybe talk some sense into her, Kyle-

[Kyle stands at attention.]

STAN:  
-you take Eiko out on another date.

KYLE:  
We'll go to Chili’s, order that deep fried onion thing, wait ten minutes, and then send it back claiming that it was too soggy to eat, just to piss off the kitchen!

STAN:  
Kenny-

[Kenny nods his head.]

STAN:  
-you head down to the arcade and attempt to pick up any chicks that happen to walk in there.

KENNY:  
(Gamer chicks are my favorite!)

STAN: Cartman...

[Cartman looks up.]

STAN:  
-you gain some freakin' courage and ask Bebe out so we don't have to put up with you moping about for the rest of our lives.

CARTMAN:  
[sarcastically] I just love it when you play the part of the bad ass leader, Stan...

[Cut to the four Cartmans in business suits as Cartman 1 prods the projected Bebe in the lower regions with his pointer-glove. He stops his antics when Cartman 3 speaks.]

CARTMAN 3:  
You know, I really do love it when Stan gets all high and mighty. Some times... I like to close my eyes and pretend he's playing bad ass leader with me... [dreamily] Oh, yeah...

[Cartman 1, now looking pissed off, throws a book at Cartman 3 and hits him in the head.]

CARTMAN 3:  
[rubbing his head] Ow! God dammit!

CARTMAN 1:  
Shut the hell up, fag! This isn't network TV, so nobody cares about your queer ass fantasies!

[Cut back to the front of the school as Craig, Terrence, Bill, and Fossey approach Red, Bebe, Eiko, and Jordan.]

TERRENCE:  
[slyly] Hello, girls.

RED:  
[sarcastically] Hi, boys!

CRAIG:  
Where's Wendy? [flips them off]

BEBE:  
Why the hell do you care?

TERRENCE:  
Let's just say we need to put that bitch in her place.

BILL:  
Yeah, Wendy's a bitch. [chuckles]

FOSSEY:  
Yeah. Stupid gay bitch. [chuckles]

RED:  
If anyone's gay around here, it's you!

[And in a classic anime moment, Eiko pulls down on one of her bottom eye lids and sticks out her tongue.]

EIKO:  
Kusotare!

BEBE:  
Yeah! You tell 'em, girl!

[The boys look at each other, unsure of what they just witnessed.]

CRAIG:  
Did she just...?

TERRENCE:  
I think so.

CRAIG:  
[shouting] Let's get them!

BOYS:  
Yeah!

[The boys lunge at the girls. Cut to a few minutes later, where the girls, scratch-less, are now bound together and gagged. The boys look like they got into a bar fight, yet still somehow managed to win.]

TERRENCE:  
Damn. You plebeians sure are tough for girls...

BEBE:  
[pissed] Mmph!

CRAIG:  
[flips them off] Now, where's Wendy? We need to pay her back for earlier.

BEBE:  
[pissed] Mmmph!

CRAIG:  
What?

[Wendy, with a deranged look on her face, slowly sneaks up behind Craig with her bat poised for a strike.]

BEBE:  
[pissed] Mmph!

CRAIG:  
[removing Bebe's gag] What did you say?!

BEBE:  
I said she's right behind you, asshole!

[Just as Craig's expression drops, Wendy brings her bat down on his head with a resounding thud. Craig smiles happily and falls limply to the ground.]

CRAIG:  
[mumbles] Ping...

TERRENCE:  
[dramatically] You!

WENDY:  
[winks and blows a kiss] Hi, boys!

BEBE:  
[overjoyed] Wendy!

EIKO/RED/JORDAN:  
[overjoyed] Mmmph!

WENDY:  
[dramatically] I'm not this Wendy you speak of. I am...Ironing Board Girl!

BILL:  
Wendy's scary!

FOSSEY:  
Yeah, she could kick our asses! [chuckles]

BILL:  
Let's get outta here!

FOSSEY:  
'Cause we're pussies!

[The two run off.]

BILL:  
[off screen] Stupid gay pussies! [chuckles]

WENDY:  
Looks like it's just you and me, butt pirate.

TERRENCE:  
Hmm... Good hired help is so hard to find these days... Very well. If we must fight, then so be it.

[As the two square off, the wind picks up and whips Wendy's hair behind her.]

TERRENCE:  
You know, that outfit makes you look ravishing.

WENDY:  
[blushes] Really? Terrence, you sure know how to satiate my appetite for compliments... [pissed] Now watch as I quench my thirst for human blood by breaking your fucking skull in!

[The girls cheer, or at least the best they can. Just as the two are about to lunge at each other, Stan and the other boys walk on screen.]

KYLE:  
What the hell?

KENNY:  
(Hey, I didn't know the girls were fans of bondage.)

STAN:  
Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.

WENDY:  
[turns to look at the boys] Stan?

[Terrence sees his opportunity, grabs Wendy by the abdomen, and covers her mouth with a hand.]

WENDY:  
Mmph!

STAN/BEBE:  
Wendy!

EIKO/RED/JORDAN:  
Mmph!

TERRENCE:  
[sneers] Heh. Now, I've got you!

[The four boys share an annoyed look, nod simultaneously, and then take a step forward. Terrence, panicking, takes a step back and forces Wendy to do the same.]

TERRENCE:  
[panicking] Stay back! Or I'll... [breaks a branch off of a nearby conveniently placed tree and points it at Wendy] I'll poke her with this stick!

[Wendy looks at Terrence in fear and loses her bat as she tries to struggle loose.]

KYLE:  
[nudges Stan, low] Dude, he's got a stick!

STAN:  
[calmly] Unhand my girlfriend, Terrence.

CARTMAN:  
You'd better do it, dude. He's crazy.

TERRENCE:  
[backing away] No! She-she kicked my ass this morning! And I need to get my revenge!

[With each step Terrence takes backwards, Stan takes a step forward.]

STAN:  
[pissed] Un-hand my girl-friend, Terr-ence.

TERRENCE:  
[fearfully] N-not until I get my revenge on her!

CARTMAN  
[sing-songly] This's your last chaaance!

BEBE:  
Kick his ass, Stan!

[Stan grins in an uncharacteristically evil manner.]

STAN:  
[gruffly] Hi, my name's Stan! I enjoy listening to good music, holding hands with my girlfriend, and [shouting] kicking your ass!

[Terrence, forgetting about Wendy and the stick, turns and hightails it off screen with a high pitched scream. Stan, growling with rage, gives chase.]

STAN:  
[off screen, shouting] Get back here, asshole!

KYLE:  
[shouting] We warned you, asshole!

[Cartman laughs as he walks into the background where the bound and gagged girls are located. In the foreground, Kyle kneels down next to Wendy, who had fallen to a sitting position on the ground. Kenny, not paying attention to them, watches the events in the background.]

KYLE:  
You okay, Wendy?

WENDY:  
I think so. [sighs] Well, this could've gone better.

[In the background, Cartman unties the girls and removes the gags from all of them except Eiko. He ties her back up and then points and laughs at her. The other three girls share annoyed looks, until Terrence screams off screen.]

STAN:  
[off screen, shouting] Hold still, butt pirate! I'm trying to play genitical engineer and give you a new asshole!

KYLE:  
Actually, I think it went bad because we showed up.

WENDY:  
[smiling] Really? You think so?

[While Cartman tries talking to an uncaring Bebe, Red unties a very angry Eiko, who whips out a large paper fan and beats him senseless with it. As the other girls cheer, Kyle stands and helps Wendy to her feet.]

WENDY:  
Well, either way, I think my days as a super hero are over. I think I'll just stick to being the hot, but smart and bitchy girlfriend.

KYLE:  
Well, everyone has their roles in life, Wendy.

[In the far background, behind the girls, who are tying up a near unconscious Cartman, Terrence runs on screen, fleeing for his life, and is followed closely by a still outraged Stan, who is carrying a car above his head. Kenny stares with wild confusion on his face.]

TERRENCE:  
[faint, pleading] Please! I'm sorry! It won't happen again!

KYLE:  
You have yours and we have ours. And nobody in the world can change that.

[Stan stops running and throws the car at Terrence with all his might. Cut to a closeup of Terrence as a dark shadow looms over him.]

WENDY:  
[off screen] Y'know? You're absolutely right, Kyle!

[Terrence looks at the camera with utter fear and holds up a small sign bearing the word "Help!". The scene cuts back to Wendy and Kyle as a loud crashing sound and Terrence's screams are heard.]

WENDY:  
What the hell was that?

KENNY:  
[I think Stan just brought down some extreme justice.]

[Stan, wiping the dust from his hands, walks up to the three with the other girls following him.]

STAN:  
Wow. I feel so much better! Just seeing another guy with his hands on her like that... Now I know why Wendy gets so pissed off.

[Cut to a field of flowers as Stan and Kyle run through it, hand in hand. Cheesy romantic music plays in the background. They stop running and look at each other, still hand in hand.]

STAN:  
[softly] I love you, Kyle.

KYLE:  
[softly] I love you, too, you sexy raven haired boy with a poof ball hat you.

[Just as they start to move in to kiss, Wendy bursts into the scene, breaks a mailbox over Kyle's head, and pulls Stan away.]

STAN:  
[stunned] Dude!

[Wendy stops walking and turns to face Stan.]

WENDY:  
[pissed] What did I tell you?! Whether you like it or not! You're my bitch! And no man is gonna take you away from me!

[She takes off her coat and beret and tosses them aside.]

WENDY:  
[pissed] Now stop your god damn crying and pleasure me already!

[Stan shudders.]

STAN:  
One foot massage, comin’ up.

  
[SCENE: Bebe's House - Night  
Cartman nervously walks up to a curtain covered window and lightly taps on it. Cut to the four business suit Cartmans as they watch the scene via a television and share a bowl of popcorn.]

CARTMAN 3:  
God... I wish Stan was here to help keep me calm.

[The other three Cartmans jump Cartman 3 and, while shouting various hateful comments, proceed to beat the crap out of him. When we see the curtain pulled aside on the TV, cut back to reality. Bebe opens the window and looks at Cartman.]

BEBE:  
[surprised] Oh! Uh, hi.

CARTMAN:  
[nervously] Uh, hi... Um, Bebe? I know this might seem a little...odd, but I...I was wondering if maybe you'd, um, you'd...

BEBE:  
[leans in closer, low] I'd what...?

CARTMAN:  
[nervously, quickly] I was wondering if you'd go out with me this Friday!

[Bebe straightens up her stand and stares at Cartman in shock. Cartman wipes his forehead.]

CARTMAN:  
[low] Wow. That wasn't so hard.

BEBE:  
[slowly] Cartman...

CARTMAN:  
[hopeful] Yes?

BEBE:  
You're fat, racist-

[Cartman's hopeful expression changes to that of shock.]

BEBE:  
-stupid, irresponsible-

[He now looks like he wants to climb into a hole somewhere and cry.]

BEBE:  
-foul mouthed, and you lack proper personal hygiene. So, for those reasons and others, I will not go out with you. Ever.

[As Cartman sighs, the sound of breaking glass fills the air.]

BEBE:  
What was that?

CARTMAN:  
[downcast] That was the sound of my heart breaking...

BEBE:  
[softly] I'm sorry, Cartman...

[She closes the window in his face and lets the curtain fall back to its original position. Cut to the street, where Stan, Kyle, and Kenny watch Cartman slowly walk up to them.]

STAN:  
I take it...that it didn't go over too well.

CARTMAN:  
[downcast] Bam.

KYLE:  
At least you tried, dude. That's all that matters.

CARTMAN:  
[looking back at Bebe's house] Yeah. I'm not gonna give up, you guys. I'm gonna better myself. She'll be bound to say yes after that!

[The boys start to walk off.]

KYLE:  
[sarcastically] Yeah, okay. Good luck with that.

STAN:  
Yeah, totally don’t see that happening.

CARTMAN:  
[scoffs] I fucking hate you guys.

KYLE:  
We know, Cartman... We know. Say, you guys hear that tomorrow's Chef's last day as the gym teacher?

  
[SCENE: Wendy's House - Night  
Butters, carrying a camera, and Pip walk up to the door and knock on it.]

WENDY:  
[off screen, shouting] You keep acting like that and you'll just stay in your cage!

[The door opens and Wendy, now in her normal attire, smiles brightly at the two.]

WENDY:  
Hi, guys! What's up?

PIP:  
Oh! 'ello, Miss Wendy! We've come to see if you'll be smiting anymore villainous chaps this evening.

BUTTERS:  
Y-yeah! And I finally f-figured out h-how to use the camera so I can t-take p-pictures of you k-kicking ass!

[The camera flashes and spits out a picture.]

BUTTERS:  
[downcast] Aw, f-fishsticks! Th-that wasn't supposed to happen!

WENDY:  
No. Sorry, guys, but I've given up the superhero business to focus on other more important things.

PIP:  
[downcast] Oh... So, does that mean that we'll be picked on again?

WENDY:  
Nonsense! If somebody's giving you trouble, I'll personally put my foot up their ass!

BUTTERS:  
[excited] Wow! Y-you're awesome, Wendy!

PIP:  
Yes! Thank you so much, Miss Wendy! God bless!

Wendy smiles as the two run off.

WENDY:  
Maybe someday...Ironing Board Girl...will return...

[Cut to Wendy, now decked out in the nicer Ironing Board Girl costume, as she stands atop her house. As the breeze whips her hair around her, she grins and looks into the camera. Fade to black.]

WENDY:  
[voice over] But for now...I'm just regular old Man- er, Wendy.

[End Ironing Board Girl]


	14. Dread and the Fugitive Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colorado Rain Arc, Part 1.
> 
> Kyle's first journal entry after a life-changing event finally results in something more than mind altering.

Journal Entry xx/15/xx:

Journal, it's me, Kyle. My reality has been shattered. My grades are failing, I've lost all my friends, my family will only look sadly upon me, and my girlfriend, who I thought would always be by my side, suddenly left the country, leaving no real reason for her departure. All of this, just because I'm in constant severe pain. My mind, as I know it, has nearly been shattered to pieces. And now, after everything, I finally realize what's happening to- Wait. Maybe, I should back track a little and tell you the whole story...from the beginning.

Yes, I'm still in the 4th grade at South Park Elementary and my friends were Stan Marsh, Kenny McCormick, and the fat ass Eric Cartman. And I had a beautiful girlfriend named Eiko Kisaragi. That's right. I used past tense. I had all those things...before the pain started... It was the first week the new gym teacher was around, when I started feeling...a sort of stiffness in my right ankle. It didn't really hurt, it just...felt like someone had tightly wrapped a towel around it. Anyway, yeah, we have a new teacher for gym. This asshole makes us run laps all freakin' period. Chef never made us do that. Not only that, but all our activities are now harder and more strenuous [I learned a new word today!]. At first, I thought nothing of the stiffness and just took it like a man.

A month or so passed, and pain gradually became a factor. Sharp, searing pain that made me want to pull my hair out. I started taking asprin round the clock to dull the ache. I tried to deal with it, silently hoping that it was just a brief growing pain or something. My friends and my girlfriend stood behind me in an attempt to keep me sane.

Another month passed, and the pain evolved into a loss of my abilty to walk after gym class. It was unbearable. Everyday Stan would have to help me hobble out of class and everyday Eiko would have to help me into and around my house. The pain was like someone had shoved a hundred Ginsu knives into my ankle and then put my foot into a vice grip. I couldn't put weight on it, I couldn't even move it. The next morning, movement would return, pain would subside, and then the...unbearable...cycle would begin again. This was not a growing pain.

Finally, I'd had enough of it. I couldn't take it any longer. Something had to be done. I suddenly found myself at the doctor with high hopes of a fast recovery. The doctor, however, soon banished those hopes to hell. He said that I have...a condition. I have tarsal co-ali-tion [I think that's how it's spelled.], which is found in only 1% of the US population... Which means basically, that several bones in my foot are fused together and surgery is mainly the only option. I found out that my parents can't afford it because of a new law firm that moved into South Park and is taking business away from my dad. I have three words for that, "God fucking dammit!"

It was about that time when the pain became constant, I started hiding within my own mind, in a place where I couldn't feel any pain. I cried myself to sleep at night. I wouldn't leave my room or my bed for any reason, except for school [Damn my sense of morality!]. My friends, especially Stan, would come over to try and cheer me up. After a while, they stopped coming around, which sent me further away from reality. But I couldn't let go entirely... One thing kept me clinging onto the real world, well, person really... Eiko... Despite it all, even on those nights when I was crying from the pain, she would be there to hold me and comfort me. One morning, though, I woke up and suddenly free fell away from reality in the raging torrent that is my mind.

Usually, in the morning, when I woke from a not so good night's sleep, I'd find my own dark haired beauty lying on the bed next to me, watching me, all the while with a bright smile on her face. This morning, it wasn't her wonderful smile that greeted me, but a simple tear stained note that said, "I have gone back to Japan." After reading it, my own tears joined hers on the paper. I no longer felt the need to remain in reality and so, I let myself go and on a raft built out of a severe delireum, I traveled into the uncharted wilderness that is my mind.

I don't remember much of what happened after that. I just remember I stopped going to school at that point and my parents opening my bedroom door every now and then and watching me as I stared blankly at the stucco ceiling. I had nothing left. I was broken, physically and mentally. If and when I returned to the painful reality, suiside actually crossed my mind. I never went through with the idea [Thank God!]. It...didn't sit well with me... The thought of me slicing my own wrist open just to end my problems... Teh. What good would it do me? Let me make up a chart type thing here...

** Suiside - What good would it do me? **  
**Good:**

  1. No more physical pain.
  2. No more mental exhaustion.



**Bad:**

  1. My family will be sad.
  2. My friends will more than likely be sad.
  3. A bloody mess in the bathroom.
  4. I won't be able to do the things I want when I'm older.
  5. I'l never see Eiko again...
  6. Suiside is the easy way out...



Well, let's see... The bad beats the good 3 to 1. It was this morning, after I woke up from a restless sleep, that I thought this stuff up. I guess I'm thinking straight after all. I also realized, as I gazed upon my messy [more like destroyed] room, that I can't continue like this. I can't turn a blind eye foreward any longer. My reality has crashed down around me, and now it's time...to pick up the pieces. And so I'll close the entry with some words from a song I heard on the radio today as I struggled to clean up my room. Somehow, they seem fitting to my situation...

 _When I'm tired and thinking cold,_  
_I hide in my music, forget the day,_  
_and dream of a girl I used to know._  
_I closed my eyes and she slipped away._

_She slipped away._

-Kyle


	15. No Leaf Clover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colorado Rain Arc, Part 2.
> 
> To deal with the loss of Kyle, Stan, Kenny, and Cartman realize that they need to find a temporary fourth friend.

[SCENE: Kyle's Bedroom - Morning  
The barely risen sun shines in through the window, illuminating a crying Eiko, who is sitting on the bed next to a sleeping Kyle. She wipes tears from her eyes and writes something down on a piece of paper. She steps down from the bed and places the note next to Kyle's head.

EIKO:  
[in Japanese] {Kyle, I cannot see you like this any longer. Good bye...my sweetheart.}

[Before she walks out of the room, she turns back to look at him as he rolls around restlessly.]

EIKO:  
[softly] I'm sorry...

[Fade to black.]

  
[SCENE: Stan's House  
Stan exits his house with his backpack slung over one shoulder.]

STAN:  
Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad!

[He hops down the steps and walks towards the street. As he makes his way down the sidewalk to the bus stop, he bumps into Eiko.]

STAN:  
Oh, hey, dude!

EIKO:  
[downcast] Hello, Stan-kun...

STAN:  
[looking around] Where's Kyle?

EIKO:  
[downcast] He won't be at school...and neither will I.

STAN:  
[shocked] What? Why?

EIKO:  
[crying] Stan, please take care of Kairu-kun...

STAN:  
I... I don't think I understand.

[She runs off down the street, sobbing loudly, and leaves Stan to watch her.]

STAN:  
Dude, did she just...?

[He shakes his head and continues walking.]

STAN:  
God dammit. Of all the times she coulda bailed...why did she pick now? Sonova bitch...

[Cut to Kyle's room as he slowly opens his eyes.]

KYLE:  
Eiko?

[He slowly sits up and cringes when he moves his leg.]

KYLE:  
[hushed] Fuck! Shit! Shit! Shit!

[He gingerly rubs his foot as he looks around the room.]

SHEILA:  
[off screen] Kyle! Eiko! Time to get up!

KYLE:  
Eiko?

[He looks down and spots the note on his pillow. With a shaking hand, he picks it up.]

KYLE:  
No... No, I'm... I'm not reading this...

[Cut to the kitchen, where Ike is sitting in his chair reading the Wall Street Journal. Gerald and Sheila walk into the kitchen from the living room, just as Kyle's heart wrenching screams fill the house.]

SHEILA:  
Kyle!

[The two waste no time and run into the hallway leading to Kyle's room. Ike looks up from his paper and in the direction his parents had vacated.]

  
[SCENE: Bus Stop  
Stan, Kenny, and Cartman walk up to each other and stand in a perfect straight line. Stan looks at the group, then sighs.]

CARTMAN:  
What the hell is your problem?

STAN:  
Kyle and Eiko won't be joining us today.

KENNY:  
(Is Kyle getting worse?)

CARTMAN:  
Getting worse? Dude, that Jew has it all right now! Y'know, since he decided that he wanted to become a freakin' cripple, his bitch has to help his bitch ass around. God, and to think! I coulda had a bitch to wait on me hand and foot like that!

STAN:  
[irked] Cartman, starting... [looks at his watch] ...now, I'm ignoring you.

CARTMAN:  
What?!

STAN:  
Anyway, Kenny, I saw Eiko this morning on my way here.

CARTMAN:  
Hey! Don't ignore me!

KENNY:  
(And...?)

STAN:  
[pauses] She's bailing on him.

KENNY/CARTMAN: [shocked] What?!

CARTMAN:  
I always knew that fuckin' chink was a bitch! I say we find her rice pickin' ass and kick 'er in the god damn balls!

STAN:  
It's nice to see that you care, Cartman.

KENNY: (And she had to pull this now, when he's already emotionally distraught...)

STAN:  
I know... To be honest, I'm... I'm afraid of how Kyle might take this...

_____________________________________________________________

We were finally free of that prison we call school. After sitting there for hours, waiting for the final bell to ring, we could see Kyle. Teh. Everybody heard about the whole situation and not because we had said anything. Gossip in a small town like South Park can spread like freakin' wild fire. The only thing I can think of - somebody else besides me saw Eiko this morning and asked her about Kyle. I was almost tempted to see if Mr. Garrison would let us out early to check up on him, but...

We were all nervous when we finally reached our destination. Not like going to a new friend's house kind of nervousness, but an oh-my-god-how-the-hell-is-he-gonna-take-this kinda nervousness. Before I reached up to knock on the door, I took one last look at Kenny and Cartman. Kenny smiled weakly underneath his hood and crossed fingers on both his hands. Cartman just shrugged as if to say, "What the hell're you lookin' at me for, asshole?" I knocked loudly on the door and jumped back when it immediately flew open. For a moment, we saw Kyle's mom as she was truly feeling; distraught times ten. Even after she composed herself, her cheerfulness could still be seen as fake. Apparently, the situation was bad. "Oh, hello, boys." she said softly to us. She didn't really even make an attempt to disguise the emotion in her voice.

"Hello, Mrs. Broflovski," the three of us greeted in perfect unison. I tried to give a smile, but I was able to tell from the look on her face that it didn't quite come out that way. "Can we see Kyle?" I inquired.

Kyle's mom dropped her fake smile and crouched down to speak to us, face to face. "Boys," her voice seemed to waver as she spoke, "I'm not going to lie to you. Kyle..." She brought a hand to her face to hide her tears. For a moment, I almost wanted to hug her. "Kyle stopped talking this morning because-"  
I didn't waste any more time. I knew from experience what it was like to have your girlfriend break up with you. But with Kyle already being down because of his health... I pushed my way into the house and made a beeline for Kyle's room. I knocked on the door and said his name a few times. Nothing. No response at all. Not even a hoarse whisper or a groan. I opened the door and gasped at what I saw.

Kyle was laying flat on his bed and staring at the ceiling with his...red eyes. He just...looked awful. I almost wanted to cry myself. "Kyle?" My voice didn't come out the way I wanted it. It came out tiny and scared. Hell, I was scared. I was scared for my best friend. "Kyle, dude, we- we've come to see you. C-Cartman and Kenny are here with me."

When Cartman and Kenny entered the room and gasped at what they saw, the scariest thing happened. Kyle slowly turned his head to look at us with glazed over eyes. It was almost like...he couldn't see us. After a moment, he started singing, but not in his normal singing voice. This sounded more like someone running a cat over with a lawnmower. "I am, I am Israel’s son, Israel’s son I am. Put your hands in the air. Put your hands in the air." And he repeated that several times in that...haunting voice before he screamed. The three of us backed up. We were scared.

This was not Kyle. Kyle had run away inside his mind to hide from the outside world.

_____________________________________________________________

[SCENE: Bus Stop  
The three boys are standing there with their backpacks, staring blankly ahead.]

STAN:  
Dude, yesterday...was scary...

KENNY:  
(I'll say.)

STAN:  
I mean, how the hell are we supposed to respond to that? How the hell are we supposed to help someone who can't even tell what the hell is going on around him?

KENNY:  
(I don't know.)

CARTMAN:  
We leave him be.

STAN:  
What?! What the hell did you just say?!

CARTMAN:  
I said, "We leave him be." Stan, I don't know a whole lot about this stuff, nor am I gonna say that I do. But I do know this, with the Jew gone, someone has to take his place as the fag who always points out the obvious. An' I'll gladly step up and do it! If we pester Kyle and force feed reality to him on a stick, what good will it do? Not much. If anything, he'll run farther away from us. He needs time, Stan. And he can't get it if you're always there as a reminder of the cruel reality.

STAN:  
But-

CARTMAN:  
Let it go, dude.

KENNY:  
(Cartman...)

[Stan crosses his arms and stares ahead with set determination.]

STAN:  
You're such a freakin' bitch, Cartman.

CARTMAN:  
Stop pouting because you lost, pussy.

STAN:  
I'm not pouting because I lost, fat ass... I'm pouting because...you're right.

  
[SCENE: A Japanese Temple  
All along the walls of the temple are many weapons of various types and a multitude of banners bearing Japanese phrases, from "A door that is not a door is ajar," to "Store nuts in pants during the winter time, young grasshopper." At the far end of the room is a shrine containing a granite statue of and various pictures of Tifa Lockhart. A wiry old Japanese man dressed in white ceremonial robes and a sheathed sword on his waist is praying in front of the shrine. He has a long white mustache and a long white braided beard. After a moment, he opens one eye and looks to the side. All dialogue in this scene is in Japanese with yellow English subtitles.

OLD MAN:  
You have returned early, Omagosan.

[With a whooshing of air SFX, the camera quickly circles to the side of the old man to reveal Eiko standing forlornly a ways behind him.]

EIKO:  
[downcast] I know, Ojiisan.

OJIISAN:  
You have been standing there for a long time...

EIKO:  
Hai, Ojiisan. You were praying to the goddess Tifa. I did not wish to disturb you.

OJIISAN:  
Hmm... What has happened in America to bring you back here?

EIKO:  
[downcast] Ojiisan... I have done something terrible...

[The old man stands and turns to face his granddaughter.]

OJIISAN:  
Hai? Then tell me. What have you done, child? What have you done to give yourself guilt of this kind?

EIKO:  
[crying] Ojiisan... I have abandoned someone in need...

OJIISAN:  
Nani?

EIKO:  
[crying] I have abandoned one I care about...when he needed me the most...

OJIISAN:  
Perhaps we should discuss this in the proper manner.

[He draws his sword and drops into a fighting stance, leaving Eiko to look upon him with shock.]

OJIISAN:  
Draw your swords.

EIKO:  
But, Ojiisan!

OJIISAN:  
You will do it.

[She relentlessly draws her twin blades and also drops into a fighting stance.]

EIKO:  
I...I cannot fight you, Ojiisan.

OJIISAN:  
I have taught you better than to abandon someone in need. While you realize your mistake, you did not correct it. You have brought great dishonor upon our family. If you wish to regain the honor you have lost, you will fight me.

EIKO:  
...But you are bigger and older than me.

OJIISAN:  
Have my teachings to you been for naught? You should know that the size and age of your opponent does not matter. If you win this battle, I will say nothing more and not force anything upon you. If you lose...

EIKO:  
If I lose, Ojiisan...?

OJIISAN:  
You will train hard and fight me until you win. Then, you will go back to America to make amends with the one you abandoned.

EIKO:  
Ha- Hai, Ojiisan.

OJIISAN:  
Very well. Prepare yourself, Omagosan.

[Eiko, looking frightened, tightens her grip on her weapons and shirks back a step as her grandfather charges at her.]

_____________________________________________________________

How long has it been since I made Stan see the truth on how to handle the "Jewed Situation" as I call it? Shit, I can't even remember, but it's been a while. A week maybe? Eh. I guess it doesn't really matter. What does matter, is that things have sucked since the Jew stopped comin' around. I'm afraid to come out and admit it directly to the other guys, but I really miss him. The bickerin', the mock fights, his Jewness just plain pissin' me off. I... I really miss it. I slipped on my trusty red coat and yellow gloves and opened the front door. "Bye, ma!" I called to my mom, "I'm gonna be with the guys today!" Today...was gonna be one hell of a day. I walked outta my house and breathed in the cold South Park air.

I talked it over with Stan and Kenny and we agreed that while Kyle was momentarily out of the picture we would bring in another person to "take" his place. None of us are happy about it, that hippie Stan especially.

Stan looked coldly at me with eyes that seemed to wanna break my neck. "What the hell did you just say?" he said to me in a deep gruff voice. Oh, shit... I'm losin' 'im. I thought carefully about my words before I used them.

"Think about it, you guys!" I replied as cheerfully as I could. With Stan drillin' imaginary holes in my head and Kenny barely even payin' attention to me, it was hard to be anythin' but downcast. "We hold a contest to find a temporary friend to replace the Jew!" The guys just stared at me. No response. Not even a negative comment. Just silence.

It was a few moments before Kenny made his thoughts 'bout my idea known with a well placed middle finger. I scoffed as Stan added his commentary. "Look, fat ass," he said in a hushed angry tone, "We're not replacing Kyle. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever." Didn't those dumb asses hear what I said? After he and Kenny turned to walk away, Stan turned his head back to look coldly at me. "Cartman, I should kick your ass, but doing so won't make Kyle any better and I'll just look like an asshole for kicking the fat kid's ass."

"But..." I was seriously appalled here. Here I was, tryin' to give Kyle a chance to get better and these assholes just would not listen to reason. "God dammit!" I screamed out after them as they walked away, "Why the fuck do you think I said 'temporary friend'?!"

I don't know how the hell I got them to finally see things my way...but they agreed that Kyle needs time to find himself, and in order for that to happen, we need a fourth friend. So, at the park today, we'll be having the contest...the contest to find the temporary replacement for Kyle. Aw, dude! It's gonna be so wicked killer! I can hardly wait! I haven't had candy in a few days, maybe I'll have a piece to celebrate. I patted my pockets to find them empty. I know I grabbed some before I left the hou- Oh, god dammit! Now I gotta go BACK to the house to get some GOD DAMN candy! Ah, fuck it. I'll get some later.

_____________________________________________________________

  
[SCENE: Kyle's Bedroom - Morning  
Sunlight bathes Kyle in his bed as he slowly opens an eye to look around.]

KYLE:  
[dazed] Are you there Paul? [squints] I know you're here... [whispers] I can hear you grinning at me. [normal, but still dazed] What were you thinking by doing a song with Jackson?!

[With glazed over eyes, he looks over at his clock/radio.]

KYLE:  
[dazed] Kyle needs sound to make the tugboat get him a thanksgiving table lamp.

[He fumbles around a bit and finally gets the radio turned on. After a burst of static, we hear the disc jockey speaking.]

DJ:  
[on radio] So, anyway, yesterday I farted on my girlfriend and totally pissed her off. It was so funny, I wet my pants! [laughs] Anyway, next up we got some Ozzy, the Scorpions, and Jethro Tull here on Bitch-Rock one-oh-five seven. The bitchiest rock of the region. First, some commercials.

[Kyle rolls onto his back and gives a goofy smile.]

KYLE:  
[dazed] The tugboat is now happy. Kyle will get his table lamp and give it to the daughter's emperor.

[He suddenly looks angrily over to the side.]

KYLE:  
[dazed] Nobody cares if you're dead, Paul! Now give Kyle back his Japanese baseball!

[His eyes suddenly widen and lose that glazed over look.]

KYLE:  
[softly] Eiko...

[When he covers his face with his hand, we hear his crying.]

KYLE:  
[crying] Why...? Why did you leave me...? Was it because of...my condition...?

[He removes his hand from his face and looks out the window.]

KYLE:  
[crying] I can't keep living like this...

[He sits up and yelps as he turns to get off the bed.]

KYLE:  
[crying] God dammit!

[He puts one foot down on the floor and nothing, no reaction. He slowly puts the other on the floor, cries out in pain and falls face first to the carpeting.]

KYLE:  
[crying, shouting] Fuck this! Fuck this god damn foot, fuck God for fucking giving it to me, and fuck Eiko for- God dammit! I can't fucking TAKE this ANYMORE!

[His eyes get glazed over just as Sheila runs into the room. She kneels down next to him and cradles his head in her arms.]

SHEILA:  
[crying] Shhh... It's going to be alright, Bubalah...

KYLE:  
[crying, dazed] Eiko...? Where are you?

SHEILA:  
[crying] Oh, Kyle... Don't be like this...

KYLE:  
[crying, dazed] Kyle-kun can feel you, yet you aren't here... Kyle-kun can taste you, but you've gone away... His heart is empty and his leg is broken, but a bottled fairy can't fill it and a potion can't fix it... I...I see darkness coming...!

[As the scene fades out, Kyle screams.]

KYLE:  
[voice over, screaming] TAKE IT ALL AWAY FROM ME!!!

_____________________________________________________________

As I walked up to the large group of kids, a shiver went down my spine. Something about this just seemed flat out wrong. I made my way towards the front of the crowd where Cartman and Stan were waiting for me. "Well, it's about friggin' time you showed up, asshole!" the fat ass screamed at me, "We've been waitin' forever for you ta get yer ass in gear!" When he shook his fists in anger, I just rolled my eyes. What a frickin' baby. I'm only five minutes late. Calm your fat ass down.

I looked over at Stan and got a weak smile as a greeting. He looked worse for wear. I've definitely seen him looking better...but considering what we were about to do... I didn't feel any better about it than he did. Kyle was still our friend. We can't just replace him, but like lard ass said, he needs time to heal his mind and we need someone else to get our minds off of him for awhile. I see the logic in that, but still...we can't just replace him. We cover each other's faults and weaknesses. We're a rock n' roll force to be reckoned with. Apart - Well, each one of us can hold our own, but nothing like when we're together. We don't have the same impact on the world. Apart, we’d be like clovers without any leaves.

When one of us is missing in action, we all feel it. Since Kyle had gone, we've all been working double to cover for him, to be the logical, yet somehow rational, guy who always points out the obvious. Cartman stood up and accepted it at first. He didn't do too bad of a job, but it's not the same. Ringo can't sing like John. But John is more or less dead to the world and someone, anyone, has to take his place. I think that's why Cartman came up with this fucking idea.

Damn. I'm getting a headache from all this. I wish things could be easier. I nodded to Stan and he walked up to a nearby podium and hopped up on the stool behind it. He tapped the microphone a few times to test it. He looked like he was about to barf. Jesus... I thought my head hurt. I can only imagine what his feels like. Stan sighed and started speaking to all the kids who showed up for this. God, why does this make me feel unclean? It makes me feel like I'm no better than Eiko. I feel like...I'm abandoning Kyle...


	16. The Friendship Connection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colorado Rain Arc, Part 3.
> 
> When the boys hold a contest to find the temporary Kyle replacement, Stan realizes where he needs to be.

[SCENE: Ojiisan's Temple  
As the camera pans across the many trees that surround the hill on top of which the temple rests, Eiko quickly runs up the many steps leading to the entrance.]

EIKO:  
[voice over] It has been a week since I returned home to the temple and failed to best Ojiisan in a duel of honor.

[Cut to Eiko, now inside the temple, covered in bandages and training with her grandfather.]

EIKO:  
[voice over] My training in the martial arts has become stricter and harder.

[She falls to the ground with a look of pain on her face, but Ojiisan picks her up and makes her continue.]

EIKO:  
[voice over] I am not allowed any rest, but at night and when I eat. I'm tired and I hurt all over. Kairu-kun? Is this what you felt everyday after gym class?

[Cut to Eiko, now standing on a mountain cliff over looking a forested valley, as rain pours down around her, like her tears. She wipes her face with a sleeve of her kimono.]

EIKO:  
[voice over] Oyamaa. Kairu-kun... I am sorry... Please, find it in your heart to forgive me...

[Ojiisan walks on screen, carrying an umbrella.]

OJIISAN:  
[in English] Eiko, granddaughter, it is time to return to the temple.

[Thunder rumbles softly in the distance as Eiko nods her head in compliance.]

EIKO:  
[downcast] Yes, grandpa.

[She turns around to follow her grandfather down the path, but looks back over the valley.]

EIKO:  
[whispers] Kyle...

[As she walks down the path between two walls of trees, the rain falls even harder.]

EIKO:  
[voice over] Please wait for me...just for a little longer...

  
[SCENE: Random Park  
Stan is standing at a podium in front of all the fourth graders of South Park. He coughs and nervously fiddles with his hat.]

STAN:  
[downcast] Everyone, I'm sure you all know by now, but I'll say it just in case. Over the past few months, Kyle's foot has been getting worse. He needs surgery, but his parents can't afford it.

CARTMAN:  
[low] They're Jewish! They just don't wanna pay for it...

STAN:  
[angrily hushed] Fat ass!

CARTMAN:  
[softly] Sorry...

STAN:  
And as you all know, Kyle stopped coming to school about a week ago. That was when Eiko had left to return to Japan. Why she left, we don't know, but we can guess.

[Clyde raises a hand.]

STAN:  
Yes? Clyde?

CLYDE:  
So, why exactly doesn't he come to school? His foot didn't stop him before.

[A few other kids speak in agreement. When Stan just stares out into the distance, Kenny walks up to the podium and taps him on the shoulder.]

KENNY:  
(Let me handle this.)

[Stan nods and walks off to the side where he just stands looking forlornly. Kenny readjusts the mic.]

KENNY:  
(Kyle...is losing his mind.)

[This causes the crowd to murmur in surprise.]

KENNY:  
(While our hearts are with him, we, ourselves, can't be. He needs time and we're all tempted to not give that to him.)

[Cartman walks up next to the podium.]

CARTMAN:  
That's why we're havin'..."The Friendship Connection"...

_____________________________________________________________

I don't know what time it is... I don't even know what day it is. I slowly crawled down the hallway towards the bathroom. My foot was hurting so god damn bad... My heart hurt just as much, if not worse... I need to ease the pain. I need to be pain free. There's only one way I can think of. When I finally reached the bathroom door, I pulled myself up into a standing position with help from the sink. On one foot, I hopped over and closed the door and locked it. My parents didn't need to see this... God, what would they say...?

In the drawer, underneath the sink, was where my dad kept his spare razor blades... All it would take would be one slice across each wrist and I'd be free from the pain. Free from my condition, free from the absence of the one girl who made me feel alive. I can't take this anymore... I need to be free as a bird, not confined to a fucking cage... I opened the drawer and rummaged through it to find what I was searching for. It had to be here, I know it was... It was my key, my key to happiness. Finally, I found it. The little object glinted in the light. I don't remember much of what happened next, but the next thing I knew, I was on the floor with a puddle of blood around me. Whose blood was this? Was it mine? Oh, god... What have I done? I'm gonna die! I don't want to die! The blood flowed around me and clung to my pajamas, staining them a dark red. Was this the end...? It's funny even when you intentionally try to kill yourself, right before your life slips away from you, you want to remain living... My neck became limp and my head fell into the puddle of blood.

I opened my eyes to find myself sitting on the toilet with the razor poised to strike my wrist. Had I just imagined all that? My hands were shaking, my palms were sweating. Could I go through with it? Could I seriously do this? I inched it closer to my skin, almost to the point where I could feel the sharp edge. I threw the razor into the nearby bathtub with so much force, that it shattered into a thousand pieces. I can't do it! I can't do it. But I want it so bad...so bad I can taste it... I'm still alive, and I'm glad, but a part of me...is distraught. I screamed my frustrations out to no one, save myself.

_____________________________________________________________

  
[SCENE: The Set of "The Friendship Connection"  
"The Friendship Connection" can be seen hanging on the wall in big bright and flashing neon pink letters.]

CARTMAN:  
[voice over] This it! The moment you've all been waitin' for! This is...The Friendship Connection!

[The crowd of fourth graders stand up and applaud wildly.]

CARTMAN:  
[voice over] And here's your host, Kenny (I like my girls in leather) McCormick!

[Kenny, without his hood, walks on screen wearing a seedy suit and tie.]

KENNY:  
[laughs] Hi, everyone, and welcome to the Friendship Connection! Boy, today is gonna be a doozy of a show! Let me tell ya!

[The crowd goes wild with applause.]

KENNY:  
Alright, alright. [laughs] Anyway... Who's the friend in need, you pus filled testicle wart?

CARTMAN:  
[voice over] Eat me, bitch. Our friend in need today is Stan Marsh.

[Stan walks on screen and sits on a stool on one side of a wall separating the set.]

CARTMAN:  
[voice over] Stan enjoys long walks on the beach, cuddling, and the sounds of a string quartet... Hah! What a fag!

KENNY:  
[mockingly] Wow... Sounds like a winner there... [normal] Let's bring out our contestants! Don't rush the stage now, you guys!

CARTMAN:  
[voice over] Aiight! Our stupid bitchy contestants are...Clyde Goodman...

[Clyde walks into the scene from the opposite side that Stan did and takes a seat on a stool near the wall.]

CARTMAN:  
[voice over] ...Bebe Stevens... [shocked] What?! Bebe?!

[Bebe walks out, smiling brightly, and sits down next to Clyde.]

CARTMAN:  
[voice over, clears throat] ...and Pip Pirrup.

[Pip walks out and takes a seat next to Bebe.]

PIP:  
Oh! What jolly good fun!

CARTMAN:  
[voice over] Take it over, Kenny...you friggin' bastard.

KENNY:  
[laughs] Alright! Stan? Would you like to start?

STAN:  
Yeah, okay... This goes to all contestants; If I was suffering from a severe mental breakdown...what would you do?

CLYDE:  
Sorry... I'm not going there...

BEBE:  
I'd see if there was anything I could do to help, and if I can't help, I'd wait for you to get better...

PIP:  
Oh, dear, miss... You've taken the words right out of my mouth.

STAN:  
[gets angrier with each word] 'Kay... Next question: If you were in a group of four and one of your friends got sick, would you kick this friend out and hold a stupid contest to replace him?

CLYDE:  
No... That's stupid.

BEBE:  
Who the hell thought of that? They need their ass kicked!

PIP:  
Oh, how dreadful! I quite agree with the others.

STAN:  
Thank you. I now know where I need to be.

[Stan walks off screen with a huff.]

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] Where the hell are you goin', asshole?!

STAN:  
[off screen] Screw you, fat ass! And screw your stupid ass contest! I'm going to see my best friend! I'm going to see Kyle!

  
[SCENE: Ojiisan's Temple - Inside  
Ojiisan leads Eiko to the Tifa Lockhart shrine. He pushes the head down on the statue and a secret door opens nearby.]

EIKO:  
Ojiisan?

[They enter the secret passage and walk down a dark corridor.]

OJIISAN:  
Today, you will be doing something a little different, Omagosan...

EIKO:  
[puzzled] Different, Ojiisan?

OJIISAN:  
[smirks] You will see...

[The corridor ends and, after Ojiisan opens the door, the two find themselves standing in a foggy marsh. A lone tree stands in the middle of the area.]

EIKO:  
[eyes wide] Wh-what is this?

OJIISAN:  
[smirks] Hm... The only way to find out, is to experience...

[He steps back through the door and shuts it, leaving Eiko to stare at it and give a frightened whimper. She turns to look at the tree and a shadowed figure rises out of the water. She takes a step back when the figure speaks.]

FAMILIAR VOICE:  
Hi, Eiko...

EIKO:  
[shocked] K-Kairu-kun?

[The figure steps forward out of the shadows to reveal himself as none other than Kyle, brandishing a shield in his right hand and a wooden sword in his left.]

KYLE:  
[snidely] Why did you leave me?

EIKO:  
I-I couldn't...

KYLE:  
[snidely] You what? You couldn't deal with me anymore? Huh? Was that it, you selfish bitch?!

EIKO:  
[tearing] I couldn't stand to see you suf-

KYLE:  
[mocking] Oh! The truth comes out now! You couldn't stand to see me!

EIKO:  
[tearing] But, Kairu-kun! Let me-

KYLE:  
[pissed] Don't you dare call me that!

[Kyle drops into a fighting stance.]

KYLE:  
[pissed] You've killed me, bitch! Now, see how it feels after I kill you!

EIKO:  
[frantic] But, Kyle-

[With a cry, Kyle rushes up to Eiko and just as he's about to smash into her, he leaps into the air. At the peak of his leap, he makes to bring his sword down upon her head, but-]

EIKO:  
[shouting] Supining fungeki!

[-in one motion, Eiko draws her twin wooden swords and spins quickly, resulting in an attack that resembles spinning helicopter blades. The force of her attack sends Kyle flying into the water some ways away. He stands and straightens his hat.]

KYLE:  
Hey, Eiko. [reaches behind his back] Eat this!

[He whips out a boomerang and throws it with an amazing force, causing Eiko to block it with her wooden swords. Kyle takes the opportunity to rush her and attempts to attack her lower regions with a foot sweep. She does not dodge it in time and ends up falling backwards. Using the energy from her fall, she reverse rolls into a crouching position. Kyle looms over her with his sword.]

KYLE:  
I hope you like my wood, Eiko...'cause I'm about to beat you with it!

[Eiko, screaming, dodges to the side as a vertical slice cuts air where she had been. She rolls to her feet and tosses several wooden throwing stars in Kyle's direction, only to fly harmless into the water. Kyle had disappeared.]

KYLE:  
[off screen] Hey, bitch!

[Eiko looks up to see Kyle perched in a nearby tree and aiming a fire arrow at her.]

KYLE:  
I'm about to make you hot!

[He lets the arrow fly. Just as it's about to connect with flesh, Eiko sidesteps and looks angrily up at Kyle.]

EIKO:  
Akuma! You are not Kyle! Who are you?

[Kyle grins and drops down from the tree.]

KYLE:  
I'm Kyle...yet at the same time, I'm not. I'm the reason you ran away... I'm what you can't face. I'm that which you fear, yet love at the same time. I'm all that...given a physical form.

[Eiko charges at the boy. Kyle, meanwhile, yawns and crosses his arms in boredom. She cocks back and slashes both her swords at the same time in a horizontal slice. She holds her swords in the final position of the attack and blinks her eyes in confusion.]

EIKO:  
Where did he go?

KYLE:  
[off screen] Look to your right...

[The girl complies and finds Kyle balancing weightlessly on both of her swords.]

KYLE:  
[snidely] Nightie-night!

[He kicks her in the face and the scene cuts to black.]

STAN:  
[voice over] Kyle... I'm sorry, dude... Now that I really see you... I understand why Eiko left...

KYLE:  
[voice over, dazed] I see a midget at the end of a long tunnel making googly eyes at me!

STAN:  
[voice over, sighs] Kyle... I'm gonna go home now...

KYLE:  
[voice over, dazed] And I call him "Mr. Picklini"!

STAN:  
[voice over, crying] I can't see you like this anymore... It hurts too much... Just in case I don't ever see you normally again...you're my best friend, dude... I'll miss you.

[There are soft sounds of footsteps on carpeting, then the sound of a door opening and shutting quietly.]


	17. Violet Butterfly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colorado Rain Arc, Extra 1.
> 
> Stan meets Wendy at Stark's Pond.

[SCENE: Playground  
Stan, Kenny, and Cartman are standing near the slide, talking amongst themselves.]

CARTMAN:  
[grinning] So, the Jew's on the road to recovery... I'm... I'm actually glad to hear that...

KENNY:  
(Kinda strange hearing that coming from your mouth, Cartman. You're usually the first to rip him a new one.)

CARTMAN:  
[looking around nervously] You guys didn't hear me say that...

STAN:  
[rolls eyes] Whatever, Cartman.

KENNY:  
[eyes light up] (Hey! I have an idea! Let's go see him after school!)

STAN:  
[shakes his head] When I saw him yesterday, he said he was gonna be at the doctor all day. Let's wait until tomorrow or Sunday. Besides... I... I kinda have plans for tonight.

CARTMAN:  
[crosses his arms] Oh? What's so god damn important that you can't hang out with us?

STAN:  
[nervously] Well, it's just... Me and Wendy have been "a couple"...again...for a few months now and we really haven't spent any time together...

CARTMAN:  
What? What the hell're you talkin' about? We almost never see you away from your hippie bitch!

STAN:  
I meant alone, dumb ass...

KENNY:  
[rubs his hands together in an almost evil manner] (Sounds like you have a hot evening planned.)

[Cut to a close up of Stan and Wendy's faces as they kiss in front of a roaring fire. The two break apart and stare longingly at each other.]

STAN:  
[smirks] So...

[The camera zooms back to reveal them standing in front of a burning house.]

STAN:  
[smirking] Whose house should we burn down next?

[When Wendy opens her mouth to speak, cut back to the boys in the playground.]

STAN:  
[grins] I'd like to think so, Kenny. I'd like to think so...

[Cartman rolls his eyes in annoyance and the scene fades out.]

  
[SCENE: Stark's Pond - Evening  
As the full moon hovers above the mountain range, the many stars twinkle about in the sky as if God Himself was trying to relay a message to his children. A shooting star passes in front of the giant ball of white light and disappears from sight. Stan, on the other hand, is sitting [looking away from us] on a tree stump near the pond with a basket and a boombox within his reach. The camera cuts to a frontal of him as he leans his head on a hand, which is propped up by a knee.]

STAN:  
[anxious] C'mon, Wendy...

[He looks at his watch and sighs.]

STAN:  
[anxious] It's not like you to be thirty seconds late...

[A foreign hand clamps onto his shoulder and sends him jumping up in a panic.]

STAN:  
[screaming] Ahhh! Don't eat me! I'm not kosher!

WENDY:  
[off screen, giggles] Hi, Stan!

[Stan turns white and falls over unconscious with a comical percussion beat. Dissolve to sometime later, as Stan and Wendy, sitting on a blanket quite near the water, eat sandwiches.]

WENDY:  
[looks down at her sandwich, surprised] This is delicious, Stan! What is it?

STAN:  
[bashfully] I-it's just turkey and cheese, Wendy...

WENDY:  
[one eyebrow raised] Did your mom make these?

STAN:  
[bashfully] No... Um, I did...

WENDY:  
[leans forward, low] Well, that certainly explains why they taste so good...

Stan laughs, quite embarrassed, before reaching into the basket to produce a wine bottle.

WENDY:  
[shocked] Oh my god! Stan! Is that wine?! We-we can't drink that!

STAN:  
Relax, Wendy. It's just grape juice.

[He holds the bottle so that Wendy can read the label. Cut to a close up of said label, which reads "Welshie's Virgin Grape Wine - Making Non-Alchoholic Drinks For Young Virgins In Love Since 1932". Return to the previous camera angle.]

WENDY:  
[bounces up and down in excitement] Oh, Stan! How did you know that I liked Welshie's?

STAN:  
[leans back and props himself up with his hands, coolly] I have my methods...

[Flashback to Bebe's room as she sleeps soundly in her bed. A silhouette appears in the window, opens it, and slowly crawls in. The figure crashes to the ground, causing Bebe to sit up, alarmed. She turns on the lamp and finds Stan kneeling by the side of her bed, giving her a pleading look.]

STAN:  
[meekly] Bebe? What's Wendy's favorite drink? Please tell me...

BEBE:  
[sighs and holds out a hand] Twenty bucks.

STAN:  
[defeated] Dammit...

[Cut back to Wendy as she tosses the sandwich over her shoulder and grins seductively.]

WENDY:  
[sensually] Really?

[She begins to crawl over to Stan.]

WENDY:  
[sensually] And just what might those methods be...?

STAN:  
[slowly begins to crawl away backwards, bashfully] W-well, every guy has to have his secrets...

[His arms slip and he falls to his back. Wendy crawls up to him and hovers just above him.]

WENDY:  
[sensually] Well, Mr. Secretive... Do you have anything ELSE to say?

STAN:  
[meekly] Just one question...

WENDY:  
[sensually] Will I shower you with kisses? [pauses] Yes.

STAN:  
[bashfully] Well, th-that is a bonus, but I wanted to ask something else...

WENDY:  
[suddenly intrigued] Oh? Stanley Marsh... What are you plotting?

[Stan grins and brushes Wendy's hair with his hand.]

STAN:  
Ms. Testaburger, would you have this dance with me?

WENDY:  
But there's no music...

[Stan's grin becomes even larger as he reaches over to the boombox conveniently located within reach. Wendy's eyes widen as she gasps in excitement.]

WENDY:  
You- You tease! You had this all planned out!

STAN:  
[low] And you fell into my web, little butterfly.

[Soft non-descript music comes from the boombox. The two stand while holding hands.]

WENDY:  
Stan, is this...? You know I'm not a big fa-

[Stan puts a finger to her lips.]

STAN:  
[low] Shh... Just dance...

[Stan pulls Wendy out onto the ice where the two embrace and begin to dance slowly. Wendy smiles and lays her head on Stan's shoulder, who in turn leans his own against hers.]

WENDY:  
[low] Stan...

STAN:  
[low] Wendy...

[She tightens her embrace.]

WENDY:  
[low] It's beautiful...

STAN:  
[nuzzles her head] Just like you...

[Wendy's eyes widen slightly before she closes them tightly. Stan begins to brush the hair hanging down her back and sighs. The scene dissolves to a gallant ballroom, where Stan and Wendy, now dressed in a black tuxedo and white gown respectfully, are dancing in the middle of circle that their classmates have formed to watch them.]

STAN:  
[low] My little butterfly...

[Kyle and Eiko, seen amongst the crowd, hold hands and smile brightly when Stan and Wendy pass by them.]

STAN:  
[low] Fly to the skies with me...

[The two stop dancing and look at each other.]

WENDY:  
[low] Stan... Why do all this for me?

[Dissolve back to the pond as Stan reaches into his pocket and pulls out a violet. He holds it up for Wendy to see and gently nestles it behind her ear.]

STAN:  
[low] Because...I love you...

[Cut to a far view of the two as their silhouettes can be seen against the moon and the mountain range. Stan reaches for Wendy's hands and takes ahold of them.]

STAN:  
[low] Losing Kyle made me realize...

[Wendy's shadow leans in closer to Stan's.]

STAN:  
[crying] ...that I could lose you too... [sobbing] I don't want to lose you, Wendy. 

WENDY:  
[low] Stan...

STAN:  
[regains composure] You mean the world to me...

[The two shadows come together in a kiss, with only the moon and mother nature as witnesses. Dissolve back to the ballroom as Stan and Wendy break their kiss. They look at each other longingly for a few moments. When they go back to their slow dance, Kyle and Eiko embrace each other and join in the circle. A spotlight shines down on Stan and Wendy and follows them as they slowly move about. The other kids all look at each other and begin to pair off. The spotlight, the other kids, and the ballroom disappear, leaving only Stan and Wendy as they dance oblivious to their surroundings. After a moment, they fade out as well.]

[Fade back in to the pond. Stan and Wendy stop dancing. He reaches up to her ear and plucks the violet from her hair. After he fiddles with it for a moment, he lowers himself to one knee and touches Wendy's right hand. The camera cuts in closer to reveal that he had made the flower into a makeshift ring. She brings that hand to her face as she tries to cover her open mouth. Tears begin to fall from her eyes as Stan stands back up. They embrace and begin to dance again. The song ends, however despite the lack of music, the two continue to dance on the frozen pond. When Wendy lays her head on Stan's shoulder, the scene fades to black one final time.]

STAN:  
[voice over, crying] Wendy... Do you promise to love me...forever and ever...and across the universe?

[There is a pause as Wendy chokes back a sob.]

WENDY:  
[voice over, crying] Oh, Stan... I do... Until the end of time....

[End Violet Butterfly]


	18. Fixing a Hole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colorado Rain Arc, Part 4.
> 
> The second entry of Kyle's journal.

Journal Entry xx/21/xx:

What up? It's me, Kyle. These past 5 days have been very productive for me. Let me go into detail here.

Day 1 - Mom and Dad  
I started talking to my parents again. God, I had never seen them so freakin' eckstatic! I thought my mom was gonna have a heart attack or something. Heh, it was actually kinda funny. I spent pretty much the whole day with my mom, and then my dad when he got home from work. This was the day I got my new crutch! It kinda sucks, but it's better than crawling. My dad found it at a resale shop, of all places. To be honest, I'm glad I finally returned to reality. Before I went to bed, as I was saying good night to my parents, I looked hard at them and noticed something I had never seen on them before. Fatigue. They were so worried about me, that they had been losing sleep. They tried to hide it as I hugged them good night. But I saw it and felt horrible.

Day 2 - Stan  
I waited until I saw the bus go by the front windows before I hobbled out the door, with my crutch for support. I didn't even tell my mom that I was leaving. I didn't care. I was going to see my best friend, Stan. I laughed as I made my way down the steps in front of my house. I was outside. I was outside! It felt so great to no longer be a victim to my own troubled mind, to be able to see the world as it was and not some twisted vision of it. It was going to take me a long time to get to Stan's house and I was seriously winded when I got halfway there. As I caught my breath, I saw Stan come out of his house and walk towards me. He smiled and waved. He must've seen me struggling and come to make it easier for me. I started crying. I couldn't help it. My best friend hadn't forgotten about me. We didn't share a word of greeting, we just hugged. He hadn't forgotten about me. He had given me the one thing that I needed to sort though everything. Time.

Day 3 - New Hope  
A few days before hand, my mom made an appointment for me with another doctor. So, needless to say, I was pretty anksious to see what this guy said. Well, I was given a new hope when I got there. For my condition, surgery was usually the best option, but this guy said that there were altirnatives. I'm excited! In less then a month, I'll be able to walk normally again! I'm getting what's called an orthotic, but I'm not quite sure how it works. I couldn't really follow the doctor's big words. All I understood was shoe. So, it could be a real ugly pair of shoes I'll have to wear for the rest of my life. I don't mind. They could be bunny rabbit slippers for all I care. I just want to be able to walk again, pain free. Oh God! Listen to me! There's people who probably will never know the joy of walking in their entire lives, like Jimmy and Timmy, yet I want it back and badly. Does that make me an uncaring asshole?

Day 4 - Kenny  
Kenny showed up at my house, early in the morning, pulling something behind him, and asked if I wanted to join him in a day of fishing. I, of course wanted to, but there was no way I could walk all the way to Stark's Pond. He stepped aside to reveal a little red wagon containing 2 rods and reels. He was going to pull me there, in the wagon! I was tempted to not go, out of embarrasment, but my eagerness to get out of the house won me over. We were at the pond all day and caught nothing. I was at home, nestled in my bed, when I realized what Kenny had been trying to tell me with the wagon. Despite the fact that I was now crippled, I didn't have to struggle with it alone. That I had my friends to help me through it. Why hadn't I seen that before? God, I'm so blind.

Day 5 - Cartman  
It was cold and raining out yesterday and my foot was hurting more so than usual. [Does the weather effect things like that?] I felt depression setting in, but I tried to fight it the best I could with a game of Generic 8-bit Adventure. I couldn't really consentrate and kept screwing up. I was about to get up to turn off my Okama 65, when it was turned off for me...by a soaking wet Cartman. I was actualy a little surprised to see him, being since we really aren't the best of friends, but he was my friend just the same as the others. I couldn't help but stare at him. He gave a small smile and greeted me in a way I had never heard before. "Hey, Kyle." No, malice, no ridiculement. Just hey Kyle. He sat down beside me on the couch and I don't know how long we talked, but it was a long time, and the first actual conversation I'd ever had with him that didn't involve either one of us attempting to kill each other. After he had hugged me and said his good bye, it suddenly dawned on me, Cartman actually cared about me. My "enemy" was as worried about me as much as everyone else. I hobbled over to the window and watched him walk home. God was trying to tell me something. He was trying to tell me that friends always appear when needed. And Cartman had happened by when I needed a friend.

Today - Back to School  
Today, I decided to be bold and risked going to school. However, I didn't ride the bus as usual. There was no way I could've made it up those steps. So, after my mom dropped me off (late I might add), I wasted no time and, with my crutch, made my way to the classroom, where Mr. Garrison was droning on about how the band Molly Hatchet was named after a hooker who chopped up her clients with a butcher knife. (What that had to do with physikal science, I have no clue.) He stopped and looked at me in surprise, as did the entire class. Jesus, talk about uncomfortable. It didn't last long and everyone ran up to me and started asking me a million questions at the same time. Everyone was here, and everyone was happy to see me. But I'm sure they knew why I was giving an empty smile. She wasn't there, smiling at me with her beautiful eyes. She wasn't there to see the recovery I had made. I'm learning to fly, but I don't have my wings.

-Kyle


	19. Free Bird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colorado Rain Arc, Part 5.
> 
> The third entry of Kyle's journal.

Journal Entry xx/22/xx

I learned something out of all this. I screwed up bad. I'm never, ever gonna run from my problems again. Running away (wether it be escaping into one's own mind or that alkohall that Kenny's dad likes so much) doesn't solve anything, it only adds to the problem. If I had just accepted the fact that I had a problem instead of just wishing and pretending that I didn't have it, I wouldn't have lost my girlfriend, I wouldn't be trying to make up with my friends, and my grades wouldn't be six feet under. It's okay if something makes you sad, but if you go overboard like I did, then maybe you need to stop and reavaluate the situation. Is it really as bad as you think it is? More than likely, it isn't. My problem was only bad because I let it get that way. Kinda ironic that I realize that now, after all this. My reality didn't crash down around me, I let it fall. And I'm not gonna blame anyone for it save myself. Not God, not my parents. I'm not even gonna blame Eiko for leaving me. If she ever returns, I'll just welcome her back with open arms and admit that I messed up. To be honest, I'm glad that all this happened the way it did. I never would've realized all this stuff about life when I did. Otherwise, who knows how far down the depression would have taken me. Kinda like a Colorado rain, it all falls fast, hard, and furius and then, when it's over, you're glad it happened. You now aprrieaciate good weather for what it is and not take it for granted.

I heard a song on the radio this morning as I was getting ready for school. I forget the name of the song and the band that sang it, but it was really what caused me to think about all this. It's about this guy who doesn't want to change, so he reluctantly says good bye to his girl and tells her not to forget him. Towards the middle of the song, he says that he realizes that he's to blame for all the problems they suffered together (which is why he left to begin with). Then there's this freakin' 5 minute bad ass guitar solo. I don't even think I could play it if I tried. I think that the ending is supposed to mean that the guy is moving on with his life and not letting stupid crap get him down any more. I'm gonna follow his example. I'm gonna try my hardest to not ever let this happen again. I may miss Eiko...but I won't let that get me down. I'm not going there again. I'm gonna be happy I have what I have. If she comes back, kick ass! If not, oh well. That's life. I'll count my losses, learn from my mistakes, and move on. I'm learning to fly, and yes, I don't have my wings, but I'm gonna try to fly...high like a free bird...despite the Colorado rain.

-Kyle

[End Colorado Rain]


	20. Double Trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colorado Rain Arc, Extra 2.
> 
> Join the boys on another bizarre adventure as Stan suddenly finds himself involved with two lovely ladies...but what's wrong with Kenny?

[SCENE: Cartman's House  
As the camera lingers on the outside of the house, Cartman can be heard moaning as well as the sounds of a bed squeaking.]

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] Oh god... This is so hard by myself... I can't...

[The squeaking gets louder.]

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] Oh god! Oh god! Almost there! [ecstatically] Oh god! Yes! Yes!

[Cut to Cartman's room, where our pudgy little friend is jumping on his bed in an attempt to grab a slice of pizza that somehow got stuck to the ceiling.]

CARTMAN:  
[ecstatically] Almost got it!

[He finally manages to grab it and shoves it in his mouth as he falls back down to the bed. When he lands, however, he doesn't attempt to control the counter-motion and ends up flying off the bed and landing head first on the floor.]

CARTMAN:  
[upside down, pained] God dammit... Fuck you… gravity...

  
[SCENE: Wendy's Basement  
Wendy, dressed in a tattered Sailor Moon shirt and blue jeans, sits on the floor of a kennel and plays absent mindedly with a dog food bowl. She looks up when the sounds of a door opening and footsteps descending creaky stairs fill the room. Wendy stands and grips the bars of her prison.]

WENDY:  
[hopefully] Mommy? Is that you?

[The footsteps get louder.]

WENDY:  
D-daddy?

[Another Wendy, who is dressed normally, steps out of the shadows and walks up to the kennel with a set of keys in hand.]

WENDY:  
[bounces with excitement] Oh, Mandy! Are you gonna let me out?

[The second Wendy, from here on known as Mandy, grins happily as she sticks a key into the lock.]

MANDY:  
That's right, Wendy! Mom and Dad have decided that since "Mandy's" been a good girl, they'd let you out.

[Wendy bounces and squeals with excitement as the door is opened.]

WENDY:  
[ecstatic] Ohboyohboyohboyohboy! Now I can see Stan and we can play all day!

[When Wendy rushes out and hugs her sister, Mandy grimaces and pinches her nose shut.]

MANDY:  
Good god, girl! You need to bathe!

  
[SCENE: The Bus Stop  
Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are standing around with their backpacks. A few moments pass and Cartman blinks his eyes. A few more moments pass and Stan yawns while stretching.]

KENNY:  
(I'm bored...)

STAN:  
Yeah... Me too.

CARTMAN:  
Where's the Jew? If that crippled sonova Jesus hater ain't here soon, he's gonna miss the bus.

STAN:  
Uh, hello? You just answered your own question, Cartman.

CARTMAN:  
[confused] I did?

STAN:  
Durr, dude! Don't you remember? Kyle has to walk with a crutch until he gets those thingies for his feet.

[Cartman only looks at Stan, confused out of his mind.]

STAN:  
[sighs] Those thingies he told us about yesterday? Those indestructible plastic thingies?

CARTMAN:  
Not getting anything...

KENNY:  
(You called them foot condoms.)

CARTMAN:  
[bright eyed] Oh! Yeah! [snickers] Foot condoms...

[Kyle walks on scene with a crutch.]

KYLE:  
[raises the hand holding the crutch in greeting] Hey, gu-

[He cries out when he loses his balance and falls face first to the ground. He picks his head up and spits snow from his mouth.]

KYLE:  
Ew... Gross, dude!

STAN:  
[as he walks towards Kyle] You okay, dude?

CARTMAN:  
[low] Heh heh. The Jew fell in the snow!

KYLE:  
I think so...

[Stan helps Kyle to his feet.]

KYLE:  
[excited] Dude! You'll never guess who I got a phone call from last night!

CARTMAN:  
[rolls eyes] Oh, god... I think I know where this is going...

[Cut to Cartman's imagination, where Kyle, sitting on his couch, picks up the ringing phone.]

KYLE:  
Hello?

FEMALE VOICE:  
[on the phone] Konnichiha! Is this Kyle Broflovski?

KYLE:  
[surprised] Eiko?! [excited] Eiko, is that you?!

FEMALE VOICE:  
[on the phone] Um, no... Kyle-san, have you recently heard about MCI's one rate plan?

KYLE:  
If you're not Eiko then why should I care?

[Return to Cartman as he shakes his fists in anger.]

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] I hate telemarketers! I fuckin' HATE them SO MUCH!

[The other boys share looks of confusion.]

KYLE:  
'Kay... [excited] Dude! Eiko called me last night! [stares off into the distance] It was the first time I'd talked to her in nearly a month...

STAN:  
That's cool, dude!

CARTMAN:  
[scoffs] Peh. I hope that rice pickin', slant eyed bitch stays in her wooden shack where she belongs.

KYLE:  
[excited] You wish, tubby! She's coming back next week!

CARTMAN:  
[blinks] She what? The...chink's...coming back?

KYLE:  
[excited] Hell, yeah! If I weren't crippled right now I'd do a happy dance!

CARTMAN:  
[muttering] God dammit... I hate that bitch...

KENNY:  
(Sweet! Now I'll have more eye candy around here than just Wendy and Bebe!)

STAN:  
Yeah! Looks like everything's gonna be okay after all!

[A mini storm cloud suddenly appears over Kenny's head and pours rain on him.]

KENNY:  
[looks up] (The fuck?)

STAN:  
Maybe not...

KYLE:  
What the hell is that?

[Kenny sidesteps out from under the miniature rain cloud, but it simply follows him.]

KENNY:  
[annoyed] (This's fuckin' stupid...)

[Cartman pulls a metal pipe from his backpack and swipes at the little cloud.]

CARTMAN:  
Bad cloud! Bad!

[There is a bright flash and sharp booming thunder. When the light subsides, Cartman is now blackened and parts of his clothes are either gone or on fire. He coughs and smoke rolls out of his mouth.]

CARTMAN:  
[pained] Sonova bitch...

KYLE:  
You okay, Cartman?

CARTMAN:  
[pained] You guys... Seriously... I think my feet have melted to my shoes... [coughs]

  
[SCENE: Outside Wendy's House  
Wendy, now wearing a silver T-shirt bearing the phrase "Tenchi Muyo!" and nicer looking blue jeans, and Mandy exit the house with backpacks over their shoulders.]

WENDY:  
[excited] I'm gonna see Stan today! [squeals] Hooray!

MANDY:  
Wendy, there's something I think that you should know... Stan...is taken.

WENDY:  
[confused] Taken? You mean he doesn't live here anymore, Mandy?

MANDY:  
No... What I mean is that he's MY boyfriend.

WENDY:  
[downcast] Ohh... [shirks away] You won't hurt me if I'm his friend, will you?

MANDY:  
Of course not, Wendy! I'm not like I was all those years ago.

[Flashback to four year old beret-less Wendy as she happily skips towards Stan and the other boys on the playground. A beret toting Mandy leaps out of a nearby bush and smashes a lawn chair over Wendy's head. After she takes her sister's place in skipping happily up to Stan, return to the present day.]

WENDY:  
Really? [bounces up and down in excitement] Ohboyohboyohboyohboy! Me 'n Stan can play house and play with legos and- [squeals as she points off screen] MandyMandyMandy! What's that?

MANDY:  
[annoyed] That's the bus, Wendy...

[After the bus pulls up and obstructs the girls from view, cut to the bus stop where the four boys are waiting. Kenny looks up at the storm pelting him with rain and sighs. Immediately afterwards, Cartman blinks. After a moment, Stan stretches and yawns. A few more moments pass and Kyle scratches his head.]

KYLE:  
Wow. Not much happening so far today, is there?

STAN:  
At least we're not being attacked by zombies or something...

CARTMAN:  
[hushed] Shut yer god damn mouth, asshole! Remember the last time you said that?

[Flashback to the four boys standing at the bus stop. Kenny sighs, Cartman blinks, Stan stretches and yawns, and then Kyle scratches his head.]

KYLE:  
Wow. Not much happening so far today, is there?

STAN:  
At least we're not being attacked by zombies or something...

[A large tour bus, bearing the name "Rob Zombie", pulls up in front of the boys. Rob Zombie sticks his head out of a window.]

ROB ZOMBIE:  
Hey, you kids want free tickets to my upcoming concert in Denver?

[The four boys get into a huddle and quietly discuss it.]

STAN:  
[as the huddle breaks] No, thanks. Actually, we think that your music, well, kinda sucks.

KYLE:  
[frightened] Dude! You weren't supposed to say that!

ROB ZOMBIE:  
My music sucks, huh?

[When he comes running out of the bus wielding a knife, the boys run away screaming. Return to the present day bus stop.]

STAN:  
Man, I wish the bus would hurry the hell up...

[Kenny sighs, pulls an umbrella out of thin air, and opens it.]

CARTMAN:  
Why? So you can see your stupid hippie girlfriend?

STAN:  
Well, school seems to go by much faster with her around...

[When the rain pelts the open umbrella and falls harmlessly around Kenny, he wipes his brow and sighs with relief.]

CARTMAN:  
[disinterested] Yeah, uh, okay, Stan.

STAN:  
No, dude, really!

[Kenny looks up angrily when the rain stops falling from the cloud and starts falling from the inside of the umbrella.]

KENNY:  
[annoyed] (Fuck me running.)

CARTMAN:  
Teh heh. Wuss.

KYLE:  
Oh, listen to you, Mr. I Think I'll Go School Ten Minutes Early To See Bebe.

[As Kenny closes the umbrella and tosses it aside, the rain starts falling from the cloud again.]

CARTMAN:  
What? I needed some inspiration to help me play with my fireman!

[As the other three boys stare at Cartman, he pulls out a plastic firefighter doll.]

CARTMAN:  
See? It's Fire Marshall Bill! Isn't he kewl?

KENNY:  
[annoyed] (Don't you guys care that I'm getting soaked here?)

[Just as the bus pulls up, Stan gets a faraway look in his eyes.]

STAN:  
My Wendy senses are tingling.

KYLE:  
[as he hobbles up to the bus] Your what?

STAN:  
[as he follows Kyle] Wendy senses. They're kinda like spidey senses...

[Cut to a Spider-man like costumed Stan as he hangs upside down from a tree branch in the rain. Wendy, who is standing nearby, takes off her coat and flings it to the side, all the while smiling seductively.]

WENDY:  
[sensually] You saved my life, Arachnid-boy... Now... Let me do something...for you...

[She reaches up to pull down his mask. As Stan nervously raises a hand to caress her face, a blast of webbing hits her in the mouth.]

WENDY:  
[disgusted] Ewww!

STAN:  
Sorry...

[Return back to reality as the boys file on the bus.]

CARTMAN:  
And just what are your stupid hippie senses tellin' you? Hmm? That you're gay?

STAN:  
Can it, fat a-

[The four boys' eyes get wide.]

CARTMAN:  
[puzzled] What the hell?

KYLE:  
[shocked] Double trouble...

STAN:  
[utterly shocked] W-Wendy?

  
[SCENE: South Park Elementary  
As a few late comers run into the school, the camera focuses on a sign near the door which reads, "For a good time call L. Cartman. 345-6789." Another sign below the first reads, "For information about advertising on school property contact Mr. Mackey in the school office." Cut to the fourth grade classroom as all the kids, except Kenny, stare slack-jawed at Wendy and Mandy, who fidget uncomfortably in their seats. After Kenny sadly looks up at his rain cloud companion, Mr. Garrison, with Mr. Hat, walks into the room.]

MR. GARRISON:  
Okay, children, before I get started on today's lesson about how Connie Chung is actually a man, there's a few things Mr. Hat and I need to discuss with you.

[The class groans.]

CARTMAN:  
[low] Sonova bitch!

MR. GARRISON:  
Yes, yes, I know. Just try to deal with it. First off, Mr. Slave won't be here with us today...

[The class groans even louder.]

MR. GARRISON:  
[as Mr. Hat] That's what he gets when he tries to shove a Buick up his ass! [normal] Mr. Hat, control yourself! Secondly, I'm sure you all noticed, but we have a new student joining the roster today.

[The class groans even louder than the previous two times.]

MR. GARRISON:  
[as Mr. Hat] God dammit! It seems like every time I set foot in this classroom, I have to introduce some new snot faced bastard! [normal] Mr. Hat, I said control yourself! Now, I'd like to explain the situation to you, but it's just confused me out of my fragile little mind. Wendy? Mandy? Would you to come up and set us straight here?

[When the two girls reach the front of the room, Mr. Garrison takes a seat behind his desk.]

WENDY:  
[bounces in excitement] Hi, everyone!

[When Mandy gives her sister an annoyed look, Clyde raises his hand.]

CLYDE:  
Why's there two of you?

WENDY:  
[looks around confused] There's two of me?

MANDY:  
We're identical twin sisters, Clyde.

WENDY:  
[hugs Mandy in fear] I can't find the other me, Mandy! [shrieks] What if she tries to kill me?!

MANDY:  
[pulls out a sucker and gives it to Wendy] Here. Suck on this for a while.

[Wendy takes the candy with glee, shoves it in her mouth, and sits down on the floor with a look of ecstasy.]

MANDY:  
[sighs] I'm not really sure where to begin...

CARTMAN:  
Well, you better find a place, hippie! My FRIGGIN' brain's about to explode hyah!

KYLE:  
[low] Calm down, tubby...

MANDY:  
Well, I don't think any of you remember-

[Cut to a strange colored pencil drawn image of little Wendy, sans beret, and little Mandy, with a beret.]

MANDY:  
[voice over] -but a long time ago, there was Mandy and her twin sister Wendy.

KYLE:  
[voice over] Uh... No. Doesn't ring a bell.

[When little Stan appears in the image, little Wendy and Mandy begin to dance with extreme jerky movements as hearts float above their heads. Little Stan looks to the camera, waves, and then jerkily makes his way to the girls.]

MANDY:  
[voice over] Wendy loved Stan and her sister, but Mandy was upset that the boy of her dreams was in love with a girl that was her, yet at the same time not her.

CARTMAN:  
[voice over] I am so confused hyah.

MR. GARRISON:  
[voice over] Doesn't take much, does it, tubby?

CARTMAN:  
[voice over] Ay!

[Stan runs away in a panic when Mandy pulls out a wooden mallet and bashes Wendy on the head, flattening her like a pancake.]

MANDY:  
[voice over] Mandy was so upset, that she beat up her sister everyday...and scared Stan away.

CARTMAN:  
[voice over] Ooohhh... Domestic violence!

STAN:  
[voice over] Shh! Fat ass!

[After a light bulb turns on over Mandy's head and she reaches up to turn it off, she evilly rubs her hands together and chuckles. Beside her, the flattened Wendy gurgles in pain and twitches.]

MANDY:  
[voice over] So, Mandy thought up a plan... A plan so dastardly evil and heinous that she still can't believe she thought of it.

CARTMAN:  
[voice over] Ohhh! An evil plot twist!

CLASS:  
[voice over] Shut up, fat ass!

[After the strange image of the girls disappears, cut to Wendy, alone and crying on the floor of a dog kennel. The door slams shut and locks. The camera pivots around to show Mandy smirking and the girls' parents yelling at Wendy.]

MANDY:  
[voice over] Mandy, pretending to be Wendy, told a little lie and had her obstruction from Stan removed...

[The scene switches back to the classroom, where all the kids are still looking confused.]

KYLE:  
[slowly] Okay... I think I get it...

CARTMAN:  
[utterly confused] I don't... Somebody explain this to me in a non hippie-esque way that I can understand.

MR. GARRISON:  
Yes, Kyle. If you know something that the rest of the class doesn't, feel free to share it with us.

KYLE:  
Dude, it's quite simple really. [points to Mandy] The girl that we've been calling Wendy all these years, is not Wendy. [points to Wendy] She is.

[When the camera focuses on Wendy, it is revealed that she some how got the sucker stuck to her forehead. She tugs on it, but it is stuck on good.]

CARTMAN:  
[still confused] So, wait... [points to Mandy] This hippie...ain't Wendy?

KYLE:  
Right.

CARTMAN:  
[still confused, points to Wendy] But this hippie is?

KYLE:  
Right.

[When the camera focuses on Wendy yet again, she tugs extra hard and the sucker comes free, sending her to her back and conking her head on the floor with a loud a thud.]

WENDY:  
[giggles] I wuv suckers!

[When the look of confusion becomes broader on Cartman's face, Mandy brings a hand to her face and slowly shakes head.]

MR. GARRISON:  
[sighs] This is just what we need around here, Mr. Hat... Another air-headed dumbass...

  
[SCENE: Playground  
The camera lingers on the school doors for a moment before the four boys and Kenny's rain cloud companion come out, with Cartman hauling Kyle around in little red wagon. As the boys continue to walk, the camera follows them.]

CARTMAN:  
Okay, now can one of you guys remind me why I'm the one haulin' the crippled Jew's ass all over the god damn place?

KYLE:  
'Cause, fat ass! [pulls a whip out of thin air] Out of all of us, you're the only one that resembles an ox!

CARTMAN:  
Ay!

KYLE:  
[cracks the whip] Now keep pulling, you beast of burden, or no bag of oats for you!

CARTMAN:  
Yes, massa! Anyt'ing you say, massa!

[When the boys reach the jungle gym, they come to a halt.]

KYLE:  
Well, now what?

STAN:  
[shrugs] I dunno. We could just stand around like we always do...

[Kenny looks up at the cloud that is raining on him and sighs.]

STAN:  
Wow... That sucks, Kenny.

KENNY:  
(It won't leave me alone!)

[Wendy and Mandy walk up in perfect unison.]

WENDY/MANDY:  
[in perfect unison] Hi, Stan!

STAN:  
[confused] Uh...hi...girls.

CARTMAN:  
What the hell do you two hippies want?

[Wendy pouts while Mandy glares at Cartman. Kenny pulls out a rope and throws it over the top bar of the jungle gym.]

WENDY/MANDY:  
[in perfect unison] Let's go for a walk, Stan!

[The two girls each take one of Stan's hands and lead him off. He looks back to the others with a look of fright. Kenny ties one end of the rope into a noose.]

KENNY:  
(I need to be free from this...)

KYLE:  
[waving] Have fun, dude!

CARTMAN:  
[rolls his eyes] Ugh. This day has just been so fucked up... We've got the Hippie Twins over there and poor boy here. [gestures to Kenny]

[Kenny puts his head into the noose and begins to pull himself upwards, consequentially choking himself. The rain cloud follows him upwards, the whole time staying above his head.]

KYLE:  
I know... Dude, this pretty fucked up right here.

[When Kyle slaps his hands over his mouth in surprise, Kenny ties the loose end of the rope to a different bar of the jungle gym.]

CARTMAN:  
What?

KYLE:  
Dude! That was Stan's line!

CARTMAN:  
They're just words. Who the hell cares?

[As Kenny's face turns blue, his eyes begin to droop closed.]

KYLE:  
Dude, I'm sure you'd be pissed off if I went around saying, [imitates Cartman] "Ay! Respect my god damned authoritah!"

CARTMAN:  
Damn right! Tha's my catch phrase, god dammit!

[When the boys look up to find the source of some gurgling noises, they find Kenny weakly waving at them.]

CARTMAN:  
[shocked] Oh my god! Suicide's killin' Kenny!

KYLE:  
[shocked] You bastards!

CARTMAN:  
[low] An' he better friggin' succeed, too.

[The rope suddenly snaps and Kenny falls to the ground with a resounding thud.]

CARTMAN/KENNY:  
God dammit!

[When the rain cloud floats down to hover right above Kenny's face, he pounds his head on the ground in frustration.]

CARTMAN:  
God dammit, Kenny! If you're gonna kill yourself, do it like a man!

[Elsewhere, Wendy and Mandy have dragged Stan to a secluded part of the playground. When they stop walking, the girls turn to regard Stan. Wendy giggles, while Mandy smiles seductively.]

WENDY/MANDY:  
[in perfect unison, seductively] Are you ready for some fun, Staaan?

STAN:  
[eyes wide] Whoa, whoa. Hold on a second here. Dude, I just find out that you've lied about who you are and the that you have an identical twin sister. [aside, low] Who also seems to have a crush on me... Who didn't see THAT coming a mile away? [to the girls] Look, I just need some time to sort this stuff out.

[And so the three stand there for a long period of time, tapping their toes, wiping dust from their sleeves, ect. A violet butterfly flutters into the scene, circles around Stan, and lands on Wendy's nose. She giggles and looks cross-eyed at it.]

WENDY: [excited] Hi, Mr. Butterfly! [giggles]

[The butterfly flutters off, causing Wendy's expression to drop.]

WENDY:  
[downcast] Awww... Come back, Mr. Butterfly!

MANDY:  
So, have you had enough time yet, Stan?

STAN: [pauses for a beat] Yeah, I think I handle it now.  
WENDY: [excited] Hoo-ray!  
MANDY: [smirks seductively] Hello, daddy!

[The two tackle Stan off screen.]

STAN:  
[off screen, frantic] Hey, what are you doing?!

MANDY:  
[off screen] You take his left cheek, I'll take his right!

WENDY:  
[off screen, giggles] Yay! Kisses!

STAN:  
[off screen, frantic] Wa- No, wait! God dammit! I said wait!

[When the scene returns back to Cartman, we find that he is standing in front of a diagram titled "How To Kill Yourself Like A Man", complete with a picture of Jack Kevorkian. He points to the diagram with the use of a funky cross between a glove and a pointer.]

CARTMAN:  
Okay, Kenny. If you wanna kill yourself like a man, this is what to avoid: ropes and nooses, razor blades, pencils, and Jack Kevorkian.

KENNY:  
[looks pleadingly up to the rain cloud above his head] (God... Please, strike me down now... I can't stand much more of this water...)

CARTMAN:  
[whacks Kenny on the head with his glove/pointer] No. No. No! Askin' God to kill you is a pussy way outta things!

KYLE:  
[eating popcorn out of a bucket] Then what is the manliest way to kill yourself, Cartman?

CARTMAN:  
Plain and simple, my dear Jew. Baked beans.

[Kenny sits down in the puddle of water that has formed at his feet and shakes his head in sadness.]

KYLE:  
[now eating marshmallows out of a bag] Baked beans?

CARTMAN:  
That's right, Kyle. Our good friend Maddox tells us that if we wanna kill ourselves like a man, we need to eat baked beans until we explode in a mess of blood, guts, and...baked beans!

[Kenny rolls his eyes.]

KYLE:  
[now eating round chocolate candies] Wow! I'm gonna have to remember that the next time I'm feeling extremely depressed!

CARTMAN:  
[raises an eyebrow] What the hell are you eating?

KYLE:  
[eats another one] Chocolate covered frogs.

CARTMAN:  
[excited] Aw, dude! I love chocolate covered frogs!

KYLE:  
[licks his fingers] Me too! Especially the hallucinogenic ones!

[Stan walks up to the group with very pregnant looking Mandy and Wendy on either side tightly hugging an arm each.]

STAN:  
Hey, guys.

KYLE:  
[pulls out a big hunk of raw meat] Hey, Stan. [looks at the meat] Mmm! Me hungry!

CARTMAN:  
[now wearing a false nose/glasses combo] Hey, Stan! What's with your bitches?

[Kenny sighs and slumps forward.]

STAN:  
[shrugs] I dunno. I think I got them pregnant or something.

WENDY:  
[bounces in excitement] Yay!

KYLE:  
[bites off a chunk of his raw meat, grunts] Meat good!

CARTMAN:  
[now wearing Yoda ears, sighs] I wish someone would get me pregnant...

[A look of desperation covers Kenny's face.]

WENDY:  
[giggles] I will!

CARTMAN: Really? Hoo-ray!

[Kenny reaches behind his back-]

MANDY:  
[rubs her bulging belly] Stan... I don't think I'm ready for a child... [excited] Let's get an abortion!

STAN:  
[smirks] I would so love that, Mandy.

[-and produces a pistol.]

KYLE:  
[pulls handfuls of confetti from nowhere and throws it into the air] Abortions for everyone!

STAN/WENDY/MANDY/CARTMAN/KYLE:  
[shouting gleefully] Hooray!

KENNY:  
[pointing the pistol to his head] (I can't take this anymore.)

[Cut to a close up of Kenny's frightened eyes as he looks to his left. His hair, soaking wet from the endless downpour, sticks out from underneath his hood.]

STAN:  
[off screen] Hey, Kenny? Could you reach up inside Mandy and just yank the kid out?

[Kenny's eyes widen and a single tear falls.]

KENNY:  
[softly] (No... I can't do that...)

[When a gunshot is heard, cut to Stan, sitting up in his bed and screaming. He brings a hand to his chest as he nervously looks around.]

STAN:  
[panting] Oh god...oh god...oh god... [wipes his brow] What a dream! [looks down at his covers in surprise] What the- [raises the covers] Well, hello there...little guy. [pulls the cover over his head] Did you like seeing two Wendys, too? [pause] Gah! That sonova bitch spit in my eye!

[Stan throws the covers off of him and wipes something off an eye.]

STAN:  
[pissed] Nobody spits on Stan Marsh and gets away with it!

[He pulls a chainsaw from nowhere and revs it.]

STAN:  
[pissed] Eat chainsaw, bitch!

[A rain cloud suddenly appears over Stan and begins to rain on him.]

STAN:  
Wait... If this is happening...then I must still be-

[Cut to Kenny as he jerks himself into a sitting position on his bed.]

KENNY:  
-dreaming!

[As he breathes deeply and water drips from his hair, a raging storm can be seen outside the window. Water, dripping quickly from the ceiling, falls to Kenny's pillow, right where his head had been.]

KENNY:  
[shakes the moisture from his head] Wow... What a dream! Two Wendys! [growls lustfully] I wouldn't mind getting some of tha-

[The ceiling suddenly collapses in a raging torrent of water, wood, insulation, and drywall. Kenny, now pissed off, gingerly picks up a large piece of soaking wet insulation that landed on his head.]

KENNY:  
[pissed] That's it... I'm out...

[He throws the object across the room and hops off his bed into the waist deep water.]

KENNY:  
[muttering] Fuck this shit...

[He wades into the hallway.]

KENNY:  
[shouting] I'm sleeping over at Stan's! Screw this place!

STUART:  
[off screen, disinterested] Yeah, okay, Kenny. [yawns]

KENNY:  
[shouting] You don't even care!

[Kenny quickly wades off. After a few moments, the sound of a door opening is heard and when the water level quickly lowers, Kenny is heard screaming and falling to the ground.]

KENNY:  
[off screen, shouting] Fuck! I scraped my knee!

[A door slams shut and parts of the house crumble even more.]

STUART:  
[off screen] Could you pick up some beer on your way back?

[Kenny screams in frustration.]

[End Double Trouble]

[Cut to a stage as Stan and Kyle come out from behind the drawn curtain in their pajamas. They both wave to the camera.]

KYLE:  
Hello!

STAN:  
Hi, everyone. You may have noticed that this story today was...a little bizarre...

KYLE:  
Yeah...and, um, we happened to mention abortion...

STAN:  
[nods] Kyle and I were a little concerned about what reactions would be to that, so... [pauses hesitantly] Uh, Kyle?

KYLE:  
[surprised] Oh! About all of us wanting abortions... That's not possible.

STAN:  
Right. We're nine years old for Pete's sake!

KYLE:  
And we're all guys!

STAN:  
[pauses] Dude, Wendy's not a guy...

KYLE:  
Oh... [confused] Wait. What's an abortion anyway?

STAN:  
[thinks for a moment] I don't know... [blinks in confusion] Eh. Whatever. Let's go play in a sandbox or something.

KYLE:  
Kick ass!

[The two walk off stage right.]

KYLE:  
[off screen] We can bury Cartman up to his fat head!

STAN:  
[off screen, snickers] And then we can pee on him!

[The two laugh as the scene fades to black.]


	21. Blue Skies after a Rainy Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colorado Rain Arc, Part 6.
> 
> After receiving the footwear so desperately needed to walk again, Kyle receives a phone call...

I walked into my house, a smile on my face and a bounce in my step. I was so freakin’ excited! I had just gotten back from the doctor because my orthotics had come in. Holy crap! You will not believe how awesome it was to be able to walk, still not pain free though, after such a long time. To be able to put weight on my right foot and not fall to the floor flat on my face! I still giggle stupidly at the thought. I looked around the room to find someone other than my mother, who was with me, to share this great news with. My dad was sitting on the couch watching something on the TV. He looked at me and smiled that bright smile of his. “Hey, Kyle,” he said. “How’d the doctor go?”

I eagerly climbed up on the couch next to him. “Holy crap, dude!” I exclaimed quite loudly, “It was so awesome! The doctor guy gave me those orthotic things mom was telling you about! Here, look!” I gingerly pulled off my boot and removed the plastic heel cup. To think that a piece of hard plastic could stop a person’s foot from hurting. It didn’t really look all that special. It was a cup, shaped like my heel and the bottom of my foot, that fit snuggly in my shoe and was supposed to help support my ankle. It was a kind of ugly flesh color, though…but who’d see it anyway? So I guess that didn’t really matter. I told my dad all that and handed it to him so he could look at it closer. He turned it over a few times as he studied it.

“So, do you feel better now because of this little thing?” he asked me. I eagerly nodded my head. Hell, yeah, I did! I was so eager, I wanted to walk over to Stan’s house to play with him and Kenny, who had been staying at Stan’s since his own house collapsed from a vicious downpour. If we got the fat ass to show up, we could play “Americans versus Bosnians”. I took the foot cup thingie from my dad and put it back into my boot. As I tied my shoelaces, I looked up at the TV to see what my dad was watching. Britney Spears? In a reality show? Oh my god… Now there’s the epitome of everything that is stupid. The last thing we need is ANOTHER whore flashing her dumpy ass all over TV. I didn’t know why my dad was watching this show, and certainly didn’t want to find out. As I left the living room to head into the kitchen, I muttered under my breath, “Britney Spears sucks balls…” I stopped in my tracks when I heard a mumbled reply. Had he said that she could suck his?

I shrugged off that thought and pushed a chair from the kitchen table to the counter. As I climbed up to grab a glass from the cupboard, my mom wandered into the room and nearly freaked. “Kyle!” she shouted, “What the hell are you doing?” I grabbed a glass, a plastic one mind you, hopped off the chair, and landed on my good foot.

I looked up at her and tried to give her my most sweetest smile. “I’m thirsty, ma!” I said as cutely as I could muster. “You weren’t around, and Dad’s too busy watching a dumpy whore shake her ass around on TV, so I had to improvise a little.” I could see the gears turning in her head as she contemplated on whether she should yell at me for saying the words “whore” and “ass”. I breathed a sigh of relief when the phone rang. Saved by a digital ring. Score one for me! She turned to grab the phone off the wall and ignored me. I opened the fridge and poured myself some milk. Yummy and tasty liquid calcium. I took a drink and then looked into a nearby mirror. I had a milk mustache. I laughed and then chimed, “Got milk?” God, I saw one of those old commercials on the all commercial channel on our satellite. After I saw it, I just wanted to bash my head in with a tire iron. It made absolutely no sense. The kids are playing basketball and then suddenly they’re drinking milk. What the hell? If they’re gonna do a commercial then they should’ve had, like, a cow get hit by a bus or something. Then we’d have milk! …And then some… Poor cow…

“Kyle?” I looked up at the sound of my mom’s voice. “Someone wants to talk to you.” I wiped the milk mustache to my sleeve and set the glass down so I could talk on the phone. When the receiver was up to my ear, I uttered a hello. It was probably Cousin Kyle wanting something, or, God forbid, Aunt Marsha wanting to tell me some stupid ass story about how her stupid ass ferret is really smart, when in reality it’s the dumbest creature to walk the face of the Earth.

“Kuh-Kairu-kun?” I nearly peed my pants when I heard that nervous voice. That sweet melodic voice that I’d been hearing in my dreams for Lord knows how long. It was the voice that belonged to the girl who left me, because of my own inability to handle a stressful situation. I couldn’t believe it. She still cared about me… No, that couldn’t be it. I screwed up. She left because of me and my problems. She even forgot the doll I made for her. She was probably calling to tell me to drop dead or something. Yeah, that had to be it. I heard her say my Japanese name yet again, although this time a little more urgently.

“I-I’m sorry,” I stuttered, “I’m just a little shocked to hear your voice again…” Which was dead on the truth. I was not expecting this. Not at all. I was suddenly fearing the conversation I was about to have. Would we make amends, or would it turn into a one sided shout fest? I was hoping for the former. Her sweet voice once again said my Japanese name and giggled very girlishly. I sighed and leaned against the wall. My legs were becoming weak again. It looks like my initial fears could be put to rest.

“Kyle.” There was something layered in her voice as she spoke that I couldn’t figure out. Longing, perhaps? Excitement? A mixture of the two? “I have missed you, oh, so much…” There was so much that I wanted to say; how I missed her too, how I was getting better both physically and mentally, how I wanted to pull my hair out every time I dreamt about her… And in the end, I could say nothing. Nothing. She continued, “Kyle… I am returning to America.” This absolutely floored me. Seriously. My legs completely gave away and I found myself sitting on the floor, back against the wall.

I found myself stuttering yet again into the phone. “Wha-- Yuh-you’re coming back?!” I was quickly back on my feet and twirling the phone cord on a finger. “Oh my God! When? When are you coming back?!” Before she could answer, I heard an older man’s voice saying something in Japanese. It sounded more like gibberish to me.

“Oyamaa…” she sighed, “I have to go. Ojiisan is fussing about the phone bill.”

“Ojiisan?”

“I will explain when I return next week.” Next week?! As I danced a happy dance, I saw my parents watching me. I didn’t care. For once, I didn’t care what they thought. I was happy. My health was returning to normal, my girlfriend was coming back; everything was getting back on track. “Kyle-kun, I must go now. Please be safe until I can see you.” As we said our good byes, I almost broke into tears of happiness. I will be safe, Eiko. Just for you. I hung up the phone and slid down the wall to a sitting position, all the while letting my tears of happiness out of their confinement.

After the conversation with Eiko, I realized something. It is true what they say. Blue skies do come after a rainy day.


	22. The Reenactment of the Bombing of Hiroshima

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eiko returns to South Park and all is well now with Kyle. Cartman, on the other hand, is pissed about her return and schemes to rid South Park of her once and for all.

SCENE: Denver Airport Terminal  
[Kyle is pacing back and forth worriedly as his parents sit, watching him.]

KYLE:  
[muttering] Boy, this plane sure is trying to make me mad...

GERALD:  
Kyle, you need to calm down. Being impatient won't bring Eiko here any faster.

SHEILA:  
That's right, bubby. And you need to remember what the doctor told you. No being on your feet for long--

KYLE:  
[rolls his eyes, finishing for her] --periods of time until the tend-i-nit-us goes away. I know, mom, but...I can't sit still!

[When he begins jumping up and down with excitement, Gerald and Sheila give each other a look.]

KYLE:  
My heart is racing! My blood is pumping! I can't sit still! My muscles need movement to ease this distress! All because of a cute girl in a Japanese dress! [pauses] Wow... That sounded almost like a really bad poem.

GERALD:  
[laughing] All right, Kyle. Have it your way.

INTERCOM:  
Flight number two-one-one-four, Denver bound from Tokyo, has now arrived.

KYLE:  
[running off screen] That's her flight! Keru ketsu!

SHEILA:  
What did he just say?

[After Gerald merely shrugs in response, cut to a different area of the airport, where we find Kyle facing away from the camera, anxiously awaiting Eiko to enter the airport.]

KYLE:  
[fidgeting] Come on! Come on!

[A shadow falls on his back.]

FAMILIAR VOICE:  
[off screen] K-konnichiha? Kyle Broflovski-kun?

KYLE:  
[slyly] Possibly.

[When Kyle turns around, the camera changes to a profile shot to reveal Eiko with an open book.]

EIKO:  
[reading] I need a ladybug to clog the canister of snowballs in my hat.

KYLE:  
[brings a hand to his head] Oh, god. I thought you got rid of that stupid thing.

[Eiko giggles and tosses the book over her shoulder. She runs up to Kyle and envelopes him in a hug.]

EIKO:  
[softly] I'm sorry...

KYLE:  
[softly] Don't be. What matters...is that you're back.

EIKO:  
[softly] But I dishonored you by leaving...

KYLE:  
[softly] You did no such thing. If you hadn't've left, I wouldn't be standing here with you...

[She steps back and gives Kyle a big anime smile, eyes closed and a wide grin.]

EIKO:  
You are so sweet, Kairu-kun!

[Kyle pulls out the plushie of himself that he had made for her and places it in her hands.]

KYLE:  
[softly] You forgot to take this with you when you left...

[She hugs the doll tightly, then gasps in surprise.]

EIKO:  
Oh! I have something for you!

[She pulls out a plushie of herself, complete with miniature swords, and gives it to Kyle.]

EIKO:  
[softly] I made this for you, Kyle-kun... When I return home for good...you'll have something...to remember me by.

KYLE:  
[softly] I'll make sure to cherish it.

[Eiko blushes and looks away in embarrassment.]

KYLE:  
May I carry your bags, miss?

EIKO:  
[softly] Hai.

[Cut to the airport parking lot where Eiko, Sheila, and Gerald are walking towards their car.]

EIKO:  
[excitedly] And then I had to fight Oni Kairu in a swamp!

SHEILA:  
Oni Kairu?

EIKO:  
[excitedly] A demon Kyle, Obasan!

SHEILA:  
Oh, I see.

[They walk off screen.]

EIKO:  
[off screen, excitedly] And he looked like Linkku-san! Kawairashii!

GERALD:  
[off screen] Well, it sounds like you had quite an adventure!

EIKO:  
[off screen, excitedly] Hai, Gerald-san!

[After a moment, Kyle slowly comes into the shot, dragging a small, but heavy suitcase behind him.]

KYLE:  
[calling out] Hey! Wait for me! [muttering] Jesus Christ... How the hell did she carry this thing by herself?

[A car engine turns over and revs up.]

KYLE:  
[panicking] God dammit! I said wait for me!

  
[SCENE: Cartman's House  
During the establishing shot, Cartman walks up to his bedroom window and looks out. Cut to his room, where Stan and Kenny are standing near the room entrance.]

CARTMAN:  
[with his back to the others, strangely calm] So... It's happened...

STAN:  
It's true, dude. Kenny saw it with his own eyes.

KENNY:  
[nods] (Yeah! Although, I wish she'd been naked at the time...)

[Cartman turns around and calmly regards the other two.]

CARTMAN:  
Gentlemen, you both know that I was excited, no, ecstatic when that bitch left. But her return I will not accept! And I will not rest until that bitch is back in the rice fields where she belongs!

STAN:  
Dude, just what do you have against Eiko?

CARTMAN:  
What?! Are you blind, asshole?

STAN:  
[looks at Kenny and shrugs] I haven't found anything wrong with her yet.

CARTMAN:  
[calmly] First of all... [shouting] She's ugly!

KENNY:  
[confused] (Ugly?)

CARTMAN:  
[shakes his fists in anger] God dammit! I hate ugly people!

KENNY:  
(I think you're confusing her for yourself...)

CARTMAN:  
And her clothes! That bitch does not have fashion sense!

KENNY:  
[to Stan] (Like he does...)

STAN:  
[to Kenny] He's just jealous...

CARTMAN:  
[shouting] She's a god damned air head! And ta top it off, she's a fuckin' Chink-whore!

STAN:  
Dude, you're jealous, aren't you?

CARTMAN:  
Jealous? Why the fuck am I jealous of that ugly rice picker?!

KENNY:  
(Well, she did take Kyle away from you.)

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] What?

STAN:  
Well, you do have a crush on Kyle, don't you? I mean, you're always picking on him, making death threats, and I could have sworn that you were writing him a love letter the other day.

[IRRELEVANT FLASHBACK]  
[Cut to the fourth grade classroom, where Cartman is by himself at his desk, writing something down on a piece of paper.]

CARTMAN:  
[aloud softly] Dear Kyle, I think you are so hot. Boy, let me tell you. [giggling] I want to suck your tiny Jewish man-rod so much my lips hurt. I need you so bad. I need to feel you inside of me, Kyle... Please tell me you feel the same about me. [slowly] Love...Wendy.

[Cartman giggles as he folds the paper into a little square and tosses it on Kyle's desk.]

CARTMAN:  
[deviously] This oughtta give me some lunch time entertainment...

[END IRRELEVANT FLASHBACK]

[Cut back to the boys in Cartman's room. Cartman just stares angrily at Stan and Kenny.]

STAN:  
I mean, if you're gay, that's fine, dude. We don't care.

CARTMAN:  
[screaming] God dammit! I am NOT GAY!!!

KENNY:  
[to Stan] (I think someone's in denial...)

CARTMAN:  
[pulls a wiffle bat from his desk] Get the fuck outta my house, chink lovers!

[Stan and Kenny scream and run out of the room with Cartman giving chase. Our tubby villain stops at the door and tosses the wiffle bat aside.]

CARTMAN:  
[deviously] Mark my words. I will send that chink-bitch back where she came from...even if I die trying... [laughs deviously] Now... I need my most trusted advisors to help me plan my most devious plan EVER!

[Cartman sits down on his bed and pulls out his Clyde Frog and Polly Prissypants dolls.]

CARTMAN:  
[folds a leg over one knee] So, what'd you guys think? [as Clyde Frog] Eh. I think you need ta just go up ta tha' bitch and kick 'er in th' balls! [normal] I've learned the hard way that chicks don't have balls, Clyde Frog. [as Polly Prissypants] What if you made passes at Kyle, Eric? Make him look like he's gay!

[Cartman stares at the doll in near disbelief.]

CARTMAN:  
How does that help me?! That only makes me look gay! [as Polly Prissypants] Oh... I thought you were gay.

[Cut to the establishing shot of Cartman's house as he's heard screaming in rage.]

CARTMAN:  
[off screen, screaming] Why does everybody think I'M GAY?! GOD DAMMIIIIIIT!!!

  
[SCENE: Kyle's House  
During the establishing shot, Cartman walks up to the front door and knocks loudly. Cut to a close up of the scene when the door is opened by Kyle.]

KYLE:  
Oh, hey, Cartman.

CARTMAN:  
[cheerfully] Hello, my dear friend Kyle! I heard Eiko was back in town and wanted to welcome her!

KYLE:  
[raises an eyebrow in suspicion] Uh... Okay, dude. I'll go get her. [walks off screen] Eiko! Hey! The fat ass wants to see you!

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] Ay! I'm not fat, god dammit!

[When Eiko appears in the doorway, she smiles brightly at Cartman.]

EIKO:  
Hi, Cartman-kun!

[Cartman looks around nervously for a moment.]

CARTMAN:  
[nervously] Is Kyle around anywhere?

EIKO:  
[blinks in confusion] He went up to his room... Why?

CARTMAN:  
I have something to tell you...

EIKO:  
Oh? What?

CARTMAN:  
This!

[He pulls a Super Soaker from mid air and begins shooting red liquid at a screaming Eiko.]

CARTMAN:  
Eat tabasco sauce, chink!

KYLE:  
[off screen] What the hell are you doing, fat ass?!

CARTMAN:  
Oh, shit! [runs off] Go back to China, rice picker!

[Kyle walks up to Eiko, stares at her for a moment, and then laughs.]

EIKO:  
[pouting] Kyyyyyllllle...

KYLE:  
[wipes some tabasco from her face and licks it] Hey! This is Frank's Red Hot Tabasco sauce! Kick a--

[He suddenly stares ahead as tears form in his eyes.]

KYLE:  
Wow... This stuff is hot... [breathes fire] Really hot... [screams] I need MILK!

[He quickly runs back into the house.]

EIKO:  
[sighs] I need a shower...

  
[SCENE: Cartman's Room  
On his bulletin board, Cartman marks off a square on a piece of paper labeled "Plans to Rid South Park of the Jap-Bitch". Also seen on the board is an obviously doctored picture of Bebe and Cartman with an arm around each other as they smile and wave to the camera. It looks as if Cartman had pasted a cut-out of his head over Wendy’s.]

CARTMAN:  
"Super Soaker of Tabasco Sauce": failure. Next on the list...

[The camera pans to the next square which is labeled, "Locker Full of--" Cartman's hand prevents the rest from being seen.]

CARTMAN:  
It's time...to start phase two... [laughs diabolically]

[Cut to South Park Elementary. During the establishing shot, the large full moon in the sky shines down, illuminating everything, except for a shadowy figure that is stalking its way to the building.]

CARTMAN:  
[snickers] This is gonna be so effin' tits!

[Cut to a close up of the figure, revealing that it is indeed Cartman. He pulls out a grappling hook gun and aims for the roof of the school.]

CARTMAN:  
Steady... Steady... Fire!

[After he fires the grappling hook, it flies to the roof and catches on a pipe. Cartman tugs on it to check for durability and then begins to scale the wall.]

CARTMAN:  
[singing] J-E-L-L-O! Best when on the go! J-E-L-L-O! Endorsed by an old black comedian guy-o! [high falsetto] What is it? [gruffly] Jellllllooooo! Baby!

[When he reaches the roof, he tumbles over the ledge and rolls into a crouching position. He looks left, right, then left again to make sure no one is around. As he creeps to the service door, he mutters a few bars of the "Mission Impossible" theme. He stops his singing when he ducks and hides behind a large heating exhaust vent. When he comes out from hiding, he continues his rendition of the song, until he tries to hide behind a tall skinny pole sticking out of the roof. This sneaking and hiding game continues until he reaches the service door. After cautiously looking around, he opens it and enters. Cut to a darkened hallway filled with lockers. A heating duct grate falls from the ceiling and Cartman gracefully falls out and onto his face.]

CARTMAN:  
[hushed] Sonova bitch!

[He picks himself up and produces a few packets of an unknown substance. He laughs to himself as the scene fades away.]

  
[SCENE: The Bus stop  
The four boys plus Eiko are waiting for the bus. Cartman looks over at the girl and snickers.]

EIKO:  
What is your problem, Cartman-kun? You have been doing that since we arrived.

STAN:  
Yeah, dude. If something's funny you should share it with us.

KYLE:  
Yeah! Like that time we came up with the idea to switch your apple juice for Kenny's dad's awlcahol stuff.

[IRRELEVANT FLASHBACK]  
[Cut to Cartman's kitchen as he stumbles around giggling like a madman. Stan stands nearby with a video camera as Kyle and Kenny sit at the table snickering.]

CARTMAN:  
[slurred] Ya guysh... [points to the boys at the table] I jusht want ya ta know [hiccups] that I love you guys...

STAN:  
That’s nice, dude.

CARTMAN:  
[slurred] No, serioushly! I really really... [pauses] ...uh, uh-oh.

[Cartman throws up all over himself, then trips and falls to the floor. The boys make disgusted faces and wave their hands in front of their noses.]

KYLE:  
Holy shit! That stinks!

STAN:  
Yeah, but Cartman's gonna be so pissed off when we show this in class.

[END IRRELEVANT FLASHBACK]

KENNY:  
(Yeah. We shared that with you.)

CARTMAN:  
Hey. We're all allowed our secrets. An' this just happens to be one of mine.

KYLE:  
Secrets? You mean like the Justin Timberlake poster we found in your closet?

CARTMAN:  
Shut up, Jew!

STAN:  
Or like the biography of Britney Spears that you have hidden under your bed?

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] I bought it ta look at the pictures! You can't find a chick much hotter than that!

STAN:  
[rolls his eyes] Riiight...

EIKO:  
[confused] Justin Timberlake? Britney Spears? [excited] Oh! Are you gay, Cartman-kun?

CARTMAN:  
[shouting] I'M NOT GAY!!!

EIKO:  
[excited] I have always wanted a gay friend!

[The bus pulls up and obstructs the kids from view.]

CARTMAN:  
[off screen, muttering] I'm not your stupid ass friend either, bitch.

  
[SCENE: South Park Elementary -- Hallway  
As the four boys are standing in a semicircle, talking amongst themselves, Eiko, in the background, walks up to her locker.]

STAN:  
You guys seen that new show on TV about Britney Spears and some dude?

KYLE:  
Dude, after seeing that load of crap, I'm considering boycotting television.

CARTMAN:  
Hell, yeah, I saw it! Britney Spears is freakin' hot, yo!

[Eiko tries to open her locker, but doesn't seem to be able to. She scratches her head as she looks at it, confused.]

KENNY:  
(Totally. Nothing beats a good night of staring at those magical tits of hers.)

STAN:  
Dude, she's totally a dumpy bitch.

CARTMAN:  
Ay!

[Eiko tries again to open the locker. This time, it pops open to reveal that her locker has been filled entirely with green jello.]

KYLE:  
No, seriously. I agree with Stan here. Britney Spears is a dumpy attention grabbing whore. I'd sooner beat her with a tire iron than spend any length of time with her.

CARTMAN:  
[points angrily at Kyle] You shut your god damned mouth, Kyle!

[Eiko pokes at the cube of jello, causing it to ripple. It falls out of the locker and, after crushing her to the floor, breaks into many smaller pieces. When she squeals in anger, the boys turn around. Stan, Kenny, and a few other kids in the shot laugh.]

KYLE:  
Holy crap, dude!

CARTMAN:  
[points and laughs] Check it out, you guys! Chink flavored jello! [singing] J-e-l-l-o!

KYLE:  
[pissed] Dude! That's not cool!

CARTMAN:  
Of course it's not COOL, Kyle! It's hilarious!

[Kyle walks over and helps Eiko out of the green slime.]

EIKO:  
[annoyed] Medetashi...

KYLE:  
Dude, you okay?

EIKO:  
I think so. Oh! It's all over everything...

KYLE:  
Don't worry we'll-- What the hell?

[Kyle picks up a grappling hook gun that had been in the locker and holds it out for the others to see. Eiko looks at it briefly, then glares at Cartman.]

KYLE:  
Cartman? Is this yours?

CARTMAN:  
[laughs] Yeah, right. Yer spinnin' the wrong dreidel, Jew.

[Eiko takes the gun from Kyle and turns it around so the boys can see the back of the grip. A close up of said grip reveals that inscribed there in tiny letters are the words, "Property of", and then in big letters, "ERIC T. CARTMAN". Cut to Stan and the boys just as Cartman's expression drops.]

STAN:  
You are so busted, fat ass...

CARTMAN:  
Maybe I shouldn't label all my evil doin' stu--

[A metal shuriken embeds itself in the wall near Cartman's head. He lets out a tiny shriek, looks at the throwing star, and then to Eiko, who is now red with anger.]

CARTMAN:  
[frightened] And then Cartman ran...

[When he takes off running, Eiko follows suit with her twin swords drawn and ready for action.]

CARTMAN:  
[frightened] Wait! Stop! It was s'possed to be a jo--

[When Eiko screams out a multitude of Japanese curses, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny cringe. Cartman screams bloody murder when a wet thud is heard.]

KENNY:  
(I don't think that can be reattached...)

STAN:  
Dude, she is pissed.

KYLE:  
Wow...

EIKO:  
[off screen] Hold still, himanshita oshiri!

[When Cartman screams yet again, cut to his room. A bloody and bandaged Cartman limps up to his bulletin board and marks off the square labeled "Locker Full of Jello".]

CARTMAN:  
[weakly] Well... That went over well... [totters on his feet] Now, for phase three... "Morphine shot in the arm"...

[He collapses to the floor and groans loudly.]

CARTMAN:  
[weakly] I fuckin' hate that bitch...

  
[SCENE: Stark's Pond  
Kyle and Eiko, seen through a pair of binoculars, are sitting on a log, staring at each other.]

KYLE:  
[smiling broadly] You're so cute...

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] My god--

EIKO:  
[smiling animeishly] No, Kairu-kun! You're cute!

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] --I always knew that she was a god damn air head--

KYLE:  
[points to her] No, you!

EIKO:  
[points to him] You!

KYLE:  
You!

EIKO:  
You!

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] --but I never thought that Kyle would stoop so low.

KYLE:  
You!

EIKO:  
[giggles] You!

KYLE:  
[laughs] You!

[Cut to Cartman, who is hiding in a bush and watching the two through a pair of binoculars. Several bandages are wrapped about his head and his left arm is in a sling. Kyle and Eiko's idiotic statements of love can still be heard off screen.]

CARTMAN:  
I don't understand what the hell he sees in that bitch, what with her [dreamily] silky dark hair, those pretty blue eyes, and man, what an ass!

[He tosses the binoculars over his shoulder, all the while looking pissed.]

CARTMAN:  
Good god, she's ugly! I'll be doin' everyone a favor by runnin' this bitch outta town! [slyly] Now it's time for..."Operation Egg the Crap Out of the Chink"! Are you ready?

[He salutes himself and produces a carton of eggs.]

CARTMAN:  
[Scottish accent] Ach! Ah'm readeh, Captain! [normal] Ready? [Scottish accent] Ach! Ah just said tha' Ah was readeh, ye panteh-hose wearin' faggot! [normal, pissed] Ay! Shut the hell up, asshole! Now fire!

[Cartman lobs an egg at the two. It misses and ends up landing in the pond itself. Kyle and Eiko look in the direction whence it came.]

KYLE:  
What the fuck?

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] What the hell're you aimin' at asshole?! [Scottish accent] Ach! I cannae aim when yer tubbeh arse is in meh way!

EIKO:  
Cartman?

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] Ay! Suck my balls, you Scottish bastard! Oh, crap! I've been spotted!

[Cut to a frontal close up of the right half of Kyle's face as his eye moves along with something. An airborne egg harmlessly flies past and splashes into the pond.]

KYLE:  
[pissed] I'm gonna shove those eggs down your throat, fat ass!

[Cartman tosses the carton of eggs into the air and takes off running into the woods.]

CARTMAN:  
[screaming] Fuck beans!

[Kyle and Eiko run into the shot. Eiko follows Cartman off screen, but Kyle stops and picks up the carton of eggs.]

KYLE:  
[looks at the camera, monotone] Wow... Not one broke. How shocking... [runs off, pissed] Get back here, tubby!

CARTMAN:  
[off screen, faintly, screaming] No! Not that again!

[When Cartman screams bloody murder, cut to his room. Covered in raw egg and, once again, blood, Cartman limps up to his bulletin board. He pulls out a marker and crosses off a square labelled "Operation Egg the Crap Out of the Chink".]

CARTMAN:  
[weakly] God damn... I don't know if I can keep this up... Maybe... I should just accept the fact that she'll be here to stay... [blinks in surprise] Did I just say that? [pissed] No! No, I didn't! I refuse ta live in a world where I have to deal with a fuckin' chink on a day to day basis! [patriotically] I refuse ta live in a world where one of my best friends is dating an ugly air headed bitch! [laughs deviously, dramatically] I hope you're ready for a good time, Eiko Kisaragi! 'Cause it's time...to reenact...the bombing of HIROSHIMA!

[After Cartman circles a square labeled "The Reenactment of the Bombing of Hiroshima" with a red marker, he laughs loudly and diabolically. The phone rings once in the background.]

CARTMAN:  
[madly] Yes. Yes. We'll see how that bitch likes being...RADIOACTIVE VAPOR!!! [laughs diabolically]

LIANE:  
[off screen] Poopiekins! You have a phone call!

CARTMAN:  
Oh, really?

[He limps over to the phone on his desk and picks up the receiver.]

CARTMAN:  
[calling out] I got it!

LIANE:  
[off screen and on the phone] Oh, alrighty.

CARTMAN:  
[screaming] Hang up the god damn phone, ma!

SQUEAKY VOICED TEENAGER:  
[on the phone] I-is this Eric Cartman?

CARTMAN:  
Yes, sir. This is.

SQUEAKY VOICED TEENAGER:  
I'm a representative from "Shankman's Discount Nuclear Weapons". I know. The name sucks, but I just work here.

CARTMAN:  
Uh... 'Kay...

SQUEAKY VOICED TEENAGER:  
Did you recently place an order with us for nuclear arms?

CARTMAN:  
I did. Is there something wrong with the order? [pissed] Oh, don't you dare tell me that I can't get my nuclear weapons because of some stupid ass law!

SQUEAKY VOICED TEENAGER:  
Actually, sir, your credit card was declined.

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] What?! Declined?! I stole that card fair and---

[Cut to a close up of Cartman's bulletin board, where "The Reenactment of the Bombing of Hiroshima" has now been labeled "CANCELED" with a black permanent marker.]

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] Well, consider yourself lucky to be radioactive free for another day, Eiko... [mutters] God damn credit card companies and their stupid ass theft reporting.

[IRREVLEVANT LIVE ACTION MINI COMMERCIAL]  
[Cut to a park in a big city of some kind, where an elderly lady is walking a concrete path. A little fat kid runs up to her, steals her purse, and shoves her down to the ground in the process. He goes running off the path and dodges between a grouping of bushes.]

FAT KID:  
[shouting] Thanks for the purse, lady!

ELDERLY LADY:  
[trying to get up] Stop! Thief!

[Cut to the fat kid as he dodges people, bushes, benches, and a police officer on a horse.]

ANNOUNCER:  
Has your credit card ever been stolen? Then surely you know just how much of a hassle it is to get your card back.

[The kid stops running when a shadow looms over him.]

FAT KID:  
[shocked] Oh, bastard sauce...

[He takes a step back in fear.]

ANNOUNCER:  
Then here's a reason why you should choose the Master Discover American Visa Express Card.

MECHANICAL VOICE:  
[off screen] HALT-CREDIT-CARD-THIEF.

ANNOUNCER:  
It comes with a free fully automated MECHA--

[When the kid takes off running in the direction whence he came, the camera turns around to reveal a giant twenty foot bipedal mechanized battle unit, complete with laser cannons, missile launchers, and rocket boosters in the feet. The MECHA fires a missile towards the running fat kid.]

ANNOUNCER:  
\--so you can enjoy the thrill of spending money, you don't have, worry free of theft!

MECHANICAL VOICE:  
HALT-CREDIT-CARD-THIEF.

[Just before the missile makes contact with a tree, cut to the elderly lady, who is now standing and looking to the camera. When a tree explodes in the background, the fat kid darts frantically out from underneath a park bench and runs towards the edge of the screen.]

FAT KID:  
[screaming] Daddy! Mommy!

ELDERLY LADY:  
[to the camera] Ever since I got my Master Discover American Visa Express Card, I haven't had to worry about thieves or hoodlums stealing my credit card and using it to buy those nasty mind altering drugs or any nuclear arms to hold a small country hostage.

[In the background, the MECHA quickly runs on screen and crushes a man and his presumable girlfriend under its giant feet.]

MECHANICAL VOICE:  
HALT-CREDIT-CARD-THIEF.

[The MECHA fires off a few more missiles towards the fat kid.]

ELDERLY LADY:  
Thanks to my Master Discover American Visa Express Card, I can rest easy and know that the money I don't have is there for me to spend so I can get into a debt that you'll never believe!

[Cut to a missile heading straight on a collision course with the fat kid's ass. The kid looks over his shoulder as he frantically tries to out run the explosive projectile. The tears falling from his fear filled eyes glint in the sunlight.]

ELDERLY LADY:  
[voice over] The Master Discover American Visa Express Card really wants to keep their suckers, er, customers happy.

FAT KID:  
[crying, screaming] Mommy!

[The fat kid stumbles and falls to the ground-]

ELDERLY LADY:  
[voice over] And this new credit card insurance really shows how much they want your money, er, care.

[-consequently giving the missile enough time to strike its target. Cut to stock footage of a mushroom cloud shaped nuclear explosion, complete with film defects; I.E.: scratches, discoloration, and jumpiness. Cut back to the park, which now looks like downtown Hiroshima after the nuclear explosion. The elderly lady, now only a smoking skeleton wearing clothes, is still standing in the same spot she was last seen. The MECHA slowly walks up to the remains of the elderly lady and stiffly holds out the credit card in a metal clawed hand.]

MECHANICAL VOICE:  
YOUR-CREDIT-CARD-MA'AM.

[The elderly lady skeleton loses its jaw and then falls over backwards. Cut to a blue screen bearing various information.]

[The Master Discover American Visa Express Card logo here]

To Order By Phone:  
1-800-IND-MDAVE [1-800-I NEED-MASTER DISCOVER AMERICAN VISA EXPRESS]

Or By Conventional Mail:  
I Heart Master Discover American Visa Express!!!!!!!!!!!  
666 Urallsuckers Ave.  
Greedy City, IN 69666

[Please make sure all eleven exclamation points are there as our giant sorting/karaoke machine will disregard any with any other amount.]

Visit Our Website!:  
http:\\\www.IWANTMYMDAVE.W3r3Gr33DyS0bS.com

[END LIVE ACTION MINI COMMERCIAL]

  
[SCENE: The Bus Stop  
The four kids sans Cartman are standing around having a discussion of some kind.]

KENNY:  
(Really?)

EIKO:  
[bows] Hai, Kenny-kun.

KYLE:  
So, are Eiko and I the only ones who think this?

STAN:  
Nah, dude. I agree with you guys one hundred percent.

KENNY:  
(Might as well add me to that list, too.)

KYLE:  
Looks like it's unanimous.

EIKO:  
Hai. Something must be done about it.

KYLE:  
Alright, then. Let's do it!

[Kyle reaches down and adjusts his pants.]

KYLE:  
How's this?

KENNY:  
(A little higher.)

[Kyle pulls his pants up a bit.]

KYLE:  
How about now?

EIKO:  
Oh, Kairu-kun! It's perfect!

STAN:  
Wait. Wait. Kyle? Are you expecting your cocker spaniel to come out and play today?

[Kenny laughs.]

KYLE:  
[puzzled] Who? What?

STAN:  
[points to Kyle's crotch] Your doggy door is open.

KYLE:  
[puzzled] Doggy door? [realizes] Oh!

[When he zips up his pants, Eiko blushes.]

EIKO:  
Stan-kun? Is that what you call it?

STAN:  
Call what?

EIKO:  
[turns an even brighter shade of red] Oyamaa... I am too embarrassed...

KENNY:  
(She asked if you call your penis a cocker spaniel.)

STAN:  
Well, yeah. I mean, it's like a dog, right? 'Cause whenever Wendy's around, he gets all excited and jumps up and tries to sniff her crotch and then he'll pee all over if she scratches me behind my ears...

[While Kyle and Eiko stare wide eyed at Stan, Kenny falls to the ground, laughing.]

STAN:  
[nervously] I think I might have just said too much...

KYLE:  
Okay... [blinks] Anyway, is it just me or has Cartman been a little...too evil lately?

STAN:  
[shrugs] Has he? Sorry, I haven't been paying attention. Wendy's been showing me this new book she bought on positioning that she wants me to help her try out...

KENNY:  
[now standing] (Oh? Sexual positions?)

STAN:  
No, dude! Something called fung shway or something.

KYLE:  
Huh.

EIKO:  
Kenny-kun, you have seen it as well, haven't you?

KENNY:  
(Seen what? Wendy play with Stan's cocker spaniel?)

STAN:  
Dude!

KYLE:  
No, dude. Nobody cares about Wendy and how she gets Stan's cocker spaniel so excited that he sticks his nose out of his kennel.

STAN:  
[high pitched voice] Dude!

KYLE:  
We're talking about Cartman and how he sprayed Eiko with tabasco sauce, filled her locker with jello, threw eggs at her--

EIKO:  
\--gave me a box wrapped as a gift that was actually filled with killer bees, dressed up as a Nazi and tried to lynch me--

KYLE:  
\--kidnapped her and tried to make a stew out of her, threw gum in her hair--

EIKO:  
[now has a bad haircut] Oyamaa... I still cannot get it all out...

KYLE:  
\--lured her down to Stark's Pond so he could "make her sleep with the fishes"--

EIKO:  
[now has her normal hairstyle again] --told Mr. Garrison-san that I had a secret crush on Mr. Slave-san, tried to run me over with a Go! Go! Action Bronco, threatened me with a plastic light saber--

KYLE:  
\--and pretended to be a magician so he could get close enough to slice her throat with a real knife.

EIKO:  
[now with a knife wound across her neck for this line only, annoyed] Kusotare...

[Stan and Kenny stare at the two, eyes wide.]

STAN:  
Dude, where the hell have we been all week?

KYLE:  
[annoyed] At your house playing with Wendy, Kenny, and your cocker spaniel, but we stopped long enough to see what was going on...

STAN:  
[pissed] Dude! Could we stop talking about Little Stan?

EIKO:  
Something must be done about the himanshita oshiri.

STAN:  
[looking towards the camera] Hey, Eiko...

EIKO:  
Hai?

STAN:  
Duck.

EIKO:  
Nani?

[She squeals and falls to her back when a yellow snowball beans her in the face.]

CARTMAN:  
[off screen, faintly] Drink my pee, you stupid bitch! [laughs]

KYLE:  
Dude!

STAN:  
Uh, when someone tells you to duck, you're supposed to duck...

EIKO:  
[weakly] Oyamaa... I think I swallowed some of it...

KYLE:  
Aw, sick...

STAN:  
What the hell was that for, Cartman?

[When the scene cuts to Cartman standing dramatically on top of a mound of snow, a female choir is heard singing angelically. The sun, because of the odd camera angle, is positioned directly behind his head, giving a halo type effect.]

CARTMAN:  
[dramatically] Jap-bitch! I'm calling you out!

STAN:  
[pinches the bridge of his nose, annoyed] Oh, god...

CARTMAN:  
[points, dramatically] I CHOOSE you!

[Kenny rolls his eyes.]

CARTMAN:  
[dramatically] I choose you for a fight!

[Eiko stands, spits yellow snow from her mouth, and wipes it from her face.]

CARTMAN:  
[dramatically] One on one! Mano y mano!

[She wipes the front of her kimono off and then glares at Cartman.]

EIKO:  
I accept your challenge, himanshita oshiri.

KYLE:  
[sighs] Here we go...

CARTMAN:  
Playground. [holds up two fingers] Two hours to prepare. Be there...or be square.

  
[SCENE: Playground  
Pip and Butters, holding microphones and wearing suits like sports announcers, stand away from the crowd of kids that showed up for the fight.]

PIP:  
Oh! 'ello, there! And welcome to another edition of "Ninjitsu Bustle"!

BUTTERS:  
Thuh-that's right, Puh-Pip! And this wuh-one looks like it kuh-could be a doozy, buh-by golly.

PIP:  
Let's meet our contestants, shall we? Chip chip churrah!

BUTTERS:  
Wuh-well, we have our fuh-first fighter, who comes from Suh-South Park. And I know he comes fuh-from South Park, 'cause he's my friend, buh-by golly, and I wouldn't trade anything fuh-for him.

PIP:  
Oh? Are you talking about me?

BUTTERS:  
Oh, hamburgers! I-I was, wasn't I? Juh-geez Louise! I always do that...

[Cut to an image of Cartman sitting on his couch and eating Cheesy Poofs.]

PIP:  
[voice over] Contestant number one: South Park's own Eric Cartman! I would say, "Let's give the chap a hand," but nobody seems to like him.

[The image spins away off screen, revealing, once again, the two boys.]

BUTTERS:  
Thuh-that's because he's a mean suh-spirited sonova guh-gun!

PIP:  
Oh! I do hope he gets his behind handed to him.

[Cut to an image of Eiko, who is sitting in a woodland setting, with the sunlight filtering through the trees behind her. Various woodland creatures have come up to her and sit around her, except for a squirrel that is perched on her head.]

BUTTERS:  
[voice over] Our nuh-next fighter, Eiko Kisaragi, comes from the outskuh-skirts of Tokyo, Japan and, buh-boy, is she cute.

PIP:  
[voice over] Oh, rightfully!

[When the image spins away and off screen, Kyle is seen, in the background, exiting the crowd and walking towards the two boys.]

PIP:  
And she's real nice, as well.

BUTTERS:  
If shuh-she wasn't already dating Kuh-Kyle, why I'd-- I'd pick a field's worth of flowers for her, I would.

PIP:  
Oh! I'd serve tea to her every day at tea time and--

KYLE:  
Hey, guys?

PIP:  
Oh! Good day to you, Kyle!

KYLE:  
Hey, one of you has to root for Cartman here.

BUTTERS:  
Whuh-why?

KYLE:  
'Cause, dude! Both of you rooting for Eiko is a Mary Sue quality and then we'd have to kill her.

PIP:  
Oh, dear. We wouldn't want to see that happen...

KYLE:  
Yeah, so just one of you pretend to root for Cartman, or something. Oh. And I need that picture of Eiko.

[Butters pulls out the picture, looks at it for a moment, and then reluctantly gives it to Kyle. Kyle, in turn, grins psychotically and stuff the photo in a pocket.]

KYLE: Sweeeet... [walks off] I'm goin' to watch the fight! Later, guys!

[Pip and Butters share a look of confusion and shrug.]

BUTTERS:  
[reluctantly] Guh-go, Eric...

[Elsewhere, Stan, Kenny, Kyle, and Eiko are standing in the middle of the crowd of kids. Eiko impatiently bounces up and down a few times.]

EIKO:  
Oyamaa... Where is he?

STAN:  
Dude, he's always late...

[A gong is heard, which is then followed by suspenseful Chinese-inspired music. Cut to a bare foot as it stomps down on the ground. The gong sounds again. Cut to the opposite foot as it stomps down. The gong is heard once more. Cut to Cartman, dressed in loose fitting martial arts clothes; a snow white long sleeved shirt and night black pants. The gong is rapidly hit several more times. Cartman takes a deep breath and then drops into a fighting stance.]

STAN:  
[awestruck] What the fuck...?

[From this point on, Cartman and Eiko's voices have been overdubbed badly with adult voices to give a horrible lip-synced feel.]

CARTMAN:  
Eiko, I have come to take your honor. Come! Let us fight!

[Eiko brings a foot back, making a cloud of snow as she does, and draws her swords slowly and one at a time.]

EIKO:  
Very well! I shall take my honor away from you, glutton!

CARTMAN:  
[smirks] Very well, female dog! Then you will receive...THE DEATH OF MY PUNISHMENT!!!

[The two bow. Cartman, however, uses the motion of his bow to go into a roll. He stops below Eiko's face and kicks her in the jaw, sending her flying into the air. Somersaulting mid-flight, she lands on her feet, and adopts a relaxed fighting stance.]

EIKO:  
You are the mistress of cheap tricks! I do not like you! You die while eating fecal matter!

CARTMAN:  
[jumps to his feet] All your base are belong to us!

EIKO:  
Never!

[She charges at him, swords trailing behind her. Cartman waves to her and then leaps an impossible distance into the air. Eiko, looks up, and then follows suit. Cut to Stan, Kyle, and Kenny as they watch, dumbfounded.]

KYLE:  
Can any of this even be scientifically possible?

[Stan shrugs. Cut to the airborne combatants as they fight mid-flight. Eiko slashes with both her swords, creating an "X"-like attack. Cartman somehow manages to dodge the attack by moving up above her. When he starts punching her several times in the face in rapid succession, switch to slow motion. Underwater sound effects can be heard. He strikes her in the jaw and blood slowly flies out of her mouth when she recoils. She flips and manages to kick Cartman in the balls. Return to normal speed when he grabs his crotch, reaches the peak of his jump, and then begins to fall back to the earth. His head stays stationary, while his body falls, resulting in a Stretch Armstrong effect.]

CARTMAN:  
[meekly] Help me...

[His head soon follows his body as he screams. A bird flies by Eiko. She lands on its back, jumps off it, flips, and then gracefully falls back to the earth. The bird continues on as if nothing happened. Cut to Cartman as he falls, back first. When he holds out his hands, they begin to glow with a strange light.]

CARTMAN:  
Kame...

[Cut to Eiko as she positions herself to fall head first. Cut back to Cartman as the light increases in intensity.]

CARTMAN:  
Hame...

[Cut back to Eiko as she holds her swords out to pierce him when she lands. Cut back to Cartman as light as bright as a thousand suns emits from his palms.]

CARTMAN:  
[screaming] --HA!!!

[In slow motion, a large ball of fire emits from his hands and flies upwards. Cut to Eiko as realization of the situation dawns on her. Cut to the fireball as it disintegrates a bird that got too close. Cut to Eiko as she sheathes her swords. Cut to Cartman as he smirks and does a little mid-flight victory dance. Cut back to Eiko as she pulls a fire extinguisher from seemingly nowhere. Return to normal speed when the chemical shoots out and renders the fireball to a small flying rock that beans her on the forehead.]

EIKO:  
[normal voice] Ow! Kusotare!

CARTMAN:  
[flips the bird, normal voice] Haha! Drink my pee, rice picker!

[When Cartman lands to the ground, cut to stock footage of a mushroom cloud as voice overs of the various kids can be heard as they scream. After the cloud has dissipated, return to the playground where a large crater has formed in the middle of the downed crowd of kids. Kyle is the first to sit up, followed by Stan.

KYLE:  
Jesus Christ! What the fuck was that?

STAN:  
Damn, you'd almost think they dropped nuclear bombs on us or something.

KYLE:  
[looks around] Hey, where's Kenny? [becomes worried] More importantly, where's Eiko?

[An unconscious Eiko lands next to them with a sickening thud.]

STAN:  
[points] There she is.

KYLE:  
[relieved] There's a load off my mind!

[Cartman weakly climbs out of the crater and wobbles on his feet when he stands.]

CARTMAN:  
[weakly] I won, you guys!

STAN:  
Actually, Cartman, neither one of you won, since no killing blows were actually struck.

CARTMAN:  
[weakly] Oh, well. There's always tomorrow...

[Cartman turns around to reveal a flattened Kenny stuck to his back.]

STAN:  
[points] Oh my god! They killed Kenny!

KYLE:  
[waves a fist] You bastards!

[Kenny's paper thin body falls off of Cartman and floats into the crater.]

CARTMAN:  
Yeah! There's always tomorrow, right, guys?

[A shadow appears over Cartman.]

CARTMAN:  
Uh, guys?

[There is a sound of hydraulics moving.]

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] I asked you a god damn--

MECHANICAL VOICE:  
HALT-CREDIT-CARD-THIEF.

[Cartman turns around and his expression immediately turns to fear.]

CARTMAN:  
Oh, fuck me...

[The camera turns around to reveal an animated version of the MECHA from the live action commercial. When Cartman takes off running, the MECHA gives chase.]

MECHANICAL VOICE:  
HALT-CREDIT-CARD-THIEF.

[When Cartman screams off screen, the camera pans back to reveal an animated version of the old lady from the live action commercial.]

ELDERLY LADY:  
So, let this be a lesson to all you credit card thieves--

[In the background, Cartman runs across the screen, followed closely by the MECHA, who fires off a laser that misses.]

CARTMAN:  
[frightened] Gah! Sonova bitch!

[He runs off screen, as does the MECHA.]

ELDERLY LADY:  
Master Discover American Visa Express will find you and kill you if you steal one of their cards.

[Cartman jumps on screen and runs past the elderly lady.]

ELDERLY LADY:  
[waves a fist at Cartman] Give me back my credit ca--

[The MECHA walks on screen and stomps on her.]

MECHANICAL VOICE:  
HALT-CREDIT-CARD-THIEF.

[When it fires a missile at Cartman, cut to a frontal of Cartman as he runs frantically towards the camera.]

CARTMAN:  
[screaming] I'll never steal a credit card again! Please!

[When he runs directly into the camera, his pupil gets bigger until it fills up the entire screen and reveals the words--]

**_[THE END]_ **

MECHANICAL VOICE:  
[voice over] HALT-CREDIT-CARD-THIEF.

CARTMAN:  
[voice over, screaming] No! No! Gah!

[The sounds of heavy mechanical stomping is heard followed by a loud explosion and Cartman's blood curdling screams.]

  
[SCENE: Playground -- Night  
A bloody and bruised Cartman is laying near the crater.]

CARTMAN:  
[weakly] God damn credit card theft protection... [coughs up blood] Shit...


	23. Amidst the Shadows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Chrono Trigger Saga, Part 2. Walking the Mountain Path, Chapter 1.
> 
> When Butters comes down with a strange illness Stan, Wendy, and Kyle rally the children of South Park together to search for the cure.

It's Friday morning and here I stand, at the bus stop, not conversing with my friends, but thinking about things that I wouldn't normally give a rat's ass about. I'm not usually a heavy thinker; that's Kenny's department. But...I dunno... For some reason, my thoughts have been dark the past couple of days. Is there an after-life? Is there a Heaven and/or Hell? Is it possible for one to return to the living after death? Those are just a few examples of the dark thoughts inhabiting my mind. This isn't like me; to be pondering such deep things on the scale of what we call life, but...

Is there an after-life?

Sure. I don't see why not. Just because the body housing the soul dies doesn't mean that the soul itself rots away. A soul, unlike flesh, is everlasting in the grand scheme of things. Just like what those commercials say about diamonds, a soul is forever.

Is there a Heaven and/or Hell?

I believe so. I've met both Satan and God, so those two places must exist. God in the eternal paradise, and Satan in the realm of eternal flames. Besides, where are all the souls going to go? Arkansas? They have to go somewhere. And I don't think Arkansas is where all the cool souls hang out.

Is it possible for one to return to the living after death?

Why not? If they can produce a crappy remake of "Psycho", then I see no reason why people can't be brought back from the dead. But, like remakes of movies, they won't be as good as the original. Personally, I feel that once a soul leaves the body that person loses their humanity. The soul is like a driver and the body is like a car. Without a "driver", the body merely sits idle, waiting for someone to get in and drive it away. However, once a soul leaves a body, the doors lock with the keys inside and there's no windows to break open. If resurrected, the body will arise and act on its own, sort of like a moving vehicle with no steering.

I've been looking WAY too far into this. I've been spending a lot of time at the library, too, just looking up death. Kyle seemed to be worried that I was going back into a goth phase. I dunno. Maybe I am. But something's telling me that I need to know this stuff.

I had a dream last night. Me and Butters, of all people, were standing among the white billowy clouds in the sky so blue. Light from the golden sun shown down upon us. The two of us shared a look and then I turned my gaze towards the heavens and asked, "Why? Why do this to me?"

A deep booming voice then replied, "Because...it is your purpose." The dream...ended there.

"Hey, Stan?"

My purpose? I don't understand. Does this dream mean something? Or is it just random gibberish?

"Stan."

Does it have something to do with my recent fascination with death? Is it an omen of some kind?

"STAN!!!"

I jumped out of my deep sea of thoughts and, with wide eyes, regarded the owner of the voice that startled me. "What?" I snarled with annoyance. My thought process had been interrupted before I could figure out the answer to my questions. "I'm thinking here!"

My best friend Kyle rolled his eyes and uttered a little annoyed sigh. He pointed to his right and at the big yellow rectangular vehicle idling loudly beside us. "The bus is here," he muttered flatly. I just blinked my eyes, speechless. When did that get here? How long was I out of it? "Dude, if you remember, I, too, once abandoned reality for long periods of time." He turned to walk away from me, but stopped halfway to the bus. He looked over his shoulder at me as I still tried to figure out what the hell was going on. "But let me tell you something; I've been down that dark, lonely road before. And I've realized why it's dark and lonely, Stan. Like I did, you'll find...nothing there."

_____________________________________________________________

  
[SCENE: Hell  
As hot magma flows across the ground in the park, Adolf Hitler and John Lennon, both with photo realistic heads, are seen meandering down a basaltic walkway.]

HITLER:  
Ich liebe die Hölle! Es ist sehr gut, nein?

JOHN LENNON:  
Yeah, shore, mate. 'ell ain't that bad, I guess. Et's warm twehty-four/seven/t'ree 'undred-sexty-five days o' th' year, an' best of all, Satan luv's me music! Et cahn't get much betta than that!

HITLER:  
[smiles brightly] Ja! Das IST sehr gut! [hugs John] Ich liebe dich außerdem!

[The two walk out of the park and are soon wandering down the walkways of a nice subdivision.]

JOHN LENNON:  
[shrugs off Hitler, shocked] Whoa! I dun't swing tha' way, Adolf! [low] At least noht since Brian Epstein, anyway...

HITLER:  
[pissed] Oh! Scheiße!

JOHN LENNON:  
'ey, et's alrigh', lad... I cahn't 'elp bein' irresistable. Wot abou' Satan, eh? You still got a thing for 'im?

HITLER:  
[downcast] Ob er mich wohl noch kennt?

JOHN LENNON:  
Well, considering 'es recent choices o' boyfrien's lately, I'd 'ave ta say..."no, prolly noht..."

[Hitler's photo realistic head frowns.]

JOHN LENNON:  
'ere, mate... Some words o' advice. You've got ta 'ide yur luv away or you'll be nowhere, man...

HITLER:  
[confused] Uh, danke schön?

[The two pass by a very nicely decorated house with a neatly trimmed lawn. Red roses and purple tulips can be seen growing in the flower bed by the door.]

JOHN LENNON:  
Yur welcome, guv'na! [looks at the house] Oh! Lookie 'ere! [waves] Ef et ain't th' devil 'imself! [shouting] 'allo, lad!

[After the two pass out of the shot, Satan is seen looking out of the window, waving with a dishrag in his hand. After the scene cuts to the inside of the kitchen, he sighs and returns his hand and the dishrag to the murky depths of the soap and water filled sink.]

SATAN:  
Hmm... [smirks] That was a nice breakfast. Would you like dessert?

FAMILIAR VOICE:  
[off screen] No, thanks, dude. I was actually hoping that we could talk about that deal...

SATAN:  
[sighs] Oh, alright.

[After rinsing a few plates off under running water and placing them in a drying rack, he turns off the faucet and, with a steel wool pad, begins to scrub a pan caked with burnt on grease.]

SATAN:  
[pissed] Damn this Palmolive Liquid Dishwashing Soap! Gets off tough grease when Hell freezes over!

FAMILIAR VOICE:  
[off screen] Heh. My mom used to say the same thing.

SATAN:  
As you know, the time for the Four Horsemen to once again roam free upon the Earth above is drawing nigh. [mutters as he struggles with the pan] Damn this grease! This is the last time I make Sam Kinison burgers! [normal] However, they shall roam free across the scorched Earth if the one of purest soul is enveloped within the eternal burning flame.

FAMILIAR VOICE:  
[off screen] So... Basically, you want me to go up there, kidnap this "pure soul", and bring him--

SATAN:  
\--or her...

FAMILIAR VOICE:  
[off screen] --or her back here so we can have a cannibalistic barbecue?

SATAN:  
[still struggling with the pan] That's the boring way to say it. Yes.

FAMILIAR VOICE:  
[off screen] What happens if I succeed, dude?

SATAN:  
I shall return you to Earth as one of my top men, just as I promised.

[When Satan pulls his scrubbie out of the water, he looks at the camera through the hole he wore into it.]

SATAN:  
[muttering] God dammit...

FAMILIAR VOICE:  
[off screen] And if I fail?

SATAN:  
[tosses the pad into a nearby trash can] Nothing really... I'm not really gung-ho about terrorizing the living at the moment. So, should you succeed: groovy. If you fail: no biggie.

FAMILIAR VOICE:  
[off screen] Oh. Does this have anything to do with your--

SATAN:  
[downcast] --ex-boyfriend? Yeah... It's alright, though... I just saw him at the supermarket the other day, hanging around Johnny Carson... I guess I'm not over him like I thought...

FAMILIAR VOICE:  
[off screen] That sucks, dude.

SATAN:  
[smiles forlornly] I'll live through it. I AM the Prince of Darkness. I have to.

FAMILIAR VOICE:  
[off screen] Kick ass, dude!

SATAN:  
Hm. Anyway, about your assignment; the child you'll be going after is Leopold "Butters" Stotch of South Park, Colorado.

FAMILIAR VOICE:  
[off screen] Really? Well then. Since I know who I'm after and where I'm going--

SATAN:  
Wait, before you leave... Princess Diana?

PRINCESS DIANA:  
[off screen] Yes, me Master o' Darkness?

SATAN:  
Could you start the plague on Butters Stotch, please?

[Typing is heard for a few moments.]

PRINCESS DIANA:  
[off screen] Et's been done, luv. Plague's should startin' about...now.

SATAN:  
[grins] She's the best secretary I've ever had.

[He scrubs the bastard pan in silence for a few moments.]

SATAN:  
Would you like to take some leftovers with you for your trip to the surface?

[When he receives only silence, he turns to find that no one is sitting at the kitchen table. He shrugs and goes back to his task at hand.]

SATAN:  
He's such a nice boy.

  
[SCENE: Butters' House - Morning  
Linda marches up the stairs to Butters' room and knocks on the door.]

LINDA:  
Butters? Butters, it's time to get up.

[After she knocks again--]

LINDA:  
Butters?

[--a few groans come from the opposite side of the door.]

LINDA:  
Let's get moving, young man! You can't learn anything at school if you're not there!

[The door opens slowly before a sickly looking Butters steps out and leans on the doorjamb for support. His eyes, sunken and bloodshot, look upwards apologetically.]

BUTTERS:  
[weakly] Suh-sorry, ma. I'm juh-just running a little slow tuh-today.

LINDA:  
[shocked] Slow?! Butters, you look awful! [brings her hands to her face] Oh my God! Did you wash your hands after touching those gerbils of yours?

BUTTERS:  
[weakly] Luh-like always.

LINDA:  
[freaking out] Oh my God! Have you been exposed to the white powder?!

BUTTERS:  
[weakly] I haven't bih-been playing with the 'thrax, either. At least, I don't think I have...

[Linda drops to the floor on her knees and hugs Butters tightly.]

LINDA:  
[panicking] Oh my God! My baby's dying!

BUTTERS:  
[weakly] Juh-geez Louise, muh-ma! I'm not THAT sick. At luh-least, I don't think I am. I could be wrong though... Bih-besides, I can't die! Whuh-why, I have to go to school today! 'Cuz if I don't go to school, then I can't see muh-Mr. Slave after he had a buh-Buick surgically removed from his intestinal tract!

[Linda lets go of Butters and gives him a worried smile.]

BUTTERS:  
[weakly] Bih-besides, I have to see all my ff-friends or else they'll miss me!

[After Butters walks past his mother and slowly descends the stairs off screen, he is heard tripping and falling down the incline with loud painful sounding thuds. After Linda cringes a few times, she rushes down the stairs.]

LINDA:  
Butters!

BUTTERS:  
[off screen, weakly] Guh-golly... I guh-guess I should stay away from stuh-stairs...

  
[SCENE: South Park Elementary - Playground  
A panning establishing shot starts with Cartman and Stan bickering near the tetherball, passes over Bebe and Red hugging each other, then Craig urinating on Dog Poo while Clyde watches with a look of indifference. Pip, who is walking in the foreground, becomes the focus of the scene when he looks over his shoulder.]

PIP:  
Oh, dear... I feel so dreadfully sorry for that poor chap. To be urinated on like that; how awful! Oh! Thank goodness it's not me!

[He turns completely around, but continues walking in the current direction backwards.]

PIP:  
And it would seem that the red 'aired girl is touching Bebe in an unappropriate manner... Yet, she doesn't seem to care. Oh, I don't think I've ever seen anything quite like it before. I must say, I'm dreadfully confused and-- [suddenly wide eyed, shocked] Oh my... [points excitedly] I'll pay fifty dollars to see that again!

[As he continues walking backwards and watching whatever it is he's watching, Pip fails to notice the coughing Butters, who happens to be in his path. The two collide and fall into the snow.]

PIP:  
[sitting up] Oh, bother... [shakes head] I'm so dreadfully sorry, Butters ol' chap. I should've been watching where I was walking!

[When Pip stands and offers a hand to the downed Butters, the sickly looking boy makes no move to get up. He stares blankly at Pip as his breath comes in short and labored bursts.]

PIP:  
[concerned] Buh-Butters? Are you okay?

BUTTERS:  
[weakly, delusional] One puh-plus one, times five, and muh-minus two is eight...

[When Pip kneels down next to Butters, cut to a close up of the sickly boy's face as he bleeds from unseen wounds.]

PIP:  
[shocked] Oh, blimey...

[Cut to the nurse's office as Kyle strolls out, with Eiko right on his heels. Once in the hallway, she turns and bows to Nurse Gollum.]

EIKO:  
Doumo arigatou, Nurse Gollum!

[After she rolls up her kimono sleeve, she lifts up her arm to show Kyle the flowery band-aid stuck to her elbow.]

EIKO:  
Look! Look, Kairu-kun! Oyamaa! It's so pretty!

[As the two walk down the hallway, Kyle rolls his eyes causing her to stick out her lip in an overexaggerated pout.]

KYLE:  
Dude, it's just a band-aid. I don't see why you're so excited about it.

EIKO:  
But Kyyyyle! It has flowers on it!

KYLE:  
[shrugs] So? I can look outside anytime and see flowers. Well, when it's spring out I can...

EIKO:  
Hai! That is why I am excited about-- [exposes her bandaged elbow again] Haaaah! My bandage!

KYLE:  
[laughing] You're such a goof ball...

[Eiko opens her mouth to speak just as Pip rushes by, dragging a near unconscious Butters behind him.]

PIP:  
[urgently] Oh, please excuse me! Dire emergency!

[When he rushes into the nurse's office, the two stop and turn to look back.]

KYLE:  
I wonder what happened? Jesus... I don't think I've ever seen Pip with a look like that on his face...

[Eiko gasps loudly and points to the floor.]

EIKO:  
Oyamaa! Kyle... The floor...

[After Kyle looks down, cut to his point of view to reveal the tan floor tiling smeared with a long and wide trail of blood. The two look wide eyed down the hallway in the direction from which Pip came, where the blood trail disappears around a corner.]

KYLE:  
[shocked] Jesus Christ... That's-- That's a lot of blood...

[Cut to the inside of the nurse's office as Pip helps Nurse Gollum put Butters up on an examining table, both getting covered in blood during the process. In the background, Kyle and Eiko can be seen peeking in the doorway, looks of shock covering their faces.]

NURSE GOLLUM:  
[quietly panicking] Oh-okay... Um, while I try to stop the bleeding, Pip, tell me exactly what happened.

PIP:  
[takes a deep breath] Yes, yes. Well--

[Cut back to the tether ball where Cartman and Stan are still bickering. Cartman smacks Stan across the face.]

STAN:  
[caressing his cheek] Dude!

CARTMAN:  
\--an' all that other stuff I said! Don't you understand American, butt pirate?

STAN:  
I would understand, fat ass, but I don't speak "American". I speak ENGLISH. And secondly, you didn't say anything else. You just walked up to me and said, [imitating Cartman] "--an' all that other stuff Ah said, hippie!"

CARTMAN:  
[mockingly] Oh, is-- Is that the best comeback you can think of, Stan? I SO have you owned in this argument.

STAN:  
[pissed] What argument?! You just walked up to me and said that!

CARTMAN:  
[smug] Well, it's obvious who's the better at debating.

STAN:  
[pissed] Cartman, you're such a dumb--

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] Don't say it!

STAN:  
[annoyed] Dumba--

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] Ay! Don't say it, you stupid hippie loving freak!

STAN:  
I may be in love with a hippie, but at least I didn't fall from the sky and kill Kenny! You bastard.

CARTMAN:  
[downcast] I-- I'm still traumatized by that...

[The two boys look up when a pillar of light appears from the sky.]

STAN:  
[casually] Dude, check it out.

[A female choir begins singing random Latin words as Cartman’s eyes widen in shock.]

CARTMAN:  
This never fails to wow me.

STAN:  
You're easily amused by blinking Christmas lights, aren't you?

CARTMAN:  
Damn right.

[Kenny suddenly appears within the bright golden light, striking a dramatic pose.]

CARTMAN:  
[wide eyed] Holy shit...

[When the pillar of light and the choir fade away, Kenny drops his pose and casually raises a hand in greeting.]

KENNY:  
(Hey, guys.)

STAN/CARTMAN:  
Hey, Kenny.

STAN:  
Dude, where've you been? You've been missing for nearly a week!

KENNY:  
(I decided to take a vacation in a really warm place.)

CARTMAN:  
Oh, really? Where at, Mr. I-Can't-Afford-To-Eat-Anything-But-Frozen-Waffles? Hell? [laughs]

KENNY:  
(No. I went to Haiti again to get a tan and to pick up hot island chicks.)

CARTMAN:  
Ha! Haiti, my ass!

STAN:  
Again? Dude, that's the second time you've gone to Haiti without telling us.

CARTMAN:  
You sure it wasn't HADES this time, poor boy? Heh heh. 'Cause that's the only warm place your family can afford to go on vacation! All you have to do is kill yourselves and-- POOF!!! --you're there!

KENNY:  
(What I miss?)

STAN:  
Just Cartman being a whiny little bitch. And that's nothing new.

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] Ay! Shut yer god damn mou-- [shocked, points screen left] Holy shit! Is that Bebe...being groped by that red haired girl?

[Kenny's eyes widen in shock before he whirls around to see said act.]

KENNY:  
[eagerly] (What's this about two chicks?)

STAN:  
Dude, they're just hugging. Red's crying and Bebe's just trying to cheer her up.

KENNY: (Aww... You got my hopes up for nothing.)

CARTMAN:  
But... I swear! Red slipped Bebe the tongue! [pissed] Stay away from my woman, you red haired bitch!

STAN:  
She's not your woman, fat ass.

CARTMAN:  
[nervously] Sure, she is. [downcast] She just doesn't know it yet.

KYLE:  
[off screen] Dudes!

CARTMAN:  
Oh, look! It's the little boy Jew and his stupid Jap girl! [mockingly] Kohnichikawa, douchebags!

[When Kyle and Eiko walk up to the others, Kenny backhands Cartman in the face.]

CARTMAN:  
Ow!

KENNY:  
(Heh.)

CARTMAN:  
God dammit, Kenny!

KYLE:  
Thanks, dude.

KENNY:  
(No probs.)

KYLE:  
Bad news, everyone.

EIKO:  
[excitedly] We have good news, too!

KYLE:  
[raises an eyebrow] We do?

EIKO:  
[animè-ish smile] Hai, Kairu-kun!

KYLE:  
Uh, okay... Let's get the bad news out of the way first.

EIKO:  
[pouts] Fine...

CARTMAN:  
[mutters] My god, this bitch is making me sick.

KYLE:  
[worriedly] Have you guys heard anything about Butters?

STAN:  
Well, I know he wasn't looking so hot when school started this morning.

CARTMAN:  
Who the hell cares? I hope that stupid melvin dies or something.

KYLE:  
Be careful what you wish for, Cartman.

KENNY:  
(Why? What's wrong with him?)

KYLE:  
[worriedly] From-- From what we overheard outside the nurse's office, he's...bleeding pretty badly...

CARTMAN:  
Ha! That's it?! From the way you were talking, I was thinkin' that he got his head smashed in with an anvil or something.

KYLE:  
[pissed] Let me finish, fat ass! He's-- He's bleeding from wounds...that don't exist.

[Stan, Kenny, and Cartman take a long moment to absorb this new information.]

CARTMAN:  
[slowly] Sonova bitch...

KENNY:  
[shocked] (Jesus Christ...)

STAN:  
I doubt this'll make me feel better, but...what's the good news?

EIKO:  
[excitedly] This!

[She grins broadly and rolls up her kimono sleeve revealing, once again, her flowery bandage.]

EIKO:  
[excitedly] Kwaa! My band-aid! Isn't it pretty?

[The four boys stare at her in shock as they attempt to make sense of her actions.]

EIKO:  
[losing confidence] Do-- Do you not think so?

[Stan suddenly bursts into sad tears and walks away while Kenny brings a hand to his forehead.]

CARTMAN:  
[wide eyed] I'm...not...even gonna say anything...

[When he and Kenny walk away with looks of annoyed puzzlement, Eiko looks at her elbow and then at the space the three boys had vacated.]

EIKO:  
[confused] Do-- Do they not like flowers, Kyle?

KYLE:  
[blinks] Uh, Eiko? Megami? I think you missed the point entirely.

EIKO:  
[confused] I did?

KYLE:  
[rolls eyes, low] Wonderful...

[After he sighs, cut back to the hallway outside the nurse's closed office door.]

NURSE GOLLUM:  
[off screen, worriedly] I-- I can't stop the bleeding!

PIP:  
[off screen, worriedly] Oh, dear... I do hope he'll be okay...

NURSE GOLLUM:  
[off screen, worriedly] Pip! Go to the phone and-- Oh, God... Call 911!

PIP:  
[off screen, worriedly] Ruh-right-o!

BUTTERS:  
[off screen, weakly, delusional] Whuh-why're you leaving so soon? Juh-geez Louise, if you, if you leave, wuh-we'll all be sad... I'd rather be sad thuh-than to see someone else sad...

NURSE GOLLUM:  
[off screen, worriedly] Just...keep talking to me, Butters.

BUTTERS:  
[off screen, weakly, delusional] Leh-let me go instead...

[The scene cuts to black.]

PIP:  
[voice over, worried] 911? My fuh-friend! He's-- He's--

  
[SCENE: Hell's Pass Hospital  
During the establishing shot, an ambulance crashes into the building and catches fire. The paramedic who had been driving the vehicle falls out when the door falls off its hinges.]

PARAMEDIC:  
[pained] My back's broken! Someone call an ambulance!

[Cut to the emergency room where Butters' parents are sitting in chairs and trying to read magazines. Linda, in an emotional fit, throws her "Timely Death" magazine across the room, where it lands in the lap of a man who looks similar to O.J. Simpson.]

O.J. LOOK-A-LIKE:  
Ooh! "How to Kill Your Wife and Get Away With It!" I've gotta read this!

[Linda buries her face in Stephen' shoulder and cries. His hardened expression begins to break as he tries to comfort her with a hug.]

LINDA:  
[crying] I knew it! I KNEW it!

STEPHEN:  
[crying] Shh... It's-- It's okay, Linda. The doctors are gonna fix him up and we'll have our little man back home in no time. And soon after, we can just put this behind us.

LINDA:  
[crying] I knew he was dying and-- And I just let him go anyway!

[She utters a loud tearful wail as she grips Stephen' arm tightly.]

STEPHEN:  
[crying] It's going to be alright, Linda. Some of the best doctors around are here, so... Let's let them worry about Butters...

[A shadow falls upon their sitting forms.]

DR. DOCTOR:  
[off screen] Are you Stephen and Linda Stotch?

[The two worried parents stand, all the while hugging each other.]

STEPHEN:  
[crying] Yes, we are.

[After Linda sniffles and wipes some tears from her eyes, the camera turns to Dr. Doctor, who is wearing a false nose and glasses.]

DR. DOCTOR:  
Well, I'm afraid that I have some bad news...

STEPHEN:  
[sniffs] Kuh-could you tell us without the nose? It's kinda of disturbing.

DR. DOCTOR:  
Ooh, really?

[He takes off the said object and tosses it to an old lady who gets hit in the face.]

DR. DOCTOR:  
Anyway, I have some bad news. [downcast] I'm afraid your son...is going to be all right.

LINDA:  
[shocked] And that's a bad thing?

DR. DOCTOR:  
[holds up a hand] We've done everything we could, but... [crying] ...little Rupert is still going to be all right. I'm sorry. If there's anything I can--

LINDA:  
But our son's name is Butters!

STEPHEN:  
Yes! Leopold "Butters" Stotch!

DR. DOCTOR:  
[looks down at his clipboard] Ooh, sorry. I read the wrong chart. [flips through a few pages] Oh! Here! Butters... I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that there isn't much the hospital can do for him... If he stays in this condition, he could die within a year...

STEPHEN:  
[hopeful] Then there's still time to find a cure to whatever?

DR. DOCTOR:  
I said "year", didn't I? Damn! Damn! DAMN!!! I meant to say "week"! I always get those two confused!

LINDA:  
[buries her head into Stephen' shoulder, crying] Our baby's going to die!

DR. DOCTOR:  
[smiles comfortingly] The only thing I can suggest is that you visit the mystic Aeris Gainsborough in town. Maybe she can help you.

STEPHEN:  
[pissed] A psychic? You expect us to go to a psychic to get help for Butters?

DR. DOCTOR:  
[shocked] Well, yes. I do.

STEPHEN:  
[pissed] But he's right here! Why the hell can't you do anything?

DR. DOCTOR:  
[now wearing a clown nose and red wig] Woo. Hey. Your son's condition is a supernatural problem, not a medical one. The hospital, or any it's doctors, nurses, staff, etcetera, is not trained to hospitalize the supernaturally ailing. I'm sorry... We'll do what we can to see that he goes peacefully...and then bill you for our efforts.

[After the doctor walks away, cut to a close up of Stephen' face as he stares angrily ahead.]

DR. DOCTOR:  
[off screen] Ooh! Hey, there! I'm afraid I have bad news... Your husband--

WOMAN:  
[off screen, crying] Could you take that nose and wig off, please? It's unsettling...

[As his eye twitches in anger, the background suddenly changes to that of a glass door with a sunny Main Street behind it.]

[SCENE: The Mystic Aeris' Flower and Planet Reading Emporium.  
When Stephen turns to Linda, the camera zooms out revealing the shop to be filled with flowers of all kinds and colors. Pink velvet draperies hang on the walls, as do bead ropes.]

STEPHEN:  
Linda, I'm really unsure about this.

LINDA:  
We don't really have much of a choice.

STEPHEN:  
[downcast] I know... That doesn't change how I feel, though...

[As the two nervously walk further into the shop, a picture of a blonde spiky haired young man wielding a huge broadsword can be seen in the background.]

LINDA:  
I wonder if he/she/it is even here?

STEPHEN:  
With all these flowers, it must be a she... And she must be here if the door was unlocked.

YOUNG WOMAN:  
[off screen] Hello?

[When Stephen' jaw drops in awe, Linda casually reaches over and lifts said jaw up with one hand.]

LINDA:  
Are you...Aeris?

[The camera quickly whirls around revealing a young woman dressed in an unbuttoned red vest nestled overtop a pink dress. Her long brown hair, done up in a fancy ponytail, dangles down to the small of her back. She smiles brightly at the two; her blue-green eyes twinkling.]

AERIS:  
I am her.

[She motions to a nearby table, where positioned around it are three chairs.]

AERIS:  
Please, have a seat.

[Stephen and Linda questioningly look at each other, shrug, and then sit in the chairs.]

STEPHEN:  
[still awestruck] Wow... I thought you would have been--

AERIS:  
\--an ancient hag? [sits down opposite of the two] No. I'm twenty-two, thank you. And since you're here, I'm assuming that you need a reading of some sort. Yes?

LINDA:  
[nods] Yes... We-- We want to know how to save our darling Butters...

AERIS:  
[puzzled] Butter? Like liquid margarine?

STEPHEN:  
Butters is the name of our son...

AERIS:  
Oh! Oh, wow! [mutters] What a strange name... Well, not like "Aerith" is any better... [normal] Okie! I'll communicate with the Planet to see what it has to say. [holds out a hand] That'll be twenty-five dollars, please.

STEPHEN:  
Our son's in danger and you want us to pay you?

AERIS:  
Hey, buddy! I'm offering you a service here. That and I need to make a living, too. I can't just pull food out of my well toned butt!

[Stephen rolls his eyes, reluctantly pulls his wallet out, and drops the requested amount into the mystic's eagerly awaiting hand. Said mystic squeals in excitement and stuffs the money down between her breasts.]

AERIS:  
[takes a deep breath] Okay.

[After she brings her hands to her temples and closes her eyes, loud screeches fill the room causing Stephen and Linda to painfully cringe and cover their ears.]

STEPHEN:  
[pained] What the hell is that?

AERIS:  
[opens an eye] The Planet. Uh, hello?

[After a few more moments, the screeching comes to a halt. Aeris opens her eyes, smiles, and nods to the Stotches.]

LINDA:  
What did it say?

[Aeris takes another deep breath, pulls a set of darts from nowhere, and throws them all at the same time in the direction of a picture on the wall. The darts all imbed themselves into a young dark haired woman's face.]

AERIS:  
[giggles deviously] Ha! Take that, you big boobed bimbo! [normally, to the Stotches] Hee! The Planet has spoken, so I'll tell you of the many things regarding your son that will happen.

[Cut to Hell as Satan still struggles with the pan he was scrubbing earlier.]

AERIS:  
[voice over] A demon is out for your son's blood. His illness is a mark, signifying that he has been chosen.

STEPHEN:  
[voice over] But...why? Why Butters?

AERIS:  
[voice over] The answer from the Planet was unclear to me, but I do know this much; if your son is left unprotected, an era of darkness will spread across the land.

[Satan gives up on the pan and tosses it in the garbage can.]

SATAN:  
I think I'll start using those non-stick teflon pans.

[Cut to the fourth grade classroom, where all the kids, except Butters, are seated in their desks. Pip looks sadly at the empty desk and silently sighs.]

STEPHEN:  
[voice over] Unprotected? Do you mean that he has to wear a condom? [gets smacked] Ow!

LINDA:  
[voice over, pissed] Stephen! [normal] How do you mean "protected"?

[Wendy stands up on her seat and begins addressing the class.]

AERIS:  
[voice over] Somewhere in South Park are eight children who have a hidden power to stand up against the evil. And stand up against it they will. But for your son's safety, a price will be paid.

[As Wendy gestures excitedly, the others look at her with blank expressions.]

AERIS:  
[voice over] How that price is paid will be entirely up to them.

[Eiko suddenly raises a hand, followed in turn by Stan and Kyle. Cartman looks smugly at them for a moment before going into a fit of laughter. Cut back to the flower shop, where Stephen and Linda are staring at the medium in shock.]

LINDA:  
A price?

STEPHEN:  
What kind of price?

[The three sit in silence for a moment before Aeris sadly looks away from the married couple. Stephen leans over to comfort his wife when she starts crying.]

AERIS:  
The Planet...told me that there is a way to help ease your son's suffering.

STEPHEN:  
[hopeful] Really? Please. Tell us!

AERIS:  
[closes her eyes] Walking the mountain path will be three, who are blind and cannot see the fourth following amidst the trees. At the end of their journey, up on the mountain high, a garden and a house will lie where they will find a demon with one eye. Using combined power, the four will find a flower that can only be touched by one who does not cower. If the four care, they will give Luminaire to the one whose health is not well fared. Of the eight who try to cause the demon bane, one will remember his true self again, but it will be at the price of deaths twain.

[The medium opens her eyes and slouches weakly in her chair.]

AERIS:  
[weakly] Wow... That's rough.

STEPHEN:  
[skeptical] A flower? You've got to be kidding me.

LINDA:  
[wipes tears from her eyes] Stephen... We have to try anything at this point.

STEPHEN:  
[sighs] You're right.

LINDA:  
Ms. Aeris... You-- You don't know who any of these children are?

AERIS:  
The only thing I can say is that your question will be answered after you arrive to where you are returning.

  
[SCENE: Hell's Pass Hospital  
During the establishing shot Stan, Kyle, Wendy, and Eiko walk up to the entrance. Cut to Butters' room, where a worried Stephen and Linda sit on either side of the bed and stare silently at their unseen child.]

LINDA:  
[softly] Butters...

[The door opens and a nurse walks in followed by Stan, Kyle, Wendy, and Eiko.]

NURSE:  
Here he is, kids.

WENDY:  
Thank you.

[After the nurse steps out of the room and gently closes the door, Stan nervously raises a hand in greeting.]

STAN:  
[nervously] Uh, huh-hi, Mr. and Mrs. Stotch. We, uh...

WENDY:  
We came to see Butters, if, um, that's all right.

[The two distraught parents only nod and continue staring. After the four kids look at each other and shrug, Stan walks over to a chair, pushes it to the bed, and hops up to look upon Butter's unconscious form. When the camera cuts to an angle looking down upon the sick boy, Kyle has climbed up and joined Stan on the chair. Bandages, stained red with an overabundance of soaked up blood, wrap Butters' entire being; leaving only his face uncovered.]

STAN:  
[looks away] Jesus... I think I'm gonna be sick...

KYLE:  
[closes his eyes] Good Lord...

[On the opposite side of the screen, another chair is slid up to the bed. Wendy crawls up, followed shortly by Eiko.]

EIKO:  
[downcast] Oyamaa...

[Of the four, Wendy is the only one who is silent about Butters' condition. She performs a Hail Mary and then bows her head.]

STAN:  
[downcast] Dude... I actually feel bad for making fun of him all those times.

KYLE:  
[downcast] Yeah, dude... All those times he stuck by us, and we just shoved him down into the dirt, like he was a dog.

STAN:  
[downcast] Scratch that, dude... I don't feel bad. I feel horrible.

KYLE:  
[downcast] Watashimomata...

WENDY:  
What?

KYLE:  
[downcast] I said, "me, too"...

[A few tears begin falling from Eiko's eyes before she envelopes Wendy in a hug and buries her face in the other girl's shoulder.]

EIKO:  
[crying] Poor Reoporudo-kun!

WENDY:  
[downcast] Butters...

STEPHEN:  
[downcast, off screen] The doctors...can't help him.

[The four kids look up at the adults with shock.]

STAN:  
[shocked] They-- They can't do anything?

STEPHEN:  
[downcast] They tried, but... We saw a medium and she gave us an alternative...

KYLE:  
What is it and how can we help?

[Stephen points out the window to a nearby snow capped mountain.]

STEPHEN:  
[downcast] We need someone to travel to the top of the mountain to get a special flower that can help him get better.

WENDY:  
[determined] Then we'll gather all the kids and do what we can!

STEPHEN:  
[downcast] There's more though...

[Cut to a foggy area, where a silhouetted figure stands before a light of some kind and casts his shadow across the fog swirling in the air.]

STEPHEN:  
[voice over, downcast] She told us that someone is after Butters. Someone from the supernatural realm.

KYLE:  
[voice over, frightened] Soo-supernatural?

[After the figure silently laughs, cut back to the hospital room as Linda covers her face with her hands.]

STEPHEN:  
What was the other thing she said? Lin-- [looks to his wife] Linda?

LINDA:  
"Walking the mountain path will be three, who are blind and cannot see the fourth following amidst the trees."

[Cross-fade to a close up of Stan and Kyle as they stare at Linda with determination.]

LINDA:  
[voice over] "At the end of their journey, up on the mountain high, a garden and a house will lie where they will find a demon with one eye."

[Cross-fade to Wendy, who is unsure of how to react to Eiko's crying into her shoulder. A moment passes and she slowly and gently wraps her arms around the other girl. After she looks up at Linda, her eyes become misty as well.]

LINDA:  
[voice over] "Using combined power, the four will find a flower that will only be touched by one who does not cower."

[Cross-fade to Pip as he silently walks down a snowy road to his home, the orphanage. He stops, looks around for a moment, shrugs it off, and then continues walking.]

LINDA:  
[voice over] "If the four care, they will give Luminaire to the one whose health is not well fared."

[Cross-fade to a white rose-like flower growing on a mountainous outcropping despite the snow covering the land. As it billows in the slight breeze, a petal breaks free and flies into the sky so blue.]

LINDA:  
[voice over] "Of the eight who try to cause the demon bane, one will remember his true self again, but it will be at the price of deaths twain."

[Cross-fade to the ill boy in his hospital bed and his four visitors. The conscious kids share a concerned look with each other. After Stan raises an eyebrow, cut to the hospital foyer, where the four have stopped to discuss the situation.]

EIKO:  
[worriedly] "...the price of death's twain?"

STAN:  
What does THAT mean?

WENDY:  
I think "twain" in this context means..."two".

KYLE:  
[worriedly] Wait. So...someone's...going to die?

[The other three stare at Kyle with frightened looks.]

STAN:  
[low] Dude...

EIKO:  
[low] Oyamaa... I do not like this.

[Wendy brings her hands to the small of her back.]

WENDY:  
[worriedly] I-- I think we shouldn't worry about it. Let's focus on Butters instead.

KYLE:  
[worriedly] Yeah. [forced laughter] Maybe-- Maybe that psychic is wrong about it.

[Stan turns to walk through the revolving doors, but stops and turns his head to look at the others.]

STAN:  
[downcast] Kyle... Let's hope you're right.

  
[SCENE: Playground  
Stan and Kyle are standing on a few milk crates placed in the center of a large crowd of kids.]

CAPTION:  
Next Day

[After the noise from the crowd settles down, Stan and Kyle share a look, whisper some words to another, and then nod in unison. They turn to regard the crowd.]

STAN:  
Alright, you guys. Here's the story.

KYLE:  
Butters...is really sick; almost to the point of dying. Even though we really don't care for him that much--

CARTMAN:  
[mutters] I know I don't. Stupid-ass melvin...

KYLE:  
\--we feel that we should do something to help him.

STAN:  
Right. He may be a stupid, dense, and annoying geek-oid, but he's...still one of us.

[Craig raises a hand.]

KYLE:  
[points] Craig?

CRAIG:  
Uh, nobody cares...

KYLE:  
[annoyed] Yeah, we realize that. But, I mean, seriously, does the kid deserve to die?

CARTMAN:  
[calling out through cupped hands] Yes!

[Eiko gives Cartman an annoyed look and, then, bashes him across the face with a paper fan.]

EIKO:  
[pissed] Bakayarou!

CARTMAN:  
[clutching his bleeding nose] What the fuck was that for?!

EIKO:  
[pissed] For being an uncaring chipatama!

STAN:  
Look, people. Look at the big picture here. Someone we know is dying and, here, we have a chance to save him. If we can do something, don't you think we should?

KYLE:  
Yeah! Besides, this is the chance to make ourselves look more responsible than our parents.

CLYDE:  
[raises a hand] So?

[When Stan sighs, he bows his head and slumps his shoulders.]

STAN:  
For the longest time, I never really thought much of Butters. I always saw him as the stupid annoying melvin with a speech impediment. I looked down upon him. I called him names.

[Cut to a camera slowly panning across the crowd of kids as their expressions change to either sadness or regret.]

STAN:  
[voice over] And when Kenny went on vacation to Haiti a few months back, I even pretended to be his friend, just-- just so our group would be complete with a fourth person. But, yesterday... After seeing him...wrapped in bloody bandages...and still bleeding...

[At the end of the pan, Cartman, nose dripping with blood, crosses his arms and pouts. Cut back to Stan as he lifts his head up to regard the crowd; his left eye twitching.]

STAN:  
...I realized just how wrong it was to treat him that way. All these years, he wasn't trying to piss us off, he-- He just wanted to fit in; to be a part of the crowd. Granted, my opinion of Butters has changed slightly, but that doesn't mean I want to be his best buddy now. He's still dense, annoying, and...a melvin.

KYLE:  
[quickly] Not to mention the biggest doofus in the known solar system.

STAN:  
However, he doesn't deserve to die. I don't care who you are; melvin, nerd, geek, goth, jock, prep, or whatever. No one deserves to die. Everyone...deserves a chance to experience life. Just realize, that it could be YOU lying in that hospital bed and not Butters.

CARTMAN:  
[off screen, shouting] Oh, boo hoo! Let's all give a big hand to Stan who has just proved himself to be a big fuckin' hippie!

[The kids fan out away from Cartman as he takes a few steps forward and wipes away the blood running from his nose.]

CARTMAN:  
[mutters] God dammit. [normal] People fuckin' die, dipshit! God, don't you freakin' get it? It's th' way of this god damned world; we're born and then we die. If you didn't have yer peace lovin' head so far yer GOD DAMN ASS, you'd FREAKIN' realize that! [high pitched mocking] Oh, no! Look at me! I'm Stan an' I'm a peace lovin' hippie! No one should die, 'cuz I like to hug trees and my stupid ass hippie girlfriend all day long! Let's all save the annoying melvin, 'cuz it's a cause that I just have to be a part of! Oh...my...GOD!

[As Stan and Kyle glare angrily at Cartman, Wendy steps up next to them; a scowl on her face.]

CARTMAN:  
[voice over, normal voice] If nobody died, what would that leave us? A world full of people who don't need to be here. I mean, god damn, it's bad enough we have fuckin' old people! I mean, for God's sake! Would you want to live in a world where everyone lived forEVER? People die for a FRICKIN' reason, assholes!

[Cut back to Cartman to find that he had taken off his gloves and shoved them up his nostrils to stop the bleeding.]

CARTMAN:  
[nasally] And that reason is...to prevent overpopulation! But it's because of hippies like YOU wanting ta save everyone, that our planet is overpopulated as it is!

WENDY:  
[pissed] What the fuck do you know, Cart--

CARTMAN:  
[nasally, pissed] What do I know? I'll fuckin' tell ya! Letting Butters die isn't gonna hurt the human population! We've got more than enough to cover for his melvin ass! [looks smug] So, ha! Just 'cuz I act like a dumbass, doesn't mean that I am one, cunt! I watch the Discovery Channel just like you! So back the hell off! [points to his ass] Eat my ass! [points to the camera] And then go fuck yourselves!

WENDY:  
[pissed] But Cartman--

CARTMAN:  
[nasally] Can your hippie-babble, you hemp smokin' bitch! I don't give a rat's ass about you, your stupid ass cause, or Butters! Now, if you'll excuse me, it's Saturday morning and Terrance and Phillip is on. [points upwards] Sca-rew ya guys... [points screen right] I'm-a goin' home... [walks off screen right]

KYLE:  
[waves a fist, pissed] Yeah! Real fucking compassionate, Cartman!

CARTMAN:  
[off screen, faint, shouting] Drink my pee, Jew!

[Wendy rolls her eyes and then steps in front of Stan.]

WENDY:  
[mutters] Fucking Cartman... [normal] Alright. Here's what we know; a demon of some kind is after Butters.

STAN:  
[waves an atlas in the air] And in order to cure his illness, we need to go to the top of Mount Midgar to get the cure; which is a flower of all things.

KYLE:  
But because something's after Butters, someone needs to stay behind to watch over him.

WENDY:  
We're going to split into two groups. Group one will head for Mount Midgar. Group two will stay at the hospital. Any volunteers for group one?

[After the camera quickly pans over the crowd, it stops on a determined looking Pip.]

PIP:  
[eagerly raises a hand] I'll go!

TWEEK:  
[off screen] Argh!

[Cut to elsewhere in the crowd to find a nervously twitching Tweek.]

TWEEK:  
[twitching] You-- You can count me in!

EIKO:  
[off screen] Hai! And me!

[Cut to Eiko as she reaches back to draw a sword--]

EIKO:  
Do not forget me!

[--and socks Kenny in the face with the hilt when she pulls it out. As his eyes roll in circles and he totters on his feet, little birdie sounds are heard. When he falls over face first, she looks down at him confused.]

EIKO:  
[concerned] Oyamaa! Kenny-kun, what is wrong?

[Cut to Stan as he leans in closer to Kyle.]

STAN:  
[low] Dude, is it just me, or is she getting stupider?

KYLE:  
[blinks, low] Dude, that's my girlfriend you're talking about!

STAN:  
[low] Oh, right.

[He takes a step away from Kyle and pulls out a mini tape recorder.]

STAN:  
[low, into the mini recorder] Note to self: Cartman was right. Eiko IS an airhead.

WENDY:  
Pip, Tweek, and Eiko... Anyone else?

[A camera pans across the nervous looking crowd. A few kids shake their heads, while others just fidget uncomfortably.]

WENDY:  
I see. Then the three of you will be...

[Cut to the members of group one as they come together in a straight line.]

WENDY:  
[voice over] ..."The Fellowship...That Goes to Get the Flower".

[Pip bows his head as Tweek nervously tilts his head to one side in a spasm attack.]

PIP:  
We shall do our best, Miss Wendy!

TWEEK:  
Gah! Too much pressure!

WENDY:  
[smirks] Good luck, group one! Now, any volunteers for group two?

[Crickets begin to chirp as snow blows across the scene, reminiscent to a tumbleweed.]

WENDY:  
[blinks] Hey...

STAN:  
Dude... [blinks] They all left.

WENDY:  
When the hell did that happen?

[When a crowd shot is again shown, Pip, Tweek, Eiko, and Kenny are the only ones left. Kenny looks around, confused.]

KENNY:  
[Where'd everyone go?]

KYLE:  
I guess it's us protecting Butters from the forces of evil, then.

WENDY:  
[shouting through cupped hands] Thanks for caring, you FUCKS!!! [lowers her hands, hushed] Assholes...

  
[SCENE: Unknown  
A bright light, positioned somewhere in the dense fog, prevents a lone figure from being totally seen as he/she/it walks closer to the camera.]

FAMILIAR VOICE:  
Heh. Go ahead, dudes. Protect your precious little melvin. It won't do you any good, 'cause he's still...going to die. Yeah, dude. He's going to die...by my hand and return to Hell with ME. [laughs] Dude, that'll be so frickin' sweet. How about that, God? You like that, you ass? [mockingly] Me raining death and destruction upon your precious Earth? Really, do-- do you like that? I do. [pissed] Ha! Asshole! I'll show you what happens when you screw me over! When Satan gives me my power, I'll...do a bunch of crazy stuff...and...kill people! Yeah! And there's not a damn thing your "chosen ones" can do about it! [flips off the sky] So...FUCK...YOU.

[After the shadowy figure turns to walk away, he turns his head back to look at the camera once more.]

FAMILIAR VOICE:  
You douchebags wanna fight for the life of your stupid melvin? Then you better prepare yourselves for a fucking battle. [pauses] Speaking of which, I should do the same.

[The figure disappears into the mist with maniacal laughter.]

FAMILIAR VOICE:  
[sing songly] I hope you dudes remember how to fight! 'Cause I do!

[As the light in the swirling mist starts to fade, Pip can be seen walking through it.]

PIP:  
Oh, my... Are we sure we 'ave everything?

[When he stops walking, the mist begins to dissipate, revealing him, Tweek, and Eiko on a bright and sunny Main Street. Added to their persons are backpacks and weapons; Pip with a bow and a quiver of arrows, Tweek with an extra large and extra long monkey wrench.]

TWEEK:  
[twitches] Geh! Weh-well, we have weapons!

EIKO:  
Hai! [triumphantly holds up an atlas] And we have a map!

PIP:  
Yes! We must cherish that like we do our own lives!

TWEEK:  
[pulls on hair] Argh!

PIP:  
Oh! Does everyone have provisions in their packs?

EIKO:  
Hai!

[Tweek takes off his pack and begins to rummage through it like a man possessed.]

TWEEK:  
Oh, Jesus! I'd better make sure I have everything! [twitches] Ah! What-- What if I forgot something?! Oh, God! [pulls on hair] I could starve like a stray dog! [screams]

EIKO:  
[blinks] Oh, Tweek-kun... Pip and I prepared your pack for you.

TWEEK:  
[looks up at Eiko, twitches] Gah! Even more of a reason to go through it! What if you packed something I don't like?! Oh, sweet Jesus! I don't think I can eat something I don't like! That's way too much pressure!

[He pulls out a container of rice.]

TWEEK:  
[screams] What is this? What is this?! Are these maggots?! [twitches] Gah! I hate maggots!

[When he screams again, he drops the container to the ground. Eiko bends down, retrieves said object, and holds it protectively.]

EIKO:  
Tweek-kun... It is rice. A meal is not complete without rice.

TWEEK:  
[shaking] Ruh-rice? It's not maggots that'll eat my flesh?

EIKO:  
[confused] I do not think so...

[When she holds up the clear container up to her face to eye it more closely, Pip rolls his eyes.]

PIP:  
Oh, bother...

EIKO:  
Oh! [smiles brightly] Hee! It is rice!

TWEEK:  
[shaking] Oh, thank you, Jesus!

PIP:  
Well, on that note, I say we continue our grand old journey!

[Tweek picks his pack up and slings it over a shoulder.]

TWEEK:  
[twitches] Argh! Leh-let's go!

[The three start walking again towards the outskirts of town and pass by the many adults, who are standing around with nothing to do.]

ADULT MAN 1:  
Whoa, hey, where're those kids going?

ADULT MAN 2:  
Haven't you heard? That little Stotch kid came down with a supernatural sickness.

ADULT WOMAN:  
Yeah! And they say that only the children can save him!

ADULT MAN 1:  
Really? The children? Those irresponsible little douchebags?

ADULT MAN 2:  
Well, all I know is, it's not me going up to that mountain.

ADULT WOMAN:  
Me either.

ADULT MAN 2:  
[looks around nervously] I have...stuff to do...

ADULT WOMAN:  
[surprised] Really? I have to...do stuff, too.

ADULT MAN 1:  
Wow! What an amazing coincidence! I've gotta do stuff, too!

ADULT MAN 2:  
Hey! I've got a great idea! Let's do stuff together!

[Cut to the three kids as they near the town limits.]

PIP:  
So does anyone have any suggestions on how to pass the time?

TWEEK:  
[twitches] Argh!

PIP:  
Oh...

[Once they pass out of the shot, the camera rotates to watch them walk down the road.]

EIKO:  
[squeals] I am having so much fun!

TWEEK:  
Gah! How could you be having fun?! We haven't done anything! We-- We're just walking down a road! Gah! Are you INSANE?!

EIKO:  
I am just having fun, Tweek-kun!

[Tweek grabs his hair and screams.]

PIP:  
Oh! I do say! This adventure's going to be as fun a Wickershams and Ducklers!

TWEEK:  
[nervously] Ah! Ducks?! Where?! The ducks are out to get me! [screams]

KYLE:  
[voice over] As I made my way to the hospital with Stan, Wendy, and Kenny, I couldn't help but feel that our time together on the playground would be the last time I'd see them alive again.

EIKO:  
[giggles] Tweek-kun! You're so funny!

KYLE:  
[voice over] Pip...Tweek... Eiko... Please... Be safe.

[End Amidst the Shadows]


	24. Misty Mountain Hop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Chrono Trigger Saga, Part 2. Walking the Mountain Path, Chapter 2.
> 
> Pip, Tweek, and Eiko travel up Mount Midgar, and face a few dangers along the way, to retrieve that which Butters needs to survive.

I brought my forehead to the streak-free glass window and rested it there. I looked down upon the hospital parking lot and silently wondered what a fall from the fourth floor would be like. I sighed and hopped down from the heating register. We had watched them leave the playground with heavy hearts. We all had the feeling that we were sending them to their deaths. Kyle, however, was more distraught than the rest of us. Despite the fact he tried being cheerful about the ordeal, we could see it in his eyes; his regret for not going with them to be with Eiko in what might be her last moments. After his quote/unquote “rainy day” experience as he calls it, he swore to not let himself travel down the road of depression again. It’s only been three hours and already he looks as though he’s having trouble staying afloat in the body of water that is his mind. I looked over at him as he poured through a pile of library books with Wendy. At least the two with book smarts have something to occupy themselves with, unlike me… I looked up at Kenny, who was standing on a chair and looking down at Butters with an expression equivalent to that of shock. He hadn’t been with us the last time we were here to visit. I wonder… Did my face look like that when I first saw him?

“I’m going for a walk,” I spoke to no one in particular. Wendy and Kyle were too absorbed in their learning processes to acknowledge me. Kenny, on the other hand, looked up and then hopped down from his chair. He pulled his hood back and ran a hand through his messy blonde hair.

“I’ll come with you, dude.” He grinned at me when I nodded my head. “I think I saw a vending machine down in the lobby.”

Yeah, I could use some sugar to energize me. This waiting around for something to happen is boring… Great… I probably just jinxed us. Now we’re gonna get bombarded with demon opponents. Maybe I should shut up while I’m still ahead. Before me and Kenny made our way out the door, I turned back to my best friend and my girlfriend. “Hey.” The two did not acknowledge me, just as I thought they wouldn’t. I gave Kenny an annoyed look and he shot back a shrug. “Hey, bookworms!” I said this time slightly louder. Wendy stopped reading her book and looked up at me with glazed eyes; the result of too much reading. She blinked and then nudged Kyle, who in turn, looked up from his own reading material. “Me an’ Kenny are going down to the lobby to get stuff from the vending machines. You guys want anything?”

A few minutes later, we found ourselves walking down a corridor reeking of disinfectant. How can anybody stand the smell for five minutes, let alone eight/nine hours, maybe even a whole week or more? I’d go insane, dude. I can’t stand hospitals. The smell, the faint possibility that I might see blood, the sounds of machines beeping, machine induced breathing, people moaning in pain… That scares me the most. Kenny must have sensed my unease, despite my efforts to hide it, and placed an arm around my shoulders to comfort me. He pointed up ahead to a pair of heavy metal doors at the end of the hallway. “Hey, look,” he stated casually, “There’s the elevators.” The elevators, my salvation that will lead me away from this pain ridden land known as Floor Four.

As we walked, I suddenly realized something. Why us? Why were we the ones charged with the task of saving and protecting Butters? What about the adults of the town? Are they really so dumb that God doesn’t trust them enough to get them involved? In my mind’s eye, I was suddenly surrounded by clouds and the sky that is so blue. My dream… Or maybe this…is my reason for existing? Crap, dude. I don’t have any answers. I decided to share my concerns with Kenny. He’s the deep thinker of the group most of the time; only speaking when he deems it to be necessary. Maybe he can shed some light on this.

Kenny brought his hands behind his head to form a bow-like shape with his arms and head and rolled his eyes back and forth a few times as he contemplated his responses. Had I not been in a serious mood, I would have laughed at the odd thinking expression on his face. It’s rare when Kenny unshields himself and allows us to see what lies underneath the mask. Usually when he does, we’re roaring with laughter from his crazy over-exaggerated facial expressions. I wish he’d take the hood off more often, but it’s his thing, I guess. When we reached the elevators, I tapped the call button to bring the elevator to our floor.

“Hey, Stan… I think I figured it out.”

I looked over at Kenny. He had long since dropped his arms to his sides and was now watching me with a raised eyebrow. Damn, that was quick. “Lay it on me, dude,” I replied as a loud “PING” filled the corridor. The two of us entered the elevator thingy and then I prepared myself for an answer that would put everything into perspective.

_____________________________________________________________

  
[SCENE: Stark’s Pond - Midday  
During the establishing shot, Gregory, skating across the vast sheet of ice, leaps into the air and twirls about. After landing and coming to a stand still, he brings his right foot up to his left knee and raises an arm up above his head.]

GEGORY:  
[dramatically] And the crowd cheers for Gregory, as he yet again, wins another gold medal for the United States. [bows] Such a graceful performance!

[The boy looks up, alarmed, when he hears the soft crunching of boots walking slowly over week old snow. He looks around as a lone unseen person claps for his performance.]

GREGORY:  
Who are you? [turns around] Show yourself.

FAMILIAR VOICE:  
[off screen] Show myself? [reverse echoes] Dude, I’m right here.

[Standing behind Gregory’s shocked face and amongst the evergreen trees is Stan; his face shrouded in darkness and a night black stone hanging from a chain around his neck. The dark blue and muddy brown clad boy stops clapping and shrugs.]

STAN:  
That was a pretty cool performance you gave, dude. Have you ever thought about going professional?

GREGORY:  
[turns to face Stan] I have thought about it, yes.

[Go to an extreme close up of Stan’s lips as they curl into a smile.]

STAN:  
So… You have dreams and hopes then. Cool, dude. Cool.

GREGORY:  
[off screen] Look. Enough of this gay banter. You are obviously here for a reason. After all, you did sneak up on me.

STAN:  
Dude, you are so right. I’m actually here for many reasons. One of them being…you…

[Gregory glares at Stan and angrily points to himself.]

GREGORY:  
[scoffs] Me? What could a ninny such as yourself want with me? Unless of course you wish to apologize to me.

STAN:  
Apologize? To you? Dude, are you off your rocker? You’ve tried to steal Wendy away from me. You’ve belittled me countless times in front of my friends. …You’ve even called me unpo-lit-i-cal. And you want ME to say “I’m sorry” to YOU? [waves a finger] Uh, sorry, dude. I believe YOU owe ME the apology.

GREGORY:  
[glares] And if I refuse?

STAN:  
I kick your ass. It’s your choice… [reverse echoes] …“ninny”.

GREGORY:  
You? Fight? [laughs] I’ve seen you make attempts to do so in months past. You can barely lift a sword, let alone fight with one. Ha! I gladly accept your challenge to a duel.

STAN:  
Wrong choice, bud.

GREGORY:  
[smirks] Hmmph. I’ll have you know, I studied fencing at Yardale where I have a four-point-oh--

[When Stan turns his head to the right to look at his out-stretched hand, a large broadsword, made of tempered steel and stained crimson with the blood of many, suddenly materializes in his grip. After smirking quite deviously, his eye turns back to look at the boy standing on the ice.]

STAN:  
[mockingly] I’m sorry, Greg. The correct answer was: [imitates Gregory perfectly] “I’m sorry for being an asshole, Stan. I’ll be sure to lick your boots for the rest of my life!”

GREGORY:  
[takes a step back in fear] You--

STAN:  
[still imitating Gregory] “That was the one thing I learned at my precious Yardale! [pauses] Not only to be an asshole, but to take it there as well!”

[Stan turns his face back towards Gregory and steps out of the darkness of the trees, revealing his right eye and the surrounding facial area to be completely gone. A cockroach crawls out from the hole and runs down his face and neck until it disappears underneath his coat. Maggots can be seen feeding off the damaged flesh that was once his eye.]

GREGORY:  
[frightened] You’re not…human!

STAN:  
[cocks his head at an impossible angle] Oh, I used to be, but you know that kinda changed after Cartman killed me out of spite and God decided he didn’t want me around. [smiles, reverse echoes] Hi! I’m the kid formerly known as Stan Marsh!

[After Gregory, in utter fear, turns to skate away, “Stan” looks around as if hearing something.]

“STAN”:  
[reverse echoes] What’s that? You want to play? [pauses] By all means…

[A black wind blows ferociously through the surreal scene that is Stark’s Pond. Trees start bending at extreme angles; snow begins flying. Two mists, black as the ace of spades, materialize from the sword and fly towards Gregory at an alarming speed. As he skates, he turns to look back and screams. The black mists get closer and closer until blood splatters across the pond’s snowy bank and Gregory’s screams of terror come to a halt. An ice skate, still attached to a foot, slowly slides to the bloody bank. “Stan”, grinning broadly and sinisterly, starts to walk out on the ice.]

“STAN”:  
Well. It was as I thought.

[He stops walking and looks down at what is presumably Gregory’s body.]

“STAN”:  
[low] Pompous asshole. [snickers] How ironic. You said that I couldn’t raise a sword…yet…lookie what I have here.

[When he slides the sword into the sheath on his back, the black wind suddenly stops.]

“STAN”:  
Pathetic human garbage. [grins and his one pupil grows smaller] Heh. [reverse echoes] You were my second target, Gregory…but soon…I’ll take it all out to the curb.

[The handle of the sword begins to pulsate with a black light.]

“STAN”:  
Masao. Kyomune. Did you two have fun?

YOUNG BOY’S FAMILIAR VOICE:  
[whining] More! Wanna pway…

YOUNG GIRL’S FAMILIAR VOICE:  
We wanna play some more…

“STAN”:  
Oh, don’t have a cow, dudes… You’ll get to play again…very soon.

[“Stan” kicks Gregory as the two black mists fly up near his face and then disappear into the glowing sword handle.]

“STAN”:  
Freakin’ pansy…

[The light dissipates as the undead boy makes his way back to the darkness of the evergreens.]

“STAN”:  
[reverse echoes] It’s a shame that…our last playmate didn’t follow our rules quite like this fag.

  
[SCENE: Hell’s Pass Hospital  
Stan and the unhooded Kenny step out of the elevator, each with armloads of snacks.]

STAN:  
Wow… I didn’t see it that way before.

KENNY:  
Well, I’m glad I was able to help.

STAN:  
Dude, so am I. You won’t believe how much better I feel now!

[Before they can walk into the main hallway, a nurse wheeling an occupied hospital bed strides by.]

NURSE:  
Don’t you worry now, Token. You’ll be in your room in no time, and then I’ll turn on the TV--

[A groan is the only response from the bed. After they pass, Stan and Kenny step out into the hallway to watch the nurse walk away.]

STAN:  
Dude… Was that really Token? From school?

KENNY:  
[shrugs] Yeah, that nurse has a hot ass.

STAN:  
[gives Kenny an annoyed look] I was talking about Token.

KENNY:  
[blinks] What? Oh, yeah. Sure.

STAN:  
Do you even have any idea of what I was talking about?

KENNY:  
Only one way to find out. [walks off]

STAN:  
But-- [pissed] Dammit! I hate it when you do that! Kenny!

[After Stan runs off to follow Kenny, return to Butters’ room where Wendy and Kyle are sitting on the floor and pouring over the many different kinds of reading material.]

WENDY:  
[excited] Oooooh! Kyle! Listen to this! [reading] “In 1865, a man was recorded--”

[She looks up at Kyle to see if he is listening and then frowns.]

WENDY:  
Kyle?

[He looks up, wipes a tear from his eye, and gives an empty smile.]

KYLE:  
I’m sorry…

WENDY:  
Kyle… What’s wrong?

KYLE:  
I-- [sighs] I’m worried about Eiko. I know she can take care of herself…but still…I worry.

WENDY:  
[attempts to copy Eiko’s animé-ish smile] Eeee dehsoo neh, Kaheeroo!

[Kyle explodes in a fit of laughter.]

WENDY:  
That is what she always says, right?

KYLE:  
Heh, yeah. [grins] Thanks, Wendy.

WENDY:  
You’re welcome.

KYLE:  
But you fell kinda short on that smile though…

WENDY:  
[glares at Kyle] Hmmph.

KYLE:  
…and your pronunciation was a little off.

WENDY:  
[glares more] Oh, shut up, Kyle.

KYLE:  
[blinks] Yes’m.

WENDY:  
Anyway, as I was saying, “In 1865, a man was recorded as having invisible wounds covering his entire body--”

KYLE:  
Dude! That sounds like Butters!

WENDY:  
“--that bled until the man died. Because of the rarity of this disease and poor record keeping, it has not been named nor has a cure been found.”

KYLE:  
That’s pretty heavy.

WENDY:  
Yeah… That poor man… If they had the technological advancements we have now, his suffering could have been lessened to a degree.

KYLE:  
Well, I might have something, too. According to this book on Satanism, [reading] “Blood covering a person’s body is a sign of Satan’s sacrificial choice. The process starts like this: First the sacrifice begins bleeding from wounds that do not exist. Second, a high demon in Satan’s army will come to take the victim’s soul back to the pits of Hades where he/she will spend all of eternity in the eternal flame.”

WENDY:  
[shocked] Oh my god…

KYLE:  
[reading] “This information was taken from actual Satanic documents dating back to the year…” *blink* “…1865…”

WENDY:  
Let me see that!

[She yanks the book from Kyle’s hands--]

KYLE:  
Hey!

[--and flips the page.]

WENDY:  
It says here that the whole purpose of the sacrificial ritual is to scare the believers of God into a panic before Satan assumes his role as ruler of the Earth.

KYLE:  
Holy crap! Again?! Jesus! How many times is that guy gonna try to take over the world in my lifetime?

[Elsewhere, Stan and Kenny, with expressions of concern on their faces, walk out of an occupied hospital room.]

KENNY:  
Fuckin’-a’…

STAN:  
[downcast] He seemed…afraid of me.

KENNY:  
I’m fucking surprised he’s alive…and awake.

STAN:  
[closes eyes] Kenny, I have a bad feeling. I’m the only one in town with a grudge against him… [opens them] …but I didn’t do anything.

KENNY:  
[raises an eyebrow] Are you sure?

STAN:  
[panicking] Dude! I-- I was with you the entire time! You tell me!

KENNY:  
[shrugs] Alright. If you say so, Stan.

STAN:  
[panicking] But it’s true!

KENNY:  
If that’s the case, then why are you freaking out about it?

[Kenny stares at Stan for a moment before turning and walking down the hallway. Stan sighs and closes his eyes.]

STAN:  
[hushed] Because I secretly wanted to do the same thing to him…

[Returning once again to Butters’ room finds Stan, Kyle, Wendy, and Kenny sitting on the floor surrounded by a littering of candy wrappers, potato chip bags, and books.]

WENDY:  
\--and that’s pretty much the whole gist of it.

KYLE:  
Yeah. The problem, though, is we’re not sure what this sacrifice is for. One book said that the sacrifice has to die for the humans to continue living in peace, while another said worldwide genocide would result if the sacrifice were to die.

WENDY:  
Maybe the second only happens if the demon kills him.

STAN:  
[confused] Who did what now?

BUTTERS:  
[weakly] Whuh-where am I?

[The four kids look up at the bed in shock.]

STAN:  
[slowly] Butters?

KYLE:  
[slowly] You’re awake…

BUTTERS:  
[weakly] Oh, huh-hiya, fellahs.

[The four on the floor stand and make their way over to the bed; Stan and Wendy on one side and Kyle and Kenny on the other.]

WENDY:  
Butters? How are you feeling?

BUTTERS:  
[weakly] Guh-guys… If I have to die…and it suh-saves all my friends…then buh-by golly, I’m gonna do it.

[The four healthy kids share looks.]

STAN:  
Butters…

WENDY:  
You overheard us. Didn’t you?

  
[SCENE: The Base of Mount Midgar - Night  
Pip and Tweek sit around a roaring fire the crackles loudly and casts its orange glow upon them and the surrounding foliage. Tweek, shaking nervously, jumps at the sound of a faraway bird call.]

TWEEK:  
[frightened] Oh, Jesus! Dih-did that bird sound hungry?!

PIP:  
Oh, I don’t think it did.

TWEEK:  
[pulls on his hair] Argh! What if-- What if it snuck up on us while we were sleeping and ripped the flesh from our bones?! [screams]

PIP:  
Oh, dear… That would be a problem would it not?

TWEEK:  
[spasms] Oh, sweet Jesus! The birds’re out to get me!

[The door flap of the nearby olive green tent raises up and Eiko, clutching a necklace in her hand, steps out. Tweek, still in nervous mode, screams, jumps to his feet, and makes a mad dash behind Pip to hide himself from view.]

TWEEK:  
[screaming] Gah! They’re finally coming for me! [pops his head out from behind Pip’s] You can take me, but spare my underpants! Ack!

[Eiko blinks her eyes in confusion and then slowly looks around.]

EIKO:  
[confused] Tweek-kun, who are you talking to?

TWEEK:  
[falls over] Gah! Stop stealing my underpants! [screams]

EIKO:  
[a large sweatdrop appears next to her head] But I am not stealing your underpants.

PIP:  
[looks at Tweek] Oh… I do believe he’s having delusions again. [sighs]

[Eiko shrugs and, once she sits down, slips the necklace over her head. Attached to the long silver chain is a small green orb the glows with an inner light.]

PIP:  
[awed] Oh! Miss Eiko! What is that around your neck? [leans forward] It’s absolutely beautiful.

EIKO:  
It is a good luck charm I received from my ojiisan called Materia.

[Tweek sits up and vigorously shakes his head to clear his thoughts.]

EIKO:  
There are many different kinds of Materia for the different elements of nature; Water and ice, the life blood of our world; Fire, that which gives us light and keeps us warm; Lightening and wind, the source of power; Holy, the power of the Sun; and Shadow, element of the night. [grins] Hee! I actually forgot about it until I found it in my pack! Okaasama must have put it among my things!

PIP:  
That’s all it is? A good luck charm?

EIKO:  
Hai. [sighs] It has another purpose, but I cannot use it. Oyamaa… I think mine is broken…

TWEEK:  
[tugs at his hair] Argh! May-maybe someone broke it! [spasms] Erk-k-k-k! Gah! It wasn’t me! Don’t hurt me!

EIKO:  
[giggles] Tweek-kun! I would not hurt you. [sternly] Unless you made me angry…

TWEEK:  
Ahh! No way, man! If-- If you hurt me we can’t save Butters!

[The three fall into a moment of silence.]

PIP:  
Oh, I do wonder how Butters is doing.

EIKO:  
Hai. I hope he is all right.

TWEEK:  
[twitches] What-- What d’ya think’s wrong with him?

EIKO:  
I do not know. His ryoushin said that it is because of an akuma.

PIP:  
Oh, please forgive my asking, but what is an “akuma”?

EIKO:  
It is a Japanese word for “demon”.

TWEEK:  
[freaking out] Demon?! Argh! Sweet Jesus! Stay the hell away from me! I’ve lost too many pairs of underpants already! [screams]

PIP:  
[raises an eyebrow] Ah… Right-oh, Tweek… [pauses] But why would a demon be after Butters?

EIKO:  
I do not understand that as well. I am sure Wendy-chan and Kairu-kun can tell us when we return.

[The camera begins to pan back away from the makeshift camp--]

PIP:  
Oh, yes! If anyone can figure that out, they can!

[--until a darkened figure with a familiar shape is seen hiding in a bush away from their field of vision.]

FAMILIAR FIGURE:  
[mutters] God damn stupid ass melvins. I swear to God, Stan and Kyle are fucking morons to let these three douche-bags take care of the flower hunting.

TWEEK:  
[faintly, grabs his hair] Gah! What if Butters is the main course at a barbeque?! Oh God!

FAMILIAR FIGURE:  
[mutters] Sonova bitch… I could be at home, snuggled up on the couch wit’ my wittle kitty…

TWEEK:  
[faintly] We could end up being the dessert! [screams]

FAMILIAR FIGURE:  
[mutters] Oh, no… Instead, I’m here in the middle of butt-fuck-nowhere, baby sittin’ a buncha melvins.

[The figure turns around, revealing a sky blue stocking cap with yellow trim, as a woodland creature is heard going through a pack of some kind.]

FAMILIAR FIGURE:  
[hushed] You fucking raccoon! That’s MY food, god dammit!

[The raccoon looks up from the pack with a box of Cheesy Poofs in its mouth and flips the bird.]

FAMILIAR FIGURE:  
[hushed] Ay! Those’re my Cheesy Poofs! Give those back!

[After the raccoon runs away, cut to a shot of the full moon and the twinkling stars around it as the familiar figure cries out in frustration. As a pack of wolves howls in response to the cry, return to the make-shift campfire where the three kids are looking around in fear.]

PIP:  
[fearfully] What-- What was that?

TWEEK:  
[tugs on his hair] Oh god! It’s the demon coming to eat us! [screams]

  
[SCENE: Main Street - Next Day  
During the establishing shot on Tom’s Rhinoplasty, Sharon Marsh is seen through the window typing at a computer. Kenny and Wendy soon make their way into the shot and down the street.]

WENDY:  
Thank God we got some money from my parents. Christ! Hospital food tastes like food only after so long.

KENNY:  
(Hey, I thought it was good. I mean, compared to frozen waffles doused in salt and pepper, I was eating like a king!)

WENDY:  
I’m sorry that you’re poor, Kenny.

KENNY:  
(Don’t be. I’ll just be that much better than my parents.) [pauses] (Lazy bums…)

WENDY:  
[giggles] Oh, so is that why you’re staying at Stan’s house?

KENNY:  
[Kinda. That and my house is practically unlivable, ‘cause instead of fixing the hole in the roof, Dad’s gotta spend money on Scotch and Jack Daniels.]

WENDY:  
Jack Daniels? That old male prostitute that lives outside town? I didn’t know your dad was cheating on your mom.

KENNY:  
[laughs] (Not that Jack Daniels!)

WENDY:  
[confused] There’s another Jack Daniels?

KENNY:  
[laughs again] (You really don’t know, do you?)

WENDY:  
[shrugs] Eh. Whatever. Aside from the grocery store, I need to stop off at the hardware store.

KENNY:  
[What’s there?]

[Liane Cartman, seen in the ice cream shop, turns away from the clerk and hangs her head with a sigh.]

WENDY:  
Well, Kyle and I figured that if we’re gonna be fighting to protect Butters, we need weapons, right?

[After seeing Kenny and Wendy pass by, the expression on her face turns to that of eager hope.]

WENDY:  
So, I designed a weapon last night and now need supplies to build it.

[Kenny only looks at her with a raised eyebrow.]

WENDY:  
What?

[Liane bursts through the door just as Kenny and Wendy pass the building.]

LIANE:  
Hello! Children!

[The two stop walking and turn around.]

KENNY/WENDY: Hello, Ms. Cartman.

[The adult walks up to the two, wringing her hands the entire time.]

LIANE:  
[hopeful] You haven’t seen my little poopsiekins, Eric, have you?

KENNY:  
[shares a look with Wendy] (No…)

WENDY:  
Cartman? No, we haven’t seen him since yesterday at the playground.

LIANE:  
[starting to cry] My little snookums never came home yesterday. I’ve been so worried that I’ve been asking everyone in town, but…no one’s seen him.

WENDY:  
I don’t know where he could be, but we’ll keep our eyes open for him.

KENNY:  
[Right.]

LIANE:  
[clasps her hands together over her heart] Oh, thank you!

WENDY:  
[reassuringly] Don’t worry, Ms. Cartman. He’ll turn up.

LIANE:  
[wipes her eyes free of tears] Yes… I’m sure he will, too.

WENDY:  
Why don’t you head home, grab a gallon of ice cream, and watch some television shows about rich people nobody cares about getting nasty with each other.

LIANE:  
[perks up] Ooh, yes… I just remembered now, Britney Spears has her own reality show! [smiles] Thank you, little girl!

WENDY:  
[smiles back] You’re welcome!

[As Liane walks away, Wendy waves good bye.]

KENNY:  
(Stan’s mom won’t let us watch Britney’s big boobed goodness.)

WENDY:  
[shoots an annoyed glare at Kenny] You’re such a pervert, Kenny.

[The two continue walking.]

WENDY:  
More importantly, what could’ve happened to Cartman?

[Kenny shrugs.]

WENDY:  
I mean, not that I really care about that fat tub of Crisco, but still.

KENNY:  
(I dunno… I can only guess--)

[Kenny stops walking and looks across the street. Wendy stops a few paces ahead of him and turns to look back.]

WENDY:  
What’s the matter, Kenny?

KENNY:  
[confused] (I thought I saw Stan.)

WENDY:  
Stan? What would he be doing here? We left him at the hospital with Kyle and Butters.

KENNY:  
(That’s why I used the word “thought”. Eh. He’s gone now, so I guess it doesn’t matter.)

(After the two walk out the shot, the camera changes angles to show “Stan” poking his head out from behind a dumpster in an alley across the street.)

“STAN”:  
Sweet, dude. I knew finding Butters would be a cakewalk, but, god damn, that was almost too easy.

(He grins sadistically and pulls himself back into the shade of the two buildings.)

“STAN”:  
[off screen] Thanks, Wendy. It’s about damn time you did something for me.

[Meanwhile, Wendy and Kenny enter the hardware store.]

WENDY:  
Now, Kenny, I hope you realize that you’ll be carrying all the packages back to the hospital.

KENNY:  
(What?! I am?!)

“STAN”:  
[voiceover] I don’t even know what I saw in you anymore, bitch.

[The door shuts behind them with a ringing bell.]

WENDY:  
[voiceover] Well, yeah. I mean, you wouldn’t make a helpless girl, such as myself, carry everything, would you?

KENNY:  
[voiceover] (Man, fuck that. You’ll carry your fare share, too.)

WENDY:  
[voiceover, whining] Aww, Kenny!

[Returning back to “Stan” finds him standing in a back alley and looking back over his shoulder. He grins and draws the blood-red sword from the sheath on his back.]

“STAN”:  
I’d end your imperfect life here and now, but I must be going elsewhere. [looks at the sword] Right, guys?

YOUNG BOY’S FAMILIAR VOICE:  
[whining] We wanna pway…

YOUNG GIRL’S FAMILIAR VOICE:  
Yeah… Play…

“STAN”:  
Don’t worry, Masao. Don’t fret, Kyomune.

[When “Stan” jabs the air in front of him with the sword, the tip disappears as if it had been forced into something. He brings the weapon down in a vertical slash, creating a tear in Space-Time.]

“STAN”:  
[grinning sadistically] It’s time to play, dude…

[He steps into the tear and is gone. Just after the rip seals itself, Sharon Marsh sticks her head around a corner. She looks around for a moment before adopting a confused look.]

SHARON:  
Hmm. I thought I heard my little Stanley for a moment.

[She shrugs and disappears.]

SHARON:  
[off screen] Well, now to go get a gallon of ice cream and watch some television shows about rich people that nobody cares about getting nasty with each other!

  
[SCENE: A Path on Mount Midgar  
During the establishing shot of the evergreen-infested mountain area, a large bird of some kind drunkenly swoops down and bashes itself into a tree. After a pained squawk and falling to the ground with a thud, the camera cuts in closer to several bobbing branches. Sounds of pine needles being crunched under shoes, as well as the faint rustle of branches being shoved out of the way, can be heard.]

EIKO:  
[off screen] Oyamaa… Where are we?

PIP:  
[off screen] Oh, gooseberries… I do believe we might be lost.

TWEEK:  
[off screen] Argh! Wuh-well, it’s not my fault we lost the map! Erk! So you can’t blame me!

[The walking and rustling sounds stop abruptly.]

EIKO:  
[off screen] Kami shimatta! I swear it was in my pack!

TWEEK:  
[off screen] No way, man! Ah! If-- If that was the case, then why are lost?!

EIKO:  
[off screen] Oh, wait… Now I remember! Hee! I left it by the fire!

TWEEK:  
[off screen] Fire?! Where’s a fire?! [screams] We’re gonna be burned like crispy critters!

PIP:  
[off screen] I suppose we’ll just have to travel the best we can without the map, then.

[The walking and rustling sounds continue again.]

TWEEK:  
[off screen, screams] What if we get even more lost?! We’ll die of starvation and the animals will eat our flesh! I can’t take that kinda pressure!

EIKO:  
[off screen] Oh! I think there is an opening up ahead!

TWEEK:  
[off screen] Oh, Jesus! What if we fall in?! We could be stuck there until we die or eat each other to stay alive!

PIP:  
[off screen] I don’t think Miss Eiko is discussing THAT kind of opening.

[After Tweek utters a high pitched caffeine induced scream, the three exit the forest and end up on a worn path leading up the mountain.]

EIKO: [squeals] Kawairashii!

PIP:  
Oh, glorious day! We found it! Now we can continue walking the mountain path!

TWEEK:  
[twitches] Now we don’t have to eat each other to stay alive! Argh! That would’ve been WAY too much pressure!

[When a growl is heard from behind Tweek, the three kids freeze in their tracks.]

PIP:  
Whuh-what was that?

TWEEK:  
[twitching, low] I don’t think I wanna know… Erk!

[After another growl is heard, Eiko slowly turns. Upon seeing the source of the noise, her eyes widen in fear and her hand raises to point directly at the camera.]

EIKO:  
[shouting] Kuma!

PIP:  
A what?

[She spins Pip around on his heels so he can see for himself, resulting in his eyes going wide as well.]

PIP:  
[shouting] Blimey! A bear!

[After yet a louder growl, Tweek spins around and screams. The camera, after raising up high like a bear on its hind legs, utters a ferocious roar, causing the three kids to scatter. Eiko, with a squeak of terror, dives into the nearby brush while Pip leaps up, grabs a low branch, and scales a safe distance up the tree. The camera drops down from its high position and, as it bobs up and down, takes off after the running Tweek. The tweaked out boy looks over his shoulder and screams.]

TWEEK:  
[screaming] You don’t wanna eat me! I’ll taste as good as the food at Chili’s! [darts screen right] Wagh! Awful!

[The camera comes to a halt, complete with tire skidding sounds, and pivots in the direction that Tweek had darted to. There is another roar, causing the frightened boy to jump in the air.]

TWEEK:  
[tugs on his hair as he runs] Why am I the only one being chased here?! [screams]

[As Tweek is comically chased across the field by a giant bear, Eiko pops out of a grouping of weeds and watches the scene.]

EIKO:  
Oyamaa! Poor, poor Tweek-kun!

[As Pip drops down next to her, Tweek runs by from the left; his scream fading in and then fading out when he disappears on the right. The two kids turn their heads to watch as the bear runs by.]

PIP:  
Oh, dear… I wonder if Tweek has honey in his pack.

EIKO:  
[crying with twin waterfall arcs as tears] The kuma is going to eat Tweek-kun!

PIP:  
[wipes water from his sleeve] Should we go help him?

[With another Doppler-effect scream, Tweek runs by yet again; this time with the bear riding a unicycle.]

EIKO:  
Hai! Let us help him! For love and for peace!

PIP:  
Right-oh!

[Elsewhere, Tweek skids to a halt before he smacks face first into several fallen trees that block the path.]

TWEEK:  
Oh, crap! [twitches] I’m never gonna get by now! [screams]

[Just when he turns around to see the bear leaping at him, the image freezes and begins to swirl around. Once it disappears, the camera pans across an empty field.]

DIALOGUE BOX:  
[blue background] SUPRISE ATAKKU !!!

[Once the camera settles to a stop, it cuts in for a close up of the now fading in bear as it growls ferociously. The camera then quickly pulls back to its previous position revealing Pip, Tweek, and Eiko as they fade in on the field opposite of the bear. Pip pulls out his bow and an arrow from mid air and takes aim. Tweek unstraps the giant monkey wrench from his back and takes a practice swing.]

TWEEK:  
Gah! Too much pressure!

[Eiko, being the oddball, twirls around and then dances something similar to what can be found in the opening of “Austin Powers”. After a few moments of that, she stops and draws her swords.]

DIALOGUE BOX:  
KUMA unsure how to attack is !!!

[After a pinging sound is heard, a spinning yellow arrow appears over Pip’s head.]

PIP:  
Oh, glorious day! I get to go first!

DIALOGUE BOX:  
PIP atakku !

[Pip steps forward, pulls back the bowstring, and lets the arrow fly. As the bear recoils overdramatically, a bright flash fills the screen. A “55” appears next to the large animal for a moment before disappearing. Another pinging sound is heard and yellow arrow appears over Eiko.]

EIKO:  
Kawairashii! It is my turn!

[She runs forward to attack, but trips over her own feet and falls face first to the ground.]

DIALOGUE BOX:  
EIKO tripped !

EIKO:  
Kami shimatta…

DIALOGUE BOX:  
ATAKKU FAILURE !

[When she returns to her feet, the bear pulls out a large bright red beach ball and balances on it.]

DIALOGUE BOX:  
ICE 3 !

[Tweek is suddenly enveloped by a raging snowstorm; the snow clumping to his body to create a snowman. After the bear kicks the ball away, the snow shatters into a million icicles allowing Tweek to fall to one knee and use the monkey wrench to keep him upright. A “247” appears next to him and then disappears.]

TWEEK:  
Argh! Since when could bears use magic?!

[The pinging sound returns and the arrow appears over the weakened child.]

DIALOGUE BOX:  
[in multiple flashing colours] LIMIT BREAK !!!!!!!!!!

[Tweek stands upright and holds his weapon above his head when an orange light surrounds him.]

TWEEK:  
I need coffee!

DIALOGUE BOX:  
[now with a pink background] COFFEEBEANORAIN

[He leaps into the air and brings his weapon down in a vertical slash. The sky grows dark and giant coffee beans begin raining down upon the field. While none actually strike the bear, it recoils from the attack. Tweek lands on his feet and then falls back to his knees. A “397” appears next to the bear when it slumps over.]

DIALOGUE BOX:  
[with a blue background again] KUMA calls for help !

DIALOGUE BOX:  
No help arrives !

[The pinging sound is heard once again and the arrow appears over Eiko, causing her to squeal in delight.]

EIKO:  
Let me help you, Tweek-kun!

[When the camera cuts to a close up of Eiko surrounded by a bright green light, she holds out her arms for a moment and then brings them together as she leans forward.]

DIALOGUE BOX:  
CURE 1

[There is a buzzer sound, signifying something bad.]

DIALOGUE BOX:  
EIKO not have enough MP does !!!!!!!

[She scowls and then kicks the ground in frustration. The pinging sound returns as does the arrow above Pip’s head.]

PIP:  
Oh, I’m dreadfully sorry, chap, but it’s either us or you…

[He steps forward and lets another arrow fly. The bear recoils when hit and then roars when it disappears. The three kids perform victory poses. Pip holds his bow into the air while grinning like a madman. Tweek pumps a fist into the air and attempts to twirl the monkey wrench around like a baton one handed, but only winds up whacking himself in the head. Eiko pulls out her Kyle plushie and dances around with it.]

[Cut to a status screen with portraits of the three kids.]

Eiko’s stats:  
HP 788/788 -- Level 5  
MP 00/35  
EXP points until level up: 3358  
EXP gained: 0  
Gained a New Battle Title !!!: Battle Klutz

Tweek’s stats:  
HP 135/2222 -- Level 14  
MP 100/165  
EXP points until next level: 65  
EXP gained: 400  
Current Battle Title: Nervous Wreck

Pip’s stats: LEVEL UP !!!!!!  
HP 2389/2389 -- Level 15  
MP 200/200  
EXP points until next level: 0  
EXP points gained: 274  
Gained a New Battle Title !!!: Elven Hero

Items Found:  
$167  
Dio’s Diary  
Megalixer  
Stan and Wendy Bromide

[Cut back to Tweek cowering near the wall of logs. The bear, frozen in mid-leap, roars and then disappears. Tweek opens an eye, blinks a few times, and then looks around with both eyes.]

TWEEK:  
Gah! Is-- Is the bear gone?

[Out of nowhere, Eiko pops up next to Tweek and grips him in a death hug.]

EIKO:  
[excitedly] Yay! We did it, Tweek-kun!

TWEEK:  
[blue faced, screaming] Gaaaaah! Don’t sneak up on me!

[Pip walks over to the two while strapping the bow to the quiver on his back.]

PIP:  
Blimey… ‘ow are we supposed to continue on our journey if the road has been blocked?

TWEEK:  
[twitches] Geh. What-- What if we climbed over the logs? We could do that, right?!

[Pip pokes the blockade, now revealed to extend several miles in both directions. It shifts a little, causing the two boys to jump back in surprise. In the background, Eiko looks up, furrows her eyebrows, and then walks off screen.]

PIP:  
It doesn’t look sturdy enough for us to do that.

TWEEK:  
[grabs hair] You mean the logs can fall and we’ll be crushed like ants?! Augh! I don’t wanna die, man!

PIP:  
Oh, I most certainly agree with that, Tweek.

EIKO:  
[off screen] Shounen!

[The two boys look up, revealing Eiko to be standing on a branch high up a nearby tree. She looks sternly at the two boys and points to a faraway location.]

EIKO:  
If we follow the blockade this way, we can go around it safely!

TWEEK:  
Augh! How’d you get up there so fast?!

EIKO:  
[sweatdrops] I climbed…

TWEEK:  
[spasms] Gah! But that high?! It…doesn’t…make any sense!

EIKO:  
But the end of the trees’ wall is not far from here!

PIP:  
Oh! Jolly good! ‘ow far, Miss Eiko?

EIKO:  
[sweatdrops] I do not know… Oyamaa… I am horrible at distances.

PIP:  
[sighs] I guess we don’t have much of a choice.

TWEEK:  
Gah! I don’t wanna be crushed by logs!

EIKO:  
Hee! Then it is--

[When the branch she is standing on suddenly breaks, she plummets off screen with a yelp and hits the ground with a comical percussion beat. The sound of a metal disc spinning around on concrete is heard for a few moments before Pip sighs and Tweek makes one of his usual noises.]

EIKO:  
[off screen, dazed] Oyamaa… That was a fun roller coaster ride, Kairu… I want to do that again…

  
[SCENE: Mount Midgar Mountain Path  
As the song starts out with a few quick chords from an electrical guitar, Mount Midgar can be seen in all its majestic glory. From its grassy and evergreen base, to its snow white peak; all who see it will gasp in awe and feel the power of its beauty. Near the peak of the mountain, but under the sky so blue, a dense fog hovers, almost like a star on a Christmas tree. A flock of birds fly by in their “V” formation. One calls out to the others and the rest answer back with a chorus of squawks.]

[The mountain scene cross-fades to a panning aerial shot of Pip, Tweek, and Eiko as they make their way up a path surrounded by evergreens. A spooked rabbit bursts out from the foliage and startles Tweek, who grabs his hair in a stressed out fit. After he stiffly falls to his back, cut to an evergreen branch as it is pushed away by Pip. He steps to the side and holds the branch so the other two can pass. He lets go too soon and ends up smacking Eiko in the face, sending her to the ground. Both Pip and Tweek share a glance and then cringe.]

[Cut to Eiko as she cheerfully pushes her way through the foliage. Not only are there evergreen needles sticking out of her hair, but a large red welt diagonally crosses her face. She looks back, puts a large grin on her face, and then darts off screen. Pip and Tweek emerge from the foliage with puzzled looks. The English boy shrugs while the jittery stress magnet slightly twitches. The Japanese girl jumps out in front of them, seemingly out of nowhere, startles the daylights out of them, and then motions for them to follow. After she darts away a second time, Tweek’s eyes roll into the back of his head just before he collapses to the ground.]

[Sometime later, Eiko, followed shortly by the slower Pip and Tweek, bounds up a hill approaching a cave entrance. She stops before the dark opening in the rocky wall, blinks, and then sticks her head inside.]

EIKO:  
[echoes] Konnichiha?

[Pip and Tweek stop behind her and quietly ponder her actions. She pulls her head out of the cave to excitedly regard the two boys.]

EIKO:  
[excitedly] This is so super kawaii! Shounen! Listen! [sticks her head back into the cave, echoes] Konnichiha! [shouts, echoes] Konnichiha!

[Pip rolls his eyes while Tweek just shakes and twitches.]

EIKO:  
[squeals] Firippu-kun! Let us rest here!

[Before the others can get in a word, she darts into the darkness and then squeals.]

EIKO:  
[off screen, echoes] A natural hot spring! Kawairashii!

[She pops back out and grabs the two boys by their collars.]

EIKO:  
We are resting here!

TWEEK:  
[spasming] No! No caves! [screams]

EIKO:  
[pouts, sternly] We are resting here!

[She drags the two of them into the cave, all the while with Tweek screaming his little lungs out.]

PIP:  
Oh, bother…

[Inside the cave finds Pip and Tweek leaning against the rocky walls and eating sandwiches of some kind. Off screen, Eiko is heard giggling and splashing water around. Also heard is the soothing sound of an underwater stream.]

PIP:  
I still do not believe she is naked…

TWEEK:  
Argh! I know, man! There’s no way I could do that! [twitches] That is way too much pressure!

PIP:  
[takes a bite and swallows] Tweek? Did you get a strange feeling when--

EIKO:  
[off screen] Stop talking about me, hentai baka!

[The two boys look up with expressions of shock.]

EIKO:  
[off screen] Or I will throw my paper fan at you!

PIP:  
[pauses] …But we weren’t--

EIKO:  
[off screen] Lies! Hentai baka!

TWEEK:  
[shaking] But it’s not our fault you took your clothes off in front of us, man!

PIP:  
‘ow did you expect us to react?

[Eiko screams and a paper fan suddenly flies on screen, bashing Tweek in the head. He recoils and consequently spills a thermos of hot coffee all over Pip. Pip screams, jumps to his feet, and runs around in circles.]

PIP:  
[shouting] Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!

[The scene transitions to sometime later with a flip around editing effect. Tweek, now with a bandaged head, is still sitting by the rocky wall eating his sandwich. Pip, now with coffee stained trousers, sits nearby eating a new sandwich. Eiko walks into the scene fully clothed and with her ankle length hair down.]

EIKO:  
Oyamaa… So refreshing…

TWEEK:  
[twitches] For you maybe! Ah!

EIKO:  
Hee. Shounen, I was wondering… What is special about the flower we must find?

TWEEK:  
[spasms] Erk! I was thinking the same th-th-thing!

EIKO:  
Hai! What was it called?

PIP:  
Oh. I believe Miss Wendy said that it was called “Luminaire”.

TWEEK:  
Argh! What kind of a name for a flower is that?!

EIKO:  
Oh, I do not know…

[Pip grins and reaches into his pack. After a moment of searching, comical fanfare is heard when he produces a book titled “The Really Really Really Super Awesome Kick Ass Book of Botany”.]

PIP:  
Oh, glorious day! Let’s see what my botany book says!

[After opening the book and flipping a few pages--]

PIP:  
[reading] “The Luminaire is a rare flower with seemingly magical properties. Known for growing only at high altitudes, it can heal any illness when ingested orally. Native Americans in the western United States often used the Luminaire as a pah…” [pauses] Oh, blimey… I don’t know how to pronounce this word…

TWEEK:  
[twitches] Oh, sweet Jesus! Not a hard word!

PIP:  
Pay-nay-ceeah…

EIKO:  
[confused] “Paynayceeah?” I do not know that word…

PIP:  
[shrugs, reading] “The Luminaire looks similar to a white rose. ‘owever, when looked upon at night or in darkness, the petals will glow a dull green. Hence, it was given the name ‘Luminaire’.” Oh, that sounds like a beautiful flower!

EIKO:  
[grins animé-ishly] Hai! Ii desu ne!

TWEEK:  
[tugs at his hair] Gah! Why’re you always speaking gibberish?! [screams]

[A fancy analogue clock suddenly appears on the screen; its hands spinning madly. After it disappears, the three kids step out of the cavern. Tweek looks around nervously while the other two rummage through their packs in an effort to make sure nothing was forgotten. A sky blue stocking cap with yellow trim pops up from behind a rock and then quickly disappears with a hushed cry. Tweek sees this and freaks out.]

TWEEK:  
[screams] There’s someone here!

EIKO:  
[looks up from her pack] Nani?

TWEEK:  
[points to the rock] Oh-over th-there!

[Pip raises an eyebrow and walks over to where Tweek indicated.]

TWEEK:  
Gah! Be careful! What if it’s a demon sent to devour our supple flesh?!

EIKO:  
[sweatdrops] Tweek-kun, if you keep saying things like that it will eventually happen…

PIP:  
[off screen] Oh! But there is nothing here…

TWEEK:  
[tugs at his hair] But—

EIKO:  
[hugs Tweek] You drink too much coffee, Tweek-kun!

TWEEK:  
Argh! But I swear I saw somebody!

[Pip walks back to the other two and puts a reassuring hand on Tweek’s shoulder.]

PIP:  
Oh, don’t worry about it, Tweek ol’ chap. What matters is that we are nearing the end of our journey.

[A bright purple light surrounds Eiko as she dramatically gives a thumbs-up.]

EIKO:  
Hai! Ii desu ne!!!

[Pip and Tweek give each other over-exaggerated looks of annoyed depression and sigh.]

PIP:  
Let’s just keep moving…

[As the three walk off, the camera pans back to the rock where the blue cap had been seen.]

EIKO:  
[off screen, faintly] Kawairashii! Going on adventures is so fun!

PIP:  
[off screen, faintly] And I thought Tweek was easily excited.

[On the other side of the rock, scuffling noises as well as grunting come from a moderately sized hole.]

TWEEK:  
[off screen, faintly] Gah! Don’t look at me, man!

FAMILIAR VOICE:  
[off screen, echoes] Oh, Jesus mud wrestling Christ… My god damn coat’s caught! Fuck! And it’s my favorite one! [grunts] Wait… Maybe if I…

[There are some more scuffling noises.]

FAMILIAR VOICE:  
[off screen, echoes] Kick ass! Now I can get the hell outta here!

[Cartman crawls out of the hole and then sits against the nearby rock to collect himself.]

CARTMAN:  
Bastard sauce… Tha’ was a close one… [sighs] Heh. I almost got caught. If it hadn’t been for that caffeinated goofball, I wouldn’t of had ta hide in a GOD DAMN HOLE!!! [closes his eyes] Jesus… Keepin’ an eye on these douche-bags is harder that I thought…

[The raccoon from an earlier scene suddenly appears on the rock behind and shoves an empty box of Cheesy Poofs over Cartman’s head.]

CARTMAN:  
[muffled] Ay! What the hell’s goin’ on here?!

[As the fat boy attempts to get the cardboard box off his head, the raccoon runs over to his pack and begins to rummage through it. It makes a noise similar to laughter and plucks a package of Snacky Cakes from the leather and plastic bag. Cartman rips the box off his head and his eyes immediate furrow in anger.]

CARTMAN:  
[points] You butt-fuckin’ sonova bitch! You’re that god damn raccoon from the other night!

[The raccoon seems to smirk and then flips the boy off. Cartman screams in anger and throws the Cheesy Poof box in the animal’s direction. However, it catches in the wind and blows back into his face.]

CARTMAN:  
God dammit!

[The raccoon salutes and then takes off down the path. Cartman pulls the box off his face and rips it to shreds. He throws the pieces to the side and looks down the path with an annoyed expression.]

CARTMAN:  
[low] I…fucking…HATE…RACCOONS!!!

  
[SCENE: Hell’s Pass Hospital  
During the establishing shot, an ambulance, with its lights flashing, pulls up and stops near the main entrance. The rear doors of the vehicle open allowing a man, bearing a sickly look and bloody bandages, to rush out pulling a paramedic on a stretcher behind him.]

[In Butters’ room, Stan and Kyle jump up from a quiet game of cards when Wendy parades in.]

STAN:  
[wide eyed] Dude! Where the hell have you been?

WENDY:  
[grins] Shopping.

KYLE:  
[wide eyed] Where’s Kenny?

WENDY:  
[cutely] Oh, my baggage handler should along very shortly.

[As if on cue, an unhooded Kenny appears in the doorway with several plastic bags in each hand and his mouth. He sets Wendy’s shopping spree results to the floor and grabs the bags swinging from his mouth with a free hand.]

KENNY:  
[low] This…is the last time…I go shopping with you.

KYLE:  
[snickers] I get it now… Baggage handler…

[Kenny glares at Kyle as he draws his hood up.]

KENNY:  
(Laugh it up, Jew.)

WENDY:  
[softly] How’s Butters?

STAN:  
[sighs] Well--

  
[SCENE: A Cleft in the Mountain  
Pip, Tweek, and Eiko have stopped walking before an old rickety wooden bridge. As the wind blows, the bridge creaks and groans, causing Eiko to sweatdrop and Pip and Tweek to stare nervously at it.]

PIP:  
So… Who’s testing it?

TWEEK:  
Not me, man! [twitches] Geh! That is way too much pressure!

EIKO:  
[still sweatdropping] Waah… I do not like this…

PIP:  
[nervously] Eiko, you-you are the lightest of the three of us. Why not try it?

[She screams and then bashes Pip with a “Hello Kitty” themed paper fan.]

EIKO:  
Baka! You will make a helpless girl fall to her death to save your own?!

PIP:  
[nervously] Well, that is not quite how I--

EIKO:  
[pouts] Firippu-kun… I am not testing the bridge.

[Pip casts a glance towards Tweek, who only twitches.]

TWEEK:  
[shakes head vigorously] Gah! Don’t look at me, man!

EIKO:  
Hai. [downcast] Tweek-kun will cause the bridge to fall…

PIP:  
[sighs] Very well, then. I’ll test it.

[He takes a step onto the creaking bridge. He pauses his steps, swallows, and takes a deep breath.]

PIP:  
[hushed] Right-oh, Philip. A chap’s life depends on you crossing this bridge of splinters.

PIP’S INNER VOICE:  
Oh, you are very much correct, sir. Now the question is, “Can you do it?”

PIP:  
[hushed] Oh! I verily think I can!

PIP’S INNER VOICE:  
It’s not a question of whether you think you can do it, chap. It’s KNOWING you can do it.

PIP:  
[rolls his eyes upwards] Well, I know I can cross a bridge…but this one? Oh, have you seen it? We’ll be spot on lucky if it can support a field mouse let alone one of us.

PIP’S INNER VOICE:  
Oh! You raise a very valid point there, lad. Well, then… Best of luck to you! Chip chip churrah!

PIP:  
[low, sighs] Oh, that inner voice of mine always seems to put me a bit on the rag… That…right Charlie!

[Pip takes another step forward and pauses, once again, to listen to the sounds of the bridge. It creaks and groans a moment before falling silent. He looks back at his two companions, who only wave and twitch respectfully. Pip whimpers and takes another slow step forward, pausing yet again to listen to the voice of the rickety bridge. His eyes widen when the groans suddenly become louder.]

PIP:  
[hushed] Oh…bother…

[The ropes keeping the bridge suspended in the air snap, allowing it to fall away towards the opposite side of the cleft. Pip, suspended in mid-air, frowns and pulls out a sign reading “CLICHÉ AIN’T IT?” Just as he screams and starts to plummet earthward, a hand partially hidden by a green sleeve grabs him by the collar. Pip and his savior swing back and crash into the rocky wall with grunts.]

PIP:  
[looks up] What the bloody ‘ell?

[As the camera pans upwards, Tweek, holding on to Pip’s collar with one hand, reaches down and grabs the other boy’s arm.]

TWEEK:  
[frantically] Gah! Way too much pressure!

EIKO:  
[off screen, strained] Hai… Ii desu ne…

[At the end of the pan, Eiko is revealed to be holding Tweek by his ankles and straining to keep the two boys from plummeting to a certain death.]

EIKO:  
[strained] Kami shimatta… I…do not think I can hold on much longer…

[She takes a step back and attempts to drag the boys up.]

EIKO:  
[strained] One of you is a himanshita oshirii!

TWEEK:  
[frantically] Gah! Stop speaking gibberish!

[She loses her footing and begins to slide closer to the edge with a yelp of terror.]

TWEEK:  
[frantically] Oh, sweet Jesus! I’m not ready to embrace your warm arms yet! [screams]

[Eiko stops sliding right at the edge.]

PIP:  
[terrified] Oh, I quite agree!

EIKO:  
[straining] Shounen… Onegai… Do not make sudden movements…

[She slowly takes a step back, just as Pip starts to slip out of Tweek’s grip.]

TWEEK:  
[eyes wide] Gah! I can’t hold on much longer!

EIKO:  
[strained] I will lose my footing if I go much faster!

[With a worried expression, Pip reaches up in an attempt to grab the edge of the cliff.]

PIP:  
Tweek! If you can, raise me higher!

TWEEK:  
Gah! I’m just barely able to hold on to you and you want me to do that?! Are you insane?!

PIP:  
Just try, you daft--

EIKO:  
[strained] One of you do something! I cannot hold on to the both of you much longer!

[After cutting to a close up of Pip’s hand stretching for the cliff’s edge, the two boys are heard grunting and groaning as they strain their muscles to perform beyond their ability.]

PIP:  
[strained] Al…most…got it…

[When his hand finally grabs a hold of hard earth, the other reaches up to join its companion. Tweek lets out a cry of surprise and suddenly goes flying upwards as Eiko stumbles back a few steps and falls to her bottom. The spiky-haired boy lands on the ground in front of her and shakes his head to clear his thoughts.]

EIKO:  
[low] Oyamaa… That could have happened better.

TWEEK:  
Geh! That was insane!

PIP:  
[pokes his head up above the edge] Oh, um… I do believe I am still in mid-peril…

[The other two kids scramble to Pip’s aid and pull him back onto solid earth. The three lay there by the edge of the cleft, breathing heavily.]

EIKO:  
Kami shimatta… So much drama…

TWEEK:  
I agree to that! [twitches] Erk!

[Pip crawls over to the long drop and looks down.]

PIP:  
Oh! I don’t even want to think of what a fall from this height would feel like.

[He turns green and slowly crawls away.]

EIKO:  
[concerned] Firippu-kun?

PIP:  
[crawls over to the other two and sits near them] Thank you. If the two of you hadn’t come to my aid…

TWEEK:  
[tugs on hair] Gah! You think I wanna see one of my friends die?!

EIKO:  
Hai! [smiles animé-ishly] No one deserves a fall like that!

PIP:  
[brightly smiles] Oh, glorious day! It’s nice to know that there are some who do not wish death upon me!

[The grin falls from Eiko’s face when she sharply turns her head screen right. A confused expression crosses her face as she raises a hand to point in the direction she is looking.]

EIKO:  
[confused] Shounen… What is that?

[When the boys turn to look, the camera changes angles to reveal a sturdy looking bridge made of iron or possibly some other kind of metal. Eiko sweatdrops and clasps her hands together.]

EIKO:  
Hee! Looks like we never had to use the wooden bridge at all!

[Pip and Tweek fall over with comical percussion beats.]

TWEEK:  
[off screen] Gah! We could’ve avoided all that!

PIP:  
[off screen] Oh! That makes me as sick as a parrot...

  
[SCENE: Near the Peak of Mount Midgar  
On the flattened clearing, a log cabin sits near a large flower garden. However, both look as though they had been subjected to many years of neglect or abandonment. Holes litter the cabin’s roof as well the front wall. In the garden, weeds have taken over and choked out all but a few of the flowers. A flock of birds flutter out of the nearby tree when Eiko runs into the scene squealing her little lungs out.]

EIKO:  
[shouting] Yatta! Flowers!

[She runs up to the fence surrounding the garden and looks in with star-shaped pupils.]

EIKO:  
Oyamaa… So pretty…

[Pip and Tweek come up behind her and stare in shock.]

PIP:  
Miss Eiko… Um… The flowers are being choked out by weeds.

EIKO:  
But it is still pretty!

TWEEK:  
[looking around nervously] I wonder who used to live here. Gah! Why-- Why would the abandon their home like this?

PIP:  
Now that is a very good question.

[Eiko slowly reaches in to touch a purple tulip.]

PIP:  
Perhaps they died or moved to a much more convenient location.

[Just when Eiko is about to touch the botanical life force, it turns black and begins to wilt. She screams and quickly draws her hand back.]

PIP:  
[wide eyed] The bloody ‘ell?!

TWEEK:  
Erk! That’s crazy, man!

[All the other plant life begins to wilt and dies in the same manner. Some turn to dust and get blown away by the slight breeze.]

YOUNG BOY’S VOICE: [whining] Wanna pway…

[The three kids freeze in shock.]

TWEEK:  
Geh! Di-did I just hear a first grader?

FAMILIAR VOICE:  
Maybe, dude…

EIKO:  
[eyes wide] Sutanrii-kun?

[When the three turn around, the camera changes angles revealing the other Stan Marsh standing on top of a large nearby rock. A dark radiance billows out from him in faint, but visible, waves. Maggots crawl around in the area that used to be his right eye. A few fall from his face to the ground, where they frantically writhe around. The black stone hanging from the chain around his neck glows brightly with an inner light.]

“STAN”:  
[grins] Hi, guys…

PIP:  
[frightened] Wh-who are you?

“STAN”:  
Aw, come on, fart boy! You don’t recognize me? Hey, Tweek… Those underpants gnomes still giving you trouble?

TWEEK:  
[wide eyed] Geh…

“STAN”:  
[gestures to Eiko] And you… I don’t think I know you… But it doesn’t matter. I’ll kill you just the same as the others.

TWEEK:  
What do you want?!

“STAN”:  
[laughs] Dude! What don’t I want? [reaches back and grips the handle of the sword strapped to his back] First let me tell you a story…

[Eiko slowly reaches for one of her swords as well.]

“STAN”:  
A long time ago in astral years, my life was taken from me. And God, being the uptight asshole he is, told me “I’m sorry, Stan. But you can’t stay here.” [scoffs] I planned my revenge for so long and I could’ve won last time if “I” hadn’t kicked my ass.

PIP:  
What?

“STAN”:  
But now… I’ve returned to steal the soul of the one you butt-pirates’re trying to save… Foolishness…

EIKO:  
[draws her sword and points it at “Stan”] Akuma! We are doing this because he is our friend!

“STAN”:  
[grins] Is that so? Well then. Are you willing to die for this cause?

PIP:  
[takes a step forward] If it helps someone less fortunate, then yes!

“STAN”:  
All right, then. I tell you what I want, dude.

[Cut to a close up of “Stan’s” mouth as he speaks.]

“STAN”:  
[reverse echoes] I want you all dead. I want this ENTIRE world dead. Dude! It’s all freakin’ garbage…and I’m the trash collector…

[The group of three takes a step back with looks of shock plastered to their faces.]

“STAN”:  
[draws the blood red sword from his back] I’ll show God what happens when he screws me over twice! [dramatically raises the sword above his head] Dude! I’ll show him…BY RAINING DESTRUCTION UPON THE WORLD!!!

[The black orb glows a bright purple when a black wind begins to blow across the area, causing snow to lift up and fly around. Eiko’s eyes widen as if recognizing something.]

“STAN”:  
[shouting] BLACK WIND!!! DUDE!!! BLOW ACROSS THIS LAND AND WHITHER EVERYTHING AWAY!!!

EIKO:  
[shouting to be heard over the wind] Oyamaa! It cannot be! It was sealed away! The legendary cursed sword-- The Masamu--

[A sickly looking five year old Japanese boy with light green hair appears next to “Stan” as the wind dies down.]

LITTLE BOY:  
Wanna pway…

[An eleven year old Japanese girl with dark green hair appears on the other side of “Stan”.]

GIRL:  
Hai… We wanna play with you… [points to Eiko] Especially you…

“STAN”:  
[lowers the sword] Well, if you want to save Butters so badly, you’ll have to play with Masao and Kyomune first. [laughs] They REALLY love to play.

[The boy, Masao, claps his hands and giggles.]

MASAO:  
Reawwy?! We get to pway? Sis! We get to pway!

KYOMUNE:  
[grins] Hai, Masao… Play all day…

[Pip and Tweek shoot each other confused looks while Eiko stares at the two newcomers.]

EIKO:  
[in Japanese, low] {Masao… Kyomune… I will not fail you again…}

[Kyomune picks Masao up and begins to spin around continuously.]

MASAO:  
[giggles] Yay! I wuv pwaying!

“STAN”:  
Heh. Have fun, you guys. It’s a shame I can’t be staying…

EIKO:  
Wait! Hiretsuken!

[As the two odd kids twirl around, black electricity begins to envelope them. “Stan” grins at that and slashes the air with sword, once again creating a rip in Space-Time.]

EIKO:  
[eyes wide] Kami shimatta! Get down!

TWEEK:  
Gah! What?!

[When the siblings explode in a black fire, Eiko dives to the ground and pulls her two traveling companions with her. Once the smoke clears, “Stan” is now gone and the siblings have been replaced with a tall feminine humanoid monster; brown in color and bearing long flowing dark green hair. It looks around as if seeing the environment for the first time.]

EIKO:  
[looks up from the ground] Shimatta! Not again!

[The creature notices the three kids and screeches loudly, causing them to cover their ears.]

EIKO:  
Masamune!

MASAMUNE:  
[in a female voice] Wanna pway…

[The three kids stand and brandish their weapons.]

PIP:  
[sarcastically] Oh, jolly good! A battle…

TWEEK:  
Argh! Too much pressure! [screams]

[When Masamune’s hands change into giant mallets, it brings them both down at the three. They all dive out of the way; Eiko to the left, Pip backwards, and Tweek to the right. The ground rumbles from the impact, causing Eiko and Pip to lose their balance and fall.]

TWEEK:  
[frantically] Sweet Jesus!

[The monster raises its mallet-hands just as Tweek rushes the monster. He imbeds the monkey wrench into flesh, causing the supernatural monster to howl in pain. Tweek tries to pull his weapon free, but is unable to do so.]

TWEEK:  
Gah! It’s stuck!

[One of the monster’s hands morphs into an anvil and swings in Tweek’s direction. The jittery boy ducks and, once the danger has passed, leaps into the air, pulling the monkey wrench free.]

MASAMUNE:  
[howls in pain] PWAY NICEWY…!!!

[Tweek lands on his feet a yard back and then stumbles to the ground.]

TWEEK:  
Argh! What a climhazzard!

[In the meantime, Pip and Eiko have risen to their feet. Pip takes off for a nearby tree, while Eiko sheathes a sword and whips a few shuriken at the enemy. Masamune raises its hands to the air and screeches when the projectiles miss completely.]

MASAMUNE:  
Need pwaymates…

[The ground explodes in chunks of earth, sending Tweek and Eiko flying back. Pip, up in a nearby tree, lowers his bow and stares ahead in shock.]

PIP:  
[hushed] Oh, blimey… [shouting] ZOMBIES!!!

[As Masamune cackles with delight, a multitude of the undead rises from the hole in the ground. The nonliving groan in delight upon seeing the two kids on the ground.]

MASAMUNE:  
Watashi wa shibito o yomigaeta! [giggles]

[Eiko, sitting up, rubs her hand with one hand and grabs her sword with the other. She stands and points a sword at the opposition.]

EIKO:  
Che! It is time to be serious! [shouting] Shounen! Now is the time to fight!

[Tweek stands and shakes his head to clear his thoughts.]

TWEEK:  
[shouting] Why’s this always happen to me?!

[Pip readies an arrow in his bow and lines up his shot.]

PIP:  
[shouting] Tally-ho!

EIKO:  
[voiceover, shouting] For love and for peace!

[Just as Pip lets the arrow fly, Tweek and Eiko charge their opponents. Pip’s arrow strikes Masamune just as Eiko leaps on top of a diving zombie and uses it as a springboard to propel herself higher. Tweek runs through the shot, bashing zombies in the kneecaps with the metal wrench. As they all fall down, Eiko comes crashing down on another zombie and drives her twin blades into its skull. As it falls backwards, she leaps off in an attempt to pull the swords free. When she lands on her feet and takes off running, Tweek, in the background, swings his weapon in a downwards vertical movement, crushing the skull of his decomposing opponent. When a zombie behind him moans, the tweaked out boy screams and brings the wrench around in a horizontal swing, striking it in the thigh and causing it to fall to pieces. Another zombie madly rushes towards the boy, but is felled to the ground when an arrow strikes it right between the eyes.]

TWEEK:  
[frantically] Gah! Stop trying to steal my…underpants!

[Pip, up in the tree, fires another arrow into the battlefield. When a screech is heard from below, he aims directly downwards and strikes the zombie in the eye, causing it to clutch the black gore oozing wound and fall over backwards. Once it falls, Eiko, in the background, stabs a living corpse in the stomach with one sword, and uses it as a gymnastics bar to propel herself upwards yet again. She comes down on the sword, causing it to flip though the zombie’s upper torso and into the air. As the now dead opponent falls to the earth, she lands to her feet, stumbles to the ground, and looks back at a zombie approaching her from behind. She screams in terror, but is cut short when the airborne sword impales the threat directly in the head. After it falls, she breathes a sigh of relief.]

EIKO:  
[low] Arigatou, kamisama…

[She looks up when Tweek runs by screaming with Masamune soon following. Tweek looks back, tugs on his hair with his free hand, and then skids to a halt before he crashes head first into a zombie.]

TWEEK:  
[shouting] Oh, crap!

[Before he can get away, the zombie grabs him and holds him still. As the feminine monster raises her anvil hand to strike, Tweek tries to break himself free.]

TWEEK:  
[frantically] Argh! I am so boned!

FAMILIAR VOICE:  
I can’t leave you assholes alone for five god damn minutes!

[A red blur tackles the zombie and its captive to the ground. Cartman wrestles the zombie away from Tweek and proceeds to beat the living daylights out of it, sending black gore all over. Masamune grins and brings the anvil down upon the two.]

TWEEK:  
[frantically] Cartman!

[The two dive out of the way and Masamune ends up squishing the dead zombie.]

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] Haha! Charade you are, bitch!

[As Masamune howls in anger, Pip looks up from his perch in the tree.]

PIP:  
Oh! When did Eric get-- [nearly loses his balance when the tree begins to shake] --here? What the bloody…?

[The tree begins to shake once again, but this time knocks Pip from his perch and to the ground. Elsewhere, Eiko cuts down a zombie child and then twirls around to take out another. The camera bobs up and down as it approaches her, all the while moaning and snarling. Eiko looks up towards the camera, breaks into a mad dash, and leaps into the air. At the peak of her jump, she brings her swords down in two vertical slashes, cutting the screen into three equal parts. The parts fall away to reveal a zombie girl hovering right over Pip’s face. Drool or what can be considered that drips from her mouth as she breathes in a raspy manner.]

ZOMBIE GIRL:  
[guttural] Waaaaannnnnaaaa plaaaaayyyyyy…

PIP:  
[nervously] I’m so dreadfully sorry…

[He reaches over, grabs one of the arrows that had spilled out of his quiver, and stabs the zombie girl in the face.]

PIP:  
Oh! But I’m not quite ready for a girlfriend just yet, harlot!

[The zombie rears back and screeches, just before Pip shoves her off and leaps to his feet. Elsewhere, Cartman and Tweek have taken to tag teaming their opponents. Tweek bashes one with the monkey wrench and sends it staggering towards Cartman, who trips it and then stomps its head into a gory mush.]

CARTMAN:  
[shouting] Next!

[The two each take an end of the large tool and then run towards the advancing opposition. With sound effects of bowling pins being struck, the zombies are knocked to the ground and walked over with rubber ducky sounds.]

CARTMAN:  
Oh, my god! I’ll bet when this is over, we’ll all be “dead” tired! [laughs]

TWEEK:  
Gah! Is that supposed to be a joke?

CARTMAN:  
Shut up, Tweek!

[Nearby, Eiko has stopped before Masamune and regards her angrily.]

EIKO:  
[narrows eyebrows] Konnichiha, Masao… Kyomune… It has been some time, ne?

MASAMUNE:  
[roars, reverse echoes] Wanna pway, Eiko…

EIKO:  
If you are here, then that would mean Ojiisan’s seal has been broken.

[The creature blinks and then grins. Cut to Pip as he bashes a zombie on the head with the tip of his bow and then aims an arrow at its face.]

PIP:  
Good day there, lad!

[Cut back to Masamune as she taps her heart, looks at her fist, and then points to Eiko.]

MASAMUNE:  
[reverse echoes] Wanna pway wit’ you… Eiko…

EIKO:  
[smiles animé-ishly] Hee! You wish to fight…again? [poses dramatically] Yoroshii!

[Just as she charges, cut to Cartman as he is chased comically across the battlefield by a group of female zombies.]

CARTMAN:  
[wailing] Gah! Why can’t I get livin’ girls to chase me?!

[Cut back to Masamune as she swings the anvil horizontally. Eiko leans back to dodge it and winds up losing her balance with a squeal. The large creature changes the anvil back into a hand and plucks the Japanese girl from the ground by her kimono.]

EIKO:  
[frantically] Oyamaa!

[Just as the mallet-hand changes into a dog’s head, cut to Tweek as he rushes up to a zombie, leaps into the air, and brings the monkey wrench down in a vertical slash; disabling his opponent.]

TWEEK:  
Gah! I think I’m getting braver!

[When Eiko is heard screaming, he looks up. Back at the tree, Pip fires an arrow into a zombie’s open mouth and then turns to look back. Elsewhere, Cartman rips the head off an undead opponent and looks to the right. Cut to an extreme close up of Eiko’s fear filled face. Blood trickles from the corner of her mouth.]

EIKO:  
[pained, hushed] Nande…?

MASAMUNE:  
[off screen] Wanna pway…

[The camera pulls back as the supernatural creature tosses the bleeding Eiko away like a rag doll. A zombie head flies on screen and strikes Masamune in the head, causing her to look up.]

CARTMAN:  
[off screen] Hey, you big boobed bitch!

[The three boys are standing nearby in a triangle formation; Cartman at the apex, Tweek to the left, and Pip to the right.]

PIP:  
‘ow about you deal with us now, m’lady?

TWEEK:  
[twitches] Erk! We-- We’re tired of dealing with the small fry!

MASAMUNE:  
[grins and changes her hands into spinning buzz saws, reverse echoes] Wanna pway…

CARTMAN:  
Alright, you melvins! You better put up one helluva fight!

TWEEK/PIP: Right!

CARTMAN:  
[smirks] Let’s fuck some shit up, then!

[When Cartman and Tweek leave the formation in mad dashes, Pip pulls an arrow from his quiver and readies it in the bow.]

PIP:  
[hushed] Dear Lord…

[Tweek bashes Masamune in the side with repetitive vertical strikes, while Cartman, acting as a distraction, stays in front of her.]

CARTMAN:  
Hey, you bimbo! Look over here! I’m not a distraction!

PIP:  
[voiceover, hushed] Bless this arrow…

[Cartman dodges to the ground with a scream as a buzz saw swings right over his head. Tweek ducks to avoid the calamity as well, but ends up getting a few tips of his spiky hair buzzed off.]

TWEEK:  
[screams] My hair!

PIP:  
[voiceover, hushed] …and see that it strikes its target just…

[Cut to Pip as a translucent vision of Jesus, wielding his own bow and arrow, appears behind him.]

CARTMAN:  
[voiceover] Ay! That was my ass, bimbo!

PIP:  
[hushed] …and true…

JESUS:  
[whispered] All will be well, my son.

PIP:  
[hushed] Amen. [shouting] Fire in the ‘ole!

[The two archers let their arrows fly at the same moment; Pip’s made of wood, and Jesus’ made of pure white light. The two projectiles combine with each other and strike Masamune with a bright flash of blinding light. As the boys cover their eyes to protect against said light, Masamune screeches in howling pain. The light eventually becomes bright enough to drown out the boys and their background.]

[Cut to a status screen with portraits of the four kids.]

Eiko’s stats:  
HP 000/788 -- Level 5  
MP 00/35  
EXP points until level up: 3358  
EXP gained: 0  
Current Battle Title: Battle Klutz

Tweek’s stats: LEVEL UP !!!!!!  
HP 1015/2584 -- Level 15  
MP 56/187  
EXP points until next level: 0  
EXP gained: 859  
Gained a New Battle Title !!!: Cloud Clone

Pip’s stats:  
HP 0987/2389 -- Level 15  
MP 200/200  
EXP points until next level: 7657  
EXP points gained: 605  
Current Battle Title: Elven Hero

Cartman’s stats:  
HP 1176/2471 -- Level 15  
MP 157/157  
EXP points until next level: 4375  
EXP points gained: 375  
Current Battle Title: Smart Ass

NO ITEMS FOUND !!!

  
[SCENE: Hell’s Pass Hospital  
During the establishing shot, a tear occurs in Space-Time over the parking lot. Cut to Butters’ room where the sickly boy thrashes unconsciously in his bed.]

BUTTERS:  
[dazed] He’s…coming…

[Stan jolts awake in his chair and looks up.]

BUTTERS:  
[dazed] But someone’s leaving… [gasps] I don’t want them to leave, fellahs!

STAN:  
Holy crap, dude!

[Kyle and Wendy abandon their project on the floor and stand to get a better look at what is happening on the bed. Kenny, sitting on the heating register, just continues swinging his legs.]

BUTTERS:  
[dazed] If I guh-go, will they be able to stay…?

“STAN”:  
[voiceover] I wonder…if “he” still remembers the last time “we” battled.

STAN:  
Buh…Butters?

BUTTERS:  
[dazed] Stan, remember! We set out t-t-ta do something!

“STAN”:  
[voiceover] I guess…there’s only one way to find out.

[Wendy rushes over to Butters’ side, reaches into a nearby pail of water, and produces a cloth.]

WENDY:  
Don’t just stand there, dumb asses! Get a nurse!

[Stan and Kyle attempt to rush out the door at the same time and end up bonking heads. Stan recovers first and bounds out; Kyle second.]

BUTTERS:  
[dazed] If we duh-don’t succeed, then we’re no better that that nuh-no-good--

[Wendy places the damp cloth on his forehead and breathes a sigh of relief when he calms.]

KENNY:  
[off screen] (Wendy?)

[When the girl looks up at the sound of her name, the camera switches to another outside the building to show Kenny with his hooded face plastered to the window.]

KENNY:  
(Is it possible for Stan to be outside when he JUST left the room?)

[The camera pans around to reveal the other Stan Marsh standing alone at the edge of the hospital parking lot. When it zooms in closer, “Stan” smirks and makes a gesture with his hand to bring forth a legion of the undead from the ground. The dirt and asphalt cracks and groans due to the escapees fleeing from their earthly prison. The other Stan Marsh casually looks around and nods his approval.]

“STAN”:  
[smirks] Well then, “Stan Marsh”, you better run for your life from the domestic violence, ‘cause there’s no way you can defeat my army of darkness…this time.

WENDY:  
[voiceover] Why do I have a feeling…that history…is about to repeat itself?

[End Misty Mountain Hop]


	25. Nothing Lasts Forever (Unfinished + Outline)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Chrono Trigger Saga, Part 2. Walking the Mountain Path, Chapter 3 (Unfinished First Draft).
> 
> Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Wendy fight to protect Butters. Meanwhile, Cartman, Pip, Tweek, and Eiko return from their trip up Mount Midgar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this is unfinished, my outline will be used to complete it.

This was it. The turning point in our quest to help Butters. As soon as Kyle and I had set foot outside his hospital room, we soon realized exactly what kind of ball game we were now playing. Blood as thick as gelatin and coloured a red so dark you could only call it purple slowly ran down the walls. I stopped and vomited up the sickening hospital food I had eaten no more than a few hours before hand. Ugh. It tasted better as vomit. I looked up as a nurse ran past us, sans her shirt and screaming her head off. Butters’ doctor soon followed as fast as he could with his pants around his ankles. Behind him though is what made us clutch each other in fear. Snarling and growling as they followed the doctor was someone who looked like they’d been dead…for years… Pasty skinned, stringy hair, moth eaten clothes, no eyes… It could only be one thing…

"A zuh-zuh-zombie!" was Kyle’s harsh whisper into my ear. The hospital scene soon disappeared and I found myself standing in the center of town. But something was wrong; I was taller? Why was I wearing Wendy’s beret? Why was I holding a shot gun? And what the fuck is up with that crowd of dead people over there? Wait a sec… The kid over there, held aloft by those two high school girls… That’s…me?

"Wow! I'm really touched, you guys!" He even sounded like me. Jesus Christ… Was I cloned again? Is that the other me from the evil parallel universe? I felt my eyebrows narrow in anger despite the fact I was not feeling that emotion. "Who needs self-help books on tape when we got you?" Good God… Do I really sound like an asshole? I tried to turn my head to look around, but found that I couldn’t. I couldn’t move any part of my body, not even my eyes. The other me pointed at us-- Wait a god damn minute here! I’m not alone?! When did I know this? How did I know this?

I heard a baritone voice to my left shout out, "Ready, guys?" Two others plus my own answered back, but it wasn’t my voice. It sounded almost like my dad… When I heard a chainsaw start up, I suddenly realized what was happening…

"All right," I heard myself say as I unwillingly cocked the shotgun single handedly. "I’ve got my boom stick…" When I pointed the gun at the large crowd of the dead, the other me pointed towards us again. Wait! Dude, I’m not ready for this! Give me a second to fig-- "LET’S ROCK!"

I suddenly found myself running towards the advancing opposition at top speed. It was almost like something out of _Braveheart_ , except I was the camera capturing the action on the film that is my mind. A guy who looked strikingly similar to Kyle ran ahead of me. His two katana blades as well as the pink ribbon tied around his head trailed behind him as he picked up his speed. The advancing dead were getting closer now; I could see now their grayed skin, their torn and haggard looking clothes, and the empty, yet evil, look in their eyes.

"It’s time to play zombie lumberjack!" came a different baritone voice from my left. It was Kenny, but how did I know this? What is all this? I saw Chef minus an arm up ahead; his skin peeling and decayed looking. All life seemed gone from his eyes. "And I’m the lumberjack!" What is all this? Why am I seeing it? Just as Chef and I were about to clash, I found myself lying on the floor in Butters’ room with Wendy kneeling worriedly beside me.

"Stan?" came her sweet, almost melodic voice. "Are you okay?"

"I think so, dude," I mumbled as a reply. I sat up rubbing my head and looked around when I heard a pounding at the door. Kyle and Kenny had shut the door and were leaning up against it in an attempt to keep it shut. "What the hell is going on around here?"

* * *

[SCENE: Near the Peak of the Mount Midgar  
A camera positioned on the ground looks up at Cartman as he stares down at it angrily from the right side of the screen.]

CARTMAN:  
What the hell is your problem?!

[He kicks the camera a few times causing it to rock back and forth.]

CARTMAN:  
Get up!

[Pip and Tweek, both looking depressed, walk up and stand on either side of Cartman.]

PIP:  
Oh… Eric, I think that would be unwise…

CARTMAN:  
What the hell do you know?

TWEEK:  
Gah! Just look at all the blood, man! I don’t think she could survive after losing that much!

CARTMAN:  
Shut the hell up, you fucks! I know what I’m doing! [kicks the camera repeatedly] I said get the fuck up!

EIKO:  
[off screen, pained] Oyamaa… Erikku-kun…

CARTMAN:  
[still kicking the camera] It’s not fucking fair! **_I_ **wanted to be the one to take your ass out! Not some stupid ass melvin!

PIP:  
Oh, I’m so dreadfully sorry…

CARTMAN:  
[pissed] God dammit! Will you shut the hell up?! Nobody gives a rat’s ass!

TWEEK:  
[twitches] Gah!

PIP:  
[surprised] Oh… Right-oh.

[Eiko walks into the shot on the side opposite of the boys, clutching a severely bleeding right arm; her right eye closed tightly from pain.]

EIKO:  
[pained] Please, Erikku, let that which has lost its life rest in piece.

CARTMAN:  
Why the hell should I listen to you? You’re not the boss of me, chink!

EIKO:  
[pained] But Masao and Kyomune were my friends!

CARTMAN:  
But they, he, she, it, whatever, weren’t mine. I dunno where the hell you were, EIKO, but that freak of a monster hyah tried to freakin’ KILL us.

EIKO:  
[pained] But--

PIP:  
What we did was self-defense. Oh… How bothersome. I feel awful knowing that those chaps were your friends, Miss Eiko…

TWEEK:  
[twitches] Gah! Me too!

CARTMAN:  
Listen up, chink-girl. Shit like this happens. I don’t give a flyin’ fuck who the hell you think you are, what you’re capable of, or your theories of the world. People fucking die; some by the hand of God, some by their own hands, and the rest by the hands of their fellow man. What YOU need to realize is that I don’t show respect to fucks who try to kill ME.

TWEEK:  
Gah! What about that time you made Scott Tenorman’s parents into--

CARTMAN:  
Shut the hell up, Tweek!

EIKO:  
[pained] Erikku, Masao and Kyomune did not ask to be like this. They only wanted to be happy. Do not be so quick to judge those who were forced to walk the wrong mountain path.

CARTMAN:  
Happy? They must be sick fucks if they’re happy killin’ nine year old kids.

[A large brown hand suddenly reaches up towards Eiko.]

MASAMUNE:  
[pained, faintly] Eeeeehhhhhiiikooooooh…

[The kids all look down at the camera.]

PIP:  
Oh, goodness…

TWEEK:  
Gah! It’s…still alive?!

EIKO:  
[pained] Masao… Kyomune…

MASAMUNE:  
[pained, faintly] Wanna pway…

CARTMAN:  
If you care about them, then put them out of their misery.

EIKO:  
[pained] But…

CARTMAN:  
God dammit! Stop trying to argue with your stupid-ass pussy logic!

[Pip and Tweek look at each other, unsure of what to make of the situation.]

PIP:  
Oh, Eric, I don’t think you should force Miss Eiko to--

CARTMAN:  
Eiko, do you want to see them in this misery?

EIKO:  
[pained] No…

CARTMAN:  
Then take it away from them.

[With her good arm, Eiko draws a katana from her back. She holds it pointing downwards over the camera.]

EIKO:  
[pained] Watashi…

MASAMUNE:  
[pained, faintly] Eeeeehhhhhiiikooooooh…

CARTMAN:  
If you can’t do it, then I’ll do it.

TWEEK:  
Cartman?! What the hell is wrong with you, man?!

[Cartman reaches out and places a hand on the hilt of the shaking sword.]

CARTMAN:  
Well?

EIKO:  
[crying, pained] I cannot do it.

CARTMAN:  
I didn’t think so.

[Just as he thrusts the sword downwards, Eiko, Tweek, and Pip utter screams of protest. The sword pierces through the lens of the camera, causing the scene to cut to black. Eiko can be heard crying.]

PIP:  
[voiceover] What the bloody ‘ell was all that for?

TWEEK:  
[voiceover] Yeah, man! Gah! That’s overkill!

CARTMAN:  
[voiceover] Why am I the freakin’ bad guy here? This…thing was in misery. Eiko herself said that she didn’t wanna see them like that. We only took the misery away.

EIKO:  
[voiceover, pained, crying, low] Erikku, I will never forgive you for this.

[There is a pause.]

CARTMAN:  
[voiceover] You’re welcome, chink.

* * *

[SCENE: Hell’s Pass Hospital -- Hallway  
The zombies pounding on a patient room door lose interest in whatever is behind it when a nurse runs by screaming. After they run off chasing her, the door opens slightly allowing Stan to poke his head out and look around. The door opens completely, allowing Kyle, Wendy, and Butters, who is being carried by Kenny, to follow Stan into the hallway.]

STAN:  
[whisper] Alright. Let’s get the hell out of here.

[Kyle suddenly points to something off screen.]

KYLE:  
Incoming!

[The screen pixelates to black and the scene cuts to an extra wide rendition of the hospital hallway done entirely in the style of Super Nintendo graphics.]

CAPTION:  
[with a blue background] REAR ATAKKU !!!

[Three identical motionless zombie pictures move in from the left of the screen. On the right, Stan drops down from the ceiling and raises a fist to the air. Kyle runs in from the right, passes up his position near Stan, skids to a halt with a large cloud of dust, and jumps back into place. Kenny comes up through the floor, while Wendy leaps in from the bottom of the screen to the middle of the battlefield. She looks at the camera, mockingly waves a finger, and then leaps to her position. Butters walks in behind the others and begins jumping up and down while spinning around.]

CAPTION:  
BUTTERS is CONFUSED .

STAN:  
We have to protect Butters at all costs !

ALL:  
RIGHT !!!!

[Zombie One flashes and a slash mark appears over Kyle, resulting in a 56.]

CAPTION:  
COUNTER-ATAKKU !!!

KYLE:  
You son of a submariner !

[Kyle steps forward one step and swings a blue stick twice. Zombie One flashes, resulting in a 65. There is a pinging sound and a tiny white arrow appears over Stan.]

 _Stan’s Battle Menu:_  
Fight with the Rake !  
Puke-a-tronic _(Only available with Wendy)_  
Item  
RUN AWAY !!!

STAN:  
Here goes, dude !

[Stan takes a step forward and swings a brown stick with a silver tip. Zombie One turns red and then disappears.]

CAPTION:  
BUTTERS is CONFUSED .

BUTTERS:  
L-l-L-lEt Me HeLp Ya, FeLlAhS !!!

[Butters stops his odd spinning to take a step forward a thrust out a fist. There is a flash and Kenny recoils, resulting in a 7.]

CAPTION:  
KENNY mumbles a obscenity !!!

[Zombie Two flashes and a slash mark appears over Wendy, resulting in her kneeling on the ground and crying with twin arcing waterfalls for tears.]

WENDY:  
Ouch ! That hurt !

[The pinging sound is heard yet again as the white arrow appears over Kenny.]

 _Kenny’s Battle Menu:_  
Fight with the Trash Can Lid !  
 _Bottled Fairy (Only available when KO’D)  
_ Item  
RUN LIKE HADES !!!

[Kenny steps forward and holds out a gray shield. There is a gong sound effect and Zombie Two flashes, complete with a 34. The pinging sound returns along with a white arrow over Wendy.]

 _Wendy’s Battle Menu:_  
Fight with Extentio-matic Baseball Bat !  
LIMIT BREAK : IBG  
 _Double Trouble (Only available with full HP)_  
Item  
Fly by Night !!!

CAPTION:  
IRONING BOARD GIRL

[A telephone booth like box falls down upon Wendy. After a few moments, a short and triumphant musical fanfare is heard as the box is tossed up into the air and off screen. Wendy, now dressed in all black with white gloves, winks at the camera and wiggles a finger.]

IRONING BOARD GIRL:  
I represent the powerful, yet oppressed, small breasted female community !

[She leaps forward to Zombie Three and swings a silver rod. Zombie Three turns red and then disappears. Ironing Board Girl leaps back to her position in the battle ranks and falls back to her knees to cry.]

CAPTION:  
BUTTERS is CONFUSED .

BUTTERS:  
G-g-GeEz LoUiSe! I C-c-CaN hElP, tOo!

[Butters, again, stops his odd spinning to step forward and punch nothing but air. There is a flash and Ironing Board Girl falls the ground.]

IRONING BOARD GIRL:  
I’m so…sorry…

[There is a pinging sound and the white arrow appears over Kyle.]

 _Kyle’s Battle Menu:_  
Fight with the Crowbars  
Logical Reasoning _(Only available with the Encyclopedia)_  
Item  
Flee

[Kyle steps forward and swings his blue stick twice, causing the final zombie to turn red and disappear.]

[All the kids except Wendy repeatedly raise their arms to the sky and jump.]

CAPTION:  
VICTORY !!!

CAPTION:  
Gained 0 EXP or GP .

CAPTION:  
Found 1 item[s] ! Ultra-Vibe Pleasure 2000

[Return to normal animation as the four kids run down the hallway towards the elevators. Kenny almost drops Butters, but is saved when Kyle dives out from behind him to catch the sick boy.]

STAN:  
We’re almost there! Once we get to the lobby, it’s just a short distance to the front doors!

WENDY:  
But where to after that? If the zombies can appear anywhere, we’re not safe no matter where we go!

KENNY:  
[now has a firm grip on Butters again] (Let’s just focus on getting the hell out of here!)

[With that said, they reach the same elevators Stan and Kenny had used earlier. Wendy pushes the button to call for the elevator while Stan acts as a lookout. Kyle sadly looks around and then bites his bottom lip.]

KYLE:  
[hushed] Eiko… Stay safe…

[Just as the elevator makes a ping to signal its arrival, Wendy turns to give the others a quizzical look.]

WENDY:  
Hey, is it just me or should I be dead right now?

* * *

[SCENE: The Peak of Mount Midgar  
The camera looks down upon Pip, Tweek, Cartman, and Eiko as they stand in a circle surrounding a white flower similar in shape to a rose.]

CARTMAN:  
So, what? Is this it?

PIP:  
[stares down at the flower] Oh, I believe so.

EIKO:  
[pained, awed] Oyamaa… So pretty.

TWEEK:  
Gah! You think everything’s pretty!

[While Eiko weakly grins as a response, Cartman looks at the other three and then shrugs.]

CARTMAN:  
Well, if this is it, I suggest we take it and get the fuck out of here.

PIP:  
[eyes light up] Oh, yes! Then we can save Butters!

CARTMAN:  
[scoffs] Who the fuck cares about that stupid douche-bag?

PIP:  
Well, apparently everyone except you, Eric.

EIKO:  
[pained] Hai. And then one must wonder why you came all the way up here to aid us in the first place, Erikku-kun.

CARTMAN:  
Shut the hell up, chink. The sooner we get the stupid flower, the sooner I get to go home ‘n watch Terrance ‘n Phillip.

[When Eiko shoots Cartman a death glare, Tweek reaches down to grasp the flower by its stem and pull it out. The spiky haired boy screams when black smoke emits from his fingers. His eyes comically widen as he begins running around the small plateau of snow and waving his hand to bring it back down to its proper temperature. As Cartman points and laughs, the injured Eiko stares with a raised eyebrow.]

CARTMAN:  
[laughing] Now that’s what I call comedy!

TWEEK:  
[screaming, pained] Gah! This burns, man!

EIKO:  
[sweatdrops] Oyamaa… I am not sure if I should laugh.

CARTMAN:  
[looks at Eiko surprised] Oh my god, you’re pathetic. If it’s funny, then laugh. To hell with what others think.

[When Tweek dives to the ground and shoves his hand into the snow with a relieved sigh, Pip comes up between Eiko and Cartman and holds the Luminaire up for them to see.]

PIP:  
Behold, everyone!

CARTMAN:  
[sarcastically] Oh, isn’t that nice. Where Tweek-boy failed, the limey little French kid succeeded. Who didn’t see that coming? Since Pip is sooo awesome.

[After Pip rolls his eyes and sighs, Eiko closes an eye in pain and clutches her injured arm.]

EIKO:  
[nervously laughs, pained] Hai… Now we can…save Reoporudo-kun.

[The others, sans Cartman, look at her with concern.]

PIP:  
Oh, are you alright, Miss Eiko?

EIKO:  
[grins animé-ishly, pained] Hai. I am fine. Doumo arigatou. Do not worry about me.

CARTMAN:  
[looks at her annoyed] Isn’t that lovely? Well, I could give a rat’s ass about you regardless. So with that said and done, I’m out.

[The others stare at Cartman as he swings his legs over the side of the small plateau and disappears as he scales down. Tweek stands up, looks at his hand for a moment, and then jerks his head in a muscle spasm.]

TWEEK:  
Gah! Why’s he have to be like that? Erk! At this rate he’s gonna get one of us killed! Argh! I don’t wanna die, man!

PIP:  
Oh, it’ll be alright, Tweek ol’ chap. Just ignore everything he says.

TWEEK:  
[grabs his hair] Gah! Too much--

Cartman pops his head back up over the ledge.

CARTMAN:  
Hey, assholes! Get yer asses in gear, or I’m leavin’ you here!

[He disappears once again.]

PIP:  
[sighs] Well, he does have a point, despite his crude manner of stating it.

CARTMAN:  
[off screen, snickers, faintly] Heh. I made a rhyme!

EIKO:  
[pained] Oyamaa… That…is the problem with…Erikku. He is always right…but is always smug about…it.

CARTMAN:  
[off screen, faintly] Now give me a dime! [laughs]

TWEEK:  
I know, man! It’s always "I’m right and you have to kiss my ass for it!" [screams]

[There is the sound of rocks falling and Cartman screaming. After a few moments, a thud is heard along with a cry of pain. The three kids look at each other with shocked amusement.]

CARTMAN:  
[off screen, pained, faintly] You guyyyyys… I think I just broke my back.

PIP:  
[tries to keep a straight face] Well, then. Let us be on our way!

TWEEK:  
Waugh! Yeah! I need more coffee, man!

[The two swing their legs over the edge and begin to scale down the side.]

TWEEK:  
[off screen] I don’t want to run out! Gah! That’s way too much pressure!

[When she is left alone, Eiko tightly clutches her injured arm and bites her lip to keep from screaming. When she opens her eyes, she no longer has pupils and starts breathing heavily.]

EIKO:  
[panting, pained, hushed] Masao… Kyomune… Nande? Nande ga watashi ka?

[She closes her eyes again as tears begin to fall.]

EIKO:  
[panting, pained, hushed] Kairu… Watashi… Watashi wa…zonbi…o desu…

[After a moment, she looks to the sky and screams.]

EIKO:  
[screaming] KAAAAIIIIIIRUUUU!!!

[The green Materia hanging from around her neck sparkles as figures can be seen moving around inside of it. The camera moves in for a close up, revealing Stan, Kyle, Wendy, and Kenny carrying Butters as they step out of the elevator in the hospital.]

* * *

[SCENE: Hell’s Pass Hospital -- Lobby  
The green stone disappears allowing the image seen within to become the main focus. Stan steps out, motions for the others to remain, and looks around. After feeling satisfied that no one is around, he motions for the others to follow him towards the doors.]

STAN:  
Okay. Remember the plan?

KYLE:  
[determined] If the going gets tough, we fight.

STAN:  
Right. Wendy, if that happens, we’re counting on you to get Butters to safety.

WENDY:  
[scoffs] I can fight, too.

Stan stops walking and takes Wendy by the shoulders.

STAN:  
[softly] That’s not the point.

WENDY:  
Just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean I don’t know how to fight.

STAN:  
Dude! I never said that you couldn’t fight. I don’t want you to get HURT.

[Wendy opens her mouth to protest, but then quickly shuts it.]

WENDY:  
[hushed] Stan…

STAN:  
I don’t care what happens to me, I just don’t want you to…

[The two stare at each other, while Kyle and Kenny fidget uncomfortably in the background.]

STAN:  
[hushed] Please, Wendy… Someone… Someone has to look after Butters.

WENDY:  
But what if you get hurt? Stan… I want to be there for you. I want to help.

STAN:  
[hushed] Then help me…by helping Butters.

WENDY:  
[tearing up] But…

STAN:  
[hushed] I… We’ll be watching your back and making sure that nothing happens.

WENDY:  
[tearing up] Right. --to me… Stan, what if something happens to you?

[Kyle gives a fake cough and looks innocently to the ceiling, while Kenny clutches Butters in his arms and watches the scene with mild amusement. Stan and Wendy give the two blank stares for a moment before looking back at each other.]

WENDY:  
*blinks* …you guys… What if something happens to you guys?

STAN:  
[grins and rubs the back of his head] Dude, we’ll be behind you…every step of the way.

KYLE:  
Right. So don’t worry about it, Wendy.

KENNY:  
[winks] [You just worry about Butters, babe.]

[Wendy looks at the three boys one by one. First she looks at Kyle who grins and nods, then Kenny who only blinks, and lastly a long stare at Stan who stares back. After a moment, he plants the pronged end of his rake to the floor and nods his head.]

STAN:  
Let’s rock.

[Cut to a close up of the right half of Stan’s face. Standing behind him in a nearby hallway is the Other Stan Marsh. As he claps his hands, the black Materia hanging around his neck sparkles with a pale green light.]

"STAN":  
[reverse echoes] You would say that…

[The one visible eye on Stan’s face widens as "Stan" stops his clapping.]

"STAN":  
[reverse echoes] That was a very wonderful and touching scene, Wendy… "Stan"…

[After returning to a proper shot of the scene, Stan turns to regard his zombie counterpart and the others ready themselves for all hell to break loose.]

STAN:  
[narrows eyes] Who the hell are you, kid?

"STAN":  
Wouldn’t you like to know, dude?

KYLE:  
[taps one of his crowbars on the tiled floor] We would. Dude, why else would we ask?

"STAN":  
[grins evilly] Well, I think you do know who I am, Kyle, but if you dudes can’t remember who I am, then that’s your problem.

WENDY:  
What do you want?

* * *

Walking the Mountain Path, Chapter 3 Outline

  1. First Person Novel - Flashback/Dream Sequence  
a) Stan’s POV  
b) Is the final battle scene from Wendy, I Resurrected the Dead…novelized.  
c) Exists to show that there is a connection among all the fics in the series thus far.
  2. Mount Midgar  
a) Cartman, Pip, Tweek, and Eiko discuss the defeat of Masamune.  
\-- i) Randomly insert several things that would have occurred after the scene cut at the end of chapter two.  
\-- ii) Pip’s light arrow striking Masamune.  
\-- iii) Cartman slamming into the weakened monster and knocking it down.  
\-- vi) In Masamune’s POV from the ground, Tweek delivering the final blow. But before the monkey wrench strikes, the flashbacks end.  
b) Eiko is injured and acts it.  
c) Several references to Raifu no Sakura are made.  
i) {See “Raifu no Sakura” outline for details.}  
d) In the end, Cartman kills Masamune with Eiko’s swords claiming that he was “doing the right thing”.
  3. Hospital--  
a) Random stuff for comic relief and background…stuff.  
\-- i) Grandpa Marsh, in a hospital bed, gets pissed when a zombie attacks and kills his nurse, but ignores him.  
\-- ii) Two guys similar to Bill and Ted comically interact with a zombie.  
\-- iii) The remains of Gregory are seen being wheeled through the hospital.  
\-- vi) In Token’s room, someone visits him and has a little talk.  
\----- i) Raisins is referenced heavily as well as _A Thirst For Domestic Violence._  
\----- ii) Token: Stan, I thought we cleared all this up.  
\----- iii) “Stan”: That’s what I wanted you to think…dude.  
\----- vi) Have it so everyone is guessing at what happened to Token.  
b) While Stan, Kyle, and Kenny prepare for battle, Wendy briefly talks to a semi-conscious Butters.  
\-- i) {SEE PREVIEWS ONE AND TWO FOR CONVO DETAILS}  
c) Stan states the plan: while Butters’ parents escape out a side entrance, he and the others will act as a distraction.  
d) As they run down the hallway to the elevators and avoid zombies left and right, Kenny tells Stan and Kyle of what he saw in the parking lot.  
e) Something clicks in Stan’s mind, but he disregards it.  
\-- i) Stan: Damn, dude… Something about that just seems so familiar.  
\-- ii) Kyle or Wendy: Familiar how?  
\-- iii) Stan: I dunno… I can’t put my finger on it.  
f) At the elevators, Wendy makes a comment that she feels like she shouldn’t exist at that moment, or possibly that she shouldn’t be alive.
  4. At the top of the mountain--  
a) The four ponder whether or not the flower before them is what they seek.  
b) Impatient, Cartman states that they should just take it so they can save the fucking Melvin douche-bag and be back before Terrance and Phillip starts.  
c) After Tweek and Cartman attempt to pull up the flower with no results, Pip easily pulls it free.  
d) Cartman mentions something about a conspiracy and French people.  
e) Upon getting close to the flower to look at it, Eiko starts showing signs of pain and possible zombie crossing over.  
f) When asked if something is wrong, she denies it.  
g) Cartman shows no sympathy and begins to climb back down.  
h) As the other discuss Cartman’s rather harsh and extreme attitude as of late, the fat boy looses his grip and falls.  
\-- i) Cartman: (off screen, pained, faintly) You guyyys… I think I just broke my baaaaaack!  
\-- ii) Pip: Oh, dear… I do hope he’ll be alright…  
\-- iii) Tweek: Gah! Who cares, man?!  
i) After the two boys begin to climb down, a flashback to the final battle in the previous chapter occurs.  
\-- i) Masamune has Eiko in its grip and rips open her arm with its dog head hand.  
\-- ii) After tossing the now quiet Eiko, a decapitated zombie head strikes the undead monster.  
\-- iii) {See the final version of chapter two for more details and be sure to include Cartman’s line after the tossing of the head.}  
j) Back in the present, Eiko’s crossing over to the undead becomes more apparent.  
\-- i) Eiko: (panting, pained, hushed) Masao… Kyomune… Nande? Nande ga watashi ka? {Why? Why me?}  
\-- ii) Eiko: (panting, pained, hushed) Kairu… Watashi… Watashi wa…zonbi…o desu… {Kyle… I… I am [becoming] a zombie…]
  5. Outside the hospital--  
a) Stan, Kenny, Kyle, and Wendy slowly exit the building to confront "Stan".  
b) "Stan" won't answer their questions. "Stan": If you can't remember who I am, then that's your problem. I'm taking Butters back with me...and you can't stop me!  
c) After some more dialogue, "Stan": (points at the group) Let's rock!  
d) Stan and company sing and dance the first verse and chorus of “Keep on Rockin’ the Free World”.  
\-- i) “Stan”: (annoyed) What the hell is this? (to his minions) *sigh* Would someone kick their asses?  
\-- ii) Kyle: Ugh. I told you it wouldn’t work, dude.  
\-- ii) “Stan”: God, I must be a dumb ass for coming up with that idea.  
e) Stan's eyes open wide as if remembering something.  
f) Zombies and demons charge at the kids.  
g) Stan: (shocked) Wendy, I--  
h) Battle scene.  
\-- i) During the battle, Kenny dances and makes several oddly placed references and jokes to Michael Jackson.  
\-- ii) Kenny’s weapon is now a yo-yo that had been soaked in holy water.  
i) Stan: (frightened) Wendy, I resurrected the dead!  
j) "Stan": So you DO remember... Ha! That's the problem with God. There's always some way to go around what he wants!  
k) The kids lose the battle.  
l) "Stan" grabs Stan by the collar.  
m) "Stan": Where’s Butters…dude?
  6. Butters' House  
a) Butters asks his parents why they ran off with him.  
b) After they tearfully explain--  
c) Butters insists on saving his friends.
  7. Back outside the hospital--  
a) "Stan" throws Stan to the ground and has his zombies grab Wendy.  
\-- i) “Stan”: Meet me when you feel ready to trade the Melvin for the bitch…  
\-- ii) Stan: (weakly) Meet you where?  
\-- iii) “Stan”: You know where, dude. A great battle once took place there…  
\-- vi) Stan: (weakly) Alright, asshole. I'll play by "my" game. …But that still doesn’t explain…  
b) After "Stan" leaves, the away group plus Cartman returns.  
\-- i) Eiko shows signs of chest pain.  
\-- ii) Kyle is concerned.  
c) After the away group asks about Wendy and Butters, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny tell them what happened.
  8. Butters' house again--  
a) Pip gives Luminaire to Butters and tells him to eat it.  
b) Butters reluctantly does.  
c) Tweek: (twitches) Argh! Wha-what'd it taste like?  
e) Butters: Luh-like the most buh-beautiful thing in the world.  
f) Cartman: Vanilla ice cream with fudge and marshmallow toppings?  
g) The kids pick apart the scenario and are unsure of what to do.  
h) Butters still insists on going to save everyone.
  9. Final Scene: “November Rain”  
a) Eiko takes Kyle outside to speak privately with him.  
b) Outside, Stan is looking up to the sky and imagining what Wendy would be saying to him now.  
\-- i) Wendy: Be strong, Stan.  
\-- ii) Stan: But how can I lead all my friends to certain death like this? I mean, I have to choose between you or Butters. He has a right to live just as much as you.  
\-- iii) Wendy: Stan! (quietly) Be strong…  
c) Eiko gives Kyle her two swords and a special keepsake, the Holy Materia (POSSIBLE reference to _Kicking Ass With a Little Bit of Magic_ ).  
d) Tweek, and Pip keeping watch outside, share their feelings of the upcoming battle with each other.  
e) Cartman visits Butters in his room.  
\-- i) Cartman tells Butters that despite the fact that he's a stupid Melvin, he's going to fight for him.  
\-- ii) Butters, touched, hugs Cartman.  
\-- iii) Cartman: (pissed) Don't touch me.  
\-- iv) Butters: Oh, suh-sorry...  
f) When Eiko starts to cross over, Kyle shakes his head in disbelief and brandishes the twin swords.  
\-- i) Kyle kills Eiko, but it is never shown.  
\-- ii) The only inclination of it is a splash of blood that appears on the snow white ground and Eiko’s blood stained pink ribbon floating down in front of the camera.  
\-- iii) The finale of Eiko’s death scene is a sole shot of Kyle, bloody and staring earthward in shock.  
g) After transitioning to white, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Pip, and Tweek are seen marching through the streets of South Park.  
\-- i) The sky is a blood red as the sun sets.  
\-- ii) Kyle is in the lead. He pulls off his hat, tosses it into the street, and ties Eiko’s pink ribbon around his head.  
\-- iii) Kyle: (voiceover) Stan…you know what bugs me the most about this?  
\-- iv) Stan: (voiceover) What, dude?  
\-- v) Kyle: (voiceover) Her last words to me were… They were…  
\-- vi) Stan: (voiceover) Were what?  
\-- vii) At the very end, a cherry tree can be seen on a distant hill as its leaves and flowers fall to the ground and wither to black ash.  
\-- viii) Kyle: (voiceover, pauses) “I don’t want to die…”




	26. Gimanteki Aenaisaigo (Outline)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Chrono Trigger Saga, Part 2. Walking the Mountain Path, Chapter 4 (Outline).
> 
> Everyone fights "Stan" to protect Butters, with devasting results.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was never attempted, so only the outline will be present.
> 
>  _ **Notes:**_ "Gimanteki Aenaisaigo" is roughly translated to Japanese from the English "A Deceptive Tragic Death". I would have translated this by hand in the days before the handy, yet questionable Google Translate. I do not speak Japanese nor did I ever learn it, so take it with a grain of salt.

Gimanteki Aenaisaigo {A Deceptive Tragic Death} Outline

  1. Insert a first person POV here.  
a) Possible candidates: Stan or Kyle.  
b) If Stan, then ponder the turn of events.  
c) If Kyle, reminisce about Eiko.  
\-- i) He liked her more than a friend, but is unsure if he loved her.  
\-- ii) Is upset more about actually killing her than her being gone forever.  
\-- iii) “No one deserves the fate of walking the Earth in a limbo state, be it as a spirit or an animate corpse.”
  2. Outside Butters' House--  
a) Continuing the previous chapter, the remaining boys are still marching down Main Street.  
b) On the way, Stan “remembers” what happened and recounts the events in _Wendy, I Resurrected the Dead_.  
\-- i) He states that he thinks God, feeling that he had made another mistake, turned back time to correct things.  
\-- ii) "Stan" still exists because, where else was he going to go? Arkansas? That and he was "resurrected" when God turned back time.  
\-- iii) Stan remembers because of "Stan".
  3. Town Square--  
a) “Stan” is standing alone on one side of the square as the wind blows darkly around him.  
\-- i) “Stan”: (reverse echoes) Hey, dudes.  
\-- ii) Cartman: (voiceover) Oh, look! Another hippie!  
b) The six boys are lined up reminiscent to the beginning of the final battle scene in _WIRTD_.  
c) After some dialogue, “Stan” summons his army from the back alleys.  
d) Battle scene.  
\-- i) Kyle, enraged by his involvement with Eiko's death, goes after "Stan".  
\-- ii) "Stan" quickly readies for a one on one battle.  
e) Elsewhere, Wendy is struggling to get out of her binds.  
f) Back in the battle, Kyle is fighting "Stan", falters in his blocking, and is then run through.  
\-- i) Time seems to stop as Kyle dies.  
\-- ii) In the background, just before the strike, a tree branch breaks for no reason.  
\-- iii) And a rock is "kicked" across the ground.  
g) Cartman and the others are trying to take care of the demons/zombies.  
h) Someone cuts Wendy’s ropes and leaves her the Ironing Board Girl costume and a metal baseball bat.  
\-- i) _Italics_ means it will be only seen in _Crossing the Tides of Time_.  
\-- ii) Familiar Voice: Here, dude. I’ve cut your rope and left you something to help you out.  
\-- iii) Wendy: (confused) Huh? _Stan?_  
\-- vi) _Stan:_ Wendy, listen to me. You need to help out there. If you don’t then Stan will die, dude.  
\-- v) _Wendy: It is you, isn’t it? But you’re talking about yourself in the third person…_  
\-- vi) _Stan: I’m on a mission from the future to save a friend._  
\-- vii) _Wendy: Who?_  
i) They all end up losing, yet Cartman has disappeared.  
j) Just as “Stan” is about to deliver a final blow to Stan, Ironing Board Girl makes her appearance--  
k) --and fights "Stan".  
l) As the two fight, references to "Violet Butterfly" are made.  
m) When Wendy is suddenly ganged up by several zombies and "Stan", Stan leaps out of nowhere and joins the fray.  
n) Still more fighting.  
o) While distracted, Wendy is cut down, similar to Tifa from FF7.  
p) Stan abandons the small fry and attacks "Stan" again.  
q) Stan loses his rake and/or Wendy’s bat and somehow manages to get a hold of one of Eiko’s swords.  
r) In the end, Stan gets slashed across the face ala Squall and then delivers a golf swing to “Stan’s” head before collapsing.  
s) "Stan", still barely alive, reaches for the Masamune sword but a foot comes down on his hand.  
\-- i) “Stan”: (frantically) You! No! Dude! Wait!  
\-- ii) He is cut off when the sword plunges through his head and causes his body to fall apart.  
t) Kyle shows no sign of life.  
\-- i) Cartman: (darkly) Three hippies down, several more to go…  
u) Tweek, being the only one besides Cartman still conscious, screams.
  4. ) The opening to Wendy, I Resurrected the Dead...Again.  
a) Differences?  
\-- i) Stan is nine here.  
\-- ii) Snow is falling instead of rain.  
\-- iii) The trees are bare; no leaves at all.  
\-- iv) There is no lightening and thunder.  
\-- v) The hospital flashbacks are replaced with flashbacks from the previous scene.  
\-- vi) The cemetery scenes are not at Wendy's grave, but instead Kyle's and Eiko’s.  
b) Cut to black.
  5. Hell  
a) Satan is watching the Channel Four news describe an altered version of what happened in the town square.  
b) He states that it is no big deal since he has something to occupy his time with...  
\-- i) That something turns out to be John Lennon.  
\-- ii) John Lennon: Wot eveh ya do, don’t tell that bloke Adolph, eh?
  6. Stan's novel discussion on how it's ironic that he, "himself", is responsible for Kyle and Eiko's deaths and for Wendy's hospitalization.
  7. Epilogue -- South Park Cemetery  
a) A healthy looking Butters visits Kyle's grave.  
b) He apologizes and says that he'll take care of Stan.




	27. Final Words

And that's it. We've reached the end of what I have remaining. I stopped writing halfway through Walking the Mountain Path Chapter 3 due to various reasons and (recurring theme) having lost ~~the original file I had been working on, along with all~~ some of my notes and outlines. I don't remember much of what was to come next, but here are a few bullet points:

_**Raifu no Sakura: The Cherry Tree of Life** _

The next chapter would have been a side story revolving around Eiko's backstory, the origin of the Masamune monster, and an explanation of how evil Stan acquired a sealed demonic sword. See a forum post preview below.

> [SCENE: TV, Channel 4 news  
>  Newscaster Tom is seen with a caption that says, "Naked Time Festival."]
> 
> TOM:  
>  Today's top story involves a new hair-brained scheme from the Mayor. This new three day long "festival" includes lots of partially naked children, barn dances, and food. Many question the moral of this. I, for one, am not against it. [mutters] Think of all the high school girls in this piece of *Bleep* town... [normal] Anyway, in other news, five cows were found dead at the South Park Ranch. Local authorities say the cause of death was internal explo--
> 
> [The scene halts and turns to black and white.]
> 
> STAN:  
>  [voiceover] Third grade… A period of time that some of us miss, while the rest hated with our very lives.
> 
> [Cut to the bus stop where Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny, clad only in their underwear, are standing waist deep in snow.]
> 
> CARTMAN:  
>  [puzzled] What was Cartman right about?
> 
> STAN:  
>  [points to Kyle’s lower regions] You do have a small wee-wee! Look at how much bigger mine is compared to yours!
> 
> [The scene halts and turns to black and white.]
> 
> STAN:  
>  [voiceover] Back when we were in the third grade and goin’ on adventures, someone else was having an adventure of her own…
> 
> [There is a flash of white and suddenly the scene is panning the mountainous countryside of Japan.]
> 
> YOUNG GIRL:  
>  [voiceover] Hi! My name is Kyomune Aikoushadoji!
> 
> [Cut to a simple Japanese town where Eiko is conversing with a young girl and a sickly looking younger brother, both bearing green hair.]
> 
> KYOMUNE:  
>  And this is my little brother, Masao!
> 
> EIKO:  
>  [grins animé-ishly and extends a hand out to Masao] Hi there, little guy!
> 
> [Masao blushes and hides behind his sister’s kimono.]
> 
> KYOMUNE:  
>  [sweatdrops] Hee! He’s a little shy I guess…
> 
> [Cut to a night scene, where a house explodes, sending many people flying through the air. Ojiisan huddles with Eiko to protect her from the flying debris.] 
> 
> EIKO:  
>  [frightened] Grandpa! What’s happening?!
> 
> OJIISAN:  
>  [hushed] The battle begins.
> 
> [Cut to a grassy hillside where Eiko sits with sickly Masao.]
> 
> EIKO:  
>  Why’d you call me out here, Masao?
> 
> MASAO:  
>  I wanna pway wit’ you, Eiko!
> 
> EIKO:  
>  [giggles] But we could’ve done that in the village.
> 
> MASAO:  
>  But I wanna pway wit’ you…and onwy you…
> 
> [After Eiko stares silently at Masao for a few moments, cut to the village square where Ojiisan squares off against a large brown creature with feminine features and dark green hair.]
> 
> OJIISAN:  
>  So, Masamune… What is it that you desire?
> 
> MASAMUNE:  
>  Wanna pway…
> 
> KYOMUNE:  
>  [voiceover] I’m just trying to save my little brother! Is that a crime nowadays?!
> 
> [Masamune brings down a large fist towards Ojiisan.]
> 
> EIKO:  
>  [voiceover] Oh my God! Kyomune! Doesn’t your back hurt from all that weight up front?
> 
> [Cut to the inside of a cave, where Ojiisan gives Eiko a small green orb attached to a necklace.]
> 
> OJIISAN:  
>  This, granddaughter, is Materia. Use it only if you absolutely have no choice.
> 
> EIKO:  
>  But how do I use it, grandpa?
> 
> [Ojiisan smirks.]
> 
> DEMONIC VOICE:  
>  [voiceover] If you wish to save the child there is a task you must perform…
> 
> OJIISAN:  
>  You will know when the time is right…
> 
> [Cut to the destroyed village square, where Eiko, with her twin swords drawn, stares down Masamune.]
> 
> EIKO:  
>  [tearfully] Masamune! Give me back my friends!
> 
> [Cut to a blooming cherry tree. After a moment the blooms wither and blacken.]
> 
> EIKO:  
>  [voiceover, tearfully] God dammit! Give me back Masao and Kyomune!
> 
> [The leaves on the tree crumble away when the sky darkens and a cold rain starts to fall.]
> 
> MASAO:  
>  [voiceover, frightened] Eiko… You’ww pway wit’ me…right?
> 
> CAPTION 1:  
>  Raifu no Sakura
> 
> CAPTION 2:  
>  Coming soon.
> 
> CAPTION 3:  
>  If you're looking for a story about Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny, this is not for you...
> 
> STAN:  
>  [voiceover] Who’d’ve thought that my search…would lead me here…

_**Crossing the Tides of Time** _

  1. Butters, who feels bad about Kyle and Eiko's deaths, teams up with Stan, who is still having cryptic dreams, to find a way to bring Kyle and Eiko back.
  2. During their travels, Butters dies in an incredibly stupid way, crushed by a cave-in caused by his excitement with finding an old miner's pickaxe (or something equally as outlandish).
  3. Stan is finally able to appeal his case to God, who gives him the choice to bring one of his three friends back to life. He chooses Kyle.
  4. To do this, Stan is given a life-size Kyle doll and is sent back to the exact moment Kyle is killed. He swaps the doll for the real Kyle, and, in the process, inadvertently causes the hints from _Walking the Mountain Path_.
  5. Back in South Park, life continues. Kyle is grateful for his return to life, but laments the loss of Eiko, leaving the chapter (and possibly the series) to end on a bitter/bittersweet note.



Note: I have nothing against Butters. Killing him off would have truly served no purpose other than to troll certain individuals. It was a petty decision fueled by over-sized egos, conjecture, and a lack of communication from all parties involved (myself included). I regret the fandom wank, but I don't regret the plot decision. If I had actually finished this, I would have been the first, at the time, to actually kill off a main canon character who wasn't Kenny. This would have been exacerbated by the fact that I would have led everyone on to believe that it was _Kyle_ who had perished for good, only bring him back _instead_ of Butters, who had earlier served as a macguffin the cast struggled to save.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Scars of Time](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11111679) by [Literary_Disaster](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Literary_Disaster/pseuds/Literary_Disaster)




End file.
